Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep

I have tickets to see The Killers in December. I CAN NOT WAIT!!!

A Dustland Fairytale - The Killers

A Dustland Fairytale beginning
With just another white trash county kiss
In '61
Long brown hair and foolish eyes

He'd look just like you'd want him to
Some kind of slick chrome American prince
Blue jean serenade
Moon River what'd you do to me
I don't believe you

Saw Cinderella in a party dress
But she was looking for a nightgown
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands
He's getting ready for the showdown
I saw the minute that I turned away
I got my money on a pawn tonight

A change came in disguise of revelation
Set his soul on fire
She said she always knew he'd come around
And the decades disappear
Like sinking ships but we persevere
God gives us hope
But we still fear what we don't know
Your mind is poison

Castles in the sky sit stranded, vandalized
The drawbridge is closing

Saw Cinderella in a party dress
But she was looking for a nightgown
I saw the devil wrapping up his hands
He's getting ready for the showdown
I saw the ending when they turned the page
I threw my money and I ran away

Straight to the valley of the great divide
Out where the dreams all hide
Out where the wind don't blow
Out here the good girls die
And the sky won't snow
Out here the bird don't sing
Out here the field don't grow
Out here the bell don't ring
Out here the bell don't ring

Out here the good girls die

Now Cinderella don't you go to sleep
It's such a bitter form of refuge
Well don't you know the kingdom's under siege
And everybody needs you
Is there still magic in the midnight sun
Or did you leave it back in '61?
In the cadence of a young man's eyes
Out where the dreams all hide

Talk to the hand

Dude, officially from now on...

Speak to the hand.

Don't talk to me...Kthksbye!

Eat, Sleep, Play (and Run & Read)

I took the boys to Pringle Bay for the long week-end and it was SO nice to get away - just the 3 of us, well the 3 of us plus Roxy. No one knew where we were and we just disappeared for a while.

I think we all needed that. To get out of the house, our neighbourhood, away from the phones, the Internet and usual routines and drama.

We stayed in a small but well equipped little house on a hill where we watched a lot of TV (something we haven't really done for months), read books (I managed to get through over 100 pages for the book I have been trying to finish for a year. It was fabulous and the end is now in sight) and magazines, cooked, ate (Far too much! Fun at the time, but a bit regrettable now), slept (I got to bed at a decent time each night AND had an almost unheard of afternoon nap one day), walked around, window shopped, drove to Betty's Bay and Kleinmond, explored, and I also managed to fit in 2 awesome runs. On Friday morning I ran from Pringle Bay to Betty's Bay and back (about 12 km) and on Sunday I ran from Pringle Bay to Rooiels and back (about 14km). Both times I finished the run off by scrambling up and down the trail path up the little mountain/hill next to the town and near our little housey.

It rained and was super windy the WHOLE of Saturday, really crappy weather and going outside was out of the question, so much so that we didn't leave the house at all, and only opened the door a couple of time to let Roxy in and out. Although I did get up and get dressed, and we had a cooked sit down breakfast in the morning. I stayed in bed almost all day and read my book. I never get to do that. Fortuitously we'd bought the boys beads etc to make personalised bracelets the day before so they spent the morning making their bracelets (see pics below). They LOVE them and haven't taken them off since.

Roxy was a star and was perfectly behaved. We even snuck her into a restaurant on Friday lunchtime, where I think she was not strictly allowed, but she just slept quietly in the corner behind our chairs so I don't think she was even noticed really, and certainly did cause any offense. She is awesome.

On Sunday the wind had stopped, even though it was still cold, which made for a fabulous run, but when I got back the weather cleared briefly to fit in a quick beach visit and swim for the boys which they loved.

It was a really lovely mini-holiday.

Best part was how easy everything is now that the boys are bigger. They help with cooking, shopping, packing and cleaning etc. Quinn even packed the car on the way there and back - quite expertly too! I was impressed. It makes it all such a pleasure and not a chore for me at all anymore. YAY! We'll definitely be doing that again.

Pics below:

Thursday & Friday:


Saturday & Sunday:


And this is me training for the Bafana Bafana 2010 world cup team:


Oh and in case you are wondering... yes I am fatter. I HATE it, but I have decided to accept it for now and not beat myself up too much. I have too much other crap to deal with to allow it to upset me too much and I am hoping once my life settles down I can deal with it then. It is pure and simple emotional over eating ... for now when I feel happy and/or healthy that is enough of an achievement and victory and I can't punish myself or berate myself further. Getting through the day and being able to smile and feel fulfilled is good enough right now. I am allowing myself to savour small moments of contentment, like yesterday watching my boys play happily and spontaneously in the sea, that made me feel full and happy and like we are ok, and THAT is what is important in the end.

Hard labour good for the soul

The boys and I joined a work organised community house build event on Saturday.

Kids are not actually encouraged to go - since it is a full on building site and not a play ground - but mine go pretty much wherever I do, so off we all went.

It was much harder work than I expected but also a LOT of fun. The houses were mere ground level concrete floors when we got there so it was proper building, not just painting and finishings we were doing. I worked my ass off, mixing big piles of cement, sand and water into 'dugga'(sp?), and then laying the (14kg each!) breeze blocks - it's quite technical you don't just slap them down hey!

The boys worked hard too and really learned a lot and enjoyed themselves a lot.

Griff worked with my team, and Quinn was with some of my colleagues on another house nearby. Which worked out good for everyone - Q can be a bit stroppy with me but likes doing what others ask. I think G may have worked harder than Quinn though and he certainly sustained focus for much longer. He was a star! At one point he went off with a wheel barrow to collect those HUGE 'bricks' on his own. I could only lift one at a time! He was that dedicated to the cause. I was very impressed.

They both got a lot of praise and compliments for their behaviour and work ethic. Oh, and I was told I build very well for a 'malungu' (sp?) and esp a lady. 8)

It was a fun and busy day and totally free. All our transport, equipment and food was provided. And we did something good and worthwhile too.

I think we'll do it again. Very rewarding and memorable. I recommend it.

Pics below:

if i am lost it's only for a little while

So life seems to have become too much for me recently (seems this is happening to quite a few people this year..?).

Due to a series of recent really stressful events, on top of my on-going and accumulating long-term stress of the past 18-months, well I pretty much lost my will to live.

It sounds dramatic, but it is true. I stopped waking up feeling happy and hopeful, and had I had the choice I would not have bothered to get out of bed some days.

Usually if I feel like that I can go for a run or to a yoga class and that puts me back on track and I am fine again. This time I didn't care about running, I didn't want to. Even yoga felt like a chore and too much effort. I was tired, lethargic, morose, grumpy, snappish and frankly almost catatonic some of the time. I masked my hurt, depression and feelings by forgoing any kind of real interaction and lying in bed eating and watching stuff on my laptop in the evenings. At work I would sit and stare. I could FEEL that I wasn't ok. For the first time I thought I might seriously need help and actually need medication.

I've put on weight and cms and that just exacerbated my feeling of self-loathing and depression and disappointment in myself. It also escalates my desire to hide away and be alone and not be seen. 'Don't look at me. Don't touch me, Don't even notice me at all please.'. But I could not snap out of it.

I'll admit I even had some morbid thoughts - fleetingly. That is not something I could or ever really would consider. (Promise) My boys are too important to me and they really do give me a reason to live. I can't imagine that life would ever be so bad that it wouldn't be worth being here to share their lives with them. But apart from that I was pretty unlovable. 'Burning bridges shore to shore.' Bulletproof. A hedgehog. Closed. Impenetrable. I can't trust anyone, so I don't need anyone.

2 Colleagues took me aside because they were worried about me, and my kids - ok they have heard some of my hectic phone calls with cops and lawyers etc in the past few weeks.

I have been sick etc, but I am physically better now, but mentally and emotionally I have just been giving up. I was starting to get this underlying niggling feeling that I am depressed.

I have been to counseling before. I know what it entails and where/how it is helpful ...

I saw a grief counselor after Angelique's death (awful woman who did nothing to help, and didn't tell me anything I didn't already know), went to a psychologist for 'PND' when Quinn was 8 months old (lovely lady, I liked talking to her, but within 15 minutes she said I did not have PND or any unusual issues after 4-5 sessions she discharged me and wanted to see my ex instead), then we saw A FAMSA counselor (she also only wanted to see him after 2 sessions), then I saw the counselor before the egg donation (she was FAB, but she also said I was sane, and although I clearly have been through a lot I have very strongly developed self-analysis skills and coping mechanisms). I have then also talked to my children's play therapist, social worker and Ed Psych.

Anyway as I said I have enough experience with this (I think) to know that talking about it all some more is not going to help. I KNOW, I understand it, I can deal with it on a rational level. I understand my emotions too.

Generally these people usually ask ME if I am on medication and seem surprised when I have always said that I am fine and don't think I need it.

I still do not WANT to be on medication. I hesitate to even take a Panado... but something in me is/was telling me strongly that chemically I was not ok and I couldn't JUST talk myself out of it this time and rationalise and DO something.

I felt anxious, tense, stressed and hopeless ALL THE TIME. Which is very unusual for me. I have been incapable of pretending I am fine, and faking it either. It's like I had nothing there, not even to act with.

I asked for advice from friends and then I spoke to a pharmacist. I explained that I have all this on going stress and I can usually deal with it by running and yoga etc, but right now I don't have the energy, motivation or willpower to even do those things that I usually LIKE, and I feel like I need a nudge to get over this hump so I can carry on.

I was recommended to try 5-HTP * and/or Biral **.

The 5HTP in particular makes sense to me, and feels like what I need. The pharmacist said the Biral can be a good way to get through a temporary stressful or depressive period too.

So I got both*** and have been taking them for 2 days now. Placebo affect or not, I have been able to run for the past 2 days, have stopped over eating and feel a lot less anxious. I still feel tense, but I feel I am coping again. I feel I can carry on, and I am happy to be alive again. There is hope there again. I don't feel great and I will not be running through the hills singing 'The Sound of Music' any time soon. But I am here and life will go on.

* "5-Hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) is an amino acid that is the intermediate step between tryptophan and the important brain chemical serotonin. There is a massive amount of evidence that suggests that low serotonin levels are a common consequence of modern living. The lifestyle and dietary practices of many people living in this stress-filled era results in lowered levels of serotonin within the brain. As a result, many people are overweight, crave sugar and other carbohydrates, experience bouts of depression, get frequent headaches, and have vague muscle aches and pain. All of these maladies are correctable by raising brain serotonin levels."

** "Biral is a natural product of plant origin, it acts on the central nervous system to bring about a mild sedative action. It may be used as a daytime sedative. Biral does not cause drowsiness, nor does it impair mental alertness and concentration." It is a mild tranquilizer, but it supposed to reduce anxiety.

*** I told Quinn what they were for when he asked, and after about an hour he said earnestly 'I hope those pills do help you to stop feeling so grumpy' :/

So this is my song at the moment...

Monsters - Band of Horses

a treat for all these problems
they can't find you for the moment
then for all past efforts
they're buried deep beneath your heart
and somewhere in your stomach

and hatred for all others
when awful people they surround you

well, eh, they just like monsters
they come to feed on me
giant little animals to feed

though to say "we got much hope,
if I am lost it's only for a little while"

a treat for all these problems
they can't find us for the moment
then for all past effort
they're buried deep beneath our hearts
and somewhere in our stomachs

and hatred for all others
awful people they surround you
eh, they just like monsters
they come to feed on us
giant little animals for us

though to say "we got much hope,
if i am lost it's only for a little while"
though to say "we got much hope,
if i am lost it's only for a little while
if i am lost it's only for a little while
if i am lost it's only for a little while..."

Let's just see how it goes

Who'd Have Known - Lily Allen

It's 5 o'clock in the morning
The conversation got boring
You said you were going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I'd just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in with me

You put your arm around my shoulder
And it was good the room got colder
And we moved closer in together
And started talking about the weather
You said tomorrow would be fun
And we could watch a place in the sun
I didn't know where this was going
When you kissed me

Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine

Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone
No longer feel alone

I haven't left you for days now
And I'm becoming amazed how
You're quite affectionate in public
In fact your friend said it made her feel sick
And even though it's moving forward
There's just the right amount of awkward
And today you accidentally called me baby

Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine

Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone

Let's just stay
Let's just stay
I wanna lie in bed all day
We'll be laughing all the way
You told your friends they all know
We exist but we're taking it slow
Let's just see how it goes
Let's see how it goes

Are you mine?
Are you mine?
Cause I stay here all the time
Watching telly, drinking wine

Who'd have known?
Who'd have known?
When you flash up on my phone
I no longer feel alone

Let's just stay
Let's just stay
I wanna lie in bed all day
We'll be laughing all the way
You told your friends they all know
We exist but we're taking it slow
Let's just see how it goes
Let's see how it goes

Love me, when I really need it.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”

Swedish Proverb

Adversity

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. ~Author Unknown

Burning bridges, shore to shore

La Roux - Bulletproof

Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in
Burning bridges, shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not to, not to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof

I won't let you turn around,
I'll tell you now, I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do do do your dirty worst
Come out to play when you are hurt
There's certain things that should be
Left unsaid
Tick tick tick tick on the watch
Life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now, I'm much too proud
All you do is fill be up with doubt

This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof

This time, I'll be Bulletproof

This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof

This time baby, this time baby
This time baby, this time
This time baby, this time baby
Bulletproof

Something inside this heart has died

Green Day - 21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.

So tonight we had the first ed psych assessment for Quinn.**

She wanted some time alone with Quinn after my initial preamble, so I took G for a walk outside. While having a casual chat, I asked Griff if he misses his dad - it's been about a month since they saw him.

He said, 'No, not really.'

So I asked if he wanted to see his dad again, and he said, 'Yes, once. To get my money back. He owes me a lot of money.'

Damn it all man, Griffin was his biggest fan and ally and he has even screwed that up royally now. Imagine losing faith in, and respect for, your dad at 7 years old!?

It is SO bloody sad.

What a bloody idiot!

**she btw within 20 mins said I should prevent my ex from seeing the kids, so it is unanimous from pretty much every trained person we have encountered, I am pursuing a restraining order and refiling for sole custody for sure now. I no longer give a flying toss about him. Seriously.

Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.
~ Pamela Glenconner

Hell hath no fury...

Ok so officially I am declaring 'No more Mr Nice Guy' now.

I am now out with both guns blazing. I'm going postal. No holds barred. All out - take no prisoners. Lock stock and two smoking barrels. Armed to the hilt. Raving lunatic. Ex from hell. Bitch. Whatever. That's me.
I have nothing to gain from being nice-nice, and trying to be kind and fair, and reasonable. It has not helped me or the children one iota, and is just prolonging the agony and drama.
So that is it.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
Attorneys, Family Advocate, Maintenance Court, Police, Sheriff of the Court, Magistrate, you name it, I got it.
No further details at this point, as I don't want to jeopardize the process, but suffice to say I will do whatever it takes and pay whatever it costs to end this once and for all.

p.s. Did you know you can't get a restraining order on someone without knowing where they live...? Luckily I have veys and means...

Are you gonna leave me now?

I think I have far too much baggage and drama and instability in my life to be appealing to, well ANYONE.... not to mention that most people I meet think my ex is going to rock up and kill them or me at any moment. :(

Empire of The Sun - We Are The People

We can remember swimming in December,
Heading for the city lights, in 1975
We share in each other
Nearer than father
The scent of a lemon, drips from your eyes

We are the people that rule the world
A force running in every boy and girl
All rejoicing in the world
Take me now
We can try

We lived an adventure
Love in the Summer
Followed the sun till night
Reminiscing other times of life
For each every other
The feeling was stronger
The shock hit eleven
Got lost in your eyes

I can’t do well when I think you’re gonna leave me, but I know I try
Are you gonna leave me now
Can’t you be believing now

Can you remember and humanize,
It was still where we’d energized,
Lie in the sand and visualize like its 75 again

We are the people that rule the world
A force running in every boy and girl
All rejoicing in the world
Take me now
We can try

I can’t do well when I think you’re gonna leave me, but I know I try
Are you gonna leave me now
Can’t you be believing now

I know everything about you
You know everything about me
Know everything about us

I can’t do well when I think you’re gonna leave me, but I know I try
Are you gonna leave me now
Can’t you be believing now

'Cause we hate what you've become

Warning this is not a classy post! ;)

Fuck You Very Much - Lily Allen (words adapted by Jane)

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you told us, we're not good enough
Well, I think you're just cold hearted
You're just some loser with no sense of humour
Your point of view is retarded

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you say
And we hate your whole way
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't make sense
And we're getting quite tense
So please don't stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick
Out of being small minded?
You want to be like your mother
her approval you'd love, huh?
Well, that's not how you find it

Do you, do you really enjoy
Living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control of it
And it's really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you are
And we hate your drama
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't compute
And we are far more astute
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you

You say you think we need to pay
Well, you're already in a stink
'Cause it's people like you that end up in poo
No one cares what you think

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you've become
And you look like a bum
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't mean shit
And were beyond sick of it
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

Soap Opera Episode #5734

Ok, so you all pretty much know about the saga with my ex...

(I am recording this here, because well I want a documented history of all of this, since I suspect I am going to need it one day.)

In July/August I gave him R5000 - in cash - which was money his mom had given me to help with the divorce costs. I had felt bad taking her money and didn't feel entitled to it, so knowing R is on the bones of his ass, I offered it to him, and he snapped up the offer, requesting cash, because his bank accounts would just swallow any money put into them. Note that he has not paid a cent towards the kids since March and is still unemployed. I am not expecting that I'll ever get anything out of him either, and I am fine with that, really. But I am not prepared to support them alone, and then have to support him too. That is not going to happen.

So now after his latest demand for a further R15k after being evicted from another place and telling me he needs that much for a deposit so he can get a suitable place to see the kids and me saying no, we have not seen or heard from him at all. Note that the previous landlord comaplained that he slept all day and SHE had to look after my children! (Of course his version is that she is crazy - because well, everyone is crazy except him.)

In Sept last year my laptop crashed and I called him in desperation and he said, 'I am not your go-to guy anymore' and put the phone down and refused to help, so I told him that when he asked for the latest R15k. I told him when I needed help with a simple thing he just turned away and didn't care, and now I am not his 'go-to guy' anymore either.

I sent an sms saying I am assuming all visits are canceled pending further notice from him that he is suitably able to care for them. That was over 3 weeks ago, and we haven't seen or heard from him at all since. His last week-end with them was 15 & 16 August 2009.

The boys told me on Friday night that I am like their Mom AND Dad now.

I know he is living nearby, and where, because I have see his car (about 2km from where we live) almost every day on my way to work. (I haven't mentioned this to the kids). It actually creeps me out quite a lot that he is back in stalking/harassing distance again. I don't like it.

Anyway yesterday I noticed our giant (like 5 ft tall) gas bottle in the driveway was GONE. Weirdly within 30-seconds I suspected it was him who had taken it. I can't explain why, but I just KNEW. **

This morning I asked Tiny if she knows anything about it and she says yes he came and took it on Friday and took some other stuff he said was his too.

Fark I am annoyed! At him and her, but mostly him. I know he is near on impossible to resist, but I still wish she hadn't let him in and I told her NOT TO EVER LET HIM IN AGAIN. At the very least she must phone me.

Our divorce was finalised on 2 Sept last year and the house transfer went through on 3 Jul this year.

In our divorce agreement there is a list of items due to him. He did not want any of it. (Incidentally it did not include the stuff he took on Friday. The gas bottle was MINE, came from one of my tenants at my rental house). So technically there are a few things in there which are his but I have emails where I asked him repeatedly if he wanted or needed anything further from the house and he said NO. I told him I didn't want to forever have the threat of him coming to fetch stuff and it must be finalised and he insisted he was not taking anything else. That was before the end of last year.

So as far as I am concerned nothing in the house belongs to him anymore.

FFS how dare he!?? What a god damned cheek to just come and take stuff without saying a word. I would have given him the stuff he took if he had asked, but he irks me so much with the way he behaves that I have a good mind to report him to the cops for theft and apply for a restraining order.

Am I over reacting?

** Know what makes this creepier? My buddy Dave sent me a message, out of the blue, on Friday morning asking if I was ok. He said he had dreamed about me on Thursday night and that he was at my house with me, when R suddenly arrived and freaked out and tried to kill him. He said it was very scary and unsettling and he woke up feeling worried about me.

I told him it was weird because R has moved close by and I have been feeling uncomfortable about it but that he hasn't been near the house for AGES because he doesn't like seeing it or me. A few hours later this happened...

Delicious Tangy Salad

Last summer I was really into the Pear, Blue Cheese and Salmon salads I was making, but I think I have a new theme for this summer.

Today I discovered a really good one (I never use recipes for these things, I just make them up as I go along based on what I have at hand)...

This time it is the standard green salad as a base with mixed greens and herbs with diced red and yellow pepper added. On top of that a generous helping of chopped sugar snap peas and avo.

To top it off cooked and diced fresh beetroot, and then a whole fresh juicy orange.

Finally some rump steak cooked with garlic, lemon, soya sauce and coriander and Thai seven spice.
The beetroot and orange makes it nicely colourful and also really sweet, sour and deliciously juicy, I loved the combination a lot!

YUM!!!

I'm just in awe of what's in front of me

Empire of the Sun - Walking On A Dream

Walking on a dream
How can I explain
Talking to myself
Will I see again

We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it
On and on and on we are calling out and out again
Never looking down, I'm just in awe of what's in front of me

Is it real now
Two people become one
I can feel it
Two people become one

Thought I'd never see
The love you found in me
Now it's changing all the time
Living in a rhythm where the minutes working overtime

We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it
On and on and on we are calling out and out again
Never looking down, I'm just in awe of what's in front of me

Is it real now
Two people become one
I can feel it
Two people become one

Catch me I'm falling down
Catch me I'm falling down

Don't stop, just keep going on
I'm your shoulder lean upon
So come on, deliver from inside
All we got is tonight that is right till first light

Is it real now
Two people become one
I can feel it
Two people become one

A year on.

So today is exactly 1 year since my divorce.

That horrid day, which was much harder and more unpleasant than I thought it would be.

That day which affected me way more than I expected it to.

That day which I thought would mark the end. But it didn't. We have still not reached that end. I am not sure there is an end. It is a continuum. I have moved further along now and have a bit more distance and defensive boundaries, but there is no end, no closure. It does get better the further down the road I walk, but it will never stop or go away. I am not sure if/when we'll reach the next level. Where we can sit and have a cup of coffee and talk and both be ok. I hoped dearly we would have that, now I have resigned myself to the fact that I simply can not control that at all. I have accepted. I have moved on. he has made his choices.

That day.

That day where his true colours came out, and I saw how much hatred and derision he has for me. Where he changed completely and stopped pretending to be nice and to like me. Where only days before he had told me what a good person I was, that day I was berated and told how terrible I was, and how I had ruined his life and destroyed him.

That day.

Now a year later my children finally seem ok. They have seen, heard and experienced far too much. They have experienced rejection, hurt and terrible disappointment. They have cried, sulked, and withdrawn.

They blamed me at first, it seemed I had broken daddy because I made him go away. They seem to have seen now that daddy just is that way. Not because of me, or us, but because of him. They seem to understand that only he can control or direct that.

They seem to have given up on hoping for him to be ok though.

They have even given up on wanting us to get back together.

They no longer say they miss him, and they no longer express a wish to spend much time with him.

They have accepted life as we know it now.

So a year on not much has changed, but at the same time everything has changed.

We are still here and we are ok, and we do what it takes to make it work.

I think today is significant. Not because that was the day I ended our family, but because that day our new family was born. So just like I took the boys out to dinner last year and we toasted the 3 of us, I will do it again this year. We will celebrate it as something good because that day was for the greater good and that day marked the day we carried on. Because that's all you ever can do.