I have officially realised that I am not in control anymore, and as a result I have put on weight, lost my fitness level and have started building emotional walls around myself making myself unapproachable... and hence un-hurtable.
This is wonderful backwards progress.
I have moments of feeling disappointed and wanting to hate myself...
I am probably not getting enough sleep, and some days just feel so tired and overwhelmed by responsibility. But I have to keep going.
So despite dealing with all the things that are broken and need fixing, that need doing, that the boys need and that work needs, I am also dealing with some bi-polar love-hate attention from R... it hurts me badly. Both when he expressed love and hate for me. I just can't escape it.
I woke up with the Cold Play song "Warning Sign" lyrics repeating in my head this morning 'When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so '.So I have decided I can not be too strict on myself. My goals and expectations for MYSELF have got to take a back seat. So while I feel the disappointment in myself creaping in, more and more often, I have to keep reminding myself to go easy on myself. I have been through a LOT this year. A LOT. Hopefully I can get the rest back on track in time (soon please!) but I have to concentrate on my emotional & psychological state now, and not punish myself for not looking and acting perfect.
This is really really hard. I had NO IDEA.....
Yes be easy on yourself. You can fix it all in one month, one year. You have been through so much. I can imagine that things with R must make it really really hard for you
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed hard. Some people can get over things easily and quickly, and get on with their life. I never could. My first serious relationship last for a year and I didn't get over him until I was engaged to my first husband, two years later. Then I took a couple of years to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was not going to work, and I had to do something about it, because he wasn't going to.
ReplyDeleteYup. It hurts. For ages. But time does heal all wounds. Eventually. And don't be afraid to cry. It helps.
{{{HUGS}}}
Sometimes just letting go and giving in to the moment is all we can do!!
ReplyDeleteI go thro moments like this and I dont see it as a step back anymore!
I see it as yes another chance to learn and grow!
You will be ok!
I am so sorry. I have no other words.
ReplyDeleteDivorce and life after divorce is NOT for the faint hearted. Sometimes I doubted I would be able to take another step.... Is very painful.
ReplyDeleteYou have been very brave and honourable and you need to go easy on yourself, that and find a church! Seriously, you don't have to do this alone, make Him carry it, make Him carry you. All what you got to do... is just ask. From Lordy me .x
ReplyDeleteJaney Pooh,
ReplyDeleteTIME HEALS!
Its the crappest saying in the world but its the truth!!
And you need to give yourself that time! :)
You are strong and beautiful.
you should come round for HOT DOGS sometime! he he he he he he he he he.
Thanks for all the support guys. It means a lot to me really.
ReplyDeleteI have had a really difficult time. This is not easy, but I know I will get through it in the end... but it is changing me, and possibly not for the better :/
Lindy: Oh LOL. *vomit through nose* BUt yes we must get together!
Mel: Thanks, but sorry that just aint going to happen. I have no belief in god, especially not a personified man on a cloud Christian one.