Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Sunday, 27 July 2008


My mom is in hospital.

She has had an op to remove a section of her bowel and has been diagnosed with colon cancer. She starts chemo treatment next week.

It is her birthday tomorrow.

I have not seen her since her birthday exactly 2 years ago, when she behaved so atrociously (long long long story) that I decided not to see her again.

I have not spoken to her since the February after that, after she behaved even more appallingly in front of my father, step mother and sister - I am talking psycho sociopath behaviour here - when I told her never to contact me again...

My life has been much better without the stress of her in it... she never was a mother to me, and all of her children have issues of self worth and feelings of 'motherlessness' (and not in a drunk funny way either). I don't think it is any coincidence that all 3 of us had eating disorders and never ever feel good enough or really happy.

I have worked on myself, slowly but surely, and healed this on my own, with my children, and with some counseling, and through my doula work & 'mothering the mother'.

I prefer to live as if I do not have a mother.


Fuck. I do not want to see her, but I feel obliged. FUCK.


  1. That's a tough choice! (((HUGS)))

  2. If she died in a car accident, would you feel guilty for not seeing her before she died?
    Sjoe Jane. This is not easy. Guilt is a horrible thing.

  3. Hi Jane, I wish for you peace as you make your choice to see her or not.
    It's a tough choice.

  4. Hi Mel,

    No I wouldn't. I would feel relieved. That it was over. Honestly.

    In fact my biggest worry is that my ambivalence & apathy makes me a very terrible person.

    I have NO emotional bond to my mother at all at this point. And that is completely her doing.

    As far as I am concerned my job is to ensure I never do that to my boys.

  5. Moaning Myrtle29 July 2008 at 12:30

    It is a tough one. Sorry to hear about your mom though! I'm sure you will know what the right decision is for YOU.

  6. I'm sorry your Mom has not been proper in her relationship and I'm sorry about her cancer.

    mmmmmmmm is a tough choice.... if you have chosen to live your life without her in it, why are you reconsidering now?? Unless you are able to live with her in your life, again?

  7. As long as YOU are at peace with your decision to see or not see your mom, that is all that matters.

  8. this is kak!!! i will read on and hope you made a decision.

  9. oh shit, this is the end of your blog, i cant read on... SO? What you going to do?
    Okay, my point, if you go see her, you have done it, no matter what the outcome, if you dont, well then you might end up always wondering?.....