P.S.

P.S. - James

You're a weapon of devotion
Keep the faithful entertained
You're a lover of attention
Found a way to pawn the soul
Disposition may be fetching
But the world moves on and leaves you far behind

I hear you, I hear you, whispering such gorgeous stories
I see you, I see you, trying to break free
You liar, you liar, you can't live the dreams you're spinning
You liar, love to be deceived

You're falling, you're falling, falling from your god-like distance
You're fashion, just fashion, fashion doesn't keep
You're sour, so sour, all is hope and trust is misplaced
You're sour, now you are alone

Walking on fire, feel the way the world's inclining
Walking on fire, hate to deceive
Walking on fire, now the world will keep its distance
Walking on fire, you rather than me

My son says, dear father, what did you do when the world turned over
Keep spinning, keep spinning, send us off to sleep
You liar, you liar, all your words are just dust in moonshine
You liar, love to be deceived

Walking on fire, found a place away from humans
Walking on fire, hate to deceive
Walking on fire, now the world will keep its distance
Walking on fire, you rather than me

Egg donation: I layed the eggs

Ok, the egg donation is done! :)

Wow. I have such mixed feelings right now elation & happiness that I have done it and it went well. But also some disappointment & trepidation (read on to see why) - that it wasn't as good as I had hoped for (am I an over achiever?)...

I went in to the clinic at 10am by which time I could feel some ovulation sensitivity and a feeling of 'fullness' in my lower abdomen, but I was otherwise fine. I was told to expect that. I had to wait till about 11 before I was called. But I had some nice phone chats and read some magazines. I actually like unexpected free time when there is nothing to do but relax (unless I am in a rush of course).

When I was called I went through got into my gown and sat on a comfy recliner with a blankie - cosy & relaxing!

The anaesthetist came to see me and make sure I was all ok for the anaesthetic, and then my friend Liz (the theatre manager) came to chat to me which was nice. She is lovely.

I heard someone waking up behind a curtain and she was moaning, groaning and creating quite a scene - asking for pain meds, but refusing to eat, wake up, or sit up or anything. Saying things like 'No. I want to go to sleep and sleep through the pain!' erk :/

So when I was taken in I said 'Can I ask what she had done?'
Liz said, 'Same thing you are having'.
I thought OMG! Yikes! Didn't seem like fun at all. But Liz assured me that different people cope differently, so I wasn't too worried.

Anyway, the anaesthetist came and inserted the drip and then brought out a huge syringe filled with white stuff. I said 'What on earth is that!?' o.O
He said something like 'Milk of amnesia - good night!' and with that I was out.

Next thing I knew I was being woken up in the recovery bed (behind that curtain) by the theatre sister, and felt ok. I was a bit dozy but otherwise felt pretty ok. After a while I felt some period type cramping but nothing really more than that. It is likely mostly from the Mirena anyway.

I have given birth with no meds 3 times, and had 2x Mirena inserted fully conscious, and had abdominal surgery (abdominus rectus muscle repair OUCH), and had a tattoo done - so I think my experience with pain, and ability to cope with it, is quite good.

They sat me up in the bed and brought me tea and a muffin. I actually really enjoyed those. They checked my blood pressure a few times which stayed normal at about 100/60.

After about 20 mins I was up and dressed and ready to go.

I went in to see the doc to get my medical certificate for the day off. I asked him how many eggs they got and I was very disappointed to hear there were only '4 good ones'. :/ So please pray that it is enough, and they are fertilized successfully, and 'take' in the recipient!

They must! I will be heartbroken if they have gone through all this time and expense with me and don't even get a viable result Sad :`(

Nurture were amazing though. I got a call before I went in, and then got given some flowers and a Lindt chocolate on the way out! They are so sweet and caring and bubbly. Love those gals! They are really doing an amazing thing with their business.

I also got an unexpected cash cheque - I actually wasn't expecting it at ALL... AND the recipients paid for my replacement Mirena... WOW! This is why I feel really bad now that they only got 4 eggs.

Please please please let it be worth it for them!

I don't think I can deposit the cheque until I know actually - and will give it back if it is not successful..... it would feel wrong to keep it.

I am now resting on my couch, I have some twinges if I walk around, but am otherwise completely fine, just a tad groggy from the meds and not completely mentally alert.

All in all the experience has been far easier than I expected and not bad at all.

If anyone is keen on doing it, I would say as long as you have a good attitude and are not freaked out by needles, scans and general procedures: GO FOR IT! (don't forget to tell them I referred you) ;)

So I married an axe murderer

What's the perfect gift to give someone who is not only on mega hormone doses but ALSO about to get divorced?

It's obvious!

Brave, stupid, clever ...? You decide.

But OMFG I LOVE IT!!! *efg*

Thank-you! :)

Egg donor udate: Nearly time to lay

I'm just back from my last gynae visit before the big day on Friday, when I go in for the egg retrieval procedure.

All is still looking good, and the gynae seems happy.

I am still impressed at how simple and really easy this has been. I had expected it to be way worse. I have gained 2kgs and have been feeling a bit emotional and lazy, but I really don't think I can blame that all on this, although I am sure it has played a role... But otherwise I have had no pain or even discomfort and have pretty much felt normal.

Some stats if you are interested:
- Number if viable eggs I am growing - 8-10 (Octuplets anyone!?!)
- Number of scans (internal - Gynae TV FTW! ;)) I have had - 5
- Number of injections I have given myself - 11 (another 2 to go)
- Number of injections the gynae has given me - 5 (and drew blood once)
- Current size of eggs - 18 (I am unsure of the measurement units)

Now I have to inject myself with Lucrin at exactly 12am tonight and 12pm tomorrow morning... Timing is critical for this, and this is the last stage in maturing the eggs and making sure they are ready at exactly the right time. This time the jabs are with normal hypodermic syringes. Fun fun fun!

I go in on Friday morning and should be home at around lunch time, where I will need to rest for the afternoon.

I am getting my Mirena replaced at the same time, so in a couple of week I should be back to normal again.

I'll suspend my final judgments until after the retrieval on Friday, but so far this really hasn't been bad at all, and not as inconvenient as I was expecting either. The process has been efficient, well managed, friendly, caring and pretty simple really. Although I won't be doing it again - this is a once off for me, I am getting a bit old, and I only wanted to do it once anyway - I would certainly encourage others who want to do it to go for it.

D-Day

So it is official I am getting divorced on Tuesday, 2 September 2008.

I was married on 2 Jan 1998.

So that is 10 years 8 months to the day.

___________________________________

I have conflicting feelings about this:
- Sadness
- Relief
- Guilt
- Like a failure
- Embarrassment
- Inadequacy
- Defeat
- Exhaustion
- Hope
- Used
- Optimism
- Trepidation
- Damaged
- Fear
- Old
- Defiance
- Uncertainty
- Peace
- Surrender
- Resolve
- Courage

Sadly it had to happen, and I have to move on now, and be myself. By myself.

After all my life motto is:

"This above all else to thine own self be true"

A new start, in a new season. Spring.

OMG I had a mullet!

This is my class photo from Std 5 - Grade 7.

Euuurgh!

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Another egg donor update... cruising

I just got back from another scan...

Eggies are still growing well and all looks good and I feel fine. NO major symptoms at all any more (Unless raging horniness counts?? TMI again sorry! Again hard to pin point the cause of this, it could also be circumstantial.)

I had to have another 2x bum-jabs. Same as last time. I asked what the second one was for and it's basically more fertilizer to help them grow.

A mixture of FSH & LH hormones (Follical Stimulating Hormone and Luteinizing Hormone - I am impressed with myself that I remember all this, but I pretty much inhale any info related to human anatomy & physiology).

I have one more self jab tomorrow morning (that's FSH btw), and then I go back for a final scan on Wednesday, where I will get ANOTHER 2 bum-jabs. Just call me pincushion!

Then the big day is on Friday. I'll go in at around 11am (and be done by 1pm).