Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Friday, 3 July 2009

There's a time for us to let go

This morning I was woken by a phone call... it was one of THOSE phone calls.
My mom died this morning at 06:15.

Rest in Peace mom.
Sandra Schoenraad/Fraser/Mathews. (28 Jul 1946 - 3 Jul 2009) :`(

Paul Van Dyk - Time of our lives

There's a time for us to let go
There's a time for holding on
A time to speak, a time to listen
There's a time for us to grow

There's a time for laying low down
There's a time for getting high
A time for peace, a time for fighting
A time to live, a time to die

A time to scream, a time for silence
A time for truth against the lies
A time for faith, a time for science
There's a time for us to shine

There is a time for mixed believing
There's a time to understand
A time for hurt, a time for healing
A time to run to make a stand

Oh, this is the time of our lives
Oh, this is the time of our lives
Oh, this is the time of our lives
...

This is very very hard. It was somewhat expected because she hasn't been well, but even so it is still a shock.

I went to the home she was living in this morning and I was left alone in her room. With her there under a sheet and I was suddenly literally TERRIFIED of looking at her. It's been nearly 3 years since I saw her... :cry: I was kneeling there frozen with fear and indecision.

I eventually touched her arm through the sheet and it was still soft and slightly warm. I phoned my sister and bawled my eyes out and told her I didn't know what to do. She told me I must look - to get closure - so after the call I did. It was not easy. She had got so thin and frail and I barely recognised her.

I don't think anything can prepare someone for seeing their parent dead. It was literally shocking. I stayed there with her with my arm on her leg until the undertaker came and they took her body.

My sister is coming down later as she has power of attorney and she wants to be here, so between her and I we are going to take care of everything.

I went out into the mountains afterwards and did a 10+km walk/run - just in what I was wearing - and now my feet really ache, but I needed to be out on my own and with my own thoughts etc. It helped.

I just want to hear and see my babies now, but they went to their dad last night (till Sunday) and I can not get hold of them. :cry: :cry: :cry: Quinn's phone is off. :(

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I may be quiet for a while.
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12 comments:

  1. Paula3 July 2009 at 12:51

    Aww no Jane. So sorry to read your news. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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  2. Gillian3 July 2009 at 13:52

    How Awful Jane...I will say a wee prayer for you.

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  3. Meriel3 July 2009 at 16:18

    I'm thinking about you lots Jane. xxxx No-one should have to go through this all on your own. Lots of love going out to you Jane.

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  4. meshlee3 July 2009 at 19:39

    Hey Jane. My mom passed 25 January. (My dad left in 2003).

    It's very hard. It's gonna get harder. Then it gets easier. Time will stand still. You're gonna forget where you put your keys.

    Your parents made their decisions, and you can make yours. Be quiet or don't. Change your mind often as you like. It's a crazy, crazy time. So a few smiles will eek themselves out - when you a) lock your keys in the car or b) c) d) etc etc.

    You'll come to treasure this difficult time. For inexplicable and possibly explicable reasons. And treasure will find you. Because you are treasure.

    Lots of love, big hug.

    Golly. Here's the PS: I don't know anyone who understands death, but for many of us the difficulty is not only in the loss, but also in the grappling to have a sense of where they go. Some people have religion to help, some are blessed with a gut certainty and others quite rationally think in terms of an absolute cessation of existence in death. But our memories remain and their impact is always indellible and ever-present - they are an ingredient in a world which is an accumulation of everything that's gone before.

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  5. Strawberry_Lamb4 July 2009 at 14:48

    Aw Jane, thinking of you.

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  6. Jeanette4 July 2009 at 15:25

    I'm so sorry Jane :(
    Hope you get hold of your boys soon

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  7. The Nocturnal5 July 2009 at 21:25

    Hey.... I know your relationship with your Mom has not been an easy one.... but I also know that doesn't make any of this easier....

    I cried for my step-father when he died and I really disliked that man... I guess I cried for what could have been.

    Anyway - I am thinking of you... x

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  8. Jaxie6 July 2009 at 07:03

    I am so very sorry to hear about you mom.

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  9. JaneF6 July 2009 at 14:37

    Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I did manage to track the boys down late on Friday and spoke to them. They are back with me now...

    Meshlee I have already lost my cell hone and my work access card... so I totally relate to what you said. ;)

    On the plus side all the recent nonsense with my sister is erased and resolved. I am glad. :)

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  10. angel6 July 2009 at 21:43

    Jane, my heart aches for you.

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  11. Ann7 July 2009 at 10:39

    I am so very sorry xxxx

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  12. Ash20 July 2009 at 12:24

    I'm so sorry Jane. *hugs*

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