Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Sunday, 30 April 2017

Four months of eternity

Darling Natey. It is 4 months now. 121 days and nights without you keeping us busy, entertained, happy. Without our purpose, our joy or our 'sun'. It is my birthday today. But I don't care about that. It's not a celebration for me this year. It's just another sad reminder of what happened.

I have done the work. Although I guess one is never 'done' with this kind of work..? But I am doing it, facing it, going into it. Not avoiding it. I think. I feel. I cry. I move. I plan. I focus. I colour-in. I connect. I feel gratitude. I do yoga. I listen to music. I read.  I travel. I smile. I make jokes. I take photos. I work. I work-out. Sometimes I even force myself to socialise (this is the very hardest for me still). But afterwards I always settle back to an empty, hollow nothingness. My meaning somehow went with you my boy. I know that's not fair to you. But it is true. And now I need to find something else, and to release you from that burden. Because it's not feeling any better.

My heart still aches with missing you... and seeing your dad miss you. Some days hiding away from it all feels like it will be easier, but I know it won't help. So all I can do is keep going. One step and one breath at a time. Without you. Because of you. For you.

The crows still visit me daily. Sometimes more than one and more than once. They are all around me, and they still comfort me. But you, you are fading. I can't feel or hear or picture you on my own anymore. It breaks my heart.

Someone shared a story of another mommy in the states whose darling 19-month old Rory drowned in Feb, she recently wrote this and it captures exactly how I feel.

"... and it feels like a hundred years and mere seconds in the same instant.  I can’t believe he’s gone, and I sometimes struggle to believe he was real.

Sometimes, I feel like that sweet, beautiful baby boy was really just an incredible dream that we all were lucky enough to dream together for a while – and then we woke up.

So where am I standing now?

Alive.  Feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be.  Struggling with positive emotions and negative ones.  Knowing Rory wouldn’t want us to be sad, and yet reeling with the guilt of joy.  Breathing, and breathing deeply.

Working at walking forward.  Always forward.  Even when it’s hard"

Natey, I miss your precious face. Your angelic voice. Your cheeky smile. Your button nose. Your gorgeous eyelashes. Your crimson luscious lips. Your chubby hands. Your cute little bum. Your special scar on your chest. And the red curls. oh those curls. I miss you Natey and I am so sorry.