Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Monday, 15 September 2008

More slings & arrows of outrageous fortune...

In keeping with this year of trials and tribulations I am having... really universe is there MUCH more you can fling at me??? ... I've been awake since 4:30am this morning .... *yawn*

I woke up noted the time and thought 'Wow, the storm outside is loud and hectic!'... thinking that's what had woken me up.

I closed my eyes again and then I heard a sound, but didn't think much of it. But then I heard the unmistakable sound of our front door opening - the door sticks and is pretty loud to open cos it needs force to shift it from the frame, and it rattles once it comes free (I actually emailed my handyman just last week about coming to plane it so it is not so tight and will open freely!). I still didn't think that much of it... I thought it might be our nanny, as occasionally she arrives lank early if her bf is on his way to town early (he drives a sedan taxi). She would then come in early go to the lounge and nap until we wake up. It hasn't happened for ages though, and they have broken up I think.

Anyway, then I saw flickering light, like a candle... and thought what the fuck!?

I finally realised, 'shit it's someone else in the house' and it was torch light... Not good.

Of course I was sleeping without pjs Confused and was thinking wtf must I do now!? I felt around and grabbed a long t-shirt, but couldn't find my pants. Damn! I didn't want to waste time though, thinking the sooner I acted the better. I wasn't actually thinking too much, other than I must keep quiet and Do something. So I crept to my bedroom door, flung it open and there at the end of the passage was a smallish black guy leaning over my hall stand and looking into it with a torch.

I just screamed 'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, GET OUT OF MY HOOOOUSE!!!!' and thankfully he got a huge fright and just bolted back towards the front door, and then another guy came out of the spare room and scurried off after the first, they slammed the door behind them.

It was dark and happened pretty fast so I couldn't see much.

I briefly thought about going after them, but then decided it was wiser to stay put - esp considering I was still half naked!... and I didn't know if they had got anything. I also decided that I was probably safer inside and that I was lucky they had just run and hadn't come at me with knives or guns or anything.

Then like a total dork I couldn't remember the police's phone number, or where I had it listed and it took me a few minutes to gather my wits and get the right number. I was shaking a bit and not thinking straight. I called the cops and they were there within 10 mins. Pity I hadn't been able to call them faster!

While waiting for them I checked on the boys who seemed gone at first! Shocked The bottom bunk was empty... but then I found them snuggled together in the top bunk (they have taken to sleeping together recently for comfort I think, so I have left them to it, but usually they are in the bottom bunk). Thankfully they were both sound asleep in the top bunk though. (Shame this morning Q told me he had heard the commotion, but had though it was daddy in the house Sad Embarassed ).

Then I got some pants and shoes and a jacket on before the police arrived.

It could have been way way way way worse, but was not too bad... I must have heard them as they were coming in. They have taken my Internet gateway machine (which is an HP tablet laptop). It had tons of photos on but most of them are saved on my laptop too.

It transpires that they came over the wall. Went to my car - which the kids had left unlocked - we got home quite late last night and they dithered over the car while I was packing shopping away. Got the keys for my house from the car and came in the front door with the freaking key! I am not sure my Insurance is going to be too sympathetic Confused Sad I had also left my handbag hanging on the kitchen door, so right where they were, but as I went to bed I took it to my bedroom. It very nearly ended up being left there. That would have been terrible!

Also luckily I had noticed Griffin had removed the back door key from the door last night and I put it back in to check that the door was locked before I went to bed. So the key in the door stopped them from being able to open that one from the outside as that door is quiet and I wouldn't have heard a thing.

My sunglasses and a few CDs are gone from my car. I thought my 2 autographed Parlotones CDs were taken too (I was heartbroken at te thought) but I am thrilled to discover that they didn't find those!!!

My throat is hoarse now after screaming my head off. Shite, I think I would run away too, if crazy half naked me was standing there shrieking 'GET OUT OF MY HOOOOUUSE!!!' Like a freaking banshee. Wink

Kudos to the cops who arrived within 10 mins of being called - about as long as it took me to remember where to look for their phone number :/

Note to self: Stop sleeping naked!

But you know what? I am not going to let this get me down. Soldier on I will. I will take my dad's great advice on this, "Nil illegitimis desperandum carborundum" which stands for 'Don't let the bastards grind you down'

Friday, 12 September 2008

The BEST news to end a good week.

I got a phone call earlier and I am still grinning and feel thrilled and excited beyond belief.

thrill (thrl)
v. thrilled, thrill·ing, thrills
v.tr.
1. To cause to feel a sudden intense sensation; excite greatly.
2. To give great pleasure to; delight. See Synonyms at enrapture.
3. To cause to quiver, tremble, or vibrate.
v.intr.
1. To feel a sudden quiver of excitement or emotion.
2. To quiver, tremble, or vibrate.
n.
1. A quivering or trembling caused by sudden excitement or emotion.
2. A source or cause of excitement or emotion.
3. Pathology A slight palpable vibration that often accompanies certain cardiac and circulatory abnormalities.

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You may have followed my egg donor journey?

Well, I 'laid' the eggs 2 weeks ago today. I found out that 4 were retrieved, and of those 3 were successfully fertilized, and 2 became 'top grade' (i.e. 8 celled embryos), which were implanted in the recipient last week Monday.

So today I was told that:

THEY ARE PREGNANT!

I am super excited, happy and honestly thrilled for them. I think I may even be more excited than I was when I found out I was pregnant!

I am so so so pleased that I was able to help this couple, and I am so glad I went ahead with it. I have had so much drama and heartache in my life this year, and the timing of the donation seemed to be really bad for me, when I was first told I had been selected. I even considered not doing it, fearing it was too much on my plate at the same time. But something inside me told me to go ahead. So I did.

In fact everything about the whole experience from the very start when I saw the Nurture car, the day after reading Tertia's blog about the launch, which seemed to be a 'sign' to apply as a donor, all the way along has just FELT right. I really enjoyed it, and focused strongly on it. It was an amazing experience.

I actually feel a tad emotional about it, I feel so honoured and privileged to have been allowed to be part of something so very special and important and life changing. It has been good to have had something so good and right and positive to focus on while going through this hardship in my life, and I am so very glad I have been able to be involved.

Wow. It's quite overwhelming.

I am really holding thumbs that it continues to go well for them. I think they really deserve it.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

It's a wonderful wonderful life.

For my boys. My world. My life.

Black - "Wonderful Life"

Here I go out to see again
the sunshine fills my hair
and dreams hang in the air
Gulls in the sky and in my blue eyes
you know it feels unfair
there's magic everywhere

Look at me standing
here on my own again
up straight in the sunshine

No need to run and hide
it's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
it's a wonderful, wonderful life

Sun in your eyes
the heat is in your hair
they seem to hate you
because you're there
and I need a friend
Oh, I need a friend
to make me happy
not stand here on my own

Look at me standing
here on my own again
up straight in the sunshine

No need to run and hide
it's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
it's a wonderful, wonderful life

I need a friend
oh, I need friend
to make me happy
not so alone.......
Look at me here
here on my own again
up straight in the sunshine

No need to run and hide
it's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
it's a wonderful, wonderful life

No need to run and hide
it's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to run and hide
it's a wonderful, wonderful life
wonderful life, wonderful life

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Life is Beautiful

Well after Friday afternoon being horrendously acrimonious and then trying to kill myself by over eating that evening - wtf do we do that anyway!? (Hello lurking eating disorders....)

I woke up on Saturday morning wanting to not be alive. Hating myself, the world and everything else... you know real wallowing, woe is me melodrama crap.... poor Quinn had to bring me coffee hourly from 8:30 until 11:30 when I finally decided enough was enough. I got up and decided to take control again. I started with my bedroom. It has been in limbo for many months now, left exactly as it was after he took his clothes. So I changed a few things in my bedroom, took the last of his stuff out, sorted out my cupboard, put a few of my things in his cupboard and moved the old hi-fi in ... so now I can do proper solo dance parties in my room ;)

Then I went out and cleaned out his outside room/office. I threw ALL the junk out. So now it's just the furniture, computers and usable stationery. YAY finally.

It was liberating. There is still a huge amount to do logistically and admin-wise, but I am back on track and ready to move forward.

I also realised I need to stop reacting.. it is no longer relevant, and while I can't control what happens to me and what other people do, I can be in charge of how I chose to react and respond. I don't need to be right and I don't need to prove anything any more. It's done.

In the afternoon Q was invited to spend the night with a friend, and G was with his dad for the weekend, so I had some time completely alone. The weather was great and I had wasted nearly all of it, so I dragged my butt out for a walk. Even though I didn't REALLY want to. I had new music on my iPOD though and no pressure to get back so I ended up spending 2+ hours run/walking and ended up getting back after dark and having covered what I worked out was at least 12kms :) I felt way better.

I had a wonderful hot bath and then settled in the watch Life is Beautiful. I thought it was a 'feel good' movie and it was at first... but OMW what a sad sad sad story, but so touching and beautiful too. That man's spirit was so incredible, and so inspirational. I was literally and unashamedly sobbing my heart out by the end of the movie. It was actually just what I needed.

Since then I have felt more like myself, more balanced, and hopeful and strong. I can do this. I AM doing this and Life is indeed Beautiful. Sometimes we need to be reminded of this.

Monday, 8 September 2008

I Will Survive

Totally cheesy, but it is how I feel today ;)

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive


It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Sunday, 7 September 2008

What I've Done

Linkin Park - What I've Done

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

What I've done
Forgiving what I've done

Times Like These

Foo Fighters: Times Like These

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?
Uh huh uh

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again
Ooh...

Uh huh uh
Uh huh uh

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again