I wish that I could work it out

I am so tired of the same cycle... of hoping and believing and then being disappointed.

Cold Play - "The Hardest Part"

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn’t think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it’s all about
I wonder what it’s all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part
Yeah that’s the hardest part
That’s the hardest part

So proud of Quinn! Term 3 Results.

I am so so proud of my boy. Despite a really tough and scary time with his operations and general hearing (and seeing) issues this year he has done incredibly well this term.

Not only has he managed to get a really good report...



But he also got a letter commending him for his good behaviour & attitude.



Well done my boy, you are a champion!

p.s. Also I forgot to mention that after Quinn's op the other day after I spent the evening with him playing and chatting and had given him his chocolate milk, biltong and sweeties, when I was leaving to let him sleep he thanked ME 'for everything'. I was astounded. He's the one who went through the huge surgery and ordeal but he was thanking me... *sniff*

It's an obsession

I heard this on Roger Goode's show last Friday and LOVED it, but could not find it myself. Alan (DJ extraordinare and foot rub guru) found the remix I was looking for.



I like to original song too but this remix is sick. It a remix of The Eurythmics - Love Is A Stranger.

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you so
It's an obsession

Quinn Update: Day 3 post c-toma op #2

Quinn's ear 3 days after Cholesteatoma surgery #2. Looking good so far, and not much leakage either. :)

Last time we changed dressings 2x per day for about 2 weeks, he had a lot of blood and fluid seeping out, this time we have left the bandage off all day from today and he has just gone to bed without it too. So it seems to be pretty stable and settled already.

I can't get him to nap at all during the day but have kept him watching movies and playing on the computers and playing gently every day so far. Day 1 & 2 he napped at about 5pm, but today he pushed through till 8pm and then started fading so went to bed.

Apart from his ear being sensitive to the touch though he is totally fine and in good spirits. Our only challenge is how 'deaf' he is now. We are hoping once the packing dissolves out of this left ear he'll regain some hearing but as this is his 'good' ear for now we are having to yell at him to get his attention and talk very clearly and directly at him... and WORSE (for me) is that he is turning up the volume on TV, PC and Playstation to FULL, so I have to endure blaring games and cartoons all day long. ARGH!

But all things considered so far this op has gone very well.

Do It Day 2010 - Niall Mellon Trust Community Housebuild

Griff and I had some one-on-one time attending the Niall Mellon Trust Community Housebuild 'Do It Day' again this year - while Quinn recuperated at a friend's house. The first half of the day we were on a painting team the second half we mixed dugga, fetched sand, water and building-blocks and helped to lay blocks. Hard hard work but very fun and super rewarding. Loved it again!

Sandi-Pandi & Lees were there too. 

Griff at the start of a long day of work.

Griff doing a little warm up dance before the day gets going...

Team Leader Tom - man of few words and even less action! LOL

Griff holding our protective gear on our water break.

Hard work is bonding.

This was early morning before we got hot and sweaty.

Painting is surprisingly hard work! Griffin splattered so the goggles were required in self-defense!

Lunch break. We were starving and scoffed our lunch and were all smiles once our energy levels increased again.

Team Awesome - house completed!

Should I give up my day job? ;)

Our Team. We had such fun, singing to each other, telling jokes, dissing each other and making up nick names. Thanks for a great time Aubrey, Uriah, Garth, G-Unit and erm ...others. ;)

Ons is zeffer as ekke! Too cool for school.


This is a really worthwhile event to get involved in.

Believe in me because I don't believe in anything ...

Counting Crows - Mr. Jones

I was down at the New Amsterdam
staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation
with this black-haired flamenco dancer
She dances while his father plays guitar
She's suddenly beautiful
We all want something beautiful
I wish I was beautiful
So come dance this silence down through the morning
Cut Maria! Show me some of them Spanish dances
Pass me a bottle, Mr. Jones
Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
I want to be someone who believes

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you.
Ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
Smiling in the bright lights
Coming through in stereo
When everybody loves you,
you can never be lonely

I will paint my picture
Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
Grey is my favorite color
I felt so symbolic yesterday
If I knew Picasso
I would buy myself a grey guitar and play

Mr. Jones and me look into the future
Stare at the beautiful women
"She's looking at you.
Uh, I don't think so. She's looking at me."
Standing in the spotlight
I bought myself a gray guitar
When everybody loves me,
I will never be lonely

I want to be a lion
Everybody wants to pass as cats
We all want to be big big stars,
but we got different reasons for that
Believe in me because I don't believe in anything
and I want to be someone to believe

Mr. Jones and me stumbling through the barrio
Yeah we star at the beautiful women
"She's perfect for you, Man,
there's got to be somebody for me."
I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone
just a little more funky
When everybody loves you, son,
that's just about as funky as you can be

Mr. Jones and me staring at the video
When I look at the television,
I want to see me staring right back at me
We all want to be big stars,
but we don't know why and we don't know how
But when everybody loves me,
I'm going to be just about as happy as can be
Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars..

Quinn's second op details

So Quinn's op was yesterday.

We got there at 06:30am, and were up in the ward to see the anesthetist by 07:00am. We had a consult with our awesome doc, who is not 'just' a doc he is a true friend by now.

At 8ish we went up to the surgery wing and met with the Prof who was there to assist. By 08:30 he was in theatre and being put under. I was told they were expecting it to take around 2.5hours from what they saw on the CT scan and the plan they had to tackle it.

I left at 08:40 and went out for a walk. Quinn had placed an order for a chocolate milk and some biltong so I thought I'd walk to the shops to get that. In the end I walked about 11km and popped into the gym too. When I got back at about 11:15 I was told they were still busy. I waited in his room and at 12:15 the anesthetist phoned to say it was taking longer than expected and they needed at least another hour or more. Yikes. By then I was tired and a bit worried too. Somehow the next hour passed by quite quickly and the doc smsed at 13:15 that they were done. What a relief! All in all he was in theatre for about 5 hours! So it was a loooong op.

He was brought down the the room and was still fast asleep on his stomach. He woke up after 10 or so minutes and was in a LOT of pain and was quite grumpy/aggro too (I know this is sometimes a side effect of the anesthetic). He insisted the bandage was too tight, and so dressings were removed and loosened but it was still 'too tight'. I am pretty sure it is from the pressure bandage IN his ear. I was trying to help him and when I asked what it felt like he said 'It feels like a too tight bandage on a sore ear!' Like duuuh! LOL, shame I did feel sorry for him, but that was a bit funny.

Anyway his pain was too much so he was given drops, Panado and then a suppository too to knock him out again.

Griffin spent 2 nights with the neighbour to free me up to spend time with Quinn. I went home to shower and see Griff while Quinn was napping...

After a 3 hour nap I was back and he woke up smiling, chirpy and full of beans. He thought it was morning already and wanted to go home! He said he felt fine and even his jaw was fine and he decided he was starving. He ate a pile of finely sliced biltong and then polished off his dinner too. (Last time he didn't want to eat much for several days as he said his jaw hurt.)

After a long Rummy playing marathon I finally left him to sleep sometimes after 20:00... but he sms'ed and phoned me to say 'Hi' and 'I love you mom' and 'I am doing well' all night instead. So kept waking me up! *YAWN*

This morning he was still happy and feeling good. Doc came to check him and then we were discharged. We ended up going for coffee with the doc where we saw some cool photos he took during the surgery and some other video footage of similar surgeries.

He also explained the whole thing and what he did and the difference between this op and the last one. So while this op took longer the damage to his ear is actually less than with the first. His right ear had a modified radical mastoidectomy and tympanoplasty and 2.5 of the 3 ossicles were destroyed and one of this tasting nerves. The left has had cortico-mastoidectomy and only the incus bone was sacrificed and they have fused the malleus directly to the stapes, so he should maintain a good functional level of hear in this ear, which is great news. I think he also had a tympanoplasty, but this time his ear canal was preserved and he does not have a the huge mastoid cavity, so healing should be a bit simpler.

He really is the nicest man. So sweet and caring. I am so so grateful to him for EVERYTHING.

Now we are home resting.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone, it is nice to know there are people thinking of him. I have read him all the sms's etc so far too. I think he likes hearing them...

Here are some photos:

Quinn c-toma op round 2 tomorrow...

Hi all, Please could you spare a thought for Quinn tomorrow?

He is going in for his second Cholesteatoma op. We go to the hospital at 06:30am, and op is scheduled to start at 8am.

He'll have the same anaesthetist as before and will have our fabulous ENT AND the prof as surgeons.

Last op was 4 hours long, I am hoping this one will be quicker and less severe.
Please hold thumbs for us.
He is calm and ready and in good spirits. I think he actually kind of likes the attention to be honest, and he does deserve it.

We are just back from an awesome 'date'. Griff is sleeping over with the neighbours so they can take him to school etc tomorrow so Quinn and I went out for sushi. YUM YUM YUM. We sat by the belt and had 3-4 plates each...

 and then ended up having a wasabi eating competition. He ate a BIG lump! At least I know no germs will be on him when we go in tomorrow!

Check out the 'tie' for dinner. LOL!  

He finished off with a McDonalds McFlurry - so he thinks it is Christmas or something.

It was actually awesome getting some decent one-on-one time with him. He makes a charming dinner-date partner actually.

Will update once he is out of theatre tomorrow.

It's me who is my enemy

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.  ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive

Self-love seems so often unrequited.  ~Anthony Powell

Coldplay - See You Soon

So you lost your trust,
And you never should have,
you never should have,

But don't break your back,
If you ever see this,
Don't answer that.

In a bullet proof vest,
With the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best,
I'll see you soon,

In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon.

So they came for you,
They came snapping at your heels,
They come snapping at you heels,

But don't break your back,
If you ever see this, Don't answer that.
In a bullet proof vest,

With the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best,
I'll see you soon,

In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon.

and oh you lost your trust,
and oh you lost your trust,
and oh Don't lose your trust,
and oh you lost your trust.

It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, "Me," This Fire

No one will fight for you

I am so not a Linkin Park Fan usually, but their new album is totally NOT Linkin Park-y at all and it seems really good so far. I have listened to 2-3 tracks of it.

I have had a 'robot' thing going this year. It's about feeling like a robot, but still having feelings... A robot who can love. See the images in my blog banner, and I even have 'I love Robots' pyjamas!

Anyway, this song spoke to me.

Linkin Park: Robot Boy

You say you're not going to fight
Because no one will fight for you
And you think there's not enough love
And no one to give it to
And you're sure you've hurt for so long
You've got nothing left to lose
So you say you're not going to fight
Because no one will fight for you

You say the weight of the world
Has kept you from letting go
And you think compassion's a flaw
And you'll never let it show
And you're sure you've hurt in a way
That no one will ever know

But someday the weight of the world
Will give you strength to go

Hold on, the weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go
So hold on, the weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go
So hold on, the weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go
Just hold, on the weight of the world
Will give you the strength to go

Remember today

"Remember today, for it is the beginning of always. Today marks the start of a brave new future filled with all your dreams can hold. Think truly to the future and make those dreams come true."

Won't You Hold My Hand

BASEMENT JAXX - Feelings Gone

I Never Thought, I Never Dreamed,
That Things Would Get The Better Of Me,
But Then, A Shadow Creep Just Behind Me.

Oh I Guess, You Can’t Run Forever
On Your Own,
No, No

Tell Me, Tell Me,
Will You Walk With Me,
Just For A Little While,
Until The Feelings Gone.

It Gets So Cruel, It Gets So Cruel
Out There In The World Outside
When Your Standing,
Just Standing On Your Own,
Oh, It Seems Like Every Little Part,
Of Your Soul’s Exposed
And I Know Out There,
No One's On Your Side.

Tell Me, Tell Me,
Will You Walk With Me,
Just For A Little While,
Until The Feelings Gone.

I’m Not Asking
For You To Fall In Love,
For Some Great Romance,
Just Be With Me,
Until The Feelings Gone.

Feelings
Gone

Oh, Tell Me, Tell Me,

Will You Walk With Me,
Just For A Little While,
Until The Feelings Gone.

Tell Me, Tell Me,
Will You Walk With Me,
Won't You Hold My Hand,
Until The Feelings Gone.

So How About You,
My Shadow And Me,
Just Us Three,
Just Us Three,
Walking On.

What colour are my eyes??

I never know what to list them as. I seriously have no idea what colour they are!

I think Grey/blue/green AND hazel at the same time... Depends on mood and clothing too.

So tell me what colour ARE they??

C-toma op round 2 confirmed - 16 Sept

Doc has confirmed that the next Cholesteatoma op will take place on Thus 16 Sept in the morning at about 8am. I told Quinn last night and he said, 'Yay, cool'.  He really is incredible.

The only thing he is changing is he says he'll ask for the gas instead of IV for his anesthetic, 'Cos the needle hurt!'. Poor sausage.

Here we go again!

And just cos, here is a picture of him 'meditating' on a rock up Lion's Head this past Sunday. He looks like Naas Botha because he wrapped a Fizzer over his teeth.


FYI CAPE TOWN PEEPS we are going up Lion's Head again this Sat at 11:30ish if anyone would like to join us...?

I r quoted on the Interwebz!

Way back in 2006/2007 I had a dream to move into the birth industry and certified as a doula and set up my pregnancy & birthing support website and little business called Birth Buddies. I created a slogan for it, 'Birthing without fear' and coined a phrase to go with it 'Because giving birth should be your greatest achievement and not your greatest fear".

To me that's the reality of it. It did not seem all that profound to me.

But I have recently been made aware that I was quoted on Twitter. I thought that was pretty cool.

Tonight I Googled the quote and it seems it has been used fairly extensively....

Here are some examples:

I am glad it has resonated with other people and they have found it inspirational. Making a positive difference to how someone views and experiences their pregnancies and births is very dear to me and something I value a lot.

I deserve nothing more than I get

Dido - Life For Rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent...