Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Breaks My Heart

Quinn and his dad do not get along very well. This year has been very very very difficult for us all, but in particular for the boys, because they have had no control over any of what happened and it has not been at all a pleasant experience for them. They have seen and heard things they shouldn't have and their little hearts have been hurt a lot.

Griffin has been openly sad, upset and even difficult. Quinn has sucked it all up and been 'fine'. He has taken on the role as the 'man of the house' and is helpful and mature far beyond his years. It is not fair to him at all.

I have had to remind myself that he has only been 8 years old, and to give him leeway to be rude and silly and playful at times, but I have needed him to help me too. I think we have mostly got a good balance with this. It has also been hard for him to see me socialising with new people and I know this has unsettled them at times.

The unconditional love, support, fun and understanding the boys have shown me has been incredible, beyond their years and extremely appreciated and valued by me. I am not sure how I would have done it without them. Really.

Much as I had hoped my separation and subsequent divorce could have been amicable, or at least as civil as possible, it turned out to be really really really difficult, and everyone was hurt in the process. It was very acrimonious and trying on us all. There have been no winners. Divorce is never pleasant.

But what's done is done and can't be undone and so the boys and I have moved forward and established ourselves in our new family dynamic and routine and accepted it as our new reality. We are functional and we are happy.

The boys miss and love their dad. Of course. Griffin would dearly like to see us all back together as a family, and it is actually his Christmas wish. I think he blames me for breaking up the family and I am pretty sure in his mind I am the reason why his dad is 'sad' now. He is quite adamant that this is what he wants even if he agrees that things are calmer and happier as they are now, he STILL wants to see our family reunited. He just can't reconcile it fully. His play therapist has been helping him to come to terms with it though.

Quinn has been quite actively rejected by his dad at times in the past few months, as his dad battles to deal with himself, and as such sees Quinn as a 'mini-him' (my interpretation). The 2 of them clash and battle to see eye to eye and do not have a very bonded or emotional connection at all. It really breaks my heart, it always has, but more so now. Especially when I see the hurt it is causing my boy and when I think of the potential for massive damage and heartache down the line...

And yet when we were in the shops last night, and I told the boys they must tell me if they want to buy their dad a Christmas present, Quinn said he wanted to give Daddy all the money in his bank account, and that that might make him happy.

I just wish he would realise how very very special his children are and start being a good dad to them so that they can all have the good relationship they should. He needs to sort himself out and step up as the adult and realise that sometimes they are reacting to the situation with him, and not being their true selves. He needs to work at his relationship with them and win their trust, love, respect and cooperation. It is not their responsibility to do this.

My Christmas Wish is that my children will come out of this ok and have a good relationship with both me and their dad.


  1. Oh Jane! I TOTALLY get this!! I think you have a bit harder in that R is so vocal about his dislike for his son and that infuriates me beyond belief!!

    They will be ok! We strong moms -w e will make sure they are ok :)

  2. I am so sorry that you and the boys have to go through this. Divorce is horrible - for everybody.

  3. Oh I feel for the boys. I truly hope that they come to understand that divorce was the only option. As for heart breaks for your son. It is not fair of Richard to hurt Quinn even more. Lots and lots of hugs to both your boys and obviously to you too

  4. Divorce is not fucking fanTy. Not for anyone. I'm glad you doing okay.

  5. Divorce is hard on everyone in the family. Your boyz will be fine as long as they have you. My heart goes out to them tho.

  6. Hi Jane, I'm sorry to hear all about this, but in a way, I am learning a lot from your experience. We've chatted before and you know very well I have a daughter and one of the things I try not to do whenever I'm upset with her is show/shout in front of her because I believe that results into disliking each other more. We all love our children, there is no question about that, but how we express it is another matter that greatly affects how a child grows up and shapes his/her views in life.