Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Boys won't get to Change their Surnames

So it seems to be official the Boys Won't Get to Change their Surnames after all.

My ex Mother in Law managed to get hold of my ex finally... and he said NO. Just like that. After 3 years of nothing. No interest shown to us. No care, support, cooperation, no responses, AT ALL. He has now decided he will respond by blocking this.

So my case for the court order, which was based around him being MIA, un-contactable - or at least entirely unresponsive - and hence not appearing to give a crap, no longer holds and he has now effectively and actively blocked this avenue.

I would like to say I was not upset, but I was. I wanted, and maybe even needed, this next step of autonomy. So we can get on with our lives and do the things we need to without having to worry about him, or having to grovel to get him to sign a form or letter, or give consent for us to have the liberty of simply living our lives independently*, as he no doubt gets to do.

In fact it irritated me more than just a bit that after 3+ years of zero contact at all, no calls, cards, emails and not a cent of maintenance since we got divorced 4+ years ago that he now feels the need to assert some kind of right.

The boys were upset too. They have said that although we can not officially process this now and they do have to keep their paternal surnames legally, they won't use it. So for all intents and purposed they shall stay Frasers. 

THEY chose to change them along with mine 3 years ago, they have chosen to keep using them now, and they have said that as soon as they are old enough they'll simply change their surnames themselves.

They have said they would rather perpetuate my family's name going forward and do not want their father's name. (I can't say I blame them. Though I will not direct them or try to influence them further on this. It is entirely their choice.)

Interestingly though on hearing this news, THEY have now asked me to pursue the maintenance issue. Which again was not something I was planning to do, but  it is their right. And again if I don't do it they will be within their rights to pursue it themselves if they wish. 

I am going to think about it. Because if he is going to start to assert his right, we really should start thinking about asserting responsibilities too. But I strongly suspect it would be futile, fruitless and frustrating exercise and I have neither the energy nor inclination to re-engage in any kind of negative energy with him. Again though I will take my cue from the boys on this as they are and always have been my primary concern and responsibility.

* He will need to give consent for us to travel now, as I expect once we are on separate named passports I will get questioned when crossing borders. But I will have to tackle this when we get there.


  1. Oh Jane, sorry about this but sue him for maintenace. And I know that if he really cant you can go to the grandparents. Not sure if you want that though.

  2. ARGH!!!! My ex did this when I asked for the passports!! Apparently the laws are really strict now so you need his consent if you and the boys want to leave the country.

    Do the boys go my Fraser at school etc? My kids would love to change their names but we havent really "allowed" it because we cant do it legally.

  3. Cat: his mom has been quite helpful and has offered to help out where she can (including an offer to assist with legal fees if needed) which is very kind of her. So I would not pursue it with her. I have heard about that avenue though.
    Laura: Yeah it's rather annoying and frustrating. And yes the boys have been 'Fraser' since we applied to home affairs on 23 Dec 2009 when they implied it was a done deal. SO we told the school etc and it was done as far as we were concerned, until 6+ month later we got a letter back from head office saying it could not be done without Consent, Death Certificate or High Court Order. They prefer being Frasers though and don't want to go back so we'll keep using the name even if it's not official for now. :P