... you feel yourself suffocating?

I have mentioned before how I have this serendipitous/coincidence thing with music. As things happen to me appropriate sound-tracks seem to play. It happens a lot. I heard this song as I was driving to the magistrates court the other day.

And then again after the race where I quite literally choked....

Green Day - 21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

I do think I have come to the end of the road. I can not fight, struggle, cope and deal with any MORE. This is IT. It has to be over now.

I saw Inglorious Basterds last night, and freaking LOVED it! It is brilliant. Shocking, funny, clever, gruesome etc. Very riveting watching. I realised this morning though that I am not feeling all that zen about my ex, and may be harbouring some rage and anger - when I drove past his car and had an almost overwhelming urge to torch it. Anyone got some nitrate film for me? ;)

But truthfully now I throw my arms up to the sky and surrender. NO MORE!

Hang my Head - Drown my Fear

First I had a bit of an emotional break-down at the magistrates court, and then I had a 10km race in the evening, where I had again (stupidly) challenged a whole bunch of people to a 'beer-challenge'.

At the 5km mark I was about to keel over and die, or vomit, or something and so for the first time ever I just gave up. I could not breathe. It felt like I only had half lungs. I felt like I was going to just break-down. So I walked back to the start crying and just trying to get a decent breath in.

I so wish I was enough of a priority in someone's life that they would just wrap their arms around me and tell me I am going to be ok - even if they are just saying that.

At least I got a chance to talk shit and have a few drinks, and even came near to winning a game of pool, so I feel a lot better now. But I don't think I have ever got as close to feeling so physically panicked and defeated.

I can't go on like this.

Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun

In my eyes
Indisposed
In disguise
As no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
The sun
In my disgrace
Boiling heat
Summer stench
neath the black
The sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you
Scream again

Black hole sun
Wont you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Wont you come
Wont you come

Stuttering
Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings
Like you
Anymore

Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

Get Out of Jail card - R300

After thinking and talking the issue through this morning and taking all advice into consideration, I decided to go in to the Magistrate court with my paper work to see if I could find someone to speak to. I realised I could not risk actually being arrested, not only from a credit & criminal record POV, but also because the LAST thing I need is for the cops to rock up at home and to arrest me in front of the boys... I just could not let that happen.

So off I went. But I couldn't get in the front door because they insisted I had 'a weapon' in my bag. After trying unsuccessfully to convince them that I really didn't, I started getting a bit emotional, so I emptied my bag out on the floor dramatically. They calmly x-rayed my empty bag... and found a nail file stuck in the lining.

By that stage I was losing it a bit, so after them trying to insist I leave because of the 'dangerous' nail file in my possession. I impatiently threw it out the door and marched into the lift and up to the 4th floor. I had no idea where I was going it was just the first button I pressed. Once I got out and realised there were just corridors of closed doors everywhere I had a bit (ok quite a lot) of a break down.

A concerned man found me and calmed me down enough to be able to explain the issue to him. He then directed me to the 3rd floor where I waited in a queue and then saw an officer who listened for a few minutes and then canceled the fines. He said he couldn't cancel the contempt of court fine, as that can only be done by a magistrate. I would need to take a day off work, go back get listed on a court roll and then wait appear in court. All for R300. I decided to rather pay it.

I went down to the cashier, waited in a queue for about 45 mins and paid the R300.

So it is sorted.
He get off scot-free. Surprise-surprise.

And I am literally FINISHED.

This had better be the last thing. Because I can not do this stuff anymore. I think I have found my breaking point.

Assvice please...

Pertaining to the post below.

Ok I have prepared a 13-page document detailing the entire situation including all relevant forms, emails and dates and info as it happened. As far as I am concerned I have a pretty strong case too. However I am effectively and technically in contempt of court now and they are free to arrest me as and when they wish.

I spoke to someone at the magistrates court this afternoon. It seems I only have 2 available options here (well 3 - if you include sit and wait to be arrested..):

1. Appear before the magistrate and plead my case and hopefully get off... Or rather sic them on HIM instead. But this would mean I would need to take at least a day off work, arrive there early and hope to be near the front of the queue and get a turn to be seen. It relies on 'the system' actually working for me. Is there much chance of that in reality?

or

2. Cough up R1000 to settle it all and move on.

(Noting that I have a R2000 lawyer bill to pay still, and need to do some roof repairs etc etc etc too)

So there doesn't seem to be any good option.

Do you think it's worth trying the court option? Or should I, once again, cut my losses and sort out HIS mess???



I am so so so tired of always having to sort everything out all the time. There can not be anything more now. Surely?!

I actually couldn't make this stuff up!

The amount of crap, drama and bullshit surrounding my divorce and ex is so ludicrous I actually couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

The latest development is I have now had a warrant of arrest issued against me for being in contempt of court. I kid you not.

Why? Well, because there are outstanding fines and license fees on a car I don't even own!

Ok, here's the whole story...

I bought a Hyundai Elantra (Blue Steel) in July 2004. In September 2006 I got my Fiat Panda (Basil), at which point ex got Blue Steel - it stayed registered in my name. Any licensing fees or fines incurred on that vehicle from that date were passed through to him for settlement.

In April 2008 we separated, and we legally divorced on 2 September 2008. As part of our divorce agreement the Elantra was listed as his asset.

On 5 September last year I wrote the following to him via e-mail: "The Hyundai registration – needs to be in your name not mine. It is your asset now."

He responded: "Please leave this for now, it is a sale / roadworthy schlep.I will sort out any outstanding fines, and get the car back in shape."

I asked it about it several times following that but he asked me to not process the transfer at that time. But then on 24 April I mailed him the following: "A summons arrived last night, please sort it out. I am still thinking it is better to get the car transferred into your name otherwise I am going to remain liable for it and anything done with it, which doesn't make me feel comfortable..."

All this time I was also battling to get him to sign the required documents to get the house transferred into my name (this was finally achieved after the conveyancing attorney threatened getting a court order for this after waiting over 6 months). He lost his job and was living in a camp site and had become extremely uncooperative and sometimes hostile. He stopped paying maintenance payments in March and allowed kid's medical aid premium to lapse due to lack of payment (without letting me know) etc you know all this...

I eventually approached the Wynberg licensing department in an attempt to get the car transferred out of my name, or to have it declared as scrapped. They told me this was not possible if it was still being driven around and that it would need to be transferred. I was still paying insurance on this vehicle up to this point too, knowing I couldn’t cancel the insurance while it was still listed against my name.

On 27 May I sent him the following via e-mail: "I am going to get the car transfer papers for the Hyundai Elantra, as I am not prepared to be responsible for that car and what happens to and with it. Since we have to arrange our own medical aid now, it would make sense for me to remove the Hyundai from my insurance premium. I won't do this without first letting you know."

Then on 6 June I sent him this message: "Regarding the additional outstanding issue of the Hyundai Elantra which was granted to you as part of our divorce settlement, I have now initiated proceedings to transfer ownership of the above vehicle from my name to yours. This is something I have attempted to resolve with you on numerous occasions, to no avail."

I got no constructive response to any of these messages so after getting the required forms and filling them in myself, I cornered him to sign them when he collected the boys one day. I then got the vehicle transfer processed. I paid up any outstanding licensing fees and fines up to 2 September 2008 and the transfer was processed effective from that date.

I then e-mailed him the following on 18 June: "The Hyundai is no longer registered in my name, I submitted the Change of Ownership forms this morning and have have paid up the license (and late payment penalties) up to 2 September 2008, when you legally took ownership of the vehicle. Please remember that the insurance on the car (on my policy) ends on 30 June 2009."

On 5 August 2009 I was at home lying sick in bed, when a summons arrived. The gentleman serving the summons came to my bedside. I explained the situation when it was delivered but I was told I had to sign for it, but that I could pass it on to him. I did this the same day and ex told me: "I'll deal with it."

This has clearly not happened and now on 26 October 2009 I have received a 'Notice of a Warrant of Arrest'.

First thing this morning I phoned the authorities to explain the matter and clear my name... but well. What's done is done and can't be undone. I did not appear in court, I am therefore in contempt of court, so a court order has been served and Notice of Warrant of Arrest has been issued. It doesn't matter if it is wrong. It is now court ordered ergo it must happen.

I hope the food in prison is good..? And oh crap - I always drop the soap in the shower! o.O

Seriously though... WHAT THE FUCK ALREADY!?? Am I in some kind of scientific experiment to see just how much I can take before I actually totally crack up? Cos it seems like it.

*deep breath*

Does need /= needy?

I was IMing a friend about my tiredness last week, due to lack of sleep. He asked why I wasn’t sleeping and I said I just found myself waking up and then lying awake listening for sounds in the house... It turned into an interesting conversation and gave me food for thought, including wondering if my degree of independence and self-dependence is actually not that appealing at all. It could even be causing me problems...?

This is some of the conversation:

me: I think subconsciously I feel a bit vulnerable alone in the house with the kids.

but rationally that just annoys me, because I want to not need anyone ever. ;)

JD: Can't blame you for that. That's a normal feeling. After all, you're not very big. And you're responsible for those 2. There's no shame in needing someone... You do know that, don't you?

me: hrm...

JD: I've always been a bit taken aback by that with you...

me: what?

JD: Why do you see it as a problem?

me: deep question. do you really want the answer?

JD: Of course. Unless you prefer not to give it... I don't ask questions unless the answer interests me.

me: in short it is a defence mechanism. and a learned behaviour. I was not very nurtured as a child.

And had little to no mothering/ mother-figure. I learned pretty early to be independent and self-sufficient

I also expect to be abandoned and/or rejected - especially if I show weakness or neediness. So I try not to

JD: But most people like to be needed... You like the fact that your boys need you. Needing people is natural.

me: is it? really? I always approach it from a want perspective...

JD: Want perspective? Don't you think that you might scare people away by not needing them?

me: I always think people should be together because they both WANT to be, not cause they have to or need to... know what I mean?

This is making me think... but experience has taught me not to trust or rely on people very much

JD: I see what you mean but I have a different theory about this.

me: but someone told me a few months ago 'Independent is good, but a bit less fiercely independent would be nice'. So you might be right...

JD: good point for that person

me: BUT when I split up with xyz he said it was because I 'needed' more. <-Note: He actually said he thought I needed more. Something I hadn't considered as a separate point before!

JD: What did you need?

me: ...which confounded me because I really didn't think I did. Although I had allowed myself to open up and be emotional (and in my mind vulnerable)

JD: So you are autistic too :)

me: yeah seems so. I think I have a conflict between being strong, capable, brave etc

and inside sometimes just being a little girl who wants someone to make her feel safe/loved.

and I think our time is up. Psych session over! ;)

JD: ;) You don't have to stop. I won't charge you extra.

me: not sure why I am compelled to spill my guts to you all the time... I can't even blame alcohol!

JD: I like the way you use 'am compelled' to avoid the verb 'need'

me: do you think I 'need' to?

JD: There's no harm in that. And certainly no offence meant.

me: oh and I was going to challenge you on the liking my kids to need me. So I am actually going to give this some serious thought

me: I am pretty strongly focused on not needing anything ever. To the point that I don't even get addicted to stuff. I simply don't NEED anything.

but maybe that's all down to control...?

JD: Interpersonal relation are all based on needs

me: and being in control of myself

JD: acknowledging your needs is not necessarily losing control

me: you are right

JD: Like you did now, you mentioned that sometimes, you want someone to make you feel loved and safe...

want, need, in that statement, they're almost interchangeable.

me: yes

JD: but need would be a more accurate statement

me: true

JD: Because, taking your example for sounds in the night, you'd sleep much better if you knew that there is someone to go walk around in the corridor with a cricket bat if you hear something distressing

me: yes I guess so

but then my rational mind thinks why should that burden fall on someone else..?, AND

I don’t always feel the gender roles are fair. So if there is a sound in the night is it fair to wake up the guy and say 'go look?'

JD: totally with you on that.

me: or 'deal with that spider' etc

JD: But the guy is likely (despite his original annoyed remarks) to go do it anyway.

me: so I have always thought I should do that stuff myself and not shift the burden to someone else. Maybe I am wrong...? (but I do fully accept that men ARE stronger and bigger etc)

JD: Guys like being needed.

me: do they really!?

JD: Of course. As I said, everyone does.

me: how has it taken me THIS long to get to know that??

(section removed about a specific situation and person and which way to go)

me: I think I may be a bit emotionally inept actually

your 'autistic' may be spot on

JD: So that leaves you back were you started... If you don't take an emotional step in his direction, he might leave you and if you do, he might break your heart.

Autism rules!

me: BINGO!

So I still don't have any answers, but I need to examine this idea in more depth.

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are, when you don’t come home at night. ~ Margaret Mead

We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death. ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. ~Tom Bodett

Random stuff

• I am a little bored of the internet at the moment to be honest.
• I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and self-analysing. I think I am learning stuff. But I am also wondering (worrying even) that I am more messed up than I think, and I am just good at bluffing being ok.
• It seems I have a huge issue with need. I am adamant about not NEEDING anything or anyone. EVER. I had a very interesting and eye opening conversation with a good (male) friend about this yesterday, and he gave me so much food for thought. My reasoning may be quite wrong on this one, and may just be having the opposite affect of what I had intended. Hrm...?
• Quinn has been asking me about the money in his bank account for quite a while now, wanting to know how much he has saved. I opened an account for him the day he turned 5. We put a few hundred rand into it. The ex linked the account to his internet banking so he could 'make deposits into it'. I found the card recently. It expired 2 years ago! Oops. Yesterday I popped into the bank to see what the score was. Well the account is closed and there were no funds in it. Oh dear. Suck. Teller and I suspected the R5pm fee had dwindled whatever was in there. I asked for a statement as I told the teller that the poor boy was expecting and excited about having 'savings' in the bank. So I'd better replace whatever we had deposited, else that would be a really bad first banking/saving experience. Well guess what I discovered?? Freaking ex withdrew the funds! (He did move money in and out a few times too, but the end result was it was all removed). Sadly I was not at all surprised. In fact so unsurprised I am not even angry. *sigh*
• The boys have not seen or heard from their dad since mid-August. It is sad and pretty shocking. But I don't think they have ever been this settled before either. So I don't actually think it is a bad thing. Just hard to fathom. I try not to think about it too much.
• My colleague (and only other female in our dept) is pregnant. I am SO excited. In fact I was so excited that I loaned her 12 books and 3 DVDs the day after I found out. That may have been a tad overwhelming. Best I back off a bit hey? ;) But it is very exciting. I miss my doula interaction SO MUCH.
• My other colleague could just be my most ideal man (he is married though). He is just awesome and we are great friends. In fact I am basically one of his guy friends. I love it. Anyhoo, this week after his smoke breaks he has taken to walking back to his desk a really weird and round about way. Ending up squeezing behind me to get to his desk. After the 3rd time I was like 'Dude, WTF?'. He gestured to me that he'd been smoking and didn't want to walk near pregnant colleague, because she is pregnant. OMW. How flippen aware and thoughtful is that!? I was mucho impressed actually.
• I just realised I booked our flights to JHB in December (for a family wedding) 2 days BEFORE the schools break-up. Yikes, they usually break up much earlier. It didn't even occur to me that they might still be at school on those dates. FARK. Hope the school doesn't mind. Quinn is a little bummed because he actually has a perfect attendance record up till now. Yep, not a single day of school missed. Even the day he had his op, he went in for the morning and got fetched early. Oh well.
• I have finally lost the 2kgs that have been haunting me for MONTHS! They had better stay away. (I am not promising to completely kick my peanut butter habit thought) ;)
• I should get up now and go for a run. But I am feeling a bit lazy this morning. I might just lie here and drink coffee for a while...

Spec Savers FTW!!!

Argh so Quinn's specs are broken again... *sigh* The first pair lasted over a year. This pair just 4 months!

I guess it's to be expected what with being boys in a boys school where rough housing is the order of the day. But I was none too impressed anyway. I told Quinn straight that I was not interested in getting him delicate minimalist frames again. Especially since all the optometrist staff have advised against it anyway (but he always insists that those are the ONLY ones he likes). Anyway the specs broke last Thurs - just before I was due to go away for the week-end, so there was not much I could do about it other than patch them, which I did. I managed to glue them together and they seemed fine. I told Quinn to be gentle with them. Life acrried on and I mostly forgot about it. Until Tuesday afternoon when I collected him from aftercare to find the specs completely broken. Apparently this was caused by a 3 way wrestling match at aftercare. GREAT way to be careful with your specs dude! *roll eyes*

So our evening plans were shelved and a speedy trip to Spec Savers ensued, where Quinn agreed with me that he should get some more practical frames. He tried on a few and settled on one pair which both he and I thought were best. They are quite nice actually. Off we marched to get the order in waiting for the pain when the quote came. Total cost? FREE! Even though it's a repeat order for the lenses Spec Savers will make them up free, and those frames are the free option too. Score!

Don't you just love it when something good happens, unexpectedly? :)

Thank-you Spec Savers. You rock!

Catch-up - Concert, Racing & Running

I'z been busy!

Last week we attended Griffin's school concert, where he was an elephant in a production of Pinocchio. Quinn and I had such a chuckle while watching that! It was adorable and rather hilarious (a lot of it unintentional - bless!).


Then on Thursday I was on our Go Karting team for a work inter-department champs event. We have some hard-core competitive and athletic guys here at work, so despite me driving my heart out, there was just no competing with those guys and I was not featured in the final. *sulk* I got the 2nd and 3rd fastest lap times out of the ladies though, so I really wasn't too bad. It is flippen fun. I am definitely doing that again. Totally brings out my competitive side. ;) Afterwards Quinn told me I was driving my car like a Go Kart. TeeHee.

Then on Friday I was off work, and after making plans for the boys and dog to stay at friends for the week-end, C and I hit the road for a week-end away.

We were off to De Rust to do the Meiringspoort Half Marathon. I really should have spent more time training and preparing, but well my excuse is that my life has been a bit chaotic in the past few months, not leaving much time to really focus...

Anyway, the drive there was stunning. Beautiful varied countryside with natural beauty all around. The Tradouw Pass between Suurbrak and Barrydale is spectacular. We had a good look around Barrydale - which is a lovely little town, with great character and a very distinctive style. We also stopped briefly at the 'world famous Ronnie's sex Shop' on Route 62. It's good for a laugh.

We finally arrived at our destination De Rust in the late afternoon. After popping through to the local NG Kerk and checking out the festive 'bazaar' and registering and getting our race numbers we continued on to our guest house, on a farm a few km outside the town. The chosen guesthouse has the unattractive name of 'Die Gat', but what it lacks in name it totally makes up for in appearance. It is magnificent. A truly tranquil, lush and serene oasis. The attention to detail is almost overwhelming it is so thorough.

After checking in and settling ourselves into our really cute room 'Klaskamer 1'. We went back into town to stroll around, make some purchases at the 'kerk bazaar'. Then we sauntered up the road to a newly opened back-packer's lodge with a lovely relaxed pub and restaurant out back - where we had one of the best pizzas I have ever had and some very reasonably priced drinks. This was followed by several free games of pool. (Yes, I lost as usual, but made a few decent shots - much to my surprise.)

Since we had an early start to prepare for the next day we headed back to our lodgings and off to bed at a reasonable hour and were asleep by 22:30 I think. Surprisingly for me, I managed the 5am wake-up call without too much hassle and we were in the town and ready for the race by 5:45. Where we climbed onto the designated ostrich trucks for our long trek up the Meiringspoort pass to the start of the race. (It's an end to end, rather than standard circular route race.) The truck journey was exciting for a few hundred meters, until we all realised we were freezing! So we all crouched down trying to get warmth by huddling/cuddling. The journey seemed endless, and I was painfully aware the we had to run ALL the way back, it really seemed that the truck was driving at least 50km... and not 'just' 21.1km. I was getting rather worried actually. Thinking that I REALLY should have opted for the 10km race instead. Finally we did arrive, and had to coax our now locked-in-crouch-position legs to unfurl and start moving. Not an easy feat at all.

At the rest stop where we were dropped off a small contingent of De Rust NG Kerk tannies were serving free coffee and rusks to the runners. I had not expected to be keen on it at all, but after the cold and stiffness it was very gratefully accepted and I thoroughly enjoyed my polystyrene 'koppie koffie en beskuit' while huddled with everyone against the side of the little stone building trying to escape the chilly wind. We were so focused on warming up, and discussing strategies to dress better next year etc that I totally wasn't focused on the marathon (ok HALF marathon) task looming ahead.

With probably 10 minutes to spare it dawned on me that we'd best get ourselves ready! So I sorted out my iPOD, did a bundu bash to find a suitable location to pee, and did a quick bit of stretching. My feet and hands were totally numb from cold at this point. I bid C farewell, knowing I wouldn't see him again before the end. Him being a seasoned half-marathoner and attempting a PB on this run. And we were off!

It took a good 2-3 km before I could actually feel my feet properly - they were that numb, and I ran with a long sleeve old shirt over my running gear for the first 10km. It was pretty chilly, so I really should have dressed better. But apart from that and being a bit less fit than when I did the Safari Half (which was my first half-marathon) I felt ok. Not super strong but ok.

Until I got to about 10km and started having niggly stomach cramps. Just enough to slow me down and trouble me. It was annoying because my legs and joints felt fine, and even my lungs were coping. The route is really stunning and the gentle descent almost the whole way should make for a fast and relatively easy run. I should have been able to really go for it!

Unfortunately it wasn't my day. I had to stop and walk a few times, and kept having to re-motivate myself mentally, because I started wanting to give up. Even the energy gel I had taken along, in the hopes that it would give me a bit of extra energy and oomph, didn't help and just added to my discomfort by making me feel quite nauseous.

Eventually I decided to just jog down at MY pace, because well that's all I could do I guess. Also, because the views en route were so lovely I focused on those and just enjoying where I was. I mean just look at how beautiful it is! So I forgot about trying to be fast and just plodded onwards in the hopes that the end would come before I died. :)

De Rust - Meiringspoort

Soaring cliff walls with spectacular rock formations line the 25 km tarred road which winds along the floor of the gorge, crossing the Groot River 25 times. Entry to the poort is via Klaarstroom, 55 kms east of Price Albert en route to Oudtshoorn and the coast. Hardy plants, including indigenous pelargoniums, cling to the precarious rockfaces while birds, baboons and smaller fauna abound in the projected kloofs and crevices. Among the most scenic spots is the waterfall tumbling into the dark pool which, legend has it, is bottomless.

Meiringspoort has been flooded several times in its 140-year history - 1885, 1968 and 1996 were devastating - and so the idea for building a high road over the mountains was born. The Swartberg pass was opened in 1888. A drive through this famous poort, the inspiration for generations of South African painters and poets, a traveller is enchanted by scenery with a kaleidoscope of ever-changing colours, depending on the light and time of day. It attracts the plant lover, bird watcher, geologist, photographer, hiker or biker and even the lazy driver who goes there to be part of its beauty.

About 2km before the end at the last water point I was really suffering. I decided to take a last glug of coke. I kidded with a cute little coloured girl on the side of the road that she could finish for me. She didn't take the bait though. I started running again and as I passed a man who also seemed to be giving up I muttered under my breath 'Ok let's finish this damned thing'. The last 2km is quite steeply up hill (after almost 19km of gentle downhill) and it hits hard. I was determined to finish at this point though, and even though it felt like I was running on the spot I made myself keep running, as we snaked through the roads of the town on the last 1 block and steepest uphill C was waiting and chatting on the corner. As I passed him I yelled out 'OMG call the paramedics!', then turned the corner very grateful that it was only 1 more block and a steep downhill at that. I took off and flew down that last block passing a few people, and finally I was finished! YAY! I again couldn't find the damn timing clock but it was confirmed that I finished at just on 2 hours - so 4 mins slower than my Safari time. Oh well. All things considered I am happy with that time.

C finished in an impressive 1:39! It really is a wonderful race. The whole town gets involved and the bazaar was in full swing at the end. We feasted on curry & rice & pancakes and a couple of drinks etc while listening to lekker boere musiek. LOL.

The rest of the day we strolled around the town, popped in at the pub for lunch, drinks and some rugby and then relaxed on the farm, explored a bit, and read. Sunday breakfast was spectacular and really delicious. And then it was time for the long but scenic drive home. This time we stopped on the Tradouw Pass where we had a lovely little picnic lunch.

It was a really awesome week-end. It's a lovely race, and although it is really far away it is well worth the trip. I'm definitely planning to go back next year. This time I'll prepare properley and try to get a better time too.

The official results are out already They are HERE:

• Winner: 1 F Maans M 27 Adidas 01:07:11
• 1st Female: 24 L Bright F 27 Elite 01:21:35
• C: 150 C Lane M 43 Harfield 01:39:53
• me: 456 J Weideman F 35 Temp 02:01:07

Total of 905 finishers

I want to let go and know that I'll be alright

I like this song. (Anonymous, psycho-analyse away! :P )

Car Crash - Matt Nathanson

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
Not some place I fell
Cause I keep falling down

I want to feel the car crash
I want to feel it capsize
I want to feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'till I'm satisfied

I want to feel the car crash
'cause I'm dying on the inside
I want to let go and know that I'll be alright, alright

Just push me till I have to fly
I've shed my skins, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I want to feel the car crash
I want to feel it capsize
I want to feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'till I'm satisfied

I want to feel the car crash
'cause I'm dying on the inside
I want to let go and know that I'll be alright, alright

It's all right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I want to feel the car crash
I want to feel it capsize
I want to feel the bomb drop, the earth stop 'till I'm satisfied

I want to feel the car crash
'cause I'm dying on the inside
I want to let go and know that I'll be alright, alright

'cause I'm open wide
So wide
So wide

Rocking the Daisies (4th time)

We went to Rocking the Daisies for the week-end and had a total ball - as always.

I LOVED:
Gang of Instrumentals
aKING
Goldfish (OMG they totally ROCKED!)
Freshly Ground
Just Jinger &
Prime Circle

The other featured bands were background music (for us) and we didn't really watch/listen to them specifically. Roxy went with us (even though pets were actually NOT allowed) and she was perfectly behaved. Stayed with us. Slept in our kitchen tent without making any mess or fuss, and attracted positive attention from everyone - which she loves. In fact no one had an issue with her at all. We were told quite a few times how well trained she is. :)



Quinn found a full sealed beer and pack of cigarettes on the way back to the main music area after dinner on Saturday night. He asked me if he could sell them. I said he could try, and sort of shrugged it off. 10 mins later he came back with R20. I said, 'Dude you were ripped off.' And he said, 'It was the highest offer I got, and anyway I FOUND them, and what was I going to do with them?' Fair enough.

Turns out he walked up to someone queuing at the bar and said, 'I'll sell you a beer for R20', the guy said, 'R5', Quinn said, 'R10', the guy said 'Ok', then Quinn said, 'For R20 you can have these cigarettes too' and the deal was done. Apparently the guy laughed and said he was going to do well at varsity one day.



It is such a cool festival and we really enjoy it lots!

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

When I said 'I don't suffer fools and liars gladly', I actually meant it.

So it's now...
While it seemed like something which could have been really good. I am just not prepared to settle or make excuses for people any more. No thanks. So sorrie for you but...

If you conceive it, you can achieve it

I've got this song in my head after thinking of it and posting it as a response to Sally's blog post about a letter to the universe....

I love it, even after all these years.

Brand New Heavies - You Are The Universe

You're the future, and you've come for what is yours
The hidden treasure, locked behind the hidden doors
And the promise of a day that's shiny new
Only a dreamer, could afford this point of view
But you're a driver, not a passenger in life
And if you're ready, you won't have to try 'cause

You are the Universe
And there ain't nothin' you can't do
If you conceive it, you can achieve it
That's why, I believe in you, yes I do

You're a winner, so do what you came here for
The secret weapon, isn't secret anymore
You're a driver, never passenger in life
And when you're ready, you won't have to try 'cause

You are the Universe
And there ain't nothin' you can't do
If you conceive it, you can achieve it
That's why, I believe in you, yes I do

You are the Universe
And there ain't nothin' you can't be
If you conceive it, you can achieve it
That's why, I believe in you, and I believe in me

(Yes I do
Believe in you
I do)

You're a driver, not a passenger in life
And when you're ready, you won't have to try 'cause

You are the Universe!

I have the thirst...

I drink because I'm thirsty. ~ Shane MacGowan


“Whether the glass is seen as half full or as half empty depends entirely on how thirsty the viewer is”

She makes 90 look good!

My gran (technically step-gran - my gran died when I was 6 and my grandfather remarried) turned 90 last week.

She is incredible. She does everything independently and can still drive - but seldom does now. In fact she is rather embarrassed to be toting a walking stick recently. Since she doesn't even really need it. It is for 'just in case' as she has an ear fluid condition that makes her become a little unbalance sometimes. Otherwise she is fully functional.

On Thursday night we went for dinner from 18:00 - 22:00. She chats along with everyone else and is up to date with pretty much everything. Her short and long term memory is pretty much impeccable. She hears and sees fine she doesn't even need specs!! In fact I suspect her hearing is better than mine - I feel quite deaf sometimes. She had a meal, wine, coffee and dessert like everyone else and was full of beans.

On Friday morning my dad & step mom, sister & her hubby (all 4 down from Pretoria), as well as my Uncle (out from England) joined myself and my boys and we took Granny Betty on road trip to Robertson up the N1 for the day. It's a 3 hour journey each way. It's where she and her peers and my step-mom's family used to spend their summers.

We drove through the Du Toit's Kloof tunnel and had coffee at the Trout Farm at the other side and then drove on to Rosendal wine farm between Robertson & Ashton. On arrival we had a brief stroll to check the place out, followed by a long leisurely and totally over-indulgent 3-course lunch.


It was a long drive back and we got home close to 7pm. I was almost asleep on my feet by the end. Granny Betty seemed just fine!

We made plans to join the gang for breakfast at Kirstenbosch on Saturday morning. Granny Betty was there bright as a button and ready for action as usual. After breakfast we went for a walk in the gardens and most of the time she was ahead of me and I kept having to play catch-up!


She is truly remarkable! She takes everything in her stride, fits into any situation and nothing fazes her. She is sharp, bright and witty and a pleasure to be around.

I am so impressed.

HAPPY 90TH GRANNY BETTY!!!

Optional extras

I read a quote this week which really struck me. It was posted by Cath on FB, it went something like "Don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are just an option in theirs", I think this is something I do. If someone is important to me, I juggle, arrange, plan, coordinate, think, love and care, and well, end up fitting my life around theirs. It seems to just happen naturally and it seems right, at first. Until I realise that I am the one compromising, changing my plans and expectations and being available for THEM all the time, yet they seem to be able to decide to come and go, see other people, do their own thing and well live their lives for themselves.

I am not sure how both can do this, and whether both should be like that. But I get the distinct impression I am just an option, and yet my life ends up being prioritised according to their desires.

But that leads to dissappointments, unfullfilment, and sometimes finding out that you really do seem to be just an option for them. So what does that mean?

Does this mean you are not enough?? I really don't know. But this is how it makes me feel, and with enough disappointment, and realisation that the field is being played...

You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. - Veronica Shoffstal

I seem to be an all or nothing person. I don't like this options thing. I actually don't know how to deal with it.

So I back away, close myself off and feel less giving and trusting. It is a defense mechanism.

So how do/should you deal with this?

How do you navigate this path of being with someone but not prioritise them, still live your own life, still have your own options. And care but not too much. How can you plan and build on more than today in that kind of scenario? And I am not even talking about long term plans, I am talking things like a trip in a few months, concert tickets etc etc. How do you know where you stand!??

Because honestly I don't know.