Touch wood & don't step on the cracks...

I have developed quite a fear of acknowledging that I am happy, because whether it is my subconscious sabotaging me, or karma, or who knows what..? Every time I do it, it screws up, almost immediately... it seems so tenuous.

Case in point... last time I wrote about how happy I was before a week-end away with J, leaving on that Friday. It didn't end up at all as I had expected, even though we did have a good time, I noticed a distance in him, and I felt rather avoided at times. It signaled the beginning of the end of that... and brought much heart ache and angst and tears for me. It took me about 6 weeks to really accept the fact the he 'just wasn't that into me', even though I had really fallen deeply for him and with complete abandon - which I had thought was reciprocated.

I had to deal with it, toughen myself up again and move forward. But it took me much longer than I expected and for a few months after I held on to a small hope that we'd actually get back together.

Suddenly one day I realised I had stopped looking at his face book updates, and thinking about him, and wanting to speak to him, and having my heart stop if I saw an email from him - holding my breath when opening it, just in case... When my mom died, and I was bombarded with (mostly very much appreciated) phone calls, to the point of saturation. And when he called I actually decided not to answer. That was the moment I knew I was over him. I no longer needed him, and in that moment I didn't want him either.

We are still friends - I think - and I'd like to still see him in future, but he is no longer an emotional attachment for me. He is a friend now.

I have avoided forming emotional attachments since then. I hadn't wanted to. A is sweet, and kind, and caring, and good, and clever. But I did not want to get emotionally intense. I held back, I fought it, I resisted, I was fierce about being independent. I wanted space, distance and autonomy. I knew I couldn't feel deeply. I knew I wasn't going to let myself get attached. I don't know why, but I know I had barriers. It may have been largely because of the experience with J, and because I was still processing that...

So when I got to the point of deciding I actually didn't need, and moreover even really WANT anyone in my life, I felt pretty liberated, free and relieved. I was reveling in my aloneness and ability to do as I please when I please. To take long baths, listen to my music as loud as I like, stretch across my bed and watch crap on my laptop, in bed, as late as I liked. I was content and fulfilled. By myself...

So no one was more surprised than me, when out of the blue and seeming out of the sky, C appeared and literally just happened into my life... he says he'd seen me running several times before, and on the day we met he'd seen me running and the boys were cycling behind me. He has been close yet far for a year or so, and we have worked out that we must have almost met about a dozen times. But didn't until then...

I am still full of barriers, barricades and fears. I am still not able to really trust, or believe, or feel unconditional. I am no longer capable of wild abandon. But I am hoping I'll be able to learn. And I am hoping if I say it quietly it will be ok...

But I feel a bit of happiness creeping in...

On cliff jumping & barrier breaking...

" Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

And the award goes to...

I had my performance appraisal at work almost 2 months ago. It went very well and I was given a nice performance based bonus and 5% increase at the time. I was thrilled! Having been a contractor for 10 years previously bonuses were unheard of and increases are generally pretty sparse too, and especially in this financial climate I was really over the moon about it. I had just been happy with finally having paid leave and sick leave here, and frankly just HAVING a job right now was my main priority with the recent retrenchments . I wasn't even expecting an increase...

I really like working here. It is a great company and has an excellent balance between fun, and challenging, and it is interesting enough without being too all consuming and stressful. It really is a perfect fit for me right now and where I am in my life and with my kids. I almost never wake up not wanting to go to work, and the days I do are only because I am sick and/or tired, not because I don't want to be here. I know I am very lucky in this and I don't take it for granted.

I am the IT Team Leader & Project Manager and I am also on the social committee. 1.5 days ago I was told I had to quickly arrange braai function for lunch time today - for 110 people! Apparently they wanted to announce some awards and wanted to make it a bit more festive by giving everyone lunch and a bit of a social. We have been VREK busy in IT this week though with one disaster after the next, so I quickly delegated most of the stuff and got on with my own job and all the crises we have been having.

Anyway, so a short while ago we were having the braai. I decided to go out for a bit to see how it was going, because the weather is good, else I would have stayed working. The director gathered everyone together to make the announcements for our 6-monthly company awards. He announced the winner of the shield for the Best SA Sales Person for the past 6 months, and it was someone from the Forex Team, and then he said and, "The award for Best SA Operations person, is ... someone in IT again..." and it was ME!

I can not believe it! That was totally unexpected!

Now she's coming through

She's a Star - James

Whenever she's feeling empty
Whenever she's feeling insecure
Whenever her face is frozen
Unable to fake it anymore
Her shadow is always with her
Her shadow will always keep her small
So frightened that he wont love her
She builds up a wall

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark

She's a star

She's been in disguise forever
She's tried to disguise her stellar views
Much brighter than all this static
Now she's coming through

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark

She's a star

Don't tell her to turn down,
Put on your shades if you can't see,
Don't tell her to turn down,
Turn up the flame.
She's a star

It's a long road
It's a great cause
It's a long road
Its a good call
You got it,
You got it,

SHE'S A STAR

Randomz

Quinn has taken a liking to surfing after his week-long holiday camp where (among other cool things) he got to try it out a couple of times. So he has finally had an approved (by me) usage for his 'granny money' and now has a second hand surf board and wet suit. We'll report back on how it goes. I am looking forward to watching him try it out!

Griffin has been given a pair of roller-blades and can be found failing/falling everywhere from the street, to the kitchen to the grass in the park on them. I have warned him not to land in the swimming pool,with them on. That would probably not end well!

The blades don't really fit Quinn, but they'll be sharing both items. They are both doing great at the moment and our little family is ticking along nicely. It makes me feel good.

They are of course chuffed as anything with their new toys. I'll take photos of them in action soon.

Work is ok, although yesterday was a day from hell where everything that could have gone wrong with our network did. ARGH!! It was an all-day long avalanche of shite and hair pulling, until the directors weren't even anxious about it anymore and everyone just backed off and let us get it resolved, somehow, anyhow. What a cock-up! Still the end result is good and we now have proof of the things we have been on about and management is taking notice. Finally.

I seem to be getting some fitness back. I have run almost every day for about 3 weeks now, and have done about 130km this month already. Last night despite the hectic day at work, and feeling like curling in the foetal position and rocking back and forth, I got out there and did a run anyway. And it ROCKED. I managed to pump hard up the hill and felt quite strong even. YEE-HA!

I have a girl's night out for wine and pizzas (mostly wine) tonight. I can't wait! It is going to be fun.

The warmer weather has been wonderful too. I am sure winter is far from over, but this year I haven't loved the cold and rain so much and have far preferred the warmer sunshiny days. I have needed them. That and being in the mountain. I have gone into the mountains a good few times this winter. It really makes me feel centered and calm again.

I am in a very good place right now. I have seen nearly ALL my family in the past couple of weeks. My mom (dead), my gran (turning 90 in a couple of months), both my sisters, my dad and my step mother. It was good to reconnect with everyone, and good to finally wrap up all my mother issues and be able to once and for all move ON.

I actually feel like I have metamorphosised in some way and shed a lot of old stuff and have come into myself suddenly. Like I suddenly know who I am and where I am going. I am ready to take flight.

I have booked (and paid for) 2x flights for the boys and I to go to JHB. Once in December for my step-sister's wedding, and then again in February when we'll be traveling into the Berg to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday. I am very much looking forward to both.

This is what I wanna be

"Suddenly I See" - KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I’ll find my fish, I’m colourful

This is one of my favourites, from one of my favorite bands.

The Parlotones - Colourful

Honey you’re my favourite
I wonder do you feel the same
honey you’re delicious
I wonder do I taste the same

I’m an old romantic
sitting here clutching my bleeding heart
if I’m not good enough
then I’ve had enough let’s make this fast
who cares I’ll find my fish I’m colourful

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some handsome knight in shining armour
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

well honey you’re the reason
for this poet-inspired love affair
honey this is treason the king is gone Rapunzel let down your hair

I’m an old romantic
sitting here clutching my bleeding heart
if I’m not good enough
then I’ve had enough let’s make this fast
who cares I’ll find my fish I’m colourful

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some handsome knight in shining armour
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

You lift me up take me higher higher
you fill me up with desire.
You lift me up take me higher higher
you fill me up with desire.

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some romance god but does it matter?
I’m colourful, I’m colourful
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

That’s a whole lot better

This song caught my attention today...

James - Bubbles

Take an axe to your past
To your family tree
Carve a face from the wood
An effigy

Make wings from the leaves
Hide from the bark
Kindling
for the hair
Rose for his heart

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light

Draw the blue from the skies
into his eyes
Carve the lines on his face
A map of the race

Juice from the root of a beet for his skin
Set the tides
of the blood
with the pulse of the drum

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light
I’m alive
I’m alive

Wash the boy in the stream
So tenderly
Press his lips to your lips
Give him your breath
He awakes with the weight
of the vision he holds
Sees the rent in time
through which he must fold

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light
I’m alive
I’m alive…

Stir the heart with a drum
Kiss smoke in his mouth
Show him signs of a life
That’s a whole lot better

And he calls down the rain
Tornadoes & hurricanes
There’s a world in his veins
That’s a whole lot better
I’m alive
I’m alive…

Fingers raised to the sky
A snake for a spine
He’s drunk on a life
That’s a whole lot better

Teach him songs of the bees
Double helix and honey comb
Play him wind through the leaves
That’s a whole lot better
Alive, I’m alive…