Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Hang my Head - Drown my Fear

First I had a bit of an emotional break-down at the magistrates court, and then I had a 10km race in the evening, where I had again (stupidly) challenged a whole bunch of people to a 'beer-challenge'.

At the 5km mark I was about to keel over and die, or vomit, or something and so for the first time ever I just gave up. I could not breathe. It felt like I only had half lungs. I felt like I was going to just break-down. So I walked back to the start crying and just trying to get a decent breath in.

I so wish I was enough of a priority in someone's life that they would just wrap their arms around me and tell me I am going to be ok - even if they are just saying that.

At least I got a chance to talk shit and have a few drinks, and even came near to winning a game of pool, so I feel a lot better now. But I don't think I have ever got as close to feeling so physically panicked and defeated.

I can't go on like this.

Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun

In my eyes
In disguise
As no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
The sun
In my disgrace
Boiling heat
Summer stench
neath the black
The sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you
Scream again

Black hole sun
Wont you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Wont you come
Wont you come

Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings
Like you

Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just


  1. Jane, the sentence you are least likely to want to hear is that God loves you and that is such a win cos honestly you can;t get better. For reliability, stength and power, dedication and faithfulness, uprightness and honest, kindness and care, 24 hours on call. He is the one.

    We love you too Jane - but we are too puney to be much help.

    You don;t even have to believe, you are allowed to cry out to him in unbelief.

    Big hugs and strongs and i pray that there will be a few more random nicenesses in your corridors.


  2. Everyone deserves someone. (((hugs)))

  3. Ek ken nie die woorde nie, maar ek dink aan jou.

  4. HUGE (((HUGS))) thinking of you, hope you find that someone soon

  5. Hate hearing you like this, hope you ok.