It's true

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you. ~ William Arthur Ward

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.”

"A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble." ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

And so when after telling him for the final time on the weekend that it is over and that I am not prepared to be treated like and old familiar jersey anymore. A jersey which he can wear when he pleases, and then toss behind the chair if visitors arrive, or when he wants to wear something more styling when he is out. I started getting my strength back. Feeling free and unrestrained by his tethers. Allowed to do and say what I want again...

Yet he still called me 4 or 5 times throughout the day. This I accepted and spoke to him in a friendly yet detached manner. Calm and unfazed by it.

But when I dashed out for a quick run in the evening only to return and find him IN MY HOUSE, with my CHILDREN. The compromise, charity, generosity and continual acceptance of everything wrt him suddenly stopped-dead. I was not amused. Worse, I was angry. Livid actually. What a damned cheek!

I am sad to let go of this relationship which I had really really thought was special. I have felt all the emotions and phases of loss. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Despair, but now finally I have a level of Acceptance.

I no longer cling to hope that it will change, and that one day I will be enough for him, and make him happy to the point where he doesn't chase and see multiple women at the same time. I am no longer prepared to take what I can get. I have realised that he is no longer enough, or good enough, for me.

It is funny how when your emotional rose-tinted spectacles are off you can see things more clearly, and see that someone you thought was perfect is really not all that after all.

I looked at him last night and felt no positive emotion at all, just disdain and contempt. This is how I knew I was doing the right thing.

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.” ~ Vanna Bonta

And so, I sent him off with his tail between his legs. Sure, now he thinks I am mean, possibly unkind. But it has got to the point that I simply have to stop caring about him and what he thinks and feels.

It feels liberating. I didn't realise how trapped he was making me feel.

I intend not to compromise my integrity again. I have learned a lot through this.

Living with integrity means:

• Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
• Asking for what you want and need from others.
• Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
• Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
• Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

~ Barbara De Angelis

If it is not fun, you're not doing it right.

I have been doing some deep thinking, and have finally realised some truths and made some decisions, and I am returning to my authentic self unapologetically and unashamedly. I have been settling, accepting the unacceptable, and allowing myself to be controlled by something which was simply not working for me... no more. I have now officially decided to put myself first. I will not disrespect myself by allowing myself to be treated as less than valuable.

I think people see me as an old jersey. Warm, cosy, comfortable, familiar and so nice to wear... but when they go out they want to wear something else, so the old jersey is flung in the corner and forgotten... until next time they are cold and in need of comfort and the the reliable old trust jersey is lying there where they left it waiting to be worn again.

Well this old jersey got frayed and dirty from lying there being walked on. Now I am no longer so warm, cosy or trusty anymore.

Had you bothered to really look closely you might have noticed that I was actually a cashmere jersey, and if you looked after me well I would have kept you warm and cosy forever...

Anyway so moving swiftly on from that metaphor. I am back as me, by me, for me. Take it or leave it. Seriously.

And as the authentic me, I had a pretty awesome week-end.

The school camp-out on Friday was great - once we got the tent up. I usually don't have any trouble getting a tent set up, but this one was trying very hard to be a kite or parachute thanks to some pretty strong and persistent winds. This was funny at first but the novelty soon wore off. Thankfully after I enlisted some Grade 1s to stand on strategic spots we got it sorted and the real fun could begin.

One of the Grade 4's told me I was 'pretty cool' after I climbed out of the tree and demanded a turn on the J-board. Hehehe. We played soccer after that.

Saturday was insanely hot in Cape Town. Over 36 degrees at least. So the day was spent in the pool until we decided to head for the beach - along with the whole of Cape Town. I was fantastic though and we all had an amazing swim in the sea and ice-creams from Sinnful - decadent but deliciously impossible to resist.

Sunday was the kids adventure race in Grabouw. We drove out bright and early. It was a bit windy and misty, but that was great after Saturday's heat. While the boys did their race I took a little run around the farm. Only about 4km, but it was on a really beautiful little trail through a forest. Moments like that feel perfect to me. I love them.

After the race ended and most participants had left, we relaxed, picnicked, played and chatted for ages and then trekked home tired and very muddy and dirty.

"Take time every day to do something silly." - Philips Walker 

I even got a foot rub out of the boys this evening. *bliss* (I took them to Thailand in 2008 and they learned the art of a good foot rub there. Best investment ever! ;) )

So yeah, it was a good and nicely relaxing week-end. I feel totally destressed now.

Attitude affects altitude.

“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” ~ Lou Holtz

We keep running faster now

Running Faster - Zebra & Giraffe

We keep running faster now
But it's our souls that lie
A hundred miles
Behind the rush of time
Lies a wounded smile
But we won't notice why?

On your own again?
On your own again?

And time
Will pass me by as I
Relive each moment
Why can't I forget the wrong?
And do right

I keep telling myself how
How it's the other fault
They caused me to try
Being someone else
But it's not them it's me
Pretending I'm not free

On your own again?
On your own again?

And time
Will pass me by as I
Relive each moment
Why can't I forget the wrong?
And do right

Reading Breakthrough finally!

Griffin, unlike Quinn, has had no urgency or interest in learning how to read up till now, thinking he couldn't read, even when he was clearly sounding out words and getting them right... He decided that wasn't reading and that reading was not nice or fun... we'd argue about him doing homework reading because he'd insist he'd read the reader at aftercare and couldn't possibly read it AGAIN for my benefit! When I suggested he chose something else he'd refuse... because you know, he couldn't read.

I got him to read a few pages of 2 books early this week and noticed he'd read words like 'spectacular' and 'asteroid' fluently , but would then struggle on easy 3 and 4 letter words...!??? Very odd.

Then on Wednesday he picked up the 10 stores in 1 Horrid Henry book and told me he'd 'read 1 page'. After 4 pages he was still reading... he read 9 pages that evening. On Thursday he took the book to school, and read in the car on the way to and from school, and apparently also read all through aftercare as well. Then today when we got to the beach he lay on his towel opened his bag and pulled out the BOOK.

It is hard to believe it is the same child! 

Same Same

968 posts and 2335 comments imported from "janewsblog" to "janefraser".

So here we are again. Same Same - only different.

Welcome :)

My fund-raising entrepreneurs

It has just been the boys' annual school Big Swim, where they have to get sponsorship and then swim a number of lengths to raise money for the various charities and causes the school supports. I loathe knocking on doors, or begging friends and colleagues for donations and sponsorships, so I told the boys I'd give them R50 each and be done with it.

Instead they asked me if they could try to raise MORE. So they decided to use my R100 as seed money to be entrepreneurial and to try to increase their funds (there is a competition for the boys who raise the most money in each class). So we discussed it and came up with a plan. We bought a heap of marshmallow Easter eggs with the money, which they sold at school (we cleared the idea with the respective teachers first who were very impressed and readily agreed) and I also helped them by setting up shop at work.

So instead of asking people to 'donate' money, we sold easter eggs at a profit, R3 each or R5 for 2.

Everyone craves something sweet in the afternoons and most people have a few rand on hand. So these were right there at the kitchen and whenever someone went to make coffee they'd end up buying a few...

The boys sold their eggs over 2 days, they made their own posters and set up next to the tuck-shop to peddle their Easter eggs at school on Friday and Monday and managed to bring in R60 that way. Not nearly as much as I raised at work where I was selling them for 4 days, but at least they tried and learned a lot along the way. They dutifully brought their left overs home at the end of each day– eating only the ONE each I told them they could have.

The eggs cost R1.15 each. I think we ended up buying about 180 in the end, using the profits made in the beginning to buy more as we went along...

Griffin took R120 to school on the day of his Big Swim – Friday.

Quinn went in with R173 today.

So they managed to turn R100 into R293, which is pretty good going and they are thrilled. Their teachers were impressed both with their entrepreneurial flair and for getting their money handed in so promptly and they have been given several merits in reward.