Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

Natey boy on your birthday

Dearest darling Natey. It's very nearly 8 months since you left us. 8 very long, sad and heartsore months. 

And today should have been a happy and very special day. Today would have been your third birthday. A celebration of the big boy you would have been now, and the bitter-sweet ceremony to mark that would be happening - the first cutting of your hair, your upsherin. Those beautiful, wild, unruly red curls. Which, just like you, refused to be tamed. It's hard to imagine how you would look without those cherubic curls.

But sadly today is not a celebration for us this year. As we are too sad still and miss you too much.

I do hope though that as the years pass that we can use your birthday to celebrate you and the light, joy and wonder you brought to our lives.

This year though my boy, we simply mourn and miss you.

I feel guilt and shame for not having been a good enough mother to you and not making sure you were safe one minute earlier. It's a heavy weight to bear, and it is my weight to bear.

Happy would-have-been-your-birthday my sunshine. Thank-you for all the crows.

Love Mommy


  1. Dear Jane

    I have followed your heart breaking story from the beginning. Your post "how the best day turned into the worst day" haunts me still. I am also a mother to two young boys, my youngest is three. The story of your little boy has touched my soul and broken my heart. I think of you often, and I hold you close. You are Natey's mom always. Much love xxx

  2. and if I can just add that you were and are good enough....

  3. I know the weight, Jane. Everyone would wish it away from us. But I'm not certain it's fair to take it away. I wish you would never feel that guilt and yet I know without a doubt that it could not be taken from me without a fight.

    Sending you all of my love. Every day. ❤️

  4. Jane - my heart breaks for you! Your grief is still so real and so raw, I am sure it will be like that for a while still.

    You were a wonderful mother to this angel and I know that you were more than good enough. Just please know that!

    Sending lots and lots of love!

  5. I remember waiting very impatiently for him to finally arrive and reading your beautiful birth story about how he made his grand (yet perfectly peaceful entrance). You and your family are never far from my thoughts.
    BIG Hugs, Paula

  6. Jane, you are never far from my thoughts and heart. So very heartsore for you this week. You are in my prayers every day. Love and light.

  7. I thought of you out of the blue today. Like many other "strangers" I was so moved and heartbroken by your story. When I saw this post and realised I share a birthday with Natey I decided to comment to tell you that so many people are still thinking about you and Natey.

  8. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know you must feel so much guilt every day and so much regret for the circumstances of his death. I can't imagine losing one of my children. I pray you eventually find the peace you deserve.

  9. You are the most wonderful mother. And I don't know why this happened. Love.