Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Friday, 31 October 2008

Wicked Witch of the West

I am so tired I can hardly think straight... but here are pics of our Halloween.

About 30 cubs descended on my house... and they were manic! They had a 'Monster Bus' tour and I was stop 7 of 10 houses they visited. They only got back at 9:15pm and my 2 have JUST gone to bed now... Yoh!

Another group of kids arrived before that and I climbed up and peered over the wall and roared 'What do you want!!!?' I think they (and their moms) nearly pee'd their pants! Heehee. When they said 'Trick or treat, give us something nice to eat' I said 'I eat little children!' and their eyes went wide... Then I threw them a bunch of sweets and they were happy (Remember we live like 2-3 houses away from a huge old house called 'The Ghost House'.)

Me just before they arrived:

The boys and I this year:

Us and the loot:

The cubs arrive!

There are loads more incredible photos of the entire Monster Bus tour HERE.

Including this awesome one of 'The Ghost House' which is right near our house.

No more keeping my feet on the ground.

Coldplay - No More Keeping My Feet on The Ground

Sometimes I wake up, and I'm falling asleep,
And I think that maybe the curtains are closing on me,
But I wake up,
Yes I wake up,
Sometimes I feel that the chance is surprising,
Surprisingly good to be moving around,
So I wake up,
Yes I wake up,
So what? I feel fine,
I'm ok, I've seen the lighter side of life,
I'm alright, I feel good,
So Ill do, Ill try to stop moving,
Sometimes I wake up, and Im falling asleep,
And I've got to get going so much that I wanted to do,
Yes I wake up,
And this could be my last chance,
This may be my only chance,
Yeah this could be my last chance,
No more keeping my feet on the ground.
Sometimes I feel that the chance is surprising,
Surprisingly good to be moving around,
And I move,
And I wake up,
So what? I feel fine,
I'm ok, Ive seen the lighter side of life,
I'm alright, I feel good,
So I'll do, well its time to stop moving.
And this could be my last chance,
This may be my only chance,
Yeah this could be my last chance,
No more keeping my feet on the ground.
There's nothing to keep me,
Nothing to keep me.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Someone Like You

Van Morrison - Someone Like You

I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been travellin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.

I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you...

I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
But just lately I have
The best is yet to come.
Someone like you...

Monday, 27 October 2008

Give the day a chance to start

As I go through the course of my day and life, I hear songs and sometimes they just speak to me... bypassing my brain and going right into my heart and filling me with emotion. Cold Play does that a lot (as do The Parlotones) this one has brought tears to my eyes today...

Cold Play - Gold In Them Hills

I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
And maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we'd only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

Every now and then life says
Where do you think you're going so fast
We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

And if we'd get up off our knees
Why then we'd see the forest for the trees
And we'd see the new sun rising
Over the hills on the horizon

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose faith
Give the world a chance to say...

A word or two, my friend
There's no telling how the day might end
And we'll never know until we see
That there's gold in them hills

There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

There's gold in them hills...
There's gold in them hills...

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Le Week-end a Retrospective

Todays' thoughts.

1) The boys were with their dad this week-end. Both boys were away for 2 whole nights! I think this was the first time this has happened since we split up. It was long overdue. I had the whole week-end to myself with only two commitments; the school games evening on Friday, where I had volunteered for the tuck shop and then wasn't needed so just had 2 drinks saw the boys off and then left, and the other was a fun social one on Saturday night. More below...

2) I went to the new Claremont gym on Saturday morning. Oh my word it is lovely! REALLY nice in fact. I ran there, so had nothing with me but, I will definitely be back with a swim suit to try out the jet bath and swimming pools etc. They look fab! In the mean time I tried the brand new equipment which is very fancy and nice, stretched myself to death on some stretching machines and then I discovered.... the Power Plate! WOW. It is fun, fun, fun. In fact I enjoyed it so much I went back again today. I stayed on between 30-45 minutes each day and I am actually quite sore and stiff already. Although I did a lot of dynamic stuff on it and I didn't just stand there, it didn't feel like I was working THAT hard. So it seems to be effective. And I must say sitting on it not half unpleasant! ;)

3) I did weigh myself there, at the Health Zone. Well yesterday it said I weighed '36kgs'... and now today I am '163'. I didn't think I ate and drank THAT much last night. LOL. Anyway I found a scale in the bathroom, and despite a clear redistribution of weight on me - my bum, thighs, flanks and face ARE fatter, and I probably have less muscle - I have only put on about 2kgs. YAY!!!! Knowing me as I start to exercise I will put another one before any starts going away. But still I was expecting 5 or more kilos, in fact I was hoping it would be limited to 5, so I am actually pleased! Yipee.

4) I am feeling a lot better about myself again. Having some time to myself, to just be quiet and think has been great. I have had some exercise, sun, fresh air, peace and quiet. With no demands on me. I really needed that. I feel centred again.
5) Last night Lisa (B for those that know her) and I went to see The Parlotones at the Barnyard. We went to Col Cacchio for a pizza before the show - I had butternut, Gorgonzola and pumpkin seeds on mine. YUM. The show was really good and Lisa is always a hoot. She has no shame and will say and do anything. We had such a chuckle at 'Prom Barbie' and took quite a few photos of her and her ample bosoms and full view up her blue sparkly 'rokkie' while pretending we were taking self portraits of ourselves. It was very silly but very funny. We had great seats in the second row. The show comprised of local band One Sock Thief, who were actually not bad, and then UK act Star Sailor who were pretty good - and they had a really funny base player who was really good despite appearing drunk or mentally disturbed in some way. Then The 'Tones who always rock a LOT. I love them long time (it was my 5th time seeing them). My only complaint is that the crowd was too tame, I wanted to go wild and dance in the aisles!
6) Roxy has been really good. I thought she might be naughty from being bored while the boys have been away, but she has been a perfect little companion and has been a star. I have taken her to the park after running back from the gym on both days and she happily trots along next to me, and then frolics in the park, and then comes to me for some rough and tumble. At home she'll lie quietly in the room I am in. She is not really demanding at all. When she has been left alone at home, when I get back she is waiting patiently in her basket.

7) I need to temper my wit and argumentativeness. At work on Friday we had some sessions with our CEO. He said he does not discriminate against people at all, not with colour, gender, age etc etc, he said the only thing he discriminates with is 'ability'. Before I could stop myself I said 'Oh so you discriminate against DISabled people?'. It was completely in jest and he took it in good spirits, but he had to back pedal quickly. LOL. I am terrible. There was a similar but more funny incident earlier in the week during our SCRUM planning session when my most conservative colleague said 'What's your title?'. I was like 'Huh? In what context?' and before he had a chance to explain that he meant in the Scrum context (where I am Product Owner btw) I pipped up, 'Um... 'Mistress'!?'. Which of course set a delinquent mood for the rest of the session. I have promised them I will be getting a whip soon! Heehee.

8) It is official my kids are rather loud. They are home now, and it is not calm and relaxed here anymore... sigh. Oh well it was good while it lasted. Let me brace myself ;)

9) Oh I might have an opportunity to go Shark Cage Diving in 2 week's time. I was invited in passing on Friday.. . and thinking about it I am thinking 'Why the hell not!?' It could be awesome, and it is certainly a once in a life time opportunity, and it seems like a pretty fun - and hard core crowd. So I am pretty psyched at the possibility. I am not sure if I will materialise, but if the opportunity is there, I am going to go for it!

10) There are a busy few weeks coming up. Should be lots of fun, and lots of hard work, and no doubt rather tiring.

11) I am planning to do the Old Mutual 10km Night Race on Wednesday evening.

12) Last but not least the weather in Cape Town has been simply spectacular this week-end. It was perfect. My swimming pool is sparkly clean (btw I ROCK at pool maintenance!) and my garden is looking lovely.

That's it for now. Hope everyone has had a great week-end.

Step into the sun

I am loving this song at the moment...


I’m as lonely as you were in May

Some say
Is all there ever will be so I’ll stay

Message to the one
Step into the sun
Remember all the days
That disappeared like rain

Open up your eyes
Everything’s alright
I tried to make you see
The wood for the trees

You pray
That tomorrow will be your day
You say

I may
Tell you how I am feeling, in your way

I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be the only one

I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be
I don’t want to be the lonely one

Saturday, 25 October 2008

The Resolution

Jacks Mannequin - The Resolution

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
But I think I'm letting go
To find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

And I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
'Til the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I can hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I feel

That I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

You hold me down
You hold me down
I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness

I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light, I need light

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

Random Thoughts for today

Just some random thoughts and notes-to-self mulling in my head today:

1) When you have put on some weight and your butt is somewhere between orange peel and cottage cheese, do NOT wear creamy beige pants - not flattering! ESPECIALLY when the company CEO is in the country for a visit, AND you are spending all day in work shops. Your kids do not call your butt 'blobby blobby' for nothing! *blushe*

2) My feet are cramping something chronic and I feel very 'flat'. I think it is a combination of far too much stress, needing vitamins and a proper balanced diet. I am either eating too much (often) and then compensate by eating too little for a few days. Recently when I run/walk I have been feeling a bit weird and 'out of body' it is a tad concerning. I don't think I am about to have a heart attack or anything, but I do think it is underlying anxiety just making me feel odd.

3) My jaw is very tight again. I had TMJ problems in 2002 - my jaw seized up and I had to have an MRI and a facio-maxillal surgeon wanted to operate!. At the time I fixed it with physio, acupuncture, relaxation exercises and the getting my abs repaired (I had abdominus rectis separation from giant pregnancies). Anyway the problem is now coming back. I need to relax more. And have more light hearted fun. I keep my tension in my jaw. It is not good!

4) I was too lazy to go for a run tonight, even though I did have the opportunity. I just felt tired - I actually felt cold and shaky at work earlier. I thought I might have been getting sick, but it may just have been blood sugar related.... Anyway instead the boys and I went to the park with Roxy. I had a lot of fun. I played a bit of tennis (until Quinn hit the ball over a wall *hurumph*), skate boarded a bit - I am getting better!, J-boarded (ok I lie, I stood on it and Q pulled me along for a few meters and then let go and I promptly fell off with a swawk.). I also rode on the push scooter, and bicycle and then we played 'aeroplanes' for a bit.

5) On the way home I found a mulberry tree and went to eat some. I felt like I was 6 years old again. I loved it! YUM.

6) I love my current job. It is fun and varied, interesting and there is a really nice team. I would really like to stay there. Now I just need the company to survive this financial crisis so they don't have to lay anyone else off. PLEASE!

7) I miss doula'ing. I'd really like to get back to it soon, but I just don't have the capacity atm. It makes me sad. If/when the insanity of my life settles down to the point of having regular and predictable time to myself I am going to go and volunteer at Mowbray Maternity again. I realised the other day I could still do that with limited time, as I can go there as and when I can, and it solves my issue with not being able to go out at night or during working hours. I definitely can't take private clients at the moment though. One day...

8) I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I like being able to what I want - because I have so little capacity for freedom right now, but late at night at bed time I like having my own thoughts and being able to read, listen to the radio, watch crap on my laptop and just do what I want to do.

9) I would like a bit of wine, dine and 69ing on occasion though... ;) (But no serious, move in, or emo crap thanks.)

10) I wish Richard would just move on already. Seriously. I am so done.

11) I LOVE my boys LOTS. But I do want a break from them right now. Just a small one. I am kind of getting tired about thinking of them first ALL the time. I want to go for a massage, have a long bath without noise and just have some peace!

12) I have spent a LOT of money this week. On paying legal and home maintenance bills.

13) I have more of a relationship with my MIL now than I did when I was married. I have been witting to her more or less monthly to keep her up to speed with what is going on and sending her pictures of the boys etc.

14) I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious by all this end of year activity, there is so much to do! The schools are full of demands, as is everyone else, and then it will be both boy's birthdays soon too. Can I just skip it all? Please?

15) I booked for the boys and I to go to 5 Kirstenbosch Summer Sunset concerts today... more $$$, but wtf, they are worth it! We are going to: Freshly Ground, Watershed, Just Jinger, The Parlotones & The Dirty Skirts. They should all be great! Let me know if you'll be there!

16) I want to go out for Margaritas! Or heck straight tequila would be good too! And maybe a bit of pool ;)

17) I am off to see the Parlotones at Barnyard on Saturday with Lisa. It will be my 5th time seeing them. I can't wait!

18) I am hoping to get to check out the new VA Claremont gym on Saturday. I hear it is nice. I am scared to weigh myself. I know it is not going to be pretty :/ Bugger!

19) I'll be at the SA Music Day at Lourensford Estate on 15 November. It seems the only time I ever get out at all any more is to music events... SA music rocks though and I love these things.

20) WTF can my children not be in water (pool or bath) without arguing!? It drives me craazeee!!!

That's all for now...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Gee thanks!

Thanks Laura for my 'award'

I heart your blog too. Mwah!

Monday, 20 October 2008

The day I lost control...

I still have my sense of humour ;)

p.s. When that goes you'll know it's over

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Into the abyss

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you." Friedrich Nietzsche German philosopher (1844 - 1900)

I want to give up...

Friday, 17 October 2008

I have had enough...

Da Da Daaa DaDaDa!

I LOVE this song

Goldfish - 'Soundtracks and Comebacks' from Bru Boegie on Vimeo.

...and every time I hear it I kick myself for not getting up to see them at Rocking the Daises and then not getting to chance to go see them at Tiger Tiger either. BUGGER!!!

(I could not find the lyrics on the net *shock and horror* So I had to transcribe them myself!)

I wanna take you to a place not very far from here.
Don't have to travel for a week to let down your hair.
It's the kind of place to show your face, and no one cares;
What you do, or what you say, or what you wear.

It's no secret you can find it if you look inside,
Yourself and no one else.
It'll have to be a bumpy ride.
We've been searching all our lives and now we know it's there.
It's a magic place.

No matter how much you wanna leave, you're gonna come back!
And when you come back you're gonna hear the soundtrack.

Da da daaa dadada dadada dadada...


Karmacoma - Tricky

You sure you want to be with me
I've nothing to give
Wont lie and say this love is best
Leave us in emotional peace
Take a walk, taste the rest
No, take a rest

I see you digging a hole
Your neighbourood
You're crazy but you're lazy
No need to live in a lean to [no need to live on the need to]
your troubles must be seen to with money
Like paper with faces I remember
The faces I remember
I drink on a daily basis
Though it seldom cools my temper
It never cools my temper

Walking through the suburbs they're not exactly lovers
You're a couple, especially when your body's doubled
Duplicate, then you wait for the next kuwait

Karmacoma, Jamaican aroma

You sure you want to be with me Ive nothing to give
Take a walk take a rest
Taste the rest
Take a walk take a rest
Taste the rest

Don't want to be on top of your list
Monopoly and properly kissed
We overcome in 60 seconds
With the strength we have to together
But for now, emotional ties they stay severed
When there's trust there'll be treats and
When we funk there'll be beats

Karmacoma, Jamaican aroma

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Gun Run Results 2008

The Gun Run Results are already out... this race is impressively organised.

See the full results listing HERE

**Race Results**
Race: 10k
Pos: 288 (out of 2579 and 74th female)
Time: 53:25

My results from last year are here and 2006 here. The course was short last year so everyone's times were faster.

I am very happy with my results this year all things considered.... I was not even sure I would be able to run it having hardly trained at all in the past few weeks.

Hahaha... this is the only photo taken of me on the day... ;)


Today's Intranet quote of the day:

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol

All I Really Want

All I Really Want - Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature

What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretences
Falling all around...all around

Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

Saturday, 11 October 2008

I am still here....kind of.

The past week has been a complete emotional roller-coaster.

I have officially realised that I am not in control anymore, and as a result I have put on weight, lost my fitness level and have started building emotional walls around myself making myself unapproachable... and hence un-hurtable.

This is wonderful backwards progress.

I have moments of feeling disappointed and wanting to hate myself...

I am probably not getting enough sleep, and some days just feel so tired and overwhelmed by responsibility. But I have to keep going.

So despite dealing with all the things that are broken and need fixing, that need doing, that the boys need and that work needs, I am also dealing with some bi-polar love-hate attention from R... it hurts me badly. Both when he expressed love and hate for me. I just can't escape it.
I woke up with the Cold Play song "Warning Sign" lyrics repeating in my head this morning 'When the truth is, I miss you. Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so '.

So I have decided I can not be too strict on myself. My goals and expectations for MYSELF have got to take a back seat. So while I feel the disappointment in myself creaping in, more and more often, I have to keep reminding myself to go easy on myself. I have been through a LOT this year. A LOT. Hopefully I can get the rest back on track in time (soon please!) but I have to concentrate on my emotional & psychological state now, and not punish myself for not looking and acting perfect.

This is really really hard. I had NO IDEA.....