A year ago today....

It's a year since I received the call to tell me my (estranged) mother had died.

It has been a long and hard year. A year which started so full of hope, happiness and love. Where I thought a new start was being made. But it ended up being 9 months of betrayal and heartache, where the person I loved the more than anyone else ever, hurt me the most and deepest. It has taken me the longest time to move on and get over it. I am still dealing with the fall out... but it is starting to get easier and I am finally able to be a bit objective about it. I still get regular phone calls, but now instead of upsetting me, they amuse me and sometimes even brighten my day. I kind of like the fact that even though I was so hurt, I am still thought of and cared about in some way. Even though it will never work out, at least we can still have some kind of friendship.

I have found myself thinking of my mother in the past few months, and feeling a sense of sadness and loss. There is a hole in me where a mother was meant to be. It was there when she was alive, but somehow now that she is gone it is bigger and more apparent.

Mom I am sorry you were not happy, and had a tough life. I am sorry you were not a better mother to me, and that in turn I was not able to be a good daughter to you. I am trying not to make the same mistake with my children. I hope I can be better and do better.

Despite everything, I do miss you.