Shit.

My mom is in hospital.

She has had an op to remove a section of her bowel and has been diagnosed with colon cancer. She starts chemo treatment next week.

It is her birthday tomorrow.

I have not seen her since her birthday exactly 2 years ago, when she behaved so atrociously (long long long story) that I decided not to see her again.

I have not spoken to her since the February after that, after she behaved even more appallingly in front of my father, step mother and sister - I am talking psycho sociopath behaviour here - when I told her never to contact me again...

My life has been much better without the stress of her in it... she never was a mother to me, and all of her children have issues of self worth and feelings of 'motherlessness' (and not in a drunk funny way either). I don't think it is any coincidence that all 3 of us had eating disorders and never ever feel good enough or really happy.

I have worked on myself, slowly but surely, and healed this on my own, with my children, and with some counseling, and through my doula work & 'mothering the mother'.

I prefer to live as if I do not have a mother.

Now THIS.

Fuck. I do not want to see her, but I feel obliged. FUCK.