I am really trying to understand how a person who you spent more than 12 years with - more than 10 of those married - and had 3 children with, can end up being so very different to what you thought you knew?I mean, apart from my father, this has been the most significant person in my life so far. I have shared EVERYTHING about myself with him. He knows me inside and out and has seen me at my very best and very worst. He FATHERED my children. He was there when they were born! I shared almost every thought I had with him... too much maybe.
How can I just erase all of that past, all of those memories, everything we had and shared?
Perhaps I need to just let this all go completely, move on and never look back? But somehow I can't I keep searching for a resolution. I seem to want and need closure of some kind now.
This limbo state, of him sort of being around, sort of seeing the kids, but not really. Never seeing or talking to me, treating me like a leper. I don't cope well with that. I don't like being completely powerless, cut off, rejected. In fact this is what affected me most in my marriage. Emotional alienation and stonewalling really freaks me out. I really can't deal with it well at all. I feel completely rattled and unsettled by it and it makes me dressed and hopeless. It makes me feel worthless and unlovable.Was it even real!? Was he real at all, or was it all just an elaborate charade, pretending to be normal, happy and functional. WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG? and WHY? I still don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.
Will I ever be able to be that open with anyone again? Will I trust and hope and feel safe? I am not sure I can any more. I am not innocent or naive any more. I am guarded. I question, I look for faults, I doubt, I sabotage. I cry.
I need to get my trust back. My hope, my positive fighting spirit. I need to get out of this slump. I need to believe in someone again. To know them, and feel safe letting them really know me.
Coldplay - See You Soon
So you lost your trust,
And you never should have,
you never should have,
But don't break your back,
If you ever see this,
Don't answer that.
In a bullet proof vest,
With the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best,
I'll see you soon,
In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon.
So they came for you,
They came snapping at your heels,
They come snapping at you heels,
But don't break your back,
If you ever see this, Don't answer that.
In a bullet proof vest,
With the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best,
I'll see you soon,
In a telescope lens,
And when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon, I'll see you soon.
and oh you lost your trust,
and oh you lost your trust,
and oh Don't lose your trust,
and oh you lost your trust.
"To know them, and feel safe letting them really know me."
ReplyDeleteI hear you... a million times over..... After a trauma like divorce it is difficult to let anyone in anywhere near enough for them to get to know you. You want to keep everyone at a distance because if you let them into that sanctuary you may be hurt... for me, it was my personal feelings of to be alive is to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable is to be alive... LOVE is vulnerability set to music.... I guess in the end, you allow yourself to be vulnerable again in order to love and be alive because it is all powerful above the darkness of feeling rejected, hurt and in pain.
Jane, i never had kids but after a 4 year relationship i chose to leave and even then i cried to him on the phone a month later, i still had not got the closure i was looking for. Men are cold shits, they just go look for another woman to drown there sorrows in, we are more sensitive and tend to wallow in it for a while. Its normal, i am going through it right now. I am as confused as shit. Trust me, i am getting through it, but only because of the most wonderful anti depressants and anxiety pills. You are doing this by yourself and you are strong! You keep at it. You ahve someone new in your life. Live for the moment, you cant change the passed. xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteMy mom has a whole bunch of sayings i pull out of a drawer in my head and the one for this would be "gather the fruit and burn the tree".
ReplyDeleteI have felt what you describe. A deep ache. So very deep. It is not easy to put into words. It is not easy to work through or to understand or to explore.
But when I was there i used those words as a mantra - chanting them above the noise.
Gather the fruit and burn the tree.
Wenchy: Thanks for the comment it means a lot, and I know you have been there too, and look at you now!! Gives me hope...
ReplyDeleteLindy: Kids do make it that much more complicated because the kids are PART OF THEM. But regardless any relationship is very hard to get over, especially when the end was dramatic.
Robin: Do I know you? Thanks for the comments. That is good advice, and it is what I have been trying to do, but somehow my good memories keep being eclipsed by all the bad stuff. I am hoping once that stops they can come to the for front again. I would very much like that, because there were good times!
i am sorry jane.
ReplyDeletei wish i had some assvice for you, or that my magic sitcom wand still worked so i could wave it and fix everything in 22 minutes...
but i am one of those of the school of "ignore-the-fucker-and-forget-everything-till-it-doesn't-hurt-anymore"