K.I.S.S. - so no drill sergeant for me.

Other news is that I have decided to simply my life. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad at times too, recently and my TMJ has even started coming back. So I have a painful, tense and stiff jaw to deal with too *joy*.

I suspect that much of this is due to the tension build up of avoiding facing an issue (my mother) which I just haven't wanted to (or been able to). It is upsetting me a lot now as everything was going great with me and I was feeling happy, energised and vital, and now I just feel like I am spiralling out of control into a deep dark pit - and I am really not enjoying the sensation at all. :(

I am not good at pretending to be happy when I am not, and this time I don't really know what to do to make myself feel better. I have found that in the past week or so I have medicated myself by eating (an old habit), and it's made me feel more lethargic and less motivated and I am wanting to cocoon and just sleep all the time. I do need something to help me snap out of this.

It hasn't been helped by the fact that I generally always have too much on the go, working full-time, going to gym 3 times a week, plus yoga and running in between, and all the kids and school functions and commitments, and seeing friends and family etc etc. Last night I was all anxious about the boot camp and how the frikking hell I was actually going to get there 3 times a week, with Richard away the whole time, and run the house on my own and do all the school runs and homework and and and. I relaised that it is just going to be too much and I won't enjoy it, and that was the whole point of it in the first place. So I am sorry to say I will not be doing the boot camp this time around... Although I feel a bit dissappointed and regretful about this, and part of me is still trying to work out a way to make it work, but I have sent off a cancellation e-mail and it has been accepted and I already feel calmer and less fraught, so I am thinking that it was the right decision.

I know I rely a lot on Richard at the moment, and him being away for close to 4 weeks is going to be hard. Because despite the obvious companionship and partnership things I will miss, I will be solely responsible for the runnign of our whole household. Every meal, every lift, every bill and appointment, the homework, bathing, dressing, teeth brushing, tucking in, shopping etc etc. Sure it's nothing I haven't done before, but I haven't done it for 4 weeks in a row AND I haven't had to commute in and out of the CBD at the same time too - that's the real kicker, and what is going to cause most of the stress and co-ordination nightmares. I am sure I will find a way to make it work, I'll have to. But now at least I don't have a 18:00 - 19:00 commitment every evening too. So the boys and I can collapse, or play, or ride bikes or bath, or go to gym, or shop or get take aways or whatever we need to in the evenings, we'll have time to figure it out each day, and I think we'll need that.

Also, I have to go up to Johnannesburg for my company's end of year function in November. It is while Richard will be away, and it falls over Griffin's birthday week-end. I told the company that I will need to fly the kids up with me to stay at my dad's place. I guess they COULD have stayed in Cape Town with Tiny, but I don't think it would fair on Griff to be abandoned on his birthday, especially since I almost missed it last year too. So I'll take the boys and they can get to see where their grandparents and cousins live, and we'll have his party up there. It should be fun, I hope.