I am not my Mother's mother!

I have been wondering recently if everyone has screwed up mothers, or if it is just me (and DH) ...?

My whole life I have heard about these (possibly fictitious?) wonderful mothers in movies, books, during Oscar acceptance speeches, in celeb interviews etc etc. And well my mother wasn't - and still isn't. She did not make me feel loved, wanted, accepted, needed, cared for or nurtured, I never felt good enough, and yes that sucked, a lot....

Imagine at 6 years old being left outside your school for hours at a time, because she couldn’t be bothered to come and collect you on time. Once not being collected at all. By my second year of school I had already learned to lie about the time I needed to be collected, to stand a better chance of it being within an hour of school finishing. I also walked (around 2.5km or so) if we lived in walking distance from where I was - although then I'd arrive to find an empty locked house most of the time.

But you know what? I grew up, moved on and got on with my own life. What else could I do? Early on I vowed that I would use the experience to make me different, and if anything I would learn how to NOT be from it.

As a result I am unerringly punctual, prompt, independent, reliable, organised, capable, responsible, accountable, and decisive - all the things she wasn't. Since having my kids I have had to make a point of being warm and loving with them, and actually had to *teach* myself to spontaneously hug, kiss and touch them and to remember to tell them that I love them - often. Those things did not come 100% naturally to me, because they were not taught to me.

So, I am not close to my mother and haven't been for a long time, if ever. I do not think about her much and don't see or speak to her often, and when I do it is only out of a sense of obligation rather than love or affection. She has become a huge emotional burden to me in the last few years; as she gets older, more unstable, less likeable and frankly pathetic.

She is a perennial victim and blames everything on her tough times as a child - and granted she did have some bad experiences. She was an only child. Her dad was an irresponsible drop-out, her mom, while reportedly very sweet was unstable and was institutionalized when my mom was 13, and died when she was 21.

With her dad not caring for her adequately, she got herself sent to Durban in the hopes that an Uncle would look after her. She dropped out of school at 16 and had to support herself until she met my dad and married him at 19, having her first child 10 months later. She went on to have 4 children, which she was neither prepared for nor capable of parenting adequately. So not ideal, but other people have had bad luck and hard times too and have triumphed and made something of themselves, either despite, or because of it. She chooses to wallow in it and use it as an excuse to cop out.

Her second husband died last year in February and she went completely off the rails after that. She hasn't worked for years, and seems to expect the world just to support her. I tried to help out, telling her she needs to organise her life and make a plan, and even offering assistance - but I won’t do it for her, she needs to make the plans herself. She hasn't done anything really. She is still in the flat, which her step-son now owns and wants to sell, but she has done nothing.... and I am sick of hearing the same pointless stories.

I have a very strong feeling that since she was not a mother to me, why should I now be HER mother? It may sound mean, but it's how I feel, and it stems from my feelings of never having had a mother myself. My priority now is to protect and nurture my own family, which I have created.

It was her 60th birthday on Friday. So I decided, it would be nice to take her out for a special lunch on Saturday to celebrate. The meal was lovely; spending time with her was awful.

We had arranged to meet at 12:30. She arrived at 14:00. Typical! Of course the kids were starving by then.

After being seated for 10 minutes she started on her usual topics:
1) How terrible all men are
2) How terrible my father is
3) How terrible her second husband was
4) How terrible her step-son is
5) What a hard life she has had.

I have even started getting rude and cheeky about this and shouting 'Bingo' while she talks, and telling her that I play conversation bingo with her, and I see how quickly I can tick off her usual conversation topics. Yes, I am horrible, but the only way I can deal with it is to make a joke out of it.

Things got a bit confrontational at one point when Richard tried to point out to her that we had taken her out for a pleasant lunch and it may be nice if she behaved normally instead of showing off and being a spectacle. She could have asked about the children, our jobs or our lives rather than just alternately moaning about her life, or boasting about times when she had done men in when they had bought her crayfishes etc and had NOT got what they were after.

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I only hope that as they grow up and I age that I am not an embarrassment to my children.

I hope that they always know and feel that I love, accept, admire and support them no matter what. I will do what I can to ensure that they do, and that they feel good enough.

I vow that I will never make myself a burden to them.

If you have a good mother, be grateful.