The boys and I had a little party after dinner to 'celebrate' and remember her. We each had a candle to blow out and took a moment to say something meaningful to each other.
In case you don't know her story is HERE
This year was the most difficult anniversary for me. I usually have something good and positive and hopeful to focus on. This year I didn't, there doesn't seem to be any positive spin on it.
Even last year, when things were at a very low point, we went up the mountain together and I was led to believe it would all be ok, and that I was ok, and it was all meant to be etc.
The whole foundation of belief and meaning I had built around it has been shattered. It was not real. Or not in the way I believed it to be anyway.
It was just a shit thing to happen. Which hurt like hell and still does.
I have also realised just recently that I have no soft place to land anywhere. I have always thought I was strong because I just was, I now realise it's because I HAVE to be. It's hard to explain. But part of me wants to be able to be weak, scared, fallible and vulnerable. Just for that to be an option sometimes...
Oh gosh Jane! I had no idea! What a heart breaking thing to go through!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful idea to celebrate though!
And your last paragraph - I get that! I have felt it! Three years down the line (post divorce) and for the first time I am feeling all those things ((hugs))
A soft place to land - yes, too many of us lack that.
ReplyDeleteIts not always fun to be strong and to run with wolves. Sometimes we want the option, even if just an option, of a soft place.
I hear you.
I can't believe it's been another year. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteyou are handling everything better than I probably would.
ReplyDeleteThanks all. I really appreciate your continuous support and encouragement. It helps to keep me going. :)
ReplyDeleteI have read Angelique's story before, but I cried again today reading it. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteWe all want that soft place to fall.
It is such a tragic story and unfortunately all too familiar for many of our mothers at Bosom Buddies. I think it is very special how you celebrate her birthday with her brothers. Sorry you have to do this alone, the worst part of being a single parent is the extreme lows and the extreme highs and not being able to share them. Love. x
ReplyDeleteoh Jane I never knew!!! My heart is aching and my tears are flowing for you my friend. :( :(
ReplyDelete