All you can do is make the best of it now

Today's song...

Cheryl Cole - Fight for this Love

Too much of anything can make you sick
Even the good can be a curse
Makes it hard to know which road to go down
Knowing too much can get you hurt

Is it better is it worse?
Are we sitting in reverse
it's just like we’re going backwards
I know where I want this to go
Driving fast but let’s go slow
What I don’t wanna do is crash, no

Just know that you’re not in this thing alone
There’s always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we’re growing apart
Let’s just go back back back back back to the start, oh

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for oh,

Now everyday ain’t gon’ be no picnic
Love ain’t no walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now
Can’t be afraid of the dark

Just know that you’re not in this thing alone
There’s always a place in me that you can call home
Whenever you feel like we’re growing apart
Let’s just go back back back back back to the start, oh

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quittings out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for oh,

I don’t know where we’re heading I’m willing and ready to go
We’ve been driving so fast we just need to slow down and just roll

Anything that’s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more

We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for oh...

Tense - past, present, future

I got this from Karen at Nothing about Nuffing

1. Today I feel… scatterbrained - drank a bit too much red wine last night.
2. This week… has been a very emotional one, but one where I have realised I need to keep my balance in all things. My strength is in my core.
3. Last night…I saw the movie Amelia. I identified with her a lot. I need to able to strive for what I want and need, without compromising that too much.
4. Lately the song stuck in my head is… Cheryl Cole 'Fight for this Love'
5. My New Years eve… insane, but fun.
6. This year I’m looking forward to… being true to myself and not accepting less than I deserve. I am also realising that I actually am a good person. I am proud of myself.
7. What big lesson/s did you learn in 2009? That the boys and me come first. I should not put anyone else ahead of that.

Not optional!

"Never make someone your priority when to them you're only an option."

In relationships, we should be a priority, every time, not an easy option that anyone can cast aside or ignore whenever he/she wishes. That is so debilitating and destructive. When we have little self-esteem, when we hold ourselves in low regard and when we lack self-respect we tend to put other people above us in needs and value.

We might be in a relationship where:
* the person won't commit;
* they make regular excuses for not being able to ring us or see us;
* we instinctively feel that they might be seeing someone else;
* they deny us love and affection and take it elsewhere;
* we feel alone and neglected.

But do we do anything about it? Noooo. Do we get out of there fast or clearly put our own needs on the table? Not at all. We continue to make excuses for our pain and frustrated hopes and expectations and to make excuses for our partners. We suffer in silence, and martyrdom, while continually hoping for something else to happen, even when we feel deep down it won't be forthcoming, while becoming increasingly unattractive in the process through worry and stress.

Many people, especially women, sit and bear it, hoping daily that the person will change, that they will begin to treat them better. That they will eventually be No.1. Even when these women (and men) can clearly feel that they are a low option for their lovers or partners, that they come last in the diary, the schedule, the job, the scheme of things, they still hang in there taking the crumbs that fall off the table instead of being the main bread themselves. Such a situation, where the relationship is clearly imbalanced, is not good for either person.

Consequences of being an option
First of all, for the uncaring partner, such attention and acceptance feed their ego, reinforce unwanted behaviour, place them in a perceived higher status and encourage them to continue in the same vein of treatment both inside and outside the home. By being allowed to treat another person as dispensable they get to set the rules, to set the tone of the relationship, to set the degree of connection, and ultimately dictate the results, exactly in the manner they desire. Most importantly, it encourages them to take their partners for granted and to mainly please themselves. Theirs is not a partnership of reciprocity but a self-serving one which suits their intent and boosts their esteem. Why should they change it?

Second, for the person on the receiving end, it keeps them feeling anxious, low in esteem, impotent and inadequate. They are kept feeling trapped, not in an equal partnership, but one where they are relegated to second-best. It deprives them of other love, affection and attention they could be getting from someone else, it cements their perceived low-esteem in their own eyes and, worst of all, over time, it robs them of self-love and self-respect. Usually, such partners would say that they 'love' the other person who treats them as an option. But true love does not hurt, harm or neglect. It is the greatest force of empowerment in our lives. Once we love, the object of that love is a priority, truly, because that is all we care about: showing that lover just how much they mean to us. There is no place for options in that relationship. They become an indispensable part of us.

We only make people, who treat us badly, priorities in our lives when we have no self-love. We believe we do not deserve anything better because that person is the best we can get. We stay put, perhaps for convenience and full of fear, while dying inside from anxiety and neglect. Not realising that as long as we keep reinforcing the behaviour we do not like, keep reinforcing ourselves as dispensable options, keep hoping for better that never materialises, we will never become a priority for anyone, least of all, for ourselves.

The above article is from HERE.

So the truth is finally out.

And it's worse than I thought.

To think I thought I was loved.

Stupid, stupid. When will I learn?

The Fool On The Hill - The Beatles

Day after day,
Alone on a hill,
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him,
They can see that he's just a fool,
And he never gives an answer,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Well on the way,
Head in a cloud,
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hear him,
or the sound he appears to make,
and he never seems to notice,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

And nobody seems to like him,
they can tell what he wants to do,
and he never shows his feelings,

But the fool on the hill,
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Ooh, ooh,
Round and round and round.

And he never listens to them,
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him,

The fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down,
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning 'round.

Ooh,
Round and round and round

In happier news

It was Griffin's class picnic tonight, and I really did not feel like adult company... so I rocked the play ground instead.

I suspect my maturity-level is sitting at around 12-years old a lot of the time because I so get along with the 6-15 age group (especially boys). I J-boarded up a storm, impressing a bunch of the young lads 'Wow, you J-board pretty well M'am' LMAO! I even helped teach a few of them how to do it. Then I climbed up the basketball pole (because they did, so I could too!).

One little boy, Jarrod, did not know WHAT to make of me, eventually he said, 'You're weird'. I asked why and he said it's cos I play so much. I said, 'Doesn't your mom play like this?' and he said, 'No way, she would never do this!'. So I said, 'Well I think it is MUCH more fun to play, and J-board, and climb trees and jump on jumping castles'. He didn't think ANY other adults would jump on a jumping castle. I said I sure would and That it's 'Much more fun than just sitting around... reading a newspaper or something'. He said, 'Yeah my dad does that'.

I asked if he was at the class camp out in November and he said no. His mom doesn't like camping, she is scared of snakes. I told him I am not scared of stuff like that. I catch frogs and thing I think they are cool.

Shame he looked a bit sad. So I said, 'But I bet your mom cooks a lot right?' He lit up and said yes. I went on, 'And I bet she makes really yummy stuff?'. He said she certainly did. So I said, 'Well there you go, I don't cook very well or very much at all... which is better yummy food or playing?' I think that gave him something to think about.

Most moms focus more on keeping house and cooking and nurturing. I just want to have fun and do stuff... we all have our pros and cons I guess....

Try, cry, why try? That was just a dream...

This is a vent post so skip right on by if you want me to be sunshine and roses all the time...

Faith Shmaith... fuck that. I think I need to chose a new word for the year, me thinks.

I have no faith ... except in myself, and even that falters sometimes.

I used to shake my head at tough, bitter, 30-something divorced women, and wonder why they had to be so steely and hard and caustic and cynical... well I am starting to really understand it. Every fucking thing is a battle. You can trust no one. There is no one to look out for you, you are alone, on your own, fighting for your corner without support. And even the ones who are supposed to be on your side are out to get something from you... it gets hard to keep smiling and giving and looking after everyone else all the time.

You want something sorted out on your car? It takes weeks to happen and even then only after you chase it up numerous times and then have to have an argument. I have 4 emails proving that I asked the same god-damned 3 questions each time, and got no response to any of them - so don't treat me like I am being unreasonable now. I have been MORE than patient!

You want something fixed in your home? You have to haggle about it - but only after you have managed to convince them that you actually do know a thing or two, and know that you are being bullshitted, before that they just try to steam-roller you. I have 5 different quotes and a heap of research showing that 0.5mm Chromadek is more than adequate thanks! AND your quote is R13 000 higher, so I don't care how fucking self-important you think you are, I am NOT choosing your over-inflated quote, especially since you suddenly put it down by R4 000 after I told you how much higher than the others it was. Hello!?

Then seriously dudes, what gives? What is the problem? What is actually wrong with me that people think they can treat me like crap, and do what the fuck they please, and I will just be ok with it? No really. I want to know...

R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh

I'm watching 500 Days of Summer and this song stood out for me...

Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap

sweet disposition
never too soon
oh reckless abandon
like no one's
watching you

a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh

just stay there
cause i'll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it's so young
it runs
and we won't stop til it's over
won't stop to surrender

songs of desperation
I played them for you
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh

just stay there
cause i'll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it's so young
it runs
and we won't stop til it's over
won't stop to surrender

a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs(won't stop til it's over)
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry
our rights, our wrongs (won't stop til it's over)
a moment, a love
a dream, a laugh
a moment, a love
a moment, a love (won't stop to surrender)

Cunning Quinn

I have a feeling Quinn is going to get far in the world. He knows how to play the game and how to get what he wants and/or needs in a situation. He makes the rules, and if he can't he figures out how to make them work for him.

He is Cunning, Smart, Manipulative even.

Cunning: adj 1. crafty and shrewd; sly cunning as a fox 2. made with or showing skill or cleverness; ingenious n 1. craftiness, esp in deceiving; slyness 2. cleverness, skill, or ingenuity "the art or process of gaining the advantage in situations by means of crafty or ingenious ploys."

Manipulative: Skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage.

Smart: 1. Characterized by sharp quick thought; bright. 2. Amusingly clever; witty. 3. Canny and shrewd in dealings with others. 4. Astute, as in business; clever or bright.

shrewd: 1. Characterized by keen awareness, sharp intelligence, and often a sense of the practical. 2. Disposed to artful and cunning practices; tricky.

2 Examples follow:

1. On Friday morning I woke up to a knock on my bedroom door. I sleepily asked who was there, to find out it was a bright and breezy Quinn bringing me coffee in bed. He was all neatly dressed for school. He cheerily bid me good morning and gave me a hug, then said he was off to finish making breakfast and their lunch for school. WOW!

A while later he came back and asked if I needed help with anything? I asked him to please check on my Jasmine plant outside my bedroom window which was lying on the ground. He investigated, diagnosed the problem, and got a hammer to drive the plant's supporting stake back into the ground. It is now standing proud and tall again. When it was time to leave I discovered everything was already in the car. What a pleasure!

Then as I was about to head for the car Quinn approached me. 'Um, mom. So can I have some money for the tuck-shop today...?'. HA!

Truth is I had told him earlier in the week that I may give him money one day that week, and he certainly did his bit to compel me to think that he deserved it. So was he just being nice or was I expertly worked over? And is there even a difference? I mean do people perhaps only do nice things for their own personal gain? - EVEN if that gain is only to make you friendlier towards them?

2. We were going through the extra mural timetable for the term and choosing the activities the boys would do. I asked Quinn if he was doing chess this year. He did it in Grade 1 and 2 and was GOOD at it - in fact in Grade 1 we told Grandpa that he had just learned to play and he convinced Grandpa to play a game with him. Grandpa was chatting and drinking whiskey, but Quinn nearly NEARLY beat him! It was a very close shave. Grandpa was suitably shocked and impressed.

Chess is a good way to still and focus Quinn's mind. I think it is beneficial for him and he has a natural aptitude for it. He doesn't REALLY want to do it though. But, instead of getting into a debate about it with me, he came up with this idea. He said, 'Ok I'll verse* you in a chess game and if I win I don't have to do chess, if you will I'll do it.' I decided that was fair enough. I mean I did chess at school and am pretty good myself. I don't expect it will be an easy game at all though!

So what do you think?
Shrewd, cunning, smart? Or devious and manipulative?

* Do your kids also say 'verse' meaning challenge or compete with? I can only think they get it from hearing Team a vs. (versus) Team B and so they think that's the verb.

I want you to stay here beside me

I have heard this song twice now and I love it. I took notice of it within 2-3 lines the first time. I think it's a new single.

Snow Patrol - Just Say Yes

I’m running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I wont be ok and I wont pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test nor a trick of the mind
Only love

It’s so simple and you know it is
You know it is
Yeah

We can’t be to and fro like this all our lives
You’re the only way to me
The path is clear
What do I have to say to you
And we’ll all stay near
Can you also be
Can you also be
Here to protect me
Can you also be

Just say yes just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test nor a trick of the mind
Only love
Just say yes cuz I’m aching I know you are too
Won’t accept I’ll be wanting it
I’ll breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through your shirt
This is all I wanted all I want
It’s obvious
And it’s obvious
And it’s obvious
You’re all I want
You’re all I want

Just say yes just say there’s nothing holding you back
It’s not a test nor a trick of the mind
Only love
Just say yes cuz I’m aching i know you are too
Won’t accept I’ll be wanting it
I’ll breathe you in

Bright Lights and Black Holes

Love never dies a natural death.

It dies because we don't know how
to replenish its source. It dies of
blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds; it dies
of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

~ Anais Nin

Placebo - Bright Lights

Cast your mind back to the days,
When I pretend' I was OK.
I had so very much to say,
About my crazy livin'.
Now that I've stared into the void,
So many people, I've annoyed.
I have to find a middle way,
A better way of givin'.

So I haven't given up,
That all my choices, my good luck...
Appear to go and get me stuck,
In an open prison.
Now I am tryin' to break free,
In a state of empathy.
Find the true and inner me,
Eradicate this schism.

No-one can take it away from me,
And no-one can tear it apart.
'Cause a heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.

A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
No-one can take it away from me,
No-one can tear it apart.
It may be elaborate fantasy,
But it's the perfect place to start.

'Cause a heart that hurts,
Is a heart that works.
A heart that hurts,
Is a heart that... works.

Back to school 2010.

Our first day back at school:


In case you are wondering the freaky-short hair cuts are what happens when the boys say 'tomorrow' everyday for about 2 weeks when you want to cut their hair. Then finally on the day before school C does it with his proper strong and sharp clippers - and when they slyly ask for No 1's, they get it! I usually use No 3! They look pretty bald, and they are all white under wear their hair used to cover!

The boys with one of their 3 mothers...Tiny.


The boys at school REAL smiles now.


Quinn's first day of school 2005-2010


Griffin's first day of school 2009 & 2010.

Guilty Pleasures

Meriel did this one, so I thought I'd try too. I'm a tad puritanical or something when it comes to myself and I actually don't indulge myself a lot. In fact it may be a bit of an issue and I think it's a self-worth thing. I don't do facials, manis, pedis, massages etc pretty much ever. I have a R150 voucher for a Beauty Therapy place which I have had for 2 months. I'd LOVE to go, but keep being compelled to give it to someone more deserving. WTF!? I hardly even go for haircuts. I colour my own hair, and sometimes trim it myself too. I don't buy magazines, I don't eat out much at all, or rent DVDs, or get take-out dinners or lunches. I mostly buy factory shop or marked down clothing. I don't have any expensive cosmetics. I am actually quite frugal... but here are the guilty pleasures I can think of.

1. Peanut Butter - I just love it. Most evenings I'll have at least a teaspoonful after dinner. I can eat peanut butter on or with almost anything.

2. Watermelon. I LOVE watermelon. Almost additively. I have been more rationed with it this year, but seriously I could live on watermelon and be quite happy.

3. Sitting in bed with my laptop late at night or on week-end mornings. Either on the internet or watching Scrubs & House. It a massive waste of time, but I enjoy it, so there!

4. The Power Plate at the gym. Man that thing rocks - or rather shakes. It really is one giant vibrator. It is not half unpleasant, and not just in the erotic way you may be thinking. The movement really does stimulate the release of endorphins.

5. Music. I listen to music at work (when I can), when I run, and sometimes even when I take the boys to the park. Sometimes they talk SO much and so loud that it freaks me out, so I muffle the sound with music to stop myself getting worked up. I have a policy of 'Buy Local - Steal International', so I download or copy stuff from all over. I also usually go to quite a few music events every year.

Natural High!

I have let my running slip over the last while. Ever since the Pinelands race at the end of October when I had my little emotional melt-down actually. Since then it's been all too easy to find a reason not to run.

It went something like this: I'm .

I used to wake up thinking about going for a run, and somewhere along the line that stopped. I was even starting to wonder if I was done with running. I have still been active, and have been going to gym, stretching, swimming, walking, playing etc, but the thought of actually RUNNING. Nah, that seemed like too much effort. It has also not been at all helped by the knee injury from the ice skating accident after Christmas....

I was running close to 40km per week for most of last year. Recently I was luck to get to 20 and even that would be mostly walking. Interesting I have actually lost about 4+ kilograms in the past 3 months or so, but as good as that sounds I suspect at least one of those is loss of muscle and tone, so it's not as great as it may sound.

Then on Saturday I got into a pissy mood. For no aparent reason. I couldn't explain it but I just felt 'mislik'. I apologised to all those near me and tried not to take it out on anyone else, but I could just feel a cloud over my head - Eeyore style. It was there yesterday too. Last night I grazed on carbs too which made me feel worse (classic PMS type stuff actually, although with the Mirena who knows if it is...?).

Anyway today I had a BUSY day at work, but when I was asked if I had run in a race this past week-end I started realising that I miss it. So although I was tired when I got home. I bit the bullet, changed and went for a run.

At first I wasn't sure that I was loving it and almost stopped to walk, but I had no reason to so I made myself carry on running. I managed to run all 4km to the gym, and it's been a while since I did that. Then instead of staying at the gym I decided to run a longer way home, and so did another 5-6km or so. I just ran gently at my pace and after a while I realised I was actually enjoying myself and feeling really good.

I really do actually LIKE running. I like being out there on my own, and dwelling on my own thoughts, listening to music, looking at the view. It's me time, exercise and therapy all in one.

I came back much more cheerful and feeling like myself again. My boys actually know I need to run and have previously suggested it when I was being cranky. ;)

Pity Chocolate doesn't have quite the same effect for me, it would be so much easier... But really running makes sense. It keeps me fit, sane, healthy, alive and cheerful.

"Everyone who has run knows that its most important value is in removing tension and allowing a release from whatever other cares the day may bring." ~ Jimmy Carter

“Running helps me stay on an even keel and in an optimistic frame of mind.” - Bill Clinton

"Running is one the best solutions to a clear mind. " - Sasha Azevedo

"Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run." -Monte Davis

My word of the year.

Since reading Eat, Pray, Love I have been pondering, and liking, the idea of a word for the year - instead of a resolution.

I have been thinking on this quite a bit. I know other people, like Meriel, and Sandi use words for the year too.

It's kind of like an abbreviated affirmation of sorts, or a mantra.

I have battled to come up with a word though. One which really covers it. I have thought of:
BREATHE - this was a strong contender. In all situations remember to just breathe!
LOVE - this is good, but doesn't cover everything, and the year is long and multi-faceted.
ACCEPT - hrm... yes and no. Some things are unacceptable. So no.
ACHIEVE - Yes there are things I wants to achieve, but it is not my main focus.
RISK - Yes I want to take risks, but not put myself or my family at risk. It just doesn't feel right.
TRUST - this is a biggie for me. I do not trust easily. I am not sure I can or should trust. I want to, but something stops me....

I have finally settled on a very unexpected word, but I think I like it. It is quite out of character, but I think it is time for a change and for me to alter my usual ways and try something new. Not all of what I have been doing and how I have been thinking and reacting has worked for me. Perhaps it is time for me to open myself to new possibilities now, and so my word for 20-zen is....

FAITH

Are you surprised? I certainly was! ... but I kept coming back to it.

Here are the definitions and reasons for the choice.

faith

–noun

1.	confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2.	belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3.	belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4.	belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5.	a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

6.	the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.

7.	the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.

8.	Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

—Idiom

9.	in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

So for me faith is the inner attitude, conviction, or 'trust' that everything will be ok, and that it is ok to relax, to allow people in and to let people to love and help me. Yes, I can do it alone, but life is richer when shared with others.

I have faith in myself, my family, my friends and my abailities. I am faithful.

Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true.

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

Meme

Got this one from Jenty's Ramblings

1. Today I feel... a bit slow, deflated, and distracted. Mentally fuzzy. But otherwise good.
2. This week… is the start of a new year, new decade, new job (well same but different, we're being outsourced), my boy turned 10, C and I have known each other for 6 months, I got a new car.
3. Last night… was awesome!
4. Lately the song stuck in my head is… The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)

"Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time,
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else."
5. My New Years eve… was wild, fun and fantastic, but I went a bit overboard. It was not pretty. BUT although I tried to hide away and deal with myself alone like I always do, this time there were people wanting to take care of me. So although I embarrassed myself. It was kind of nice totally relinquishing control. I mean I was ( or rather had to be) put to bed! (note that that was a first, and I have only gone this over my limit about a handful of times ever)
6. This year I’m looking forward to… moving on, unencumbered by the past and being ME.
7. What big lesson/s did you learn in 2009? That I can survive alone, and do it well. I can fix a toaster, keep the pool clean, make a fire, braai meat, swig beer, run a half marathon, take the kids on holiday, all on my own. BUT I also learned that I actually do want someone in my life, and I might even concede that sometimes I actually need someone. Not to take care of day to day practical stuff, but to feed my love languages of physical touch and quality time. I have a need to be loved.

Child of my heart...<3

Quinn has got to be one of the most sweet and sensitive boys ever. He'll notice a hair cut, comment on a pretty nightie, and remember he gave me those 'spa' vouchers for Christmas for foot rubs etc..?

Well here are 3 more recent incidents:

- I got back from JHB and Q arrived home with friend A in tow. A has also just turned 10 and got her first tiny bras for her birthday which was while I was away. She lifted her shirt to show me, and I commented on her lifting her shirt in public. She looked around and saw that only Q was there, so she says 'Oh Quinn helped me choose it...'. I was like whaaat? But then I said, 'Yes he is actually pretty good at that, he's help me before, he has good taste' and A and her mom agreed.

- Then also while I was away A had a birthday camp-out. Q said he organised a 'spa treatment' for her with 2 other kids, where they put cucumber on her eyes, put flat stones in the sun to heat up and then gave her a 'hot stone massage' and a foot rub etc etc. I mean how many guys (or even girls) would think of stuff like that!?

- Then yesterday I took him and friends out for his birthday. We ended off with some arcade games where you get those silly tickets which you can cash in for trinkets. The other kids were scheming about what cool thing to get for themselves. Q turned to me and said, 'Do you like those teddies?... cos if I have enough tickets I'll get one for you.' *sniff* It was HIS birthday and he wanted to get something for me.

I love that boy and his big caring heart!!!

Meet Luigi!

The deed has been done. Basil (my Fiat Panda) has been retired. He was a fabulous and fun little car, but he suddenly developed 3 issues, 2 of which were expensive and one of those was VERY expensive and a bit dangerous, so while I could still trade him in I did.

I now have Luigi. Also a Fiat, this time a Grande Punto. Since Fiat is Italian we decided to name him Luigi, after the second Mario brother.

Luigi is not new - he is also 3 years old, but has low mileage (48 000km), seems to have no issues and best of all has more space than Basil did. And we really do need more space now.

So without further ado. Meet Luigi! *
I do miss Basil. He had such character. But I know it was the right thing to do.

* Excuse the outfit I was just back from the gym!

20-zen

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love, and am LOVING it. I have felt, thought, cried, smiled and laughed while and because of reading it. I am more self-aware, more introspective and less reactive because of it. I am letting it filter through me and I am talking stock. I recognise myself a lot in her. My journey has a lot of similar threads.

This year is going to be 20-zen for me. More about keeping my balance and not giving my power over to anyone else. Being real, authentic, unapologetically, and un-regrettably ME.

I will be daring and bold when I want to. Meek and mild when I want to, and everything in between.

I will not be afraid to try. To love, to learn, to TRY - succeed or fail. I will not be overcome by fear or feelings of inadequacy or weakness.

In testament to this on New Years Eve - which was at a Greek Restaurant in JHB - I boldly, and rather shockingly, broke plates. ON. MY. HEAD!

What a rush! It was freaking amazing. It may sound stupid, but it felt so empowering. Like I was a karate master or something...

Anyhoo. 2010. Wild and fun, but responsible and sensible. Balanced together as 20-Zen!