Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Not optional!

"Never make someone your priority when to them you're only an option."

In relationships, we should be a priority, every time, not an easy option that anyone can cast aside or ignore whenever he/she wishes. That is so debilitating and destructive. When we have little self-esteem, when we hold ourselves in low regard and when we lack self-respect we tend to put other people above us in needs and value.

We might be in a relationship where:
* the person won't commit;
* they make regular excuses for not being able to ring us or see us;
* we instinctively feel that they might be seeing someone else;
* they deny us love and affection and take it elsewhere;
* we feel alone and neglected.

But do we do anything about it? Noooo. Do we get out of there fast or clearly put our own needs on the table? Not at all. We continue to make excuses for our pain and frustrated hopes and expectations and to make excuses for our partners. We suffer in silence, and martyrdom, while continually hoping for something else to happen, even when we feel deep down it won't be forthcoming, while becoming increasingly unattractive in the process through worry and stress.

Many people, especially women, sit and bear it, hoping daily that the person will change, that they will begin to treat them better. That they will eventually be No.1. Even when these women (and men) can clearly feel that they are a low option for their lovers or partners, that they come last in the diary, the schedule, the job, the scheme of things, they still hang in there taking the crumbs that fall off the table instead of being the main bread themselves. Such a situation, where the relationship is clearly imbalanced, is not good for either person.

Consequences of being an option
First of all, for the uncaring partner, such attention and acceptance feed their ego, reinforce unwanted behaviour, place them in a perceived higher status and encourage them to continue in the same vein of treatment both inside and outside the home. By being allowed to treat another person as dispensable they get to set the rules, to set the tone of the relationship, to set the degree of connection, and ultimately dictate the results, exactly in the manner they desire. Most importantly, it encourages them to take their partners for granted and to mainly please themselves. Theirs is not a partnership of reciprocity but a self-serving one which suits their intent and boosts their esteem. Why should they change it?

Second, for the person on the receiving end, it keeps them feeling anxious, low in esteem, impotent and inadequate. They are kept feeling trapped, not in an equal partnership, but one where they are relegated to second-best. It deprives them of other love, affection and attention they could be getting from someone else, it cements their perceived low-esteem in their own eyes and, worst of all, over time, it robs them of self-love and self-respect. Usually, such partners would say that they 'love' the other person who treats them as an option. But true love does not hurt, harm or neglect. It is the greatest force of empowerment in our lives. Once we love, the object of that love is a priority, truly, because that is all we care about: showing that lover just how much they mean to us. There is no place for options in that relationship. They become an indispensable part of us.

We only make people, who treat us badly, priorities in our lives when we have no self-love. We believe we do not deserve anything better because that person is the best we can get. We stay put, perhaps for convenience and full of fear, while dying inside from anxiety and neglect. Not realising that as long as we keep reinforcing the behaviour we do not like, keep reinforcing ourselves as dispensable options, keep hoping for better that never materialises, we will never become a priority for anyone, least of all, for ourselves.

The above article is from HERE.


  1. Mmmm. You are responsible for your happiness. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

    Find teh positive spin to this story, please.

    It WILL make you feel better.

    If you post generalisation bleats, then you will find yourself 'enjoying' bleating. If its your comfort space, more in the sense that you're used to it, rather than you dig being there, then you find yourself coming back to it possilbly.

    I have a feeling you don't enjoy bleating, coz bleating begets bleating, no? Its kind of only useful just the once, to get past the anger bit. But then what are you left with. REalise its pointless being angry so you move to mildlydepressed shy introvert, fearful of the next time its gonna happen perhaps... That kind of gets you going backwards...

    Try the positive spin once the vent is ventilated... Practise it often enough, and you find you go straight to positve, and slowly you get to leave the anger and venting bit out, since, well, basically feeling better is better than feeling shitty...

    Positive spin eg: One or two dudes have not worked out for you. This you know you didn't want. Which leaves you closer to finding what you do want... Mmm that feels a bit better?

    If you don't think about it; if you don't name it - its not there. How bout having faith in that idea?

    Mmmm I think this may have turned out to be more a 'ventilation' for me than you... maybe helpful if you put it in your own words...

    your world is the dancer, you can be the dance. and yours is a GREAT dance.

    and hey, you love you.

  2. Mmmm. Thiink you had said what i opened with, much better... I reckon you said it for too long tho, reinforcing those behavioural characteristics you're tyring to get away from... I could/should have just written this bit:

    Try the positive spin once the vent is ventilated...

    Over time you'll find you leave the middle bit [anger and venting and consequential behaviour patterns] out, since, well, basically feeling better is better than feeling shitty...

    Practise it often enough, and you find you go straight from positive to positve. To klap those familiar behavioural cows in their moos.

    Positive spin eg: One or two dudes have not worked out for me. This I know I didn't want. Which leaves me where?

    Closer to finding what I do want...

    Mmm that feels a bit better? Enlightenment can now continue, coz i'm going to allow badshit to pass by without giving it any attetion, and i'm gonna give brain time to all the goodstuff i do have right now. New behaviour pattern are taking hold and i'm diggin that.

    I feel a bit better now... I like rolling this boulder downhill.

    Adventure continua as they say in the classieks.

  3. Jane, you are beautiful beyond description, you are lovely and marvelous. You are precious and fun and delicate. You are wise and smart. You are honorable and good. You are very very special. I wish that only good things would come your way x x x x

  4. If you allow people to treat you badly, you are confirming its okay..

  5. Anonymous, you are actually starting to piss me off, not because what you say is not valid and/or well meaning, but because of posting as anonymous and rather condescending too.

    If you know me, let me know who you are so I can acknowledge that and accept your opinion and advice from that perspective. If I don't know you, then frankly you don't have a fucking clue about my situation or my issues and while your pop-psychology is great to read practical experience is a little different.

    I am not blinkered, or unaware. I am learning and growing and testing and trying. Part of my process is having an outlet here on my blog. I battle to explore my feeling with other people verbally, and if it weren;t for this all this would be in my head only, and that is not healthy either. I need an outlet to express myself, please don;t make me put on some kind of act for you. I feel what I feel and I observe that and then respond. Over time my responses vary and I monitor what works and what doesn't.

    I KNOW that I create my own reality, it doesn't mean I can easy amend what I create. I am working on it.

    It also doesn't help when some of my issues are deep seated primal issues - which are not simply CBT or NLP altered. I can not just think past them I need to find a way to redefine those and they are deeply entrenched scars, which I have learned/allowed to reinforce with more of the same.

    Knowing something mentally and living/believing it emotionally are quite different things. I am FINE, WHOLE, HAPPY mentally. 100%. My emotional state not so much. I can bury my emotions quite successful a lot of the time, but when they are triggered - by love, sadness, anger etc they are strong and deep. They are hard to deal with, but I like to think that when I feel I at least know I am ALIVE and that is good.

    I'd respect you and your opinion a lot more if you'd stop hiding.

  6. You're right. I'm anonymously speaking way out of turn. Right again, I don't know much of your stuff. You're so fun when things are going swimmingly, an inspiration. You write straight from the heart, and so well. A totally endearing human. The way you talk about what running gives you... You're so gifted, some days i think when i grow up i wanna be like you. And i'm not being trite.

    And, nope we don't know each other. I stumbled upon your blog. Am going/ have gone through some of the things you're going through, and some quite different. i thought i could help sweep some snow from the front of your front door so to speak, albeit with generalisations (!) in the form of pop psychology as you call it.... Sorry!

    And if there's a percepted condescending tone, sorry to a factor of 9! Totally unintentional... I re-read my ra-ra to you, and looking for it, i picked up quite a bit of condescension, bit of judgment too perhaps. Foolish and inconsiderate, plainly impolite - i don't feel too good about this... I wish i could take it back and have communicated with unambiguous caring. Apologies again.

    I been practising some of this pop psychology, and it works for me often enough, so was hoping some of it could work for you too... I get grumpy when you feel grim.

    a) Am happy to remain anonymous, or call me José. I don't think it matters. b) Am also happy to respect your wish, and stop chanting perspectives anonymously about how i think you should go about feeling a bit better about cack that can trip us up as we tramp along.

    Am using too many adjectives and too many analogies. Am not hundred percent happy with my comm skills, spoken or written. I'm more of a 'feeler' - find it a challenge to translate them - which helps mindreaders a whole lot more than it does humans, he lamely jokes hoping but not quite believing he;ll get a hint of a smile out of the prolific blogger.

    I fear you're about to gleefully frogmarch me outta here - so maybe i should choose option b) and salute you a final, final time. Will think a bit harder next time i consider blathering on to somebody else about how they could be living their lives.

    If i start my own blog, i'll look you up again and let you know.

    You have my respect. Wish you long life,

  7. Gosh Jose I am impressed and flattered at the time and effort you have put in to respond - both to my rant at you and in general in the past. I am sorry I lashed out at you a bit in anger. It was not my intention to frog-march you out the door, or make you feel bad in any way, but I just felt a need to know where this 'voice' was coming from.

    It must be said that I DO believe your approach, and it is what I try to do. I have found that by expressing my negative/sad/despondent thoughts here when I have them I can release them and not dwell on them. And to me that is a good thing. Sure it would be better to not have them at all, but sometimes things happen which do cause unbalance and emotional disharmony.

    If I learned anything from watching my mother ruin her life (by playing the eternal victim, and being apathetically dis-involved emotionally with anyone, and not taking responsibility/accountability for anything) it is that I will feel, will react and will be responsible for my choices and reactions. I will not live with regrets or with a victim mentality. My belief is that we may not be able to chose what happens to us, but we sure can chose how we react and move forward from that. I like to think a really good example of that is my journey from having lost my daughter. I am proud of that too. The single worst thing that could ever happen to me did, and I used it to try to make myself a better person and I turned it into something good.

    All that said I do believe I make mistakes in my relationships. I must do. It is the only reason I can think of why people think I am fantastic and why I am blissfully happy but then they are not. Apparently without cause and unrealted to anything I did or didn't do.

    Is it because I seek out troubled and damaged people? Or are they attracted to me? And if so why??? And what do I do about this?

    I do not play relationship games. I refuse to control, manipulate, use 'the rules', or do any of the silly things women do to keep men on a leash. It's just not who I am. I believe I am an equal in the world and I treat others as equal. I do not want to dictate to another person, so I let people do what they want to. My want is to be with someone because it is good and fun and because we BOTH want it. Is that not what it should be?

    So why then when I commit 150% emotionally but give complete freedom, and give fun, passion, nurturing, attention +++ do my partners seek something ELSE? What can someone who has been given everything want???

    My only conclusion is that the chase and effort is lacking with me. *lightbulb moment?* I am so easy going that I am no challenge.

    No seat for me? I'll sit on the floor!
    Plans have changed? No problem.
    You need to 'work' suddenly? Here let me get up early and make you a snack.
    Your leg hurts? Come let me rub it better.

    It must be that out of my caring and concern I become a secure, easy, option, but they can get their thrill of the hunt elsewhere.

    That is all I can think of anyway.

    Thanks again Jose. And know that I do know that 'You are what you think'. I noticed just after losing my daughter that if I was in a bad mood things go wrong, people are rude to me, I get hooted at in traffic etc etc, yet when I am in a good mood everyone smiles at me, and gives way in the traffic and is NICE. It was quite profound to realise it was ME causing all that. Depending on whether I was giving out positive or negative changed the way people reacted to me. That was nearly 12 years ago. ;)

  8. Jane I understand this post soo much!

    I really want to feature it on F2F - would you be ok with that?

  9. Golly. Took me hours to write that... If i write quickly, i get lost intranslation easily.

    I'd prefer not be quoted on FPF. What is that?

    Think best for me that i go with option b). There is no past, there is no future there is only right now. How do you feel better this very microsecond. Do your stuff. Make the tea, drnk it. Go to work do it. We are not our mothers or fathers. They made their deciscions for them. You make your decisions for you. Just do, don't think. Nike, much as i detest marketing, didn't need the pronoun. I'm sounding trite and prescriptive again. I must to sleepy.

    Big hug

  10. Jose. No way.

    I am pretty sure you are Adrian btw... unless you are Louis...