Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Innocence Lost

I have lost some of my sense of security.

I have always been a happy-go-lucky non-paranoid person. I'd leave doors open all the time, forget to lock them, and have even gone to sleep with our front door open and sometimes our front gate unlocked. But after waking up in September with 2 people INSIDE my house stealing stuff, and also getting the local community crime update emails several times a week where I hear of break-ins during the day and night, hi-jackings, and now a few people being shot and killed literally streets away from me. That has all changed. I just don't feel very safe any more. :(

I can no longer seem to relax and I can't go to sleep. I pretty much never go to sleep before 12am. I stay awake and keep lights and sounds buzzing around me and when I do turn of the lights and settle down, I lie awake listening for sounds and often get up to walk around the house to check is anything is amiss. I make sure my cell phone is next to my bed now, and I have a stick nearby too.

The dog sleeps outside, in the hopes that she will bark and alert me if anyone is ever out there. When I was here alone without the boys last week, I locked my bedroom door.

This is not me. I HATE IT.

I hate feeling vulnerable. But I do.


  1. What happened to the axe next to your bed?

  2. A stick? Now this is when it's so handy being a clapper, we think fear is from the devil to debilitate us and keep us from being effective or free. It's a bondage of sorts and we pray like crazy against the fear and for peace and all anxiety to cease. Now I really do respect your non-clapping status so my other solution... why not get a gun and learn to shoot it? Might make you feel empowered and less afraid? Obviously your boys are a concern but you could get a safe?
    Or a big aggro boyfriend?
    See how handy it is being a Lordy lass!

  3. L: I got rid of him remember!? ;) Oh you said AXE, I read that as ASS :P Oh yeah I should get the axe out. The stick is pretty pointless but it seems slightly more sensible than walking around literally bare handed.

    Mel, a gun? For reals! Are you KIDDING me?!? The solution to the crime and fear is not to put MORE guns into the equation. For what it is worth, I do know how to handle and use a couple of fire arms but would never ever want to own one in an urban setting (they do make sense as part of life on a farm though). And besides what is a gun in a safe going to do for me anyway?

    And you do know that bad things happen to even 'lordy folks' right?

    I do think having someone else in the house give someone a (false) sense of security. But my reality is that I live alone right now, just me and the boys.

    I don't like admitting weakness or vulnerability, but it is how I feel right now. And acknowledging it is part of dealing with it.

    I still sit with my door open in the day time and evening. I guess it's just that time old 'fear of what goes bump in the dark' that's playing on me.

  4. Jane, i hear noises too. Not so much in this house where i live but when we go away. I also have 2 boys and wonder who I would run to first.

    I think we have a lot more instinct and adrenaline than we give ourselves credit for. No more vulnerable than an ASS or an AXE.

  5. I agree. I hate being vulnerable ESPECIALLY in my very own home

  6. What about a patrol unit like BBR or something? I know alot of them offer services like assisting you if you come home late at night by yourslef etc.
    mmmh, and if i were you, i would keep the dog indoors. The intruders could poison him before they come in, at least if he is indoors, he will bark before they can get to him. Just a thought, not meaning to make you even more afraid, but its happened in my neighbourhood too. I guess we always look for tips.