Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

DONE crying

After weeks and weeks of being 100% nice, patient and gentle with my ex in the hopes that some kind of functional relationship could be forged with him I have been rejected 100%. And basically told to fuck off, for good.

He has told me that if he could erase his memory (like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) he would.

He drove off when I wanted to talk to him when I collected the boys on Sunday, he probably would have driven over me if I didn't move. Then I tried phoning to let him know that I just care about him and want to make sure he ok (he is living in a caravan now, and seems to have quit his job...), but he put the phone down on me (so I left it) and then later that evening I got this...

All you are to me is pain.
Unwanted pain.

The sight of you, the sound of your voice, memories and thoughts, and the intrusion of you into my restless sleep. I want no part of it. No memory. No photographs. Nothing.

There will be no coffee chats, or outings, no shared visit to the tree.

If Lacuna Inc. were real, I would make an appointment and have everything erased. Every memory, every moment, every chance of recollection. Unlike the movie, I would not plant any back door.

I do not want to see you, or speak to you, or talk to you on the phone.

If you drive past me in your car, drive past me.
If you walk past me, walk past me.
If we need to be in the same space at the same time, I will not be hostile towards you - we are simply strangers with no relationship.

You said you care about me.
If you care about me, please respect my wishes and leave me alone.
Start now, right here.

Do not reply to this email, or call, or initiate a discussion, or try to work anything out, or explain, or offer to listen.
Simply walk away, move forward and leave me alone.

Please understand then that I want nothing to do with you.
Today, tomorrow, or ever.

Whatever was, is now gone, existing only in the sense of hurt and loss and void and pain.
I no longer want any part of that pain.
Please leave me alone.

The wedding suit is goodbye to us.

He also sent his wedding suit back with the boys on Sunday evening.

I cried and cried and cried. I never never never wanted it to come to this.

But I am done now. I can not and will not be affected by him any more. I can not feel guilty, responsible or accountable for him any more, and I can not feel not ENOUGH for him any more.

I have to let him and everything about him go now. I can't hold onto the happy memories and photos I have and keep believing that he is a GOOD person and that I was not wrong to believe in him and us. It doesn't matter any more. I can not care any more. I don't want to be reminded any more.

So without an ounce of malice, just in the interest of closing a chapter of my life which is clearly un-salvageable, I have actively moved ON now. **

I realised I had kept my house largely unchanged as I didn't want to rub it in and make it look like 'SEE HOW I HAVE MOVED ON??', esp before it is transferred into my name and while he may still want stuff. And I was being compelled to keep all the emotionally charged things he keeps bestowing on me with big dramatic gestures (as is his style). Like his wedding ring tied with a ribbon, books, photos and now the wedding suit all neatly packaged etc.

But you know, now that I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not wanted, and not to contact him at all ever, I think I am released and free to do as I please with no apology or explanation.

My domestic worker now has the ring, the expensive custom-made suit and a pile of photos in frames. I told her she is free to do whatever she chooses with the stuff, just to take it away. While burning it all would have been symbolic - and I'll admit the thought did cross my mind while I was feeling hurt and angry - but I am not malicious or wasteful and didn't want to do anything compulsive. So instead I gave it freely. I need to be released from it - but someone else can benefit from it and possibly derive joy & happiness from it.

I actually feel relieved to be rid of it all now.

I have rearranged some things and have moved the computer into the lounge where the boys and I can play and watch DVDs together etc. The spare room looks better too. His mail, which I try to give him every time he arrives to collect the kids, but he zooms off before I get a chance to approach the car, is now thrown away. It's been nearly a year. He can change his mailing address if he wants his mail. I will no longer take responsibility for it.

** I am unsure how
how to handle the visitation thing with the boys now. The reason I have been trying so hard with him is because the play therapist keeps impressing on me how important it is that I have a good channel of communication with him and consistency and a good visitation schedule etc etc. And also because I really and truly wanted to preserve some of the good stuff.... I can deal with writing off my side, but the kids make it so much more complicated.


Last night I also did something I haven't taken the time to do for AGES. I made the boys a fun dinner.

BTW my J-boarding is also coming along nicely, I can turn now and propel myself better. Yesterday Griffin exclaimed 'Hey you haven't fallen for ages!', but then a short while later when I asked 'How many other moms can J-board huh?' I was told by Quinn, 'None, but that's cos Moms aren't supposed to J-board'. Sigh. So I guess far from hip & cool mom I am aiming for, I am turning into the cringe-worthy 'OMG my mom is SO embarrassing!' mom.

Q later relented and said 'Ja, you are actually quite good'. Smile


  1. There is so much that one can write here.... Firstly, take your release and run with it... you are no longer held captive... changing things in a home you shared is scary but also liberating... this man is clearly not well if he cannot recognignize anything good that happened betweeen you.
    Am thinking of you.

    How are things going with J?

  2. Holy freaking cow! What an utter chop your ex is! I have no wise words except to say “good for you girl” move forward and let go. Close the chapter and start the next one.
    People come into our lives for a “reason, season or lifetime”. Only time will tell you what the reason and season was for your paths to cross. However he’s not in your life for a lifetime. He’s made that abundantly clear.
    You have two terrific boys who are the luckiest kids in the world to have a mom like you! (okay…equally as lucky as my kids who have a cool mom like me!)

  3. You have done the right thing.

  4. I was totally gobsmacked reading this.

    Move on and move all his stuff out! You're on the right track.

    It can't be easy staying strong while reading such a harsh note.

    Now you can really close the door.

  5. I felt your pain in this post! It was a pain I felt too!

    But it is also a good pain. Its liberating. In letting go you free yourself from all the negativity, the guilt and the heartache!

    My take on visitation - leave it! He knows his rights, he knows his role - its HIS choice now to use it or not!

    Your role is simple - provide a safe, SECURE environment for your boys!

  6. I love your fun dinners. I hope you will make a fun dinner for me one day! ha ha ha ha.
    Kudo's to you Jane!

  7. Oh Jane ...what can I say ...I've been following your posts and I cannot believe that it's truly come to this. This is just so sad! You've been remarkable through out and truly don't deserve it! I'm sure the pain is indescribable in reality but I could feel the anguish in today's post. I agree with Laura re: visitation.Although you're trying to do everything "right" for the boys sake and one would expect "adults" to be mature and put their own feelings aside I just cannot get over and excuse what R has done and it's just so so so sad! I wish it were different for you. You are a fantstic mom and the boys will come out stronger for it. I'm sure it must be difficult for you but I reckon you can't anymore and have done the right thing with "DONE crying", changing things around, getting rid of memories and moving on! You deserve to be happy and 'free'!

  8. March 2009 at 18:29

    Wow Jane for someone who is try to tell you he doesn't want to talk to you he sure was rattling on.

    But there you go. You have been given back the keys to your home, your heart and your life.

    It sounds like this is a call for detachment - which will mean that you can interact with him without any emotional sense of guilt.

    I think in a bizarre and sadistic way he actually gave you your freedom. It hurts like hell, because of the children. But he is giving you the chance to be whole - not broken.

    Breathe deep and feel blessed

  9. Holy hell Jane... I am so sorry, I do hope you will start feeling like 100% yourself soon. Is he at least okay towards the boys when he's so mean to you?