30 days and 30 nights... OM

My Natey.

It's been a full month since you left. Not counting our last night which we spent together that night you left us. That's 30 nights and 30 days without you now.

I am not sure how we have managed to keep going in this time. When everything used to be about you before, from the time we opened our eyes in the morning until we closed them at night.

30 is an interesting number for me.
You left on the 30th.
My birthday is on the 30th.
The second cycle of Jewish mourning is for 30 days. The first 30 days are called 'shloshim', from the word meaning "thirty", and represents a full-lunar cycle since the loved one's passing. (The 1st cycle is 7 days, and 3rd cycle completes the first year)
When I was 30 I went on my first trip to Thailand (the place on earth I feel most drawn to and spiritual about. While there I got a tattoo with 2 geckos in a yin-yang design.)

And then the symbol OM... to me always looks like the number 30.
And since you left I have felt such a compulsion to go back into my yoga practise and to find me, and my balance and centre again.

As I am writing this I am actually listening to the chanting of the Gayatri Mantra - which I learned at a workshop with my yoga teacher while I was pregnant with you Natey. Do you remember it?
om bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ
bhárgo devásya dhīmahi
dhíyo yó naḥ prachodayāt

I feel like I need to find and take time in my busy, focused and driven life, to slow down, and go inwards, to feel, learn and remember who I am and what my journey is.

When I was on a course in November just before our Rome trip, we had to write '30' on a card - which we could hold up at any point if we thought we needed to move on, and if someone was babbling too much or going off track. It indicated that the person it was directed at should wrap up within 30 seconds - I actually drew an OM symbol instead...

So with 30-days behind us since you went, it seems like 30-seconds and a life-time.

I miss you beautiful boy. It's so hard to understand. I wonder why. I doubt and question myself. I feel so very responsible. It feels like so much of your potential was wasted. It feels like there could have and should have been so much more.

But I also feel more grounded, aware, spiritual and ready to step into a new phase, than I have for a long time.

I feel like your life, your laughter,  light, your love was meant to teach me and guide me.
I am trying to listen, learn, lean in, love and let go, to trust myself to follow where it wants to take me.

Guide me Natey. Om....

Of Rome and Crows....

Andrew, Nathaniel and I went to Rome, at the end of November, just a month before Nathaniel died. We went to meet up with Andrew's sister Edie, her husband Fred, and their daughter Julia - who'd just finished a semester studying in Prague.

Natey was just over 2 years old, not necessarily an ideal age for a grand tour of arguably the most historical and beautiful city in the world... Still we were up for anything, and usually he was too, so off we went.

Rome was magnificent. It is simply awe inspiring, and just amazing. Everything is breathtaking and impressive and beautiful, and over-the-top in terms of size, decoration, beauty and embellishment. We were enthralled. And Natey lapped it all up with us.

As usual we were travelling with Natey on our backs, in our trusty, well used and very loved African Baby Carrier  - gifted to me by a colleague - where he could see everything, chat, or sleep if he got tired. We made sure to focus on things he'd enjoy too - very easy because he would get excited by each and every bus/truck/police car/ambulance/fire truck/stone/bird - but for the most part we were really just touring around like 'normal' people and Natey was quite content to come along for the ride. Of course Andrew's 'Jewish Mama' tendencies also made sure there were always snacks on hand, which also generally smooths the way for good cooperation from everyone else too...

Anyhow, the point is we spent a good 5 days thoroughly exploring the sites and marvels of Rome, with Nathaniel seeming to genuinely be enjoying all of it. In fact the biggest 'problem' we had with him was trying to get him to stop exploring for long enough for us to be able to enjoy dinner.

The photos are on Facebook: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6.

The day after we arrived we decided to dive right in and do the Vatican city first thing. We walked there from our apartment in the morning, and managed to get in relatively quickly and easily. It turned out the Vatican City museum has something like 56 galleries. Yikes! Expecting not to able to see very much we identified a short 'must see' selection, but then remarkably went through a really good number of them, until we were all exhausted and pretty much walked-out.

Natey would point to things and comment on things he saw in the paintings, sculptures and tapestries, and seemed to be enjoying himself - especially when feeding the pigeons in the courtyard. In fact my only 'complaint' was that he was so chatty that I didn't get to listen to much on the audio-guide I had.

By late afternoon we headed into the Sistine Chapel, and took in the beautiful ceiling...
After leaving the Museum we headed to St Peter's Basilica nearby.

As we walked through the door Nathaniel gasped on my back and spontaneously said; "It's huuuge... It's so beautiful!"

I got goosebumps right then (and every single time since then that I mention or even think about it). I was astounded. Not only because I had no idea he knew the words 'huge' or 'beautiful'... but also because what 2 year old notices and appreciates a cathedral?

He seemed to be awestruck. He was just gazing upwards and saying, "It's so beautiful" over and over as I walked around.

After a while I took him off my back so he could walk around. He toddled around just looking at everything, in a happy, but pretty calm way. After a while he lay down in the middle of the floor, staring up at the ceiling. I was again amazed. Sadly it didn't take long for the security to arrive to tell us that no lying on the floor was allowed... so we had to pick him up.

The whole experience was so surreal and other-worldly and gave me shivers.

For the whole of December. Every few days Natey would look at me and say, "I want to go on an aeroplane again. I want to go to Rome". I just assumed he wanted to go on holiday again. But did he?

While in Rome I kept seeing crows. They showed up all over the place. I remember thinking, and even commenting on them, as it seemed a bit incongruous to me. Why were these crows in a place so full of 'angels'?

I didn't think about it much. In fact I completely forgot about it, until the other day.

Back at work in December in our main big meeting room, while having a big management team working session. A big crow appeared at the sky-light window and started knocking on the glass. And kept on and on. I kept seeing it, but no one else seemed to notice. I remember thinking it was a bit weird and eerie.

Also on that last afternoon with Natey, as I mentioned before,  while we were at The World of Birds, at one point as we walked through one of the bottom cages (the herons I think?), there was a bush-lined fence blocking the cage to our right. The top had some open space. A large crow suddenly caw'ed loudly and pecked at the fence in our direction. We squealed and got a fright. My sister said "That's a bad omen" and then had to explain what that meant to her son... Afterwards she said 'I don't know why I said that??". We didn't think much of it and just continued our visit.

Then a few days after Natey died. I was walking on my own. I had ended up walking most of my usual running route. As I came back up the hill and neared the place where the ambulances had met us on the road and where they worked on Natey at the side of the road (I really struggle to pass that section every time now), I stepped over a large black feather. I stopped to pick it up, and was compelled to put it with his little pile of memories.

(When I did it I had forgotten about the crows in Rome and also the one at work.)

Then on Sunday nearly 2 weeks ago now, a friend I have know for years (online) but just met in person during Natey's shiva, and was drawn to, asked if she could come fetch me and take me for a drive along the coast and to drink wine. I went. We started driving, and she suddenly realised she needed petrol and had forgotten to bring money. We turned back to go to her house - which was nearby. She jumped out to go run inside and then came back and said, "Hey do you want to come inside?". I was going to say no. Then decided, why not? So I walked in behind her and through to the lounge. Where mounted on the wall is a large stuffed crow!

I was a bit gob-smacked. She said: "Yeah that's Cedric. I love crows, they are my spirit animals". She went on, "People misunderstand them and think they are bad omens, evil, or bad luck... but really they are just messengers between the living and the dead."

Wow, ok...

I suddenly started getting a vision of a tattoo, which I think I want to get, and which somehow now represents Natey.

I told someone at work about this weird crow theme. Feeling slightly insane. But then I walked away, came back to see her again a short while later. She was not at her desk so I stood there a bit lost for a few seconds and turned around to walk away. As I turned I saw a figurine on the next person's desk of Jon Snow from Game of Thrones (incidentally my favourite character)... aka The King Crow.

Since then I have seen crows flying almost every day when I drive home. Andrew thinks I am mad, and that they were always there, in Grassy Park, near the cemetery. OK fine... but then why were there suddenly 2 flying over Green Point park when I went for a walk there the other day too?

And then just last night, Griffin got home after Scouts, he was sitting on the bed chatting to me... after a while I said 'What's that on your arm..?'. It was his patrol badge... he is in the 'Ravens' patrol now. Of course!

I have been wondering if crows/black birds are my 'sign'. And do I even 'believe' in signs? I want to. So I am drawn to go for a 'reading' with an 'intuitive'.

I actually have a session booked for Saturday morning now, to see what comes up.

Last week I went to see a friend she is a doula/ aromatherapist/ colour therapist/ crystal healer etc etc. At one point she pulled out her Astrology book to find my 'sun' (son?) sign. It is Leo. So she turned to the Leo page and there was this illustration of a mighty gladiator type man-Lion (Leonidas?) standing... in Rome. The Colosseum was clearly visible.

Rome and Crows, what are you trying to tell me?

Archangel Nathaniel

The other day I got a message from a dear friend, who had received this from a friend of hers:
" I read Jane's story and it hurt me emotionally and physically. I have a 17 month old nephew and the thought of losing him scares me. I thought of praying to God but knew there would be no answer. so I prayed to Nathaniel and asked him to take flight with his Angel wings and look after our little T and all the other little boys and girls who need a guardian Angel. I imaged Nathaniel with snow white wings. But the vision in my mind was of him with shining golden wings. just like his hair. I will keep you all in my prayers.' thank you for sharing Jane's story.    I am more aware because if it. sending much love."

After reading that I absentmindedly opened a browser and googled 'Angel Nathaniel'...Nearly all the pictures are of red hair and golden wings and light...

And then I found this...

ARCHANGEL NATHANIEL

Colour: Red, Orange
Chakra: Heart Chakra
Element: Fire
Planet: Sun, Stars
Crystals: Carnelian, Orange Calcite, Garnet, Rutilated Quartz,
Signs/Symbols: Orange Flame of Transformation

Archangel Nathaniel’s name means ‘Gift of God’ and/or ‘God has given’.
Archangel Nathaniel works with the premise of the Universal Spiritual Law of Cause and Effect (the Law of Karma); that what you give out comes back to you.

Archangel Nathaniel is known as the ‘Angel of Fire’, the ‘Angel of Energy’, the ‘Angel of Purification’, the ‘Angel of Divinity’ and the ‘Angel of Life Purpose’.

Archangel Nathaniel works to open and expand the Heart Chakra.

Nathaniel is said to use the energies of the Sun and stars and participates with crystal healing sessions and therapies.

Archangel Nathaniel resonates with the element and energies of fire, which are purification, transformation, transcendence, prosperity, protection, cleansing, motivation, passion and enthusiasm. Archangel Nathaniel transfers the Divine energy of fire to our world where it is transformed and used to burn away misconceptions and our feelings of separation.

Nathaniel encourages us to maintain a strong belief and faith in our dreams and aspirations so that he is able to help us to manifest them into our lives. Nathaniel’s fiery energy awakens our passions and desires, and encourages and motivates us to manifest our intentions. Archangel Nathaniel helps you to ignite the energy and passion within you and helps to fan the fire that dwells within to seek to transform it into something uplifting and wonderful. Nathaniel helps us to wake up to our own true power.

Archangel Nathaniel encourages us in the direction of our true heart’s desires and inspires us to follow our passions. He encourages us to do what we love, as doing what we love uplifts the spirits and makes us feel good, empowering us to do more. Nathaniel teaches us how to bring our passions to the fore and transmute our spiritual fire or spark into beneficial action. Archangel Nathaniel encourages us to pursue our life purposes and serve others with altruism and benevolence, as contributing positively to the world and being of service ensures reciprocity. Nathaniel helps us to share our passions in ways that benefit ourselves and others.

Archangel Nathaniel is the patron saint of lightworkers, and he helps to keep us grounded during meditation and spiritual connection and communication. Nathaniel brings balance, harmony and trust, and can be called upon to help you connect with the spiritual, angelic and higher realms. Nathaniel encourages lightworkers to step forward and fully utilize their talents, gifts and abilities to shine love and light out to the world and fully serve and fulfil their life purpose and soul mission.

Archangel Nathaniel helps you to overcome obstacles, shed and heal the past, and brings you a sense of inner-peace and confidence. Nathaniel helps us to understand how to work with our gifts and abilities and implement them into our lives so that we can utilize them for the betterment of ourselves and others. Nathaniel helps us to see the Divine spark within and helps us to discern between things that enlighten, inspire and encourage us along our paths, from things that serve to distract and hinder us.

Archangel Nathaniel encourages you to consider your true wants and desires and to be very clear about what you want to manifest into your life. Nathaniel then inspires you to move forward with your soul mission and turn your passions into reality in your life. Nathaniel helps you to manifest your goals, dreams and aspirations. Nathaniel can also help you to identify your life mission and soul purpose.

Archangel Nathaniel encourages us to work and participate as a collective whose purpose is to heal, help and protect our planet and all of its inhabitants. Archangel Nathaniel is working closely with us helping us to prepare for the spiritual shifts and changes taking place on the Earthplane.

Archangel Nathaniel instigates change on many levels and helps to overcome procrastination and assists with accepting change with grace. He helps you to accomplish more than you thought you could and imbues energy, enthusiasm and passion. Call upon Archangel Nathaniel if needing assistance with focusing your thoughts and emotions and for clarity of mind. When you invoke Nathaniel be prepared for rapid and intense change, as he imbues you with energy, enthusiasm and motivation, as well as wise guidance as to your path. When going through life changes and transitions, ask Archangel Nathaniel to guide and assist, support and encourage you.

If you are contemplating making life changes, or are aware that things in your life are changing, ask Nathaniel to be with you as he will ensure that all transitions are for your highest good. At times, our life changes may not be what we wanted or expected, but Nathaniel ensures that they are for our highest good, and often turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Nathaniel brings purification, protection and cleansing energies, and helps you to clear away and detach from things that no longer serve your highest good. Nathaniel offers guidance regarding all life choices and changes, such as careers, finance, relationships, health and lifestyle etc. Nathaniel helps to heal beliefs and thoughts of self-doubt and/or lack, and helps to bring clarity and a sense of purpose. Nathaniel comes to us to help us with all shifts, changes and advancements in our lives.

Archangel Nathaniel can manifest abrupt, sudden and dramatic changes. Changes can come about in any and all aspects of your life. You may not quite know exactly what changes need to be made, but in hindsight, once the changes transpire, it will become very obvious and clear. At times, changes and shifts can seem difficult, unwelcome and/or overwhelming, but Nathaniel helps us to adapt gracefully through life changes and transitions. When invoking Nathaniel and asking for his help, be clear about your desired path and expect rapid changes to take place.

Archangel Nathaniel encourages us to clear clutter, be rid of waste, and let go of things that no longer positively serve us. At times, changes come about through endings and closures, and Nathaniel encourages us to release the past with love and gratitude for its service, and embrace new experiences and opportunities. Nathaniel helps to clear the path of anything (or anyone) that is preventing or hindering you from pursuing and fulfilling your soul purpose. When you invoke Nathaniel you can expect people and situations to leave your life, making way for better suited circumstances and relationships. If Nathaniel knows that something or someone is not in line with your higher path and purpose, his energies remove them from your life. With hindsight we are able to see how the changes bring benefits of all kinds to our lives.

Call upon Nathaniel when you are feeling stagnant or stuck and feel ready to move forward in your life.

Archangel Nathaniel’s Twin Flame or Archiea is the Archangel Ariana. Ariana works with sensitive children, and helps and assists with autism and the like.

Archangel Nathaniel helps with:
- crystal healing and therapies
- manifesting your intentions
- energy, focus and motivation
- your life purpose and soul mission
- overcoming procrastination
- letting go of the past
- clearing your path
- life choices and changes
- accepting change with grace
- pursuing your passions
- stepping into your own power

Joanne Walmsley
Sacred Scribes

More references:
http://angelsarchangelsascendedmasters.blogspot.co.za/2015/01/archangel-nathaniel.html
http://crystaldragongail.com/?p=138
http://angelsreading.com/angel-of-fire/

Today was a tough day...

Today was a tough day, because it was full of meetings that I had to attend at work. And the usual conflict and heated debates are starting up again, the usual deadlines, demands, and overwhelming load to juggle is coming back. I need to get back on my game to be able to catch up and keep up again.

Today was a tough day, because in under 2 weeks I start a PGDip, a serious qualification requiring a serious commitment of time, effort and attention. Can I do it? I don't know? Can I not... no I have to try. I can not give up on it now. The reading material and pre-assignment arrived today and has to be in by 5 Feb. It's overwhelming already.

Today was a tough day, because 10 minutes before I had to leave work, early, to fetch Quinn to take him to a new ENT - as it was time for his annual ear clean-out - I lost my mobile phone. I left it somewhere in the building at work. I ran up and down for 15 minutes and then had to leave without it. So I was unable to contact Quinn, or the doctor's office or get their address or contact details etc... And then I realised I have so many photos and Natey memories on my phone that were not backed up....

Today was a tough day, because the new ENT's office is in the New Christiaan Barnard hospital. So not only were we stuck in traffic, late, and I had no phone to communicate with, but I also had to drive to and past the ER we took Natey to where he was pronounced dead. I had to drive right in there and past the door.

Today was a tough day, because when we finally found the doctor's office, we had to walk past the empty office next door, with the name Dr Oliver Raynham neatly tuck on the door... only that office is unfinished and empty and dear Doc Ollie will never be able to fill it.

Today was a tough day because I popped into the gym. Too late for my usual spin-class. But I was there last week, clearly looking less fun and happy than usual. But my regular instructor saw me and came over to ask if I am feeling better this week. I said no not really, and after a few light-hearted and well meaning comments on his part 'It's not so bad' 'Chin up' type stuff... I had to tell him. Which left me clutching him and shaking and sobbing onto his shoulder...

Today was a tough day, because 2 beautiful and loving friends got me the most kind and thoughtful gift. A beautiful Pandora charm of an angel wing, with 'Nate' carved into it, and a leather thing so I can wear it close to me heart. What a beautiful, kind, generous and thoughtful gift.

Today was a tough day, because a beautiful kind and caring soul, someone I went to school with, but was never close friends with, and who  befriended on Facebook. We've liked some of eachother's posts over the past few years... gifted me

Today was a tough day, because while I feel and appreciate SO MUCH LOVE from everybody, my heart hurts so much. I don't deserve gifts, or attention, or to be so showered with love and kindness.

Today was a tough day, and this feeling of being more loved, but lest deserving than any time in my whole life is so very confusing.

Today was a tough day, because you are not here Natey, and you are all I want and all that matters.

Today was a tough day...

I had no idea...

I had no idea that when I posted the story of what happened,  it would reach so many people, and get the attention of so so many people. I have been literally blown away by how people have been touched by it, and how many times it has been viewed, shared, commented on.

The posts has over 60 000 hits now!

I have had comments from people telling me they have enrolled their children in swimming classes, ordered better fences and nets for their pools, are just more aware of danger and especially water danger. That they are spending more time with their babies, children, families. Just being present and appreciating them. I even had an amazing message from a lady who has been severely depressed for several years, since her child was born, in her words; "Fuck...I have nothing to be depressed about. My life is fucking fine and here I was being so ungrateful. I have learnt to stop being ungrateful, complaining of never having enough help or support. I have a whole new take on life. I don't feel depressed anymore. And my eyes opened because of all these horrible news happening to families like you. I am so sorry Jane."

We have received close to R35 000 in donations in Nathaniel's name to the Red Cross Children's Hospital. All of which will be donated towards helping other little ones dealing with Childhood Heart Disease.

There are also so many connections, coincidences and 'signs'. That I have been noticing.

Natey my brave baby boy. I hold such responsibility, sadness and sorrow for you. I want to believe that your death served a purpose,  that it was 'your time', and that 'your journey on earth was complete'. But it is so hard for me to believe that...

I do have to believe though that because of you, so many people are more awake, more aware, more grateful and just MORE.

So I wish us all enough*...

* Apparently this poem is by Bob Perkins...

There are no words...

To describe the beauty and agony of this...

It's the small acts of care and kindness...

In your darkest and most difficult life moments it's the love and kindness of friends and strangers that see you through.

 A card from my team, and beautiful piece of rose quartz from another colleague - who had no idea how drawn I am to this particular stone (or stones in general). This was her 'stress stone' to hold when she feels stressed. On Monday when I returned to work she said she was compelled to give it to me. I clutched it all day, and was even able to sit in a meeting... One step at a time. 

Appreciating every bit of help on this sad, lonely road... Xxx

Gratitude for incredible Kindness & Generosity

When we posted the original, terrible, devastating message breaking the news about our darling Natey's death. We asked that any money that would have been spent on sending flowers to please rather be donated to the Red Cross War Memorial Children's Hospital via the Children's Hospital Trust in Nathaniel's name. Where it could do some good.

Little did we know that the kind and generous, incredible people we know did just that. We have been informed that quite a sum of money has been received in the name of Nathaniel Leonidas Thor Canter, which will be able to help many little sick children in need. We have chosen to allocate all the funds received to support other children dealing with Childhood Heart Disease.

This has brought me to tears. I can not express how much this kindness and care means, and how humbling and overwhelming the generosity and compassion of people is. Thank-you everybody. ❤❤❤

We received a letter from the trust coordinator yesterday: 

FROM THE CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL TRUST
The Children’s Hospital Trust would like to express our sincere condolence to the family of little Nathaniel Leonidas Thor Canter. It is with immense sadness that we received the news, from beloved family and friends, of his sudden passing. Our thoughts and prayers are so much with you during this time. 

I have also been informed that, instead of flowers, you requested friends and family to make a donation to the Children’s Hospital Trust in memory of little Nathaniel to benefit the sick children here the Red Cross War Memorial Children’s Hospital, for this we are forever grateful. Through these donations, Nathaniel’s legacy will live on through the lives of the thousands of children it will touch here at the hospital.

Every cent of this legacy donation is invested into giving back childhood to the little patients at the Hospital. Their futures are shaped by the treatment they receive now, and one day they will understand that there were people like you who cared enough to give them a chance to grow up and take their place in the world.

We were overwhelmed with donations in memory of Nathaniel and to date have gratefully received an amazing R23 000. I wish to inform you that we will be creating an In-Memoriam in memory of Nathaniel.

Every In-Memoriam donation of R5000 or more is acknowledged with an individually engraved plaque in our beautiful Garden of Remembrance at the Red Cross Children’s Hospital as well as calligraphied in our Book of Remembrance which holds a special place in our reception area.

The In-Memoriam will be in place by the first week of March 2017 and we would like to invite family and friends to come and visit the garden, view the book and go on a hospital tour, if so desired.

Update received from the trust coordinator on 17 Jan 2017: "I wish to inform you of further donations received in memory of Nathaniel. The response is overwhelming and it clear that he was and still is much loved.  Total donations received R29 880."

Updated again on 23 Jan: Final tally now at R34 000