Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Optional extras

I read a quote this week which really struck me. It was posted by Cath on FB, it went something like "Don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are just an option in theirs", I think this is something I do. If someone is important to me, I juggle, arrange, plan, coordinate, think, love and care, and well, end up fitting my life around theirs. It seems to just happen naturally and it seems right, at first. Until I realise that I am the one compromising, changing my plans and expectations and being available for THEM all the time, yet they seem to be able to decide to come and go, see other people, do their own thing and well live their lives for themselves.

I am not sure how both can do this, and whether both should be like that. But I get the distinct impression I am just an option, and yet my life ends up being prioritised according to their desires.

But that leads to dissappointments, unfullfilment, and sometimes finding out that you really do seem to be just an option for them. So what does that mean?

Does this mean you are not enough?? I really don't know. But this is how it makes me feel, and with enough disappointment, and realisation that the field is being played...

You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. - Veronica Shoffstal

I seem to be an all or nothing person. I don't like this options thing. I actually don't know how to deal with it.

So I back away, close myself off and feel less giving and trusting. It is a defense mechanism.

So how do/should you deal with this?

How do you navigate this path of being with someone but not prioritise them, still live your own life, still have your own options. And care but not too much. How can you plan and build on more than today in that kind of scenario? And I am not even talking about long term plans, I am talking things like a trip in a few months, concert tickets etc etc. How do you know where you stand!??

Because honestly I don't know.


  1. Its difficult to balance everything but I know this. What you give you should get back in return. I'm not talking materialist things, I mean emotionally. If you don't, get out. Its got to be a two way street and each needs their own space and own interests. If you hold on too tight and give give give, you become resentful eventually. You need to be happy with the balance you've created in your world. Once you're happy with the equalibrium then contentment kicks on. Just my two cents worth.

  2. Oh baby..... I am not good with being an option either.... I'm all of nothing either... I also compromise myself to appease which in the end leads to resentment... while other times because I feel 'cheated' emotionally I demand what *I* want causing kak... life is not for sussies hey? I don't know the answers.... I do think like Gillian says that there needs to be a balance.

  3. I could have written this - in fact I think I have :)

    I dont have the answer my friend! Plane Boy and I are back on again BUT this time I am not compromising as much as I did the first time round. He has now realised that HE has to also shuffle things and try fit in with me! Its still very early days but so far its going alot better!

    I also loose myself in someone and am consciously now trying to NOT do that without stopping being who I am naturally!

  4. its very hard to maintain something that is not instinctive.

    my ex told me to be less black and white - to allow more grey. i tried. but it was too exhausting.

    it's a dilemma for many of us....


  5. OPTION 1) Start with the premise that life is KAK. Everything else is a bonus. Whether that bonus is an 'option', a 'black' or a 'white, or indeed a 'grey', they're ALL bonuses. And they're ALL exciting.

    OPTION 2) You can be black and white today, all or nothing on Thursday, and grey tomorrow. Don't make hard and fast RULES around these things.

    OPTION 3) Gillian has a very good point, but i disagree - slightly - with expectation. Expect NOTHING. Accept everything. Look up Anthony Hopkins' "expect nothing" quote... its quite cool how he arrived at it.

    OPTION 4) What you nurture will grow. eg If you nurture MacDonalds, you will grow a big tummy. What you don't nurture will atrophy. You get to choose.

    OPTION 5) Nobody does anything to you. You get to choose your perspective. Nurture a good / postive perspective.

    OPTION 6) People do things, any things, everything, for two reasons ONLY. a) They need to [eg pay rent], and/or b) it makes them feel better. That's it.

    OPSOMMING: Do the things that make you feel better. That covers black, white, grey, and all or nothing. You got to practise it tho. Its not as easy as it sounds. See option 1) If you miss the goal, it adds to the excitement, the adventure. Knowing what you don't want helps point you in the direction of what you do want. Roll the boulder down hill. Much easier than rolling it uphill...

  6. I'm with the last commenter on #3 (unrealistic expectations result in disappointment), #5 (you create your own situations) and #6 (people only do things because they want to). Once you have those and a good dose of 'fuck it' attitude you're made :)

  7. Its a very difficult line not to cross because its very easy to do...