Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Natey - twinkle boy of love

Where to start...? Ours was a love story. A perfect fantastical fairy story.

Natey you were born out of your father's longing. His life's longing...

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
On Children ~  Kahlil Gibran

​At first you were not mine. You were his and his alone. You see I chose to give the biggest gift I had to give. Because I wanted to do good. To be able to maybe be a little good by doing good.​

So I offered to give your dear deserving father the gift of a child. His own child, to love and care for, and to complete his already happy and fulfilled life.
​It was not a terribly difficult decision for me to make. Sure the thought of giving you up was difficult, but I knew your dad would LOVE you and you him. And I knew that would be ok. And that I would be ok...

I guess I wasn't supposed to bond with you, or love you. But well I have had many hurts and disappointments in my life. ​I have dealt with many difficult to face circumstances. I had already crossed that bridge no parent ever wants to cross. I was already part of that terrible club no one wants to be a member of... That of those that have lost a child. Among many other things you see, I lost a baby. My first baby. When I was just married and just 23. A beautiful, perfectly-formed, live, but too small baby girl. Born too soon...

So I am not afraid to love. And I am not afraid to lose. I have lost before and I knew I could survive it. But I have chosen not to close myself off to any opportunities to love, because really - love is all that makes life worth living.

So there you were growing inside me, and gosh was I happy. I was so FULL of you. Full of life, hope, possibility and pure love. I savoured your pregnancy and relished every moment of it. I loved preparing for your birth. It was such a happy time of anticipation.

By the time the day of your birth arrived I was so ready. Ready to birth you as gently and peacefully as I could.

And your birthday was magical... and just perfect. It was all I imagined it would be and more. Nothing could have been better. It fulfilled my dream of a perfect birth... and then there was this perfect, beautiful baby boy. 

Nathaniel Leonidas Thor Canter. A strong, bold, and really easy going guy right from the start.

No one could help but just dive right in and just LOVE you with abandon. Right for the start. Everyone who saw, or held you became entranced by your happy, and relaxed vibe. You were easy to care for, adaptable and just delightful.

I have consciously been thankful for having the honour and extra unexpected bonus of getting to not only be part of your life, but actually being your real proper MOMMY too. It has been the biggest honour and privilege of my life.

Your brothers, also not knowing whether they'd get to share in your life, also immediately bonded with you and loved you with an intensity and purity I had not seen in them before. You brought such richness, joy and wonder to them.

You taught us what real love is. You gave us real love. You were real love.

Natey you were my absolute unabandoned DELIGHT.

We were living a charmed life, and we KNEW it. We felt lucky and grateful constantly... I don't know why our luck ran out so soon.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.' ~ Kahlil Gibran 

​We were not ready to say goodbye to you yet darling boy. We had so much more to show you, and I am sure you had so much more to teach me. Just went the fantasy started feeling like a real 'forever after', suddenly it was 'The End'.

I am so sorry I failed you - best part of my life. But thank-you for all the love. Keep shining beautiful twinkle in the sky...


1 comment:

  1. Words are simply inadequate. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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