Worried

It is very hard for me to move on with my life at the moment... I have my own issues (I think we all do...?) with myself.

Some days it is hard enough getting through the day and dealing with my own self... then on top of that I have to deal with my boys, who let's face it are going through a hell of an ordeal themselves and are also struggling. So when they behave less than sterlingly, I need to make the effort to understand why and react accordingly - not just yell and smack etc. It's hard. Sometimes I want to just give up, or lose control... but I don't have that luxury. Plus I am very aware of demanding too much from the boys and expecting perfect behaviour and too much responsibility. It's not fair to expect them to grow up too fast, just because their parents screwed up...

So it falls on me to be a responsible adult and parent, and put them and their needs first. That means I get up and get dressed every day, make meals, take them on outings, play with them etc. - whether I want to or not. I do the whole happy-happy 'everything is alright' routine no matter what is going on inside me... Even if I have had a potentially lethal run-in with strange criminals who have broken into my house in the middle of the night. (Ok, I do talk about sadness and anger with them and let them know if I am upset, I am not a robot and am not masking real feelings, I am just saying I don't burden them with too much negativity, or wanting them to support me emotionally.). I AM OK. We are ok, and mom will make sure we are fine, more than fine. I want us to be GOOD, not just ok.

Truth be told, far from feeling like the boys are a burden on me (although an occasional break would be nice, honestly they have been darlings for the most part, so I can't complain) I actually think they are saving me. They are my very reason for getting out of bed everyday and going out, and not totally isolating myself from the world. They are my reason for living at the moment. I am thankful for that.

But I still have my dark moments, and moments of despair, exhaustion, sadness, grief, loss, depression, self-loathing, lack of self control, defeat etc etc etc.

The thing is it is hard for me to claw myself out of this and get on a good path and STAY there because, well R is not coping well. I can't and don't want to say too much here, but he is not in a good place. He needs help (and I hope he goes to get it). And in the mean time I am worried. Worried for him, very much so yes. But more so worried about my boys and how they are watching their dad slip away. They don't see him often, and I am not sure how involved or happy he is when they do see him. I fear they are going to feel he has rejected them, because that's what it looks like. I don't think it is deliberate though, I think it's just an overriding case of not coping with life or himself and having nothing left over...

I hope he sorts himself out, he owes it to his children (and to himself) to get back on track and find a reason to LIVE.

We can't ever replace him. he is my children's FATHER. I just hope he'll realise they really want and need a DAD too.

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

(MAROON 5 - Better That We Break)