My eyes leaked a lot today...

I have been trying to understand why and I think I have worked it out.

You see at my core I am a very emotional, romantic and idealistic person. I believe in love, adoration, expression of desire, affection and happily ever after. However, life has taught me not to expect it.

So I am now a cynical romantic. I believe in true love, but I don't expect to ever find it for myself. Most of the time I seem fine about this. I can get by without it. But then I'll watch a movie, listen to a song, or even worse witness my friends, family and peers going through it (this is worse because it is real and not just 'in the movies') and although I am so very, genuinely, happy for them, my heart breaks a little more each time I witness it.

Knowing a little more that it is not something I have, have ever had, or will probably ever have.

I stumbled upon the most amazingly romantic and fun couple's blog and wedding photos today. I was totally in awe of their awe inspiringly special, unique and fun wedding and all that went along with it. They are a truly beautiful couple and I wish them the greatest happiness together ever. But after reading their story and seeing their photos I literally sat in the toilets at work and cried silent tears for about 15 minutes.

I can't even pretend to rationalise this away, or be embarrassed about it. My heart is full of love and emotion and I feel like it is wasting away and wilting from either having to hide my feelings and/or not having them returned when I do express them. It hurts a lot.

I know all the platitudes, and I am quite content with myself. It's not that. I just feel like I get taken for granted, and strung along. It would be nice to feel like someone REALLY cares about me, for me, as I am, all the time. The way my heart believes it is meant to be.

Like a fairytale.