Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

75 days...

Natey Boy, it's been 75 days since you left us.

That's 2 and a half months.
It feels too long. It feels like you were just here, and you could come back at any moment...
But you don't.

You are everywhere and nowhere.
I see photos of you all day. On my phone, in the house, on my laptop wallpaper, on Facebook.
We have a nook in the bedroom with all your 'stuff'. Rocks, stones, feathers, well loved cars, baby bear, your art from school, your favourite books (Remember how you used to giggle when I used to Read you the 'Bunny Pie' book?), the black feather I found.
I still say the things you'd say: 'Are you kidding me!?' 'Holy Cow!' 'A little more milkie please?' 'My school!' 'Dat boy whadup?' All these things make me smile and laugh.

I see your crows everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't see at least one, usually more. They bring me great comfort and make me smile each time I see one. They very often fly right over me.

But they are not you. Your photos are not you, you memories are not you.

And every now and again the enormity of the hole you have left in our house, in our lives, in our hearts really hits and feels so big. Too big to bear even. So big I can't let myself feel it completely yet. I can;t bear to think of all the potential and possibilities you had, and how much more you could have and should have got to be, get and give here.

I miss you baby boy. Life is just not the same without you in it. It's hard to find joy, and fun again my boy. We try to keep going to live #LongDays and to keep #DoingItForNatey, but it's hard.

I love you.
I am sorry
Please forgive me


  1. Oh Jane. I often think if it stays so impossible for me how can it be for you? How can it be? I never even met him. All that time you were pregnant I was so worried about your heart being broken. Sorry you have to live with the hole in your heart and life. I wish, I wish.

  2. Jane, though I dont know you, I have wept for you. For your tremendous loss and pain, there are simply no words..... I have shared your story, the way you love not only Natey, but all your sons. Your fierce love and courage, has encouraged me, to love my kids harder. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Endless love. Always.
    It is just far too big.
    A hole that can never be filled.
    Natey are so missed.

  4. I tear up every time I read your posts. I wish with all my heart this wasn't your reality.