Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

I have a new brother in law... I think.

So I have alluded to this in a few posts and now I want to tell the story... because well this is my blog, and it has been bothering me since it all happened. It will either cause a rift, or perhaps the person in question might read it and see how this all looks from the outside. So without further ado here it is...

My younger sister and I have always been pretty close. Heck we grew up together and her baby was my first doula experience! We have a bond. My kids used to list her, her hubby and son as their best aunt, uncle and cousin all the time.

Anyway we have lived on opposite sides of the country for years now but have kept irregular but pretty close contact.

She has been though a lot of stuff in the past year or 2. She was quite depressed pretty much since the birth of the child to varying degrees. Unitl finally
she became rather unstable and booked herself in for a psych evaluation, followed by being diagnosed as bi-polar just over a year ago and is now on medication for that. She since got herself sterilized (at 29!) early last year, and then phoned me in April to say she was getting divorced. Which was a huge shock to me and I even told R we must stop being silly and sort OUR shit out...

Anyway she was divorced very quickly, by mid June. And then I was going through my own stuff so I didn't speak to her that much after that, but we have spoken...

Recently I told her I was seeing someone and her attitude was kind of 'oh that's nice' and nothing more. So I didn't elaborate much in case she was feeling lonely - she lives in a small industrial town where not much happens... But she never indicated she was seeing anyone at all. In fact at times she moaned about her ex kind of rubbing it in that he was dating a bit...

Anyway, she told me months ago that she was coming down to CT for Christmas with her son (he is 3). I was glad. Then she said she wasn't staying with me. Oh, ok. Then she said she was coming without her son. Oh! Then she said she wouldn't even spend Christmas day with me. (I assumed it was because she decided to rather spend the day with our mother, who I don't see or speak to anymore). She's seemed a bit offish, but I couldn't think why and thought maybe she was just busy. I was too, so I pretty much left it at that.

Then she mailed me saying can I make myself available for lunch on Dec 27th - without kids - for 'something important'. I was pretty sure it was because she wanted to sit me down and give me grief over the whole mother situation. I questioned why, saying I really didn't want to get into anything unpleasant, and asked if we could move the day because I was planning on spending that day with Jacques who had just come back and before he goes away for 2 weeks. I just had that ONE day to spend with him. She didn't really respond.

On Christmas day she was meant to come around for the morning and she finally arrived at 11:30 with a young, dashing, coloured guy in tow. I assumed he was a colleague and he seemed nice, although we visited for a very short time so I don't know much about him at all. Except that he is originally from Mitchell's Plein, but lives up country in her town and they work at the same place. It seemed like they could have been seeing each other but it really wasn't clear. Either way it wouldn't bother me, what so ever. I told her then that the Saturday didn't work for me, so could we spend the day together on the Sunday. She said it was fine... So off they went for the rest of Christmas Day.

On the Saturday morning (2 days later) I phoned. I asked if that was the new man in her life and she said yes, and I said 'very nice', and then I tried to check on plans for the next day. She seemed a bit preoccupied and said she'd phone me later to confirm. She said nothing further. Then at 11am she phoned sounding rather funny and asking if I could get myself to such-and-such a chapel quickly. I was like 'erm no I am out in the Simon's Town mountains now', I was having a run with Jacques and his aunt and cousin who were in from Pretoria and whom I had JUST met. I was worried thinking something had happened to my mom or someone or something. I asked wtf was going on and she said 'Oh... um... I am about to get married' !!!! WTFF!??? Shocked Shocked Shocked

I was literally floored and speechless. She said she told no one, she is just doing it and no one must make her try to change her mind cos she is sure.

They were going for lunch afterwards near where I was so I said I'd pop in. I took a bit long to get there but I got there pretty much at the time I had said I could and they were gone, she just sent an sms saying 'sorry we missed you' and then didn't answer her phone again. (Anyway the place was where J and I had our first 'date' so we ended up having a couple of cocktails and had a fun time on our own in the end.)

I was and am totally flabbergast. I ended up phoning my other sister and father and both knew NOTHING of it, but agreed with me that her choices are hers to make and we have always been supportive. So we have no idea why she has been so weird and cagey about it all. I didn't want to skinner and get the 'bush-telegraph' buzzing, but it just seems so weird and sudden and impulsive.

So it seems I have a new brother-in-law!

Jacques was so funny because as mentioned we were out with his aunt and cousin from Pretoria when I got the news and we were all thinking wtf and he said 'Hey we should just get married today too!' I was like 'erm.... NO!'.

It's not that I would never consider it again, but I am certainly not looking to get married and would NOT rush into it, or do it just because. No way. If I ever do it again it will be for the right reasons only.

He of course thinks my family is completely insane (I guess they are. I am the 'normal' one and I know I am not normal!)

After that I tried and tried to get hold of her and make plans to see her and she ducked and dived and avoided me.

She never arrived or answered her phone or made any contact on the next day, the Sunday we were meant to spend together, and when I finally got hold of her in the evening her excuse was 'Well I am kind of on honeymoon'.

I tried to find out what she was doing for NYE and got hardly any response, then I phoned her on New Years Day and invited her to the sunset picnic on the beach, and she said yes they'd be there. Guess what? They never rocked up! She was meant to come with us to Ratanga on the Friday, that also didn't happen.

My dad and other sister phoned for Quinn's birthday on the Saturday and not a word from her... and then she finally came over briefly the following Monday for about half an hour, without him and explained that there was some chaos, drama and disapproval around the wedding from his family's side which they had been dealing with. I was understanding and even supportive. She said she really wanted to see me though and we made definite plans to go up Lion's Head 2 days later. Well guess what? She cancelled that 2 hours before because 'she felt a bit depressed' that day.

It's not like we get to see her very often. Once every year or 2 only. I was more than a bit hurt and put out about it at the time. It irks me that I have been there for her whenever she has needed me. And talked her of the proverbial ledge for hours on end - leaving my own children hanging, and now she doesn't seem to give a shit about anyone.

FWIW Jacques was quite annoyed with her on my behalf too, even though he has never met her, because he had wanted me to go on holiday with him, and I had said no because I was staying to spend time with her. He can't fathom how someone could behave like this...

I am just sad, because Bee and I have always been so close, and I was there for the birth of her CHILD! KWIM?!

The other thing that bothers me is SURELY a wedding should be a public celebration and sharing of your happiness and commitment to your chosen partner with your nearest and dearest friends and family? Surely if it is what you really think is the right thing to do you don't hide away, duck and dive, and avoid everyone? That's my thinking anyway?

I mean even if you do elope, surely you at least share the news proudly AFTERWARDS? She seems to be pretending it never happened.

I mean when he came to collect her after they were married after that brief visit before we were supposedly going up Lion's Head he stayed in the car and didn't even open the window or greet me. Niiice. It just doesn't feel right.

Oh well, I guess they know where I am.

I won't be holding my breath.


  1. One of the things that threw me after reading this story, was the fact that she got married without her son being there!! Poor kid.
    Hope she comes to her senses and actually speaks to you properly soon.

  2. mmmh, i got a strange feeling when reading this. I get the feeling all is not well.And although she has let you down tremendously, i think there is going to come a time when she is going to need you more than anything because this behaviour shows no indication of happiness, which, as you said, should be a happy day in her life when she marries a man she intends spending the rest of her life with.

    Cute little bee in her Northcliff Primary uniform, she was the cutest thing ever! Now with all these issues. Shame. I hope she manages to find herself again and realise she is not alone and she has a sister who loves and cares for her.

  3. I am sorry about this. I have no other words, this can't be easy for you at all. I hope it all comes right - one way or another

  4. I think there is def something up. Possibly gone off her meds? Doesn't sound rational at all. I really hope it all works out for them but warning bells are clanging!

  5. Sounds very bi-polar to me. I wonder if she is still on the meds?

  6. holy crap... i dunno what to say jane, really!