Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Thursday, 17 September 2009

if i am lost it's only for a little while

So life seems to have become too much for me recently (seems this is happening to quite a few people this year..?).

Due to a series of recent really stressful events, on top of my on-going and accumulating long-term stress of the past 18-months, well I pretty much lost my will to live.

It sounds dramatic, but it is true. I stopped waking up feeling happy and hopeful, and had I had the choice I would not have bothered to get out of bed some days.

Usually if I feel like that I can go for a run or to a yoga class and that puts me back on track and I am fine again. This time I didn't care about running, I didn't want to. Even yoga felt like a chore and too much effort. I was tired, lethargic, morose, grumpy, snappish and frankly almost catatonic some of the time. I masked my hurt, depression and feelings by forgoing any kind of real interaction and lying in bed eating and watching stuff on my laptop in the evenings. At work I would sit and stare. I could FEEL that I wasn't ok. For the first time I thought I might seriously need help and actually need medication.

I've put on weight and cms and that just exacerbated my feeling of self-loathing and depression and disappointment in myself. It also escalates my desire to hide away and be alone and not be seen. 'Don't look at me. Don't touch me, Don't even notice me at all please.'. But I could not snap out of it.

I'll admit I even had some morbid thoughts - fleetingly. That is not something I could or ever really would consider. (Promise) My boys are too important to me and they really do give me a reason to live. I can't imagine that life would ever be so bad that it wouldn't be worth being here to share their lives with them. But apart from that I was pretty unlovable. 'Burning bridges shore to shore.' Bulletproof. A hedgehog. Closed. Impenetrable. I can't trust anyone, so I don't need anyone.

2 Colleagues took me aside because they were worried about me, and my kids - ok they have heard some of my hectic phone calls with cops and lawyers etc in the past few weeks.

I have been sick etc, but I am physically better now, but mentally and emotionally I have just been giving up. I was starting to get this underlying niggling feeling that I am depressed.

I have been to counseling before. I know what it entails and where/how it is helpful ...

I saw a grief counselor after Angelique's death (awful woman who did nothing to help, and didn't tell me anything I didn't already know), went to a psychologist for 'PND' when Quinn was 8 months old (lovely lady, I liked talking to her, but within 15 minutes she said I did not have PND or any unusual issues after 4-5 sessions she discharged me and wanted to see my ex instead), then we saw A FAMSA counselor (she also only wanted to see him after 2 sessions), then I saw the counselor before the egg donation (she was FAB, but she also said I was sane, and although I clearly have been through a lot I have very strongly developed self-analysis skills and coping mechanisms). I have then also talked to my children's play therapist, social worker and Ed Psych.

Anyway as I said I have enough experience with this (I think) to know that talking about it all some more is not going to help. I KNOW, I understand it, I can deal with it on a rational level. I understand my emotions too.

Generally these people usually ask ME if I am on medication and seem surprised when I have always said that I am fine and don't think I need it.

I still do not WANT to be on medication. I hesitate to even take a Panado... but something in me is/was telling me strongly that chemically I was not ok and I couldn't JUST talk myself out of it this time and rationalise and DO something.

I felt anxious, tense, stressed and hopeless ALL THE TIME. Which is very unusual for me. I have been incapable of pretending I am fine, and faking it either. It's like I had nothing there, not even to act with.

I asked for advice from friends and then I spoke to a pharmacist. I explained that I have all this on going stress and I can usually deal with it by running and yoga etc, but right now I don't have the energy, motivation or willpower to even do those things that I usually LIKE, and I feel like I need a nudge to get over this hump so I can carry on.

I was recommended to try 5-HTP * and/or Biral **.

The 5HTP in particular makes sense to me, and feels like what I need. The pharmacist said the Biral can be a good way to get through a temporary stressful or depressive period too.

So I got both*** and have been taking them for 2 days now. Placebo affect or not, I have been able to run for the past 2 days, have stopped over eating and feel a lot less anxious. I still feel tense, but I feel I am coping again. I feel I can carry on, and I am happy to be alive again. There is hope there again. I don't feel great and I will not be running through the hills singing 'The Sound of Music' any time soon. But I am here and life will go on.

* "5-Hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) is an amino acid that is the intermediate step between tryptophan and the important brain chemical serotonin. There is a massive amount of evidence that suggests that low serotonin levels are a common consequence of modern living. The lifestyle and dietary practices of many people living in this stress-filled era results in lowered levels of serotonin within the brain. As a result, many people are overweight, crave sugar and other carbohydrates, experience bouts of depression, get frequent headaches, and have vague muscle aches and pain. All of these maladies are correctable by raising brain serotonin levels."

** "Biral is a natural product of plant origin, it acts on the central nervous system to bring about a mild sedative action. It may be used as a daytime sedative. Biral does not cause drowsiness, nor does it impair mental alertness and concentration." It is a mild tranquilizer, but it supposed to reduce anxiety.

*** I told Quinn what they were for when he asked, and after about an hour he said earnestly 'I hope those pills do help you to stop feeling so grumpy' :/

So this is my song at the moment...

Monsters - Band of Horses

a treat for all these problems
they can't find you for the moment
then for all past efforts
they're buried deep beneath your heart
and somewhere in your stomach

and hatred for all others
when awful people they surround you

well, eh, they just like monsters
they come to feed on me
giant little animals to feed

though to say "we got much hope,
if I am lost it's only for a little while"

a treat for all these problems
they can't find us for the moment
then for all past effort
they're buried deep beneath our hearts
and somewhere in our stomachs

and hatred for all others
awful people they surround you
eh, they just like monsters
they come to feed on us
giant little animals for us

though to say "we got much hope,
if i am lost it's only for a little while"
though to say "we got much hope,
if i am lost it's only for a little while
if i am lost it's only for a little while
if i am lost it's only for a little while..."


  1. (((HUGS))) you've had a rough year, be gentle with yourself.
    I hope the litttle pills work.

  2. I hope you feel better soon.

    Wish there was something I could do to help out, anything :-)

    Let me know if I can.

  3. Jane I have felt this exact same way the last 2 weeks!

    This week has been horrible :( Much tears and much wanting to run away!

    Biral is brilliant! Really I have taken it on and off the last 3 years and it helps!

  4. you are very special Jane. very special xxx

  5. you are very special Jane. very special xxx

  6. If you need help, get it. Be it to talk or meds whatever.... both the meds you mention is very mild (believe me, I know lol) and you will be just fine darling. xxx

    Been there and wearing the T-shirt OFTEN.

    Loves you.

  7. Hope you feeling better and looking after yourself. Big hug. xx

  8. Sterkte skattie. Thinking of you lots

  9. Lady. With all due respect. Youre not skating on thin ice. You've gone through it. Stop focusing on the things that are wrong. Tick, you're trying your damndest at that hey? Try harder. You're in a WAR. Get out of the trenches. Think of the things you HAVE got. Stop, for pete's sake thinkin about ANYTHING negative. Stop it. Dam it! Every time you do, trigger it into a positive thought. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Not BEHIND you!

    You need loads of real friends. Don't be flippant about therapy. Go get some more. Talk talk talk. Talk to professionals. Dumping on your mates gets you platitudes. Just not sustainable.

    I would seriously advise getting off the blogging habit as well. Just for a bit. But i'm not a therapist. Go hang out at an AIDS orphanage for a few weeks.

    Do all the things you want to do. The more you concentrate on your pain, the more you're gonna bring more on yourself. The more you get your good stuff done, the faster you get to feeling good, sustainably.

    Just a thought, you know. A lot of people. Loads of people, bucket loads of them, are a LOT worse off than you are. You are strong and powerful, gorgeous and successful. Your mind is your best friend. Keep it PROPERLY exercised. You know what works for you, and what doesn't. Don't do the "doesn't" bits. Trigger your positive side. There's always a bright side.

    You've had a lot of shite. Get up. Get on with your stuff. You're doing fine. You're doing brilliantly. And if your body doesn't want to run, listen to it. Its totally fine.

    You're in a WAR ZONE. But this your life. Johnny Deep is not gonna get you out. This is your movie. And you are Jane DEEP. The strong Jane Deep. With the wherewithall to harness ALL your potential, and keep harnessing it in a positive way.

    You can still have a totally good time through all this muck. It's just life man. There are rough roads and smooth roads, but you get to choose! Actually they're just roads, man! Ride them like the bucking bronco. And enjoy when you fall. Its just a virtual. Its not real. There's no blood. Everybody falls. Get back on the horse, and have another go. Or take a time-out. Never blame the horse! Never blame anybody. Thank the horse, and let him go. Pick another horse. Or walk. Keep learning. Everything that comes your way is teaching you.

    Nobody has more control over your mind than you do. You can take it ANYWHERE. Take it to the nicest places. Take it. Come on. You know how! If it takes you to a shitty place, turn around and go in the other direction. Or run over the shitty place. The journey is never ending. The thrills too.

    Take your mind on a ride. Enjoy it. Enjoy all of it.

    Sorry for the rant. I'm a big fan. And i hate to see you downing.

    You always have all the energy you need. And you're always stronger than you think you are.

    Big hug!

  10. Glad you doing this! Wish I had done that instead but I guess I need to give these anti-deps a chance to work. So far they suck, tight jaw, tight body. Mentioned you on my blog today but will attempt to go back and link to this post.

  11. Dear Jane...

    In the height of my hopelessness, Lily Allen's The Fear was my theme song. FU song was #2 :). All I know is that by the grace of God my life was spared (yes, I tried), my marraige in the process of being repaired (after I cheated), AD drugs are working. Sounds like you need prayers and hugs. There are some things we just have to give over to Him...I'm lucky that I hit the bottom. Because only from bottom can we see the way to the top of the water. Air hug. :)

  12. yes I feel that, i don't want to get out of bed. I know that the sun will rise again tomorrow and I would really prefer if it did not.

    ((hugs)) Jane I really hope things get better for you.