Bovine Guide to Politics

Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows
You sell one and buy a bull
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows
You sell them and retire on the income

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are
You decide to have lunch

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows
You count them and learn you have five cows
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you
You charge the owners for storing them

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows
You have 300 people milking them
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows
You worship them

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows
Both are mad

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows
You tell them that you have none
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows
Business seems pretty good
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows The one on the left looks very attractive