Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Thursday, 30 April 2009

It's my Birthday

Yippee yay! I actually don't make that much of a big deal about birthdays, they seem pretty arbitrary to me to be honest. But well, after last year's really crappy birthday, and now this one being the first time it is just MY birthday (well it is still obviously also Richard's birthday*, but since we are no longer together we don't 'share' a birthday anymore...) I decided this year to actually acknowledge my birthday a bit more.

Yesterday I bought doughnuts for the IT Crowd and Managers at work, and then at after work drinks we had (way too many) Margaritas in celebration (incriminating photos pending).

Today I woke up (far earlier than I had to thanks to my most irritating ex-Mother-in-Law, I mean really! After 13 years has she not freeking learned that an early morning phone call from her is NEVER appreciated and particularly not on a birthday and even MORE so after a rough night. Silly cow! *Growl*). Anyway that was the start of the day and I dragged my sorry ass up and after 2 cups of coffee was able to shower and get the boys to school on time.

Having taken the day off - good planning on my part - I was able to get to my 9am appointment at my brain-dead leisure. There to lie in paralytic bliss as I was massaged** thoroughly from top to toe for a whole 90 minutes - which was my birthday present to myself because well 'I'm worth it'. :P That was divine!

I then went off to get my new running shoes which had arrived and which I got at the discounted price (About 25% off in the end). Score! I love them lots, but won't be wearing them for my race tomorrow sadly, since I have not worn them in yet, plus it is likely to be wet and muddy and I wouldn't want to sully them so soon, now would I!?

I then had a nice cappuccino on my own (love doing that) and responded to my gazillion birthday messages which were very unexpected and very appreciated. Thanks to all who wished me! Then I did a bit of retail therapy - nothing too hectic, my credit card is still in tact. And now I am about to pack up and collect the boys before we had off to Wellington to spend my birthday evening chilling and relaxing together before the big race early tomorrow morning.

Wish me luck! I'll see you on the other side... if I make it.

* If you ever read this HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD!

** Very cool and interesting place I went to called the Healing Light Centre in Kenilworth which is a community outreach program and PDA blind people massage center. Awesome concept. A 90-minute aromatherapy massage costs R170, and it was really very good. I asked for a firm massage and she was very strong and firm but did not hurt at all.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Things & Thoughts from the week-end

Sushi is delicious, especially when enjoyed with good company.
Bumping unexpectedly into someone meaningful from your past can not only give you a huge fright but also be quite heart warming.
I play pool really badly, but I don't mind, I enjoy it anyway. Somehow you always meet interesting people and have fun.
I still really like Tequila.
I don't like cigarette smoke.
I love running. I may change my mind after Friday though (Half Marathon D-Day)
Roxy is not normal. She is more than a little mad. She fits in well!
Baraka = WOW!
I love soup. Lots.
I talk. A LOT!
My brain is very busy and in control of me.
Some things do shut me up though. This is very good. My mind needs the break :)
Walking in the rain is nice.
I like laughing and being silly.
I am very thankful for a really special good friend who makes me coffee and pancakes and supports me always, without question.
Drinking wine and listening to music is wonderful.
Foot rubs are one of my favourite things in the world.
The seasons are changing and it is much cooler now. I am enjoying watching and feeling the changes and the feeling of snuggling under a blanket.
Saw a photo of my MOM (in the most unexpected place) I am still shaking my head at this. WEIRD! Unbelievable.
I like day dreaming.
Salmon is simply delicious always.
I seem to be able to at least talk (about practicalities) with my ex now. I am so glad. I would love to have a better relationship with him, and to see him getting on with his life and actually being happy (finally). Hopefully this will come in time. I will keep being patient, and gentle.
I hate upsetting people, or hurting them, at all. It makes me feel bad and can bring me to tears easily. I don't like causing people negative feelings or physical pain, or to be a burden to them in any way.
Lindt Chilli Dark Chocolate - so many ways it can be simply divine.
I feel like I am on a precipice, but I am scared to jump - this time.
I want to look at the view and breathe in the air.
I want to believe in flying.
Or at least know there is someone who will catch me, if I don't fly.

Monday, 27 April 2009

It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember

Snow Patrol - Crack The Shutters

You cool your bed-warm hands
down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me,
I mumble "can you wake me later?"
But I don't really want you to stop
and you know it so it doesn't stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle
up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days,
it's been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair
and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys
are mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber,
I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays
tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

Crack the shutters open wide,
I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle
up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding
new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you
just as much as I want you

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Could these be any more beautiful?

I mean REALLY?
My photos totally don't do them justice they are those dark velvety black hued red roses (you can kind of see it in the bottom photo) but the flash was making them glow yellow. Anyway this is them after a full week!


Bubble Boy

He has been asking me how to do this on and off for a year. I had tried explaining but he just got frustrated with me. Then on Friday he went to a party and got a party pack full of Chappies and now...

I can distinctly remember the first day I got it right too. I was sitting on the bonnet of my mom's car waiting for her to come out of Cresta center - she was gone for ages (she used to forget she was a mom with kids waiting more often than not)
Cool Laughing

Whoop whoop! The Good News Wins.

The company I work for has been valiantly weathering the financial crisis storm (as they are all currently attempting to do) and being a UK based financial services firm this has not been easy. Luckily for them they started off-shoring most of the operational stuff to SA about 18 months ago, so they had already benefited from the cost cutting and stream lining exercise and where settled and establish when this hit. But even so things have been nerve wracking. Buckles have had to be tightened, budgets and head counts frozen. And the sad reality is that retrenchments have had to be made. Also as resignations have come in those resources have not been replaced. W e have lost whole departments and are running a VERY tight ship now.

We are down to 9 in IT now from an original 25 or so about 2 years ago. (We had been down to 7 until recently when we insisted we actually couldn't function like that.)

Anyway, I started there in June last year, so have not even been there a year. I never had my probation review after my first 3 months and when my then new IT Manager started at around that time and I mentioned this in our first meeting he joked, 'Oh well, consider this your exit interview then'. (I laughed but was a tad freaked out anyway - we are now good friends though and) he has since left and we now have no IT Manager. I took over some of his duties, as well as taking on many of the tasks of the one developer who left (mostly the sys admin and support parts of his role, not the serious dev part) and the tasks of the Office Admin and Support Job coordinator and well general IT flunky and dog's body.

It's been busy and often stressful (especially the monthly billing! Much swearing and cursing around that, but the 'Nebraska sized' stored proc billing query does help), but I like working there and it is very convenient (a few kms from both home and the boy's school) and it really suits my lifestyle (I work from 8:00 - 16:00). It is a fun, interesting and vibrant group of people too and the work is varied and interesting. So I have just kept quiet, sucked it up and done my job. I have also kept trying to keep the guys here motivated and not let any more of the really good guys try to leave!

Well we have just had a PA season, with feedback which was due on Friday. (I have been so busy I only did my PA reviews an hour before they were due!). There were issues with the system too so I had to do some rapid virtual tap-dancing and running up and down coordinating and begging and coercing devs to help fix it pronto. Including literally running to my desk and tripping over a wire and coming THIS close to face planting on the corner of my desk! But we pulled it off and it seemed to work, in a very bespoke and clunky way anyway.

I have been worried that our department is being seen as unapproachable, harried and unresponsive (because we are frikken busy and simply under resourced and moral has been a bit low at times). So was concerned about the kind of feedback we'd get this time around. Really all I have wanted is to keep my job. I do need it!

Well I was called in today. With me being me (and after that previous experience at my last job where I was crapped on for EVERY LITTLE THING - it was seriously ridiculous. I worked harder than ever there and it was truly thankless, I HATED that job.) I was a bit paranoid, thinking I was going to be chastised for Internet browsing, or something even worse... I didn't even want to think it.

So I slunk in to be told I got great feedback from the PA 360 degree reviews and they are happy with what I have been doing and that I have 'made a huge difference to the face of IT' and everyone is happy. So they want to formalise my new role and change my title to recognise it and said a communication out to the company so that everyone knows. So I am not only keeping my job, but getting a promotion to official 'IT Team Leader' and a 5% increase.

I am very happy! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Day of Good News : Bad News

Today has been filled with good news vs. bad news.

I gave up on my laptop last night when it just froze and refused to reboot and then I found my wireless router dead too. NOOOOOO! I woke up this morning hoping it would magically work again ... but

Bad News - Laptop still wouldn't turn on.

Good New - it finally did! YAY. After some man handling, praying (yes I did!) and cursing.
Good News - last night I managed to update all AV (3, yes I have 3 programs for anti-virus, anti-spy-bot and anti-malware) programs before it froze.
Good News - got them all up and scanning away industriously before I left this morning

Bad News - This meant I didn't leave home very early, despite my best intentions of getting to the voting polls nice and early.

Good News - had good 3km run to voting station.

Bad News - I only got there at 08:55
Bad News - LONG queue already
Bad News - very SLOW moving queue

Good News - I had my iPOD so just relaxed and listened to music

Bad News - cell battery was almost flat (long phone call last night when my web access and laptop died)
Bad News - the kids were alone at home! (I was intending to just nip out and back and not take too long!)

Good News - I finished voting in 'only' 1.5 hours
Good News - I work 1km from the voting station
Good News - There were people there working today
Good News - My cell charger was there
Good News - I had a good run there
Good News - I pointed and laughed at all the ppl working today (I am evil I know)

Bad News - phoned boys... got no answer! o.O

Good News - phoned neighbour, they were there, happy as larks.
Good News - Neighbours know us well so child welfare had not been called. ;)

Bad News - The boys left the house unlocked.

Good News - I told them to lock it, so they did.
Good News - Boys and neighbour said no need to rush back
Good News - Ran to Cavendish +- 2km
Good News - Popped into Total Sports

Bad News - I was sweaty and stinky (LOL) Poor shop assistants.

Good News - They have MY SHOES, R400 cheaper than I have seen them so far! =) Glee! (I have been drooling over these for weeks and have tried them on about 6 times now, but every time I look at them they are still R1300+. Total Sports has them marked down to R869. That's a huge saving. I MUST have them!!! I have 2 pairs of Asics Cumulus trainers already and they have each done well over 1500km so I do need a new pair, and these shoes rock. No pain, blisters, injuries or physio bills. It's definitely worth getting a good shoe.)

Bad News - They don't have my size :((

Good News - They had even BETTER shoes too... for R999 (instead of R1600)

Bad News - But they were half a size too small. So not quite in my size :`(. I WANTED them! But couldn't justify spending more, especially since they weren't perfect.

Good News - They searched the online stock system and found a pair, in my size, at another branch. :)

Bad News - They are at East Gate in JHB.

Good News - They'll send them down for me!

Bad News - I will cost R35 (But really that's not so bad...)
Bad News - They won' get them here in time for me to be able to wear them at my Half Marathon debut, for the Safari Half (It's ok though, I'll survive.)

Good News - After that I ran to the Claremont gym
Good News - They still had the stuff the boys left there on Sunday. *roll eyes*
Good News - I ran 4km home.
Good News - Came home to find boys alive and well and house secure.
Good News - All virus scans had completed and there were no viruses AT ALL on laptop

Bad News - Had a serious carb craving at lunch time. Oh well did 10km I earned them ;)

Good News - I had a bath to remove stinky and sweaty and de-fuzzed myself.

Bad News - Wireless Router remained DEAD.

Good News - Today was a public holiday so I had time and Canal Walk is always open. So off we went to ferret out a replacement, or even better to fix the one we had.

Bad News - No sooner did we arrive than ex phoned to ask about this evening's visit with the boys. (I mailed him about it yesterday and he did not respond!)
Bad News - He declined offer to collect them from me at Canal Walk. Bugger.

Good News - He said not to rush (too much).

Bad News - Computer Mania guy was not too clued up and could not understand what I was saying about trying to test the faulty unit to establish whether it was just the power supply or the whole thing which was FUBAR. I gave up trying.

Good News - Same dude didn't know much about time zones or the laptop he was trying to help a foreign tourist with. I helped her chop-chop. She was grateful.
Good News - They had replacement wireless routers.

Bad News - Another R650 down.
Bad News - In Canal Walk, must spend money! Ended up in a shoe shop (I am not even a 'shoe person'), spent R270.

Good News - Now have comfy brown boots. *woot*

Bad News - Had to dash home, so boys could see dad.

Good News - Couldn't spend any more money.

Bad News - Ex's cell phone was off when we called to tell him we were on the way home.
Bad News - 7pm came and went and no sign of him. We were home well before 6pm.

Good News - Got my new router set up and connected in literally no time.

Bad News - I can't secure the network though because the published IP address I am supposed to be able to connect to is not working. Ack. (Ag whatever, tomorrow's problem!)

Good News - Q finally got hold of his dad, who said he'd come get them. So off they went.

Bad News - They were back 10-15 mins later... they said dad said he was 'sick' :/

Good News - They got a Steers take-away.
Good News - They are so sweet they shared with me.
Good News - The roses are still looking spectacular and have opened nicely. They must be some of the nicest roses I have ever got. :)
Good News - I am now reclined on the couch, legs up with cup of tea, and connected with my laptop via wireless, YAY! :)

All in all I think there was more good than bad, so the day was a nett positive :)

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

The boys on the election...

We had this conversation in the car on Sunday:

Me: 'Hey guys check out all those posters, who would you vote for?'
Q:' Um I like 'Vote and Win' Hey isn't that Helen Zille?'
Me: 'Yes that's the DA'
G: 'I am voting for Jacob Zuma. You have to vote for him he is the next president' (Huh?? WTF did you get that from dude!!??)
Q: 'No you can't vote for Jacob Zuma, he is BAD. He's a bum-hole!'

Not sure if a 9 year old can get sued for slander/defamation but there you go... ;)
and Thank goodness G is too young to vote!


VOTE tomorrow or STFU*!!!

*Shut The Fuck Up - no vote = no complaining. Simple as that! ;)

I am your air

THIS LINK was sent to me the other day... do yourself a favour and watch it!

>I have watched it 3 times now and have been totally mesmerized and entranced every time. It has a very deep primal emotional affect and evokes feelings of awe, upliftment, yearning, desire, contentment & fulfilment in me. Heck it is almost spiritual.

Although it is Spanish (and I can even understand a few of the words/phrases*) it makes me think of Italy and the fact that I have ALWAYS wanted to go there. I know I will, it is my next must go destination for sure.

* I am your air, I am your water...

Sunday, 19 April 2009

There is a sacredness in tears.

I don't cry often or much. But when I do it's because I have been really moved to, and it's significant - to me anyway. I have often been made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of having cried. For being weak, silly or fallible.

But I believe what is said below:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

I think crying shows you care, you are not dead inside. You feel, you hurt, you love, you are ALIVE!

I have not cried for a while again. I have no need to right now. But next time I do feel moved to cry I will not be ashamed of it.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

I dream in emails

I am having a quiet Saturday evening at home, just me and my music. It's cold out and being cozy at home seemed like the right thing to do. I am not alone. The boys are here watching a movie, but I have my head phones on and am listening to music which is meaningful to me, for reasons known only to me.

My musical taste is pretty diverse and not genre specific. I need good lyrics, and then a good tune too. It can be rock, pop, alternative etc but it needs to talk to me, both to my conscious and my primal sub-conscious. I usually find that if I like the 'sound' of a song subconsciously, that when I tune in and really LISTEN to it, I really relate to the lyrics too. I am a bit of a soppy romantic when it comes to songs often. But do steer clear of the total cheese.

What I also find, too often for it to be a coincidence, is that as I have a thought/feeling/experience the next song that will play on my play list, or even the radio, will relate directly to it, and almost feel like a message to me. Does this happen to anyone else?

Anyway this song is not one I have actually heard before and I just happened to stumble on it tonight. I am not yet sure if it is a 'good' song or not, but these lyrics spoke loudly.

KEANE - "Perfect Symmetry"

I shake through the wreckage for signs of life
Scrolling through the paragraphs
Clicking through the photographs

I wish I could make sense of what we do
Burning down the capitols
Wisest of the animals

Who are you, what are you living for
Tooth for tooth, maybe we'll go one more

This life, is lived in perfect symmetry
What I do, that will be done to me

Write page after page of analysis
Looking for the final score
We're no closer than we were before

Who are you, what are you fighting for
Holy truth, brother I chose this mortal life
lived in perfect symmetry

What I do, that will be done to me
As the needle, slips into the run out groove
Love, maybe you feel it too

And maybe you find, life is unkind
and over so soon
There is no golden gate
There's no heaven waiting for you

Oh boy you oughta leave this town
get out while you can
the needle's running out
The voices in the streets you love
everything is better when you hear that shout

Spineless dreamers, hide in churches
Pieces of pieces of rush hour buses
I dream in emails, worn out phrases
Mile after mile of just empty pages

Wrap yourself around me
Wrap yourself around me

As the needle, slips into the run out groove
Maybe I'll feel it too
Maybe you'll feel it too
Maybe you'll feel it too
Maybe you'll feel it too

I dream in emails, worn out phrases
mile after mile of just empty pages

Take only what you need from it

I am frikken LOVING this song at the moment. I don't know why but it just resonates in me...

MGMT - Kids

You were a child
Crawling on your knees toward him
Making momma so proud
But your voice is too loud
We like to watch you laughing
Picking insects off of plants
No time to think of consequences

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it *
A family of trees wanting to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it

The water is warm
But it's sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention
Memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decisions too
Decisions are made
Decisions are made and not bought
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot
I guess not

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted to be haunted

(* Some references say him instead of it. But my interpretation is that it is about moderation, self control and looking after the planet, taking only what you need.)

Friday, 17 April 2009

Surprises, Quotes & Roses...

More and more I realise that life is full of interesting surprises... strange unexpected bouts of serendipity/kismet pop-up when you were not even looking for them at all. When you open yourself up to these you allow yourself to think, feel, experience and be things you didn't even imagine. This is what makes life memorable and what guides the course of your life giving you the possibility of experiencing the extraordinary.

Sometimes the end result is great pain, sadness and anguish, but often it also results in joy, happiness, fun, excitement, comfort, contentment and even love. The are the feelings of being alive, present and living life!

Who knows? Sure if you don't try you can't fail, but then you also can't succeed. All our experiences, choices and actions make us who we are. You have to own who you are, and move forward with that. This is why I do not regret things that have happened to me, things I have done or decisions I have taken. They have made me me.

These quotes are talking to me right now:

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them"

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you’ve found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for."

"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."

Finally, just LOOK at these beautiful surprise roses! I am overwhelmed by their perfection. I don't want to say more for fear of jinxing it. But I am very much enjoying them.

“Avoid being impatient. Remember time brings roses.”

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Pics from the last week

Our Easter Hunt on Sunday:

The boys got cycling shirts for Easter too:

They love them! Wink We went for a run/cycle to the gym to try them out. Quinn wore his shirt for 2 full days.

Roxy's Birthday Last week:

Roxy's first Birthday was last week. We celebrated a few days late when the boys got back from their dad. Shhhh... don't tell Roxy.

I went to a shrink to analyze my dreams

Not really, but I like the line after that ;).

Green Day - Basket Case

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or I'm just stoned

I went to a shrink
To analyse my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Uh, yuh, yuh, ya

Grasping to control
So I better hold on

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or I'm just stoned

There's no major hidden meanings in that, I just heard the song a couple of times today and like it. I am not (or am no longer at least) a Basket Case. It does bring back memories of my varsity days in Pretoria though. And I've been reminiscing about Varsity and Pretoria recently...

I am in a rather chipper mood today actually. I am more or less on top of the my daunting workload and life is settling into a nice pace again. Plus I have new focus and a major goal...

Oh right, I haven't mentioned it here yet. I have taken up a challenge, yep with my same Beer-Challenge buddies from last time. S&J who I basically slaughtered. LOL. They have since competed in the IRON MAN, so they have called for a 'double or nothing' re-match. I was like, 'Sure, bring it on!', until they said the next round must be a half-marathon. That's 21.1km people... as in more than double my usual distance! At first I said, 'No freaking way', but then they insisted we needed to even the playing field to give them a fighting chance. We bantered for a while and then my competitive nature started coming, out and before I knew it I had agreed and then I had entered. WTF was I thinking!?!

So yeah I am running* the Safari Half on 1 May - the day after my 35th Birthday. Go me!

So in between fits of total denial, I am now training for a half marathon. Who would have thunk it!?

I have booked accommodation for the night before for the boys and I. So we will spend my birthday in Wellington where we'll grab a pizza or something for dinner. And then get an early night before I wake up early to, hopefully, make the dudes eat my dust again! If not, at least I will have tried. This time I will be sure to take a lot of beer money with me. I suspect I will need it ;)

* Look running may be too strong a word, it's more likely to be a walk... or shuffle if I am lucky. But what have I got to lose - wait don't answer that!

When different = good

Music to my ears...

'Grumpy MoFo' (Our Network Engineer) to 'Flange' (our DBA), 'You are like a woman, you never bloody shut-up!' (I think they secretly love each other, but anyway...)

B (Our director), 'Erm, I think you just offended Jane'

J (ME!), 'Nah I don't get offended easily, and anyway I tend to agree!'

Grumpy MoFo, 'No. Jane's different, she is a techie man. She's not like any other woman.'


QOTD - Courage

I lifted this off Cath Jenkin's blog:

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says “I will try again tomorrow” - Mary Anne Radmacher

If nothing else I do keep going and every day is a new start for me. No matter what happens I pretty much always wake up feeling optimistic and ready to keep going, keep trying again, or simply start again, again.

I am not certain if this is courage or just dogged tenacity though. ;)

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

This River (of life) Is Wild

This River Is Wild - The Killers

The leaves are falling down on the beautiful ground
I heard a story from the man in red
He said the leaves are falling down
Such a beautiful sound
Son, I think you better go ahead

But you always hold your head up high
Cause it's a long, long, long way down
This town was meant for passing through
Boy, it ain't nothin' new
Now go and show 'em that the world stayed round
But it's a long, long, long way down

You better run for the hills before they burn

Listen to the sound of the world
Then watch it turn
I just wanna show you what I know
Then catch you in the current and let you go

Or I should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here
All night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky
This river is wild
This river is wild...

Run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
Then watch it turn
Sometimes I'm nervous when I talk
Sometimes I hate the line I walk

I just wanna show you what I know
Then catch you in the current and let you go

Or I should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here
All night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky
Because this river is wild
Godspeed ya, boy
This river is wild

Now Adam's taking bombs
And he's stuck on his mom
Because that bitch keeps trying to make him pray
He's met the hippie in the park
Comin' over the dark
Just trying to get some of that little girl play

You better run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
Then watch it turn

Or I should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here
All night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky
The pain is hell in me tonight
Because this river is wild
Godspeed ya, boy
This river is wild
This river is wild
Godspeed ya, boy
This river is wild

Now the cars are everywhere
Face the dust at the fairground
I don't think I've ever seen so many headlights
But there's something pulling me
The circus and their crew
Well they're just passing through
Making sure that merry still goes 'round
But it's a long, long, long way down

Monday, 13 April 2009

Goldfish are awesome and feelings are ok.

I'm not really feeling inspired to blog this week-end... will catch up later in the week with Easter pics etc. But the Easter week-end has turned out pretty serendipitously good. I have processed a lot of stuff that's been lurking in the depths, understood a few 'Inconvenient Truths' (private joke - LMAO) and I do think I have moved on. Some things just don't work out and even though it may hurt at the time, it's better then trying to maintain a fantasy and to allow it to get more complicated and messy.

So as always I am fine and will be fine. Despite my recent display of emo updates around the web. Tacky as it may appear from the outside, I find it really helps, and my cyber-friends are my support base. Sometimes just getting something out there makes it feel not so bad, or even ok again.

I may be slightly more guarded and cautious again now, but I don't think I want to act, feel or appear hard, unfeeling or even super strong. I know am strong, I am capable, I am independent and as always I don't NEED any one. But at the same time I am also emotional and I do feel deeply and care about a lot of things, and despite that sometimes being unsettling and scary, I do actually think this is a good thing. So no catatonic state for me thanks. I also don't think I need to be a 'guy' anymore either.

Anyway moving along....
The boys and I went to see Goldfish last night - along with most of Cape Town.

I have wanted to see them for ages and they totally did not disappoint. It was absolutely awesome! I had an absolute ball. So much so that I don't have one single photo. *gasp* How did that happen?! I am a bit disappointed about that now, but really I was just having far too much fun at the time. We met friends for a yummy picnic before and then I ran in to do my 16 year old impersonation right in the front (I'll blame the red wine ;) ). I do believe I shall be sharing my groupie status equally between them and The Parlotones now ;) They really are very very good.

Afterwards we went out for coffees. It was a really fun evening. Sadly the Kirstenbosch Sunset Concerts are now over, as is summer. But a new season brings changes and new experiences, and that's exciting. This is the start of 2009 - Part 2. Stay tuned.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

You made me happier than I'd been by far

"You Could Be Happy" - Snow Patrol (<- this video is killing me)

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

i'm just looking i'm not buying

"Just Looking" - Stereophonics

there's things i want
there's things i think i want
there's things i've had
there's things i wanna have
do i want the dreams
the ones we're forced to see
do i want the perfect wife
the word perfect ain't quite right
shopping every day
take it back the next break
they say the more you fly the more you
risk your life
i'm just looking i'm not buying
i'm just looking keeps me smiling
a house i seen another coulda' been
you drenched my head and said what i said
you said that life is what you make of it
yet most of us just fake
i'm just looking, i'm not buying
i'm just looking, keeps me smiling

What if...

Coldplay - What if

What if there was no light.
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme?
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song..
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.

Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Oooooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try?
Oooooh, that's right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life.
That you don't want me there by your side.

Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side.
Oooooh, that's right
How can you know it when you don't even try?
Oooooh, that's right

Oooooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooooh, that's right
You know that darkness always turns into light
Oooooh, that's right.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

(I'm) Fine Again

Fine Again - Seether

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no colour to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

Do you feel loved?

I don't.

No one has ever loved me. Accepted me, and and allowed me to just be who I am.

No one. Ever.

Except my children I suppose. Who are always there. They let me sing badly, they laugh with me, dance with me. They see me naked and don't judge me. They play with me, cry with me, hug me and tell me they love me. They are my ONLY authentic relationship in the whole world. I don't have to hide what I think or feel from them. They GET me. I am so thankful I have them.

I sincerely hope that they feel the same about me, and that they KNOW that I love and accept them as they are.

I need to stop caring about anyone else and wanting anyone else to love me or notice me. I am wasting my time, my feelings, my energy, my love.

I'll keep it for my boys and myself for now. We are enough.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Spar 10km 4th time a charm!

I ran my 4th Spar Ladies Race yesterday. This was my first ever 10km race back in 2006 and I ran it again in 2007 and 2008 too.

I really like this race. Sure it is commercial, busy, full of walkers and has a really congested start. But the vibe, spirit, support infrastructure, people and amazing goodie bag more than make up for it. Plus it has a nice civilized start time, is a good manageable course and I have been able to make good times running this race every year with a steady improvement each year too - who wouldn't like that!? :) So I DO like it and it is in my race diary every year.

This year I took the boys along with me. We managed to get up on time (I had a split second when my alarm went off at 6am and I thought it was a mistake and I nearly turned it off and then remembered 'oh crap, I have to run a race!') and got ready and left on time and with relative calm (ok we had a bad incident at home with the dog but it turned out fine so the less said about that the better!). Once we got there I got the boys settled into the stadium area, did the obligatory pre-race pee stop and then made my way to the front - yes I do push in, especially with this race and yes I do do it shamelessly. Look there are about 5000 doing this race and a lot of them WALK, but they want to start right at the front and they are in the way if you want to run and it is very irksome. So now I push in front of them and so they are not in my way and I am not it their way either. I consider it seeding ;) So I started right near the front, in line with the starting gun and only a dozen or so meters from the start line where the race horses (I mean serious competitive athletes) start. Still as the gun went off the lady in front of me simply started walking and I had to dodge around her. *rolls eyes*

The weather was perfect too, it was overcast to the point of misty and cool, but the mist was lifting leaving a mild windless morning. Ideal really. I didn't even feel the need to wear a cap.

So the race started and I set off. I felt pretty good. The first km passed pretty easily. I didn't feel I was running top speed but I didn't fee too sluggish either so I just kept going. At 3km I spotted the port-a-loos and although I didn't really need them I ducked in deciding to make sure my bladder was nicely empty rather then risking feeling the need to pee later in the race. So I peed quickly and set off again down the hill. I hit 4km still feeling ok but tiring a tad at the bottom of the long hill up Carl Cronje Drive. As my energy was flagging I saw none other than my colleague Tyrone on the side of the road, I yelled out and waved and got a burst of energy and motivation to run up the hill a bit more strongly.

Soon after that was a coke table so I grabbed a coke and stopped to walk while I glugged it in 3 sips, before setting off at a run again. At 7km just after rounding the top of the hill and feeling a bit tired again there was a Powerade stop. So I again walked while I chugged my cup of Powerade. I had just started running again when I saw (Lindy's) Paul still heading up the hill on the other side, I yelled and waved and then decided to just get the race finished. Paul is fast and I thought he might have chased me, which gave me a bit of a challenge so I let gravity engage and I pretty much went for it! LOL.

I pounded down the hill and finally hit 9km at which point you might as well give your all as 'the end is nigh'. So I thundered along made my way to the stadium and around the athletics track... as I approached the finish I could not see the clock cos Nigel or whatever the announcer guy's name is was standing in the damn way. I was hoping it was about 54 minutes and not over 55 yet. With that he stepped aside and I saw it was on 51... HUH!??? I surged forward excitedly and crossed the line at 51:33 with arms in the air as if I was winning an Olympic gold or something. Woo-flippen-hoo. That was my fastest time EVAR! A personal best. Yayayay!!!

I went through the gate and rounded the corner to collect my medal when I spotted the boys sitting on the fence waiting for me. It was so nice to see them there and for once to have someone supporting me and waiting for me!

It was a fantastic race and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We saw Lindy, Paul and some other weird and wonderful people at the end. The boys are keen to try the km next year actually...

My results over the years have been as follows:

Spar Ladies Race 2006:
Total number of 10km finishers = 4351
- Me - #469 = 00:58:12 - so I just missed the top 10%.

Spar Ladies Race 2007:
Total number of 10km finishers = 3957
- Me - #204 = 00:54:16 - so I shaved nearly 4 minutes off my time, even though the course was tougher. I finished in the top 5.5% :)

Spar Ladies Race 2008:
Total number of 10km finishers = 4847
- Me - # 177 = 00:52:26 - top 3.7%

Saturday, 4 April 2009

I met Laura!

This post is very over due, but it's been a crazy week and I just haven't had time to sit quietly and get it out...

On Monday night I FINALLY met Laura(Kim). I have 'known' Laura via the Internet for 2 years now. Laura is a strong, brave, lady with the courage of her convictions. She stands up for what she believes in and has a lot of gumption and drive. At times this can make her seem a bit intimidating, and I'll admit at first on the discussion board we met on, I was a little 'scared' of her. She was one of the senior members and as a newbie I feared her as one of the sort of inner-circle with power to wield... LOL.

Anyway it soon became apparent that Laura is merely personally and principally strong, but is not in shape or form a bully or meany, and I started to like her more and more. When she started her blog I began following it and getting to know more about her and her life and I really got to see what a wonderful person she is.

She has given me some great advice and support in the past year, for which I am very grateful. I consider her my dating, single mom and relationship guru of sorts ;). At one point in Oct last year I even had an encounter with a man, and rather than my usual, back down and away and let the opportunity pass, I had a WWLD (What Would Laura Do?) think and let that guide me. LOL ;)

So when I heard she was going to be in Cape Town for this past week I was very keen to meet her! The meet was arranged for Laura, myself, and 2 other ladies (Tess and Meriel) to get together. But then Meriel's son got injured in hockey and the boys and I (and then their nanny) were struck down with a stomach bug and our meet seemed doomed.

We decided at the last minute to JUST DO IT though and so Laura, my boys and I met at Cape To Cuba (I LOVE THAT PLACE) on Monday night. Unfortunately I was not feeling great still so I didn't eat (sorry about that Laura!) which was a great pity as I love the food there! It didn't stop me from having a Mojito though - as not much would! The boys were luckily well on the mend by then and gobbled down some calamari. Anyway the point is...

I finally met Laura! Yay.

I am so glad I did. While her inner strength and confidence is apparent, it is packaged in the most pretty, natural, comfortable, gentle, soft spoken, warm and almost unassuming class. Laura you really are amazing and I admire you so much. It was really lovely to meet you!

p.s. Sorry I had to bring my boys along with me, and had my 'bad hair day' funny hat on! LOL.

p.p.s. I only took 2 bad photos will try to u/l something when I get a chance ;)

Friday, 3 April 2009

Quinn Aced It!!!

So who remembers the saga with Quinn and his teacher thinking he should have stayed in Grade 3, and us even considering putting him back into Grade 3, 3 weeks into Grade 4 in Feb???? Anyone?

Well, here is the child's report for Term 1 of Grade 4:

- English - 3 - 64.5%
- Afrikaans - 3 - 66.6%
- Xhosa - 2 - 35% (ok that's not good but it was damn difficult, I couldn't do it! I am not worried at this stage It's a 3rd language after all)
- Mathematics - 4 - 88.2% (and she thought he was in the bottom 8 of the grade!)
- History - 4 - 73.3%
- Geography - 4 - 92.8%
- Natural Science - 4 - 80%
- EMS (what's that?) 4 - 90%

- Life Orientation - 4 -70%
- Physical Education - 3 - 50%

- Computers - 4 - 70%
- Design - 2 - 25% (Erm, I think this is wrong, this is the bead & bracelet project which the teacher apparently LOST!)

- Music - 4 - 79%
- Art - 4 - 75%

Teacher's Comments: "Quinn is a polite and enthusiastic member of the class. After a very shaky start, he has settled down to produce some very pleasing results. His hand writing has improved and I would like to commend him for trying so hard. Well done Quinn."

I can not describe how proud of him I feel right now. I KNEW he could do it!!!

He is not here now - I was out and the boys are with their Dad tonight - I just got home and dug it out of his school bag but I am simply BEAMING now.

Guess who is getting taken out for pizza tomorrow? And he has more than earned his Egyptology book, which I will present to him tomorrow, possibly with an extra surprise too.

I am so impressed with him. WOW!
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Roxys Sock Jersey

It's been getting a bit chillier here recently over night and Roxy doesn't have much padding so she sits and shivers if it gets even a bit cold.

The boys want to buy her a jersey for her birthday - which is on the 7th of April. The other night I got the bright idea to make her a make-shift jersey out of one of my old baggy socks (they are about 20 years old now!).

I wanted to make sure she would wear a jersey and not flip out before spending money on one. She looked a tad humiliated and constipated with it on but otherwise it worked well.

Of course it got hot immediately afterwards, so it is now off again.

National Cleavage Day

I blogged about this last year as well... *

Today is:

National Cleavage Day (abbreviated NCD) is an annual celebration in South Africa held in the month of April and sponsored by the brassiere marketer Wonderbra. National Cleavage Day was started in 2002 and held at the beginning of April every year. Wonderbra together with the Cosmopolitan magazine and 5fm, a SABC radio station mainly based in Johannesburg, sponsored the National Cleavage Day.

Consider it your civic duty to erm 'support' it! ;)

* I don't have that much, but I do what I can! :)

Thursday, 2 April 2009

This is why you are fat, This is why you are thin.

There is this website called THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT (Where Dreams become heart attacks)

Check it out, it is full of ludicrously unhealthy lard filled concoctions, most of which look revolting... See these examples:

Meat Cake (made with minced meat and mash)

Two Pound McDonald’s Cheeseburger
Two Pound McDonald’s Cheeseburger (submitted by Spanno via flickr)

The Loco Moco A bed of rice topped with a large burger patty topped with a fried egg covered in brown gravy.
The Loco Moco A bed of rice topped with a large burger patty topped with a fried egg covered in brown gravy. (submitted by Malberry via flickr)

The Mega Mel Burger Burger consisting of five pounds of beef, one pound of bacon and a quarter pound of cheese.
The Mega Mel Burger  Burger consisting of five pounds of beef, one pound of bacon and a quarter pound of cheese. (submitted by Matt Western via melscountycafe)

I showed the site and pics to Quinn and here are some quotes from him:
"Eeeuw, gross, that's sick..."
" I can't believe people would eat that!" "

"Eeeuuw, gross, .... not even DADDY could eat that!"
"Who would EAT that???"
".... click on next, I wanna see some more!" Wink

Check THIS out...


Although I'll admit it is hard to pull yourself away from the site once you start browsing it, it is a little addictive (as junk food is I guess!)... Still you can actually feel your arteries hardening and a your level of health and wellbeing fading with each minute that you stare at them!


So now Jennifer McCann of Vegan Lunchbox fame has started a site called:

This Is Why You Are Thin (Inspiring images of the things that make and keep us healthy).

It's supposed to be a visual catalogue of healthy food and activities that make you want to eat or do something GOOD for you. It's a nice idea, I like it. So I sent a bunch of submissions in. One of which she has used already... no prizes if you guessed what it is...

Other cool images so far include:

So which do you prefer???