Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Friday, 30 July 2010

Odd one, you're never alone

I have heard this on the radio a few times in the past couple of weeks and I like it...

Sick Puppies - Odd One

Odd one, you're never alone
I'm here and I will reflect you
Both of us basically unattached
To anything or anyone unless we're pretending
You live your life in your head
Some call it imagination
I'd rather focus instead on anything except
What I'm feeling
What I'm feeling
Odd one...

Hey, it's gonna be okay
Hey, we're gonna laugh at this one day

Odd one, I wish I was you
You're never concerned with acceptance
We are all desperately seeking out, a
And fitting with anyone
Who will accept us
But not you, odd one

Hey, it's gonna be okay
Hey, we're gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it's gonna be okay
Hey, gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it's gonna be okay
Hey, we're gonna laugh at this one day

Don't let someone tell you you're no-one
Don't let someone tell you you're no-one
Odd one...

Quinn c-toma - we met the Prof

So we met with the ENT Prof yesterday. What a lovely man he was! Quinn was very nervous at first when we got there, but warmed to him and settled down quickly. (I think the prof title might have been intimidating for him, and I think he expected old, stern and formal) ;)

Anyway he gave Quinn's ears a good clean out - and removed lumps of skin and stuff from both. Quinn found it quite painful and unpleasant but he stayed perfectly still and was very brave.  The Prof seemed impressed with the work done to the right ear - our ENT is FABULOUS. :) He said it looks like it is healing very well and seems stable. He did mention that the fact that the stapes bone was damaged makes it harder to do reconstruction work on that side but it may still be possible going forward. But otherwise all seems well with that side.

He confirmed that there is definitely a cholesteatoma growing in the left ear too and it will need to be treated with surgery (as we know). He agrees that it looks less extensive than the right was but he does expect that the oscicles have been implicated and expects that Quinn's hearing my may negatively impacted after the surgery. We understand this, and we accept this as a risk/outcome, as our primary concern is still to get rid of the c-toma and make his ears safe and stable. He also discussed the possibility of the tasting nerve being impacted. Quinn claims the right side tasting is normal again - I am not sure if that is actually possible or if he has just got used to it and assimilated it as a new normal now. I am not sure.

He did not look at the CT Scan while we were there but we left it with him, so I am sure he will study it and see what it reveals.

He asked us what the next steps are and when surgery is to go ahead and who is doing it. I said we are happy for the surgery to be as soon as possible and will go with his recommendations for timing and who is to carry out the procedure etc.

I think that was everything.

We are ready to tackle this asap, the sooner the better. Both to get the problem sorted out and to get him healed and functional for school, general life, sport, summer and swimming etc etc.

Friday, 23 July 2010

“Try and fail, but don't fail to try.”

Try and fail, but don't fail to try.”   Stephen Kaggwa

So I was right to feel cautiously optimistic and it was not as easy as it seemed. I thought it was too good to be true.
We finally heard back from home affairs exactly 7 months after applying for our name changes

A letter came yesterday and boys were all excited and opened it themselves.... but istead of it telling them their new Birth Certificates are ready it said, their surname change applications STILL need:
1) Divorce/Death certificates of mother/father (this I can do - I did submit divorce info already and can redo it)


2) Consent from the biological father (we have no idea where he is and have no contact with him,  so this not possible.... ) OR
A High Court order permitting it.  (This will cost about R50k)

:( :( :( :( :( :(

Fluck man! Now what do we do???
- Just leave it legally and use the names unofficially as we have been? We will have to remember to use official names as required, and then do the official applications when they are no longer minors, or
- Keep trying?

I am so bummed. The boys have loved having the new names and everyone has been so settled and cool since we have been 'emancipated'... I spoke to G this morning and asked how he feels about it and if he wants me to keep trying, and if so, how important it is to him and he says he really likes the new name and wants to keep it rather.

It's such a pain.

Anyway hopefully some kind of plan will come up, but actually getting him to sign is going to be nigh impossible, and not because he'll fight it (I don't think) but just because we can't get hold of him (at all, no one knows where he is anymore) or get him to cooperate wrt to ANYTHING.
Oh and I haven't told you the latest hey? ... got a legal letter the other day complaining about my abandoned vehicle! Car has been left in some Mowbray flat's parking lot and has not moved for months. When they traced the registration it comes back to - you guessed it - ME!

I followed up with licensing department and it turns out that while it is true that I did process the sale 'pink slip' to transfer it into his name he never did his side- road worthy certificate etc, so the it never changed ownership officially in the system. So now although I actually don't legally own it anymore in the traffic department system it is still linked to my name as the last legal owner. Oi vey!! 

:roll: :roll: :roll:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! (and fatter..)


Thursday, 22 July 2010

Just do it - we are going to!

Last year the boys and I attended a community house build event. It was damn hard work, but really fun and extremely rewarding. We all agree we want to participate again this year.

Details below:

Mellon Housing Initiative would like to extend an invitation to all our dedicated volunteers past and present to join once again to be part of DO IT DAY.

With their target to recruit volunteers again this year, we are hoping that you will join us for a volunteer house build day in Cape Town on Saturday, 18th September. All partners/ family/ friends welcome!

DO IT DAY is a day earmarked for each and every person in South Africa to make a difference in someone else’s life.

Date : Saturday, 18 September 2010
Time : 08h00 – 15h30
Venue : Wallacedene
(Transport will be organised, and all details will be confirmed closer to the time)

Last year 300 DO IT DAYERS gave their time and participated in a build. We would like to exceed the target this year but this can only be achieved and made possible with your help.

The MHI Volunteer Program team, look forward to welcoming you, your family and friends to what can only described as an extremely rewarding day.

Sign up today! It will not cost you anything bar hard work and enthusiasm.

Let me know if you want to join us, and I'll send the application form to you.

Lara Croft here we come...

After letting winter, the world cup, a slightly dickey knee, general laziness, lots of cold, rain and wind, too much socialising, getting DSTV and any other excuses you care to add into the mix... I ended up slightly less fit and abit more fat over the past month or 2.

I managed to gain about 2kgs since Easter, and was not thrilled about, but thanks to the above excuses had not had the time or inclination to actually DO something about it.

But last week Wednesday while it was cold and raining I thought dammit I will do SOMETHING.

I used to regularly do katabox classes. At least once if not twice a week. They are awesome. Full cardio work-out, very toning and exhausting but invigorating at the same time. You get all your frustrations and aggro out and feel amazing afterwards and quite empowered too.

I have not been to a class for 1.5 or possibly even 2 years - I stopped somewhere around the time of my divorce and when visitation started getting dodgy and inconsistent. So I wasn't actually sure I could even DO a class anymore. But I decided to give it a go.

So off I went to the gym, where the legendary energiser-bunny Norman is STILL the instructor - YAY. And I did the class while the boys merrily pottered around the gym trying a few things and playing on the PCs.

I am pleasantly surprised to find that I could still keep up with the class, and in fact seemed to be keeping up rather well actually. (Is it possible that I am actually quite fit!??). By the end I was on a total high. I LOVED it.

So much so that I have been scanning the timetables and found classes to attend on Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday evening this week. Yes that's right 3 classes on 3 consecutive nights - with 3 different instructors too.

On Monday I added an 8km run, and Wednesday a 5km run before the class too. I am back baby, and LOVING IT. I am rather proud of myself actually and am feeling much better and stronger (in all aspects) too. :)

I'd batter start looking like Lara Croft soon...

Security replaces carefreeness

So after a terrible spat of crime nearby recently and some nasty incidents quite close to home, I started feeling rather vulnerable alone here, especially at night. We have already had one break-in incident in the early hours and while I was brave and proactive that time, I really don't want to have to confront that situation again. To the point that I have taken to sleeping with my bedroom door locked, to at least ensure that I am not going to wake up with someone standing over me, and would have the ability to make a call from inside my room if needed. I found I was sleeping badly, listening for sounds all the time, and this gives my subconscious peace of mind.

So I bit the bullet and got an alarm and armed response facility set-up last month.

Now we need to remember to arm and disarm the alarm every time we come and go. The boys thing this is great and argue about who gets to do this - hope that lasts.

I also have a night time setting so I can arm the doors and far end of the house while we are sleeping. Today at 05:45 the alarm triggered. I was up like a shot. Hit my panic button and then phoned through on my mobile too.

Seems it was nothing and nothing further has transpired. But now I am awake and alert.

I am not sure if this is better. I liked the way I never used to think about crime or feel fearful. Somehow this seems necessary now though an I like that I at least can call someone now. It does make me feel a bit more protected.

I mean despite doing 4 kata-box classes in the last week (yes you read that right 4. I am BACK baby!!) I do know I am not that strong and it is not actually responsible for me to take sole ownership of the boys and my safety and security.

I'd like to stay unparanoid about security and just keep up the level of awareness we have of it now...

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

I don't want you

 I seem to have become a freak magnet... I am not interested thanks. So all freaks and weirdos, sod off please!

I am not lonely or desperate and don't want or need to commit to anything I don't want to.


Radiohead - How can you be sure

Seen all the good things and bad
Running down the hill
All so battered and brought to the ground
I am hungry again
I am drunk again
With all the money I owe to my friends

And when I'm like this
How can you be smiling, singing?
How can you be sure?
How can you be sure?

If you walk out the door
Will I see you again?
If so much of me lies in your eyes
I am hungry again
I am drunk again
With all the money I owe to my friends

When I'm like this
How can you be smiling, singing?
How can you be sure I don't want you?
How can you be sure I don't want you?
How can you be sure I don't want you?
How can you be sure I don't want you?

I don't want you, I don't want you anymore
I don't want you, I don't want you anymore

Sunday, 18 July 2010


This is so wrong but so funny...

Friday, 16 July 2010

Bad Accident becomes BAD PRESS

Our director got a call last Monday morning at 10ish. He rushed out saying his son was in an accident. He phoned me asking for directions  and saying something about an ambulance. Then he phoned again and I overheard a guy say something about 'cut on his head and a gash'.

It turned out that it was really bad. It was his 4 year old and he fell about 1m down some stairs with the statue falling on top of him.

He had a bad gash on the back of his head - about 15cm long which retracted exposing his skull and bled badly, and also had a big laceration on his face/lip too which also bled profusely. The wife/mom and older brother are quite traumatized from it too- understandably.

He has some small skull fractures, a brain bleed and lost a lot of blood from the wounds.

He was in surgery for about 1.5 hours and had to staple to back of his head back together and had to graft some tissue on the wound on the front of his face. Apparently it is likely to scar quite badly. He didn't  need a blood transfusion in the end, they thought he would at first.

He was in hospital until Friday afternoon. There was concern that he might have sustained brain injuries, because he was not lucid more than 3 days later and was unable to talk or stand or control his bladder etc.

He could not be sedated because of the brain trauma, but is on pain killers, however he was been fighting and trying to rip drip and dressings off his face/head, so they were struggling to control him.

Neurosurgeon had to keep him in high care, since they did not know why he was not coming-to and they were very concerned that the brain bleed was worstening.

He finally 'woke-up' on Friday and went home where he has been recovering. Although some trauma therapy is going to be needed as well as follow-up sessions with plastic surgeon and neuro as he heals.

But then:

The accident was reported in the news - front page of yesterday's Cape Times:

Our boss is livid, because the statue DEFINITELY fell on him. The mom though her son was dead when she saw him with his head pinned under it. There was a photographer there who took photos of it all, and not only that the mom and her friend were unable to lift the statue off, so the photographer came to help them. Yet they are now reporting that it didn't land on him and they have made it sound like the boys shoved it off. The photographer has said that although all the boys were playing around there the others were not even behind it when it happened.

He can't understand why they are going to the press at all, never mind lying and covering their butts so much when he had simply asked them whether they have public liability insurance to assist with their expenses.

It has been so downplayed and mispublisised that he is now taking legal action.

The mom is devastated and in tears over it all again. The neurosurgeon said there are stress fractures on all his skull bone joints from the impact and how his bones mashed against each other.

It annoys me so much how the press mis-represent things so consistently. Also the friend went back last week and said the statue was back up... so I am not sure if it has subsequently actually been taken down.

I suggested that he check if there is CCTV coverage of that area because that would give conclusive proof. Plus he says the statue was not attached to anything.

HOWEVER in my mind even IF the boys were somehow implicated in the cause of the statue toppling, I would think that the gardens and or statue owner would at least express some kind of regret at the accident having occurred and shown some sympathy for the boy (and his family). I mean isn't that the humane thing to do?

Also in shopping centres if an an 80 year old falls down and breaks a hip, that's not really the centre's fault, but that is usually covered. Or if someone fell down the stairs at here at work etc they'd be able to claim for it. That's what the public liability insurance is FOR!

I have seen photos of the child, he was severely injured - black swollen-shut eye, burst lip, gash in the forehead, almost broken nose, scratches, bruises. AND he was scalped the full length of the back of his head, they had to reattach his scalp to his skull with staples. That does not happen from just falling down! Kirstenbosch had to clean the scene since there was a copious amount of blood left on the scene.
He phoned Kirstenbosch yesterday morning to discuss it with them and they have not bothered to return the call yet.  He finally got hold of head of Kirstenbosch today who had no idea about the severity of the accident. Also it transpires and has been admitted that the 'staff who saw the accident' had just seen the children playing and did not actually SEE it happen.

I am frankly appalled. Not what I expected of them AT ALL.

Friday, 9 July 2010

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being -- not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money -- but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Kelly Rowland - Everywhere You Go
Anything, if you want it, you can have
Everything in your dream you can always grab
Cause that’s what you make it
And there’s no mistaking
You were caught just to play harder
That’s the way we live, sing

Walle walle walle
Wherever life may take you
Don’t you forget you
Come come sing sing again
Walle walle walle
Wherever life may take you
Don’t you forget you

Everywhere you go go go go
Go harder (Go harder)
Go farther (Go stronger)
Everywhere you go go go go
Go stronger (just a little bit)
Go longer (Go longer)
Everywhere You Go

To ease the price not believing is a sin
You can’t stop the sun from drowning, I’m supposed to win
Cause if you can see it
Then you know you can be it
You work hard just to play harder
That’s just how we live, oh whoa

Walle walle walle
Wherever life may take you
Don’t you forget you
Don’t you forget you yeah
Walle walle walle
Wherever life may take you
Don’t you forget you
Walle walle walle

Everywhere you go go go go
Go harder (Go harder)
Go farther (Go stronger)
Everywhere you go go go go
Go stronger (Go stronger)
Go longer (Go longer)

Friday, 2 July 2010

In June...

I drank Tequila, laughed and danced with friends.

I played pool, and lost, badly.

I watched my country host the FIFA world cup opening and felt really proud.

I went to a comedy festival and laughed and laughed.

I went to a Springbok Test match.

I watch my country play its heart out in the football and although they lost, they had me behind them ALL THE WAY.

I talked to a friend till late in the night.

I played pool, and won.

I went to a live World Cup Soccer match!

I had dinner with 2 very different, but very nice people.

I got beautiful roses from one of them.

I went away for a week end to look for snow. We only found 2 clumps of ice, but had a lovely time anyway.

I ate too much and drank to much.

I didn't exercise enough.

I gained weight.

I lost fitness.

I struggled with my demons.

I realised I am SCARED of intimacy now and avoid it, and run away from people who want to pursue it with me now. I am happy and safe in my head, my heart scares and hurts me.

I realised I have not gone as far as I'd hoped in my journey.

I realised I am not as good a mother as I want to be.

I realised I want and need to do better.

I had a lot of fun in June, but I also struggled a lot.

I am glad it is over...

We are past the solstice and past mid-year, may it be better from here!

A year ago today....

It's a year since I received the call to tell me my (estranged) mother had died.

It has been a long and hard year. A year which started so full of hope, happiness and love. Where I thought a new start was being made. But it ended up being 9 months of betrayal and heartache, where the person I loved the more than anyone else ever, hurt me the most and deepest. It has taken me the longest time to move on and get over it. I am still dealing with the fall out... but it is starting to get easier and I am finally able to be a bit objective about it. I still get regular phone calls, but now instead of upsetting me, they amuse me and sometimes even brighten my day. I kind of like the fact that even though I was so hurt, I am still thought of and cared about in some way. Even though it will never work out, at least we can still have some kind of friendship.

I have found myself thinking of my mother in the past few months, and feeling a sense of sadness and loss. There is a hole in me where a mother was meant to be. It was there when she was alive, but somehow now that she is gone it is bigger and more apparent.

Mom I am sorry you were not happy, and had a tough life. I am sorry you were not a better mother to me, and that in turn I was not able to be a good daughter to you. I am trying not to make the same mistake with my children. I hope I can be better and do better.

Despite everything, I do miss you.