Bonitas Women's Day Race

On Women's Day - 9 August 2008, despite being off from work on the Wednesday and Thursday and only just surviving the day back on the Friday, I went off to the Bonita's Women's Day Challenge. Although I had already entered, paid and registered, and got the t-shirt; I wasn't really feeling fit or able bodied, in fact I was quite an emotional basket case too the night before. I was very much leaning towards just not going. I thought I'd just stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself instead.

But I got an on-line pep talk the night before and at about 10pm, I thought 'Dammit, I am not going to give up!'. So I decided to pull myself up by the scruff of my neck and just GO anyway. I thought just getting out there would do me good, even if I ended up just walking, or even only doing the 5km course. So I set my alarm...

The boys had stayed over night with their dad for the first time since our split, so I was alone, had no baby-sitting issues or other excuses, and it looked like it was going to be be a lovely day.

When my alarm went off at 6am, I had a second where I thought of turning it off and just relishing the warm bed, and then I decided to just bloody go do the thing.

So off I went to the Bellville Velodrome. I wasn't feeling very strong, but I got going and it wasn't TOO bad. At about 4km I was feeling a tad tired and breathless, and Adele caught up with me and ran with me for a bit. I didn't even know she was going to be there. She soon left me in her dust as we started an uphill which was tough for me. At about 6.5km I walked for a minute or so to get my breath back, and then I decided to give it all I had and run all the way to the finish - which was not easy - remember I wasn't actually well...

I managed to catch sight of Dellie in the last km, and tried valiantly, but in vain to catch her, she came in 30 seconds, and 8 places, ahead of me.

Here's me running as fast as I could (and with no idea I was being photographed) towards the finish line:
I finished in what I think is a VERY respectable 54:35 (although there have been mutterings that the course was a bit short...?). Anyhow, who cares. I ran, I finished, I didn't die and I did ok!

(Results listed on www.wpa.org.za)

#1 XINIWE ZINTLE 0:35:50
#143 MACCANNEL ADELE 0:54:01
#151 WEIDEMAN JANE 0:54:35
#1253 CARLIE TASNEEM 2:04:52

I am thinking of doing the Blister's For Bread 10km walk next Sunday, and then my next running race is the Gun Run in mid-Oct - I should have enough time to prepare for that when this egg donor cycle finishes, so in Sept I need to get back on the road and get myself running and fit again!

Egg Donor update : Scans, Bums & Needles

Just got back from my scan at the gynae.

Both ovaries have about 4-5 eggies growing nicely in them and all looks good and on-track so far.
I had to have 2 jabs, one in each bum cheek while I was there. One was to stop my from ovulating prematurely and the other I can't actually remember what it does but something to do with growing the eggs....

I had been a bum-jab-virgin up until 30 minutes ago. I had always thought bum jabs were excruciatingly painful (I'm not sure where I got that idea from? Probably the movies, where you also learn that birth is a screaming, cursing, lying on your back with your legs in the air affair, which it also totally WASN'T... but I digress), and it really wasn't to bad at all. The jab part was easy. The one med burned a bit, the other itches. But nothing more than slight discomfort so I can deal with it.

According to the doc I am doing great and am very brave. So there you go. I told him I have been rather emotional this week, and he said that is normal too. So that's good I guess. I am starting to feel much better I must say.

I have another Gonal-f pen to continue with the self-jabs over the week-end. I was on a high dose for 4 days (225) and then a lower dose (150) for the past 2 days, and now I am back on the 225 again.

I go back for another scan on Monday to see how they are doing, and then I'll find our when the retrieval will happen (i.e. the op to take them out - laprascopically with conscious sedation) but it will be either Wednesday or Thursday next week. I still need to figure out how to get the day off work, and I think it will have to be unpaid leave, because I don't think I can really claim to be 'sick' - can I?

So with burny/itchy butt checks I bid you farewell. Next update on Monday.

Lost

I am just LOVING Coldplay's new album. Viva La Vida. I think the title is very apt for me atm too.

So far my favorite songs are the title tune Viva La Vida, and then Violet Hill, and then of course Lost ....

Lost

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You can listen to Coldplay here.

Being gentle with myself

Thanks for the comments from yesterday everyone... I really appreciate the support and concern.

I did manage to pull myself out of my slump yesterday evening.

I have decided that I HAVE to release and surrender right now, there is just SO much going on, and much of it I can't control. I have decided that being hard on myself is just not going to help, so exercising and eating are free game now. I am not being disciplined or controlled now, and I am just going with what I feel like at the time. So comfort eating and sitting on the couch it is then!

I blame the hormones. They make me tired, head-achy, tearful, and sad - alternating with horny & almost manically naughty and chirpy. I am a right roller-coaster at the moment and am probably certifiably insane right now. I can't imagine what people are thinking! (Run away!)

So yesterday, feeling particularly low (our nanny was mugged in the morning and that just got me into a real emo state from the get go) I gave our nanny a lift to the train station and gave her some money to tide her over. I would have had to rush home if I wanted to make myself go for a run... and suddenly I thought... SCREW IT! Why should I always be rushing everywhere and always in control and doing the 'right' thing??? So instead, I went past the bottle store and picked up some beer and Savanna and went home. I poured myself a drink, got a drink and snack for the kids, and we sat and had a couple of drinks** in the beautiful warm twilight like normal relaxed people. I actually felt slightly anxious that I should have been DOING something at first, but after a while the feeling passed, and I started to feel relaxation and pleasure wash over me. At 6 the 'Ultimix-at-6' came onto the radio and I decide to get up and dance, and so I did. For the next 45 minutes or so. Just dancing around in my lounge on my own - with the boys coming and going in between, and doing their thing. They were relaxed, I was relaxed and it was good. It was fun and I felt alive and dare I say it even a bit happy.
After my dancing I was inspired to make dinner, and we had a yummy dinner, watch Scrubs and just had a nice pleasant evening.

I am still on this hormonal roller-coaster, but today I feel loads better and that's all that matters right now. Sure my clothes are starting to feel a bit snug, which I don't like. But I am NOT going to stress about it now. So I am going to be a bit soft & cuddly for a few weeks (months?). But once the donor process is over and I get my body & hormones back. And once 'D-Day' has come and gone in early September. I pick myself up and start again. I will get myself back on track and get fit and toned again. It will be the start of a new season.

But for now I am taking it one step at a time. Being gentle with myself.

Hey I'm all I've got!

(**Note I am not big drinker, and I am inherently very responsible, so I had a total of 2 Savanna lites. I am not wanting to mess with these eggies, so I am not going to do anything to jeopardise that. I am doing this as well as I can to give the recipients the best chance of a successful outcome.)

Not the best day

Today has not been the best day for me.

By 9am I was sitting on the floor in a toilet stall at work crying....

My eyes have kept leaking quietly for much of the day.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Or run away and hide.

Why does everything have to be so fucking hard and complicated and painful???

I just want to be happy and have fun.

I want the problems and responsibility to stop now!

Face Your Manga

Here's me ...

Does it look anything like me??

Go on create yourself too! http://www.faceyourmanga.com it's fun!

Grow eggies grow!

If you are following my egg donation journey, which began here, and was updated here, you may know that it was about time for the next stage... actually growing them eggies around about now.

So I stopped the pill on Wed, saw the fertility clinic co-ordinator on Thursday afternoon to pick up the hormone meds I needed, and to learn what to do (a 5 min demo) to actually give myself these jabs.

Then I had to wait for my period to start. To mark Day 1 of my cycle. It decided instead of the scheduled Saturday, it would start in the middle of my glam Hollywood-style work function on Friday night (while I wasn't wearing any underwear! (TMI sorry) and was dancing up a storm on the dance floor!) But it was fine it happened on a trip to the loo anyway. It was just a bit weird because I haven't had a proper period for literally YEARS now... I really haven't missed them! I actually can't wait to get my Mirena replaced.

Anyhoo that made TODAY (Sunday) day 3 and the day to start with the Gonal-f hormone (Synthetic FSH - Follicle Stimulating Hormone) jabs to start growing those eggies!!

Over the course of yesterday I managed to mentally wind myself up about it and was anticipating pain and torture. My skin is actually pretty sensitive, and while giving birth is not an issue for me, being pinched is VERY sore. So I knew it would hurt... I just wasn't sure how much! Yikes.

So I woke up at 8:15 this morning, and my first thought was 'Oh no, today is the day!'

Anyway back to the topic at hand, I was feeling pretty nervous. I pee'd (in the toilet, not my pants!), and then decided to JUST DO IT straight away, before brushing teeth, getting coffee, looking for kids, anything else.

So I got the little bag of stuff out, loaded it up as I had been shown. And then deliberated.... thigh or stomach, thigh or stomach, thigh or stomach??? Get the idea?

My saddlebag won the debate. I stood there. I took the cover off the needle, and I stood there some more. Hrm.... I turned the radio on. The more I was thinking the more I was psyching myself out... The demo lady had said to jab it firmly, because if I didn't get the needle right in (about 1.5cm of it) I would have to keep pressing until it was right in as it needs to not be administered too shallowly in the skin. So I breathed in deeply and plunged....

It just slid right in like a hot knife through butter, and honestly I didn't actually feel it at all. Not even a little OUCH. I thought cool! but expected it to burn or something when I depressed the dosage button. But I pressed it and nope still nothing. All in all it was over in a mere few seconds, and was almost anti-climatically sensation-free. Lets hope the side-effects prove to be the same!

The roller-coaster ride begins. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I was Elizabeth Taylor

We had a Hollywood-style Murder Mystery Dinner Party last night. We had to dress as if we were going to a movie launch - where the murder was to take place. I ended up going more or less as Elizabeth Taylor. I think I did a good job. It's a very young company (most of the team are in their 20s) so I was the older woman who drank to much and partied hard ;)

I actually ended up having a lot of fun in the end. I was not that excited about going at first...

One day I will grow up and become responsible though, and will learn to refuse offers of Tequila shots (I HAVE learned to adamantly refuse Jaeger Meister though - vile stuff. I at least LIKE Tequila) and will go home at a sensible hour and will not be one of the last to leave the dance floor!

I don't think I did anything too embarrassing, but boy did I feel like crap this morning! I was tempted to just stay in bed, but it was a STUNNING day and when I was invited up Lion's Head - with an offer to off load one of the kids for the night afterwards I couldn't say no. So off we went.

After the long trek up and down the mountain and then waving Griffin on his way as he left for his sleep-over. I took Quinn to Camps Bay. I realised this is the only one-on-one time I have had with him for MONTHS, and I think it was very long over due. We used to often do things, just the 2 of us, and I think he needs it. We walked on the beach, looked for shells, and then went for an ice-cream. Delicious. We then came home, cooked dinner and watched TV snuggled on the couch. It was a good day.