A major watershed day....

Today is a weird, uncertain and bitter-sweet kind of day. It is also a huge watershed moment for us. Today marks the day that Benjamin is the exact age that Natey was on his last day with us. And it is also just 4 days before what would have been Natey's 6th birthday.

Nathaniel

Benjamin

After today Andrew embarks into unknown parenting territory. Up to now it's been a kind of  familiar 'do over' for him, which at first felt daunting and even initially a bit of a tedious prospect to him given how invested he had been in Natey (and to be clear he has also been with Benjamin), but from now on each day is entirely new. And something he'll have not experienced before. That's both scary and exciting. For me, I feel every day we get from here on feels like it will be a bonus. 

I think though that both Andrew and I are, and have been, more than a little afraid of today. We have been acutely aware of risks, and just how 'dangerous' toddlers are at this age. Both seeming so aware, rational and obedient - understanding, able to listen to rules and what you say - whilst still being impulsive and frankly still little babies! You can't expect them to be responsible and careful, no matter how mature they seem.

I have been fearful  that there's some kind of jinx or wall of fate which can't be crossed, and I know I will not relax today at all. I have felt the weight of fear and uncertainty mounting for the past month or so, as this day has come closer day-by-day. The fear that it might be a progression to the end again... it's hard not to feel that. 

Living in fear is no way to live though. I know that. So what I have tried to do instead is to live in mindful gratitude, making sure to savour Benjamin and moments with him. Knowing that in the end memories, moments and love are all that is left. So make a point of living them and savouring them as you go. And thanks to Natey I am tuned into the concept of #LongDays too. So we have been going to the park, baking cookies, reading stories, having dinner picnics in the bedroom watching animated movies, walking on the mountain, and revealing in toddler hugs and kisses. One of the blessings of Corona lock-down has been all the extra bonus family time, for which I am very grateful and am loving.

Today though, I am thinking back on that last, beautiful, loving, connected and present day with Natey. Where I was being so deliberately with him... I still don't understand how or why it happened. I doubt I ever will. But all I can do now is to move on, and to be and do better. And I can only hope I am a better and good-enough mother to Benjamin (and Quinn & Griffin) through having lost Natey (and Angelique).

By now Benjamin has seen, is aware of, and has asked about the photos of Natey which are displayed all over the house. He started with 'Who is that boy?' and now often says 'That's Natey'. He of course doesn't really fathom who Natey is/was yet, and those deeper conversations are still to come. We haven't really discussed what we'll say and how we'll handle it, but I expect we'll wait for him to ask, and then be open and honest with him.

Benjamin is a delightful child. He is self-assured, independent, confident, smart, sassy, strong-willed, loving, cuddly, easy-going. playful, and funny.

Natey is still in my thoughts every day. I think of him often and the crows are still ever-present and they provide, for me, a comforting memory prompt. Every time I see one I smile and think of Natey and the lively, fun-loving, bright firecracker of a little boy he was.

Benjamin has by no means replaced Natey. They are each distinct, beautiful and special children in their own right. Their essences and energies are quite different, but each on fills our hearts and  home and makes is equally full.

I am grateful to have got to experience the magic of Natey and I am so grateful to have the healing gentle and soulful energy that Benjamin has brought.

Natey: “I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.”

Benjamin: "You are loved and cherished to the moon. And back."

Natey

Benji