So what actually happened? Or how the best day turned into the worst fucking day of my life

Well, it's a long story. The big boys were away at Camp Hermanus where we'd dropped them just after Christmas for their 2 weeks of good old 'boys will be boys' fun and adventure. It's always the much anticipated highlight of their year.

I have blogged about it before...here.

So we left them there after taking them out to Hermanus and spending some time out there too. We came back to Cape Town on the evening of December 27th. Andrew had opted to work that week between Christmas and New Year. Just 3 work days. Xolisa (Andrew's long standing house helper and also Natey's nanny when he was younger - his beloved 'Kia) had just resigned. Olivia our cleaner was off for 3 weeks. Natey's wonderful au pair Melinda (Minda) was on leave just for that week, and so was I. Andrew had asked if I wanted any help in those 3 days that he'd be working while I was home with Nate. I said no, I was actually eagerly anticipating having my munchkin to myself and getting to do all the cool and fun things I couldn't do while working, and which him and Minda got to do (while I enviously got photos on whatsapp). I had no sense of it being a burden, or being stuck with him at all.

On the Wednesday we went for an epic walk to the gym - which is actually just 5kms away - with Natey's pram, taking a super scenic route via Camps Bay, Bantry Bay and Greenpoint and eventually arriving there after a 15km walk. We got snacks on the way, chatted up a storm and Natey had a good nap too. At the gym we swam and played and then walked home. At home we played, swam, and played some more. It was a great day. When Daddy came home we went out for sushi down the street.

On the Thursday we did more playing, swimming, exploring the neighbourhood, chilling and reading. It was Minda's birthday that day and when I told Natey, he immediately said 'Birthday, cake!'. So although she was on leave we still wanted to celebrate it. Natey and I went down to the park to play and then we went out and ordered a nice big piece of carrot cake for her. Which we then ate for her. It was so big we had enough to take home to share with daddy after dinner. We made some videos of Natey wishing her for her birthday too.

While sitting at the table after dinner I got a whatsapp from Quinn - it was rare to hear from the boys while at camp, they are usually just having far too much fun to waste time on their phones. The whatsapp said "Mom". I responded brightly; "Hi! How's it going? Are you having fun?"

There was silence for a while... I know the signal is really bad at camp. Natey, Andrew and I kept chatting around the table. Then 3 more words came through: "Doc Ollie's dead" My blood ran cold.

I sent a flurry of messages asking what he was taking about. Was he kidding? What was going on?? They didn't go through though and I got nothing further. I tried calling but couldn't get through at all. I tired calling the camp leaders and couldn't get through to them either. Eventually I got hold of someone, but the line was so bad I had to ask him to repeat what he'd said 3 times and even then I had no idea what he'd said. I just heard "Sailing... mast... back". I thought they'd been sailing, and the mast had hurt Ollie's back. It sounded bad, but I didn't think it was THAT BAD. I was so worried though.

I didn't sleep that night, constantly worrying about Ollie, my boys, and wondering what was going on. I woke at dawn on Friday and immediately tried to contact Quinn. I got hold of him. He told me what had happened. I was horrified. It's a long story - which I won't go into detail on here or now. But it was true Doc Ollie had died in a tragic accident sailing on camp. There's a news reference here. and here.

Doc Ollie was one of our favourite people in the world. He'd literally saved Quinn's life by fixing his advanced and aggressive cholesteatomas. He'd restored Quinn's hearing. He'd shown us kindness and care beyond measure while I was a newly single mom with no support dealing with a child with this scary and serious condition. He'd fixed my boy with his skill and expertise. Protected us from debilitating medical debt. He'd taken us under his wing, made us feel special and loved. And made us close friends. He introduced us to camp Hermanus and he secured his place as my boys' mentor, role model and friend. He was so happy for me when he found out about Natey's pregnancy and birth.

I asked the boys if they wanted to come home, and they said no. They had all discussed it and the consensus was that camp was Doc's happy place too, and so camp would go on in his honour and they wanted to stay.

I was gutted but decided the best way to honour such a great man, was to try to be more like him. And so I decided consciously to be PRESENT in my day and to focus on priorities. Natey woke up. I had booked a spinning class at the gym. I decided I'd  skip it if he didn't want to go. But when I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym he said "YES!". He cheerfully cooperated and helped me to get him dressed and ready and we set off down to the gym, while Andrew was still sleeping.

Natey happily went into the Junior Care at gym, and when I asked if he was going to stay to play he again said yes. I said "Bye, see you later" and he cheerfully waved me away. An hour later, sweaty and glowing from a good work-out I collected him, still happily playing and having a great time.

On the way home I decided to stop for coffee. So we went to Strolla. He sat on the chair next to me while I enjoyed my coffee. Sipping his juice and proclaiming proudly "I'm eating my snack!". I even took a photo to send to Daddy, so he could see how fun and chilled our day was going.

Afterwards, I decided it was close enough to nap time so rather than go straight home, where he may have ended up getting over tired and not going to sleep, I took a meandering drive home. He noticed what I was doing and after exclaiming "My school", as he did, at least 2 or 3 times as we passed it, repeatedly. He became suspicious and said "Mommy, where you going?". I told him we were going home. I tried putting the classic station on, reckoning that would be a sure way to lull him to sleep. A lovely guitar concerto was playing. He listened to a few bars, sat up, and demanded "Turn that off. I don't like that noise!" I had a good chuckle, thinking classical music loving Grandpa Fraser would be horrified. I even posted about it on Facebook. Still, after turning it off, soon enough he drifted to sleep, and I drove on home.

While he napped I had plenty of time to shower, pack bags and get ready for the rest of the day. We were going to be heading to The World of Birds to see my sister and her children. Once Natey woke up I asked him if he wanted to go to World of Birds and he readily agreed. It was one of his favourite outings. So off we went.

We had a lovely time exploring the World of Birds and especially enjoying Natey's favourite part - playing in the sand pit with all the trucks! At one point as we walked through one of the bottom cages (the herons I think?), there was a bushy fence to our right, the top of it had some open space. A large crow suddenly cawed loudly and pecked at the fence in our direction. We squealed and got a fright. My sister said "That's a bad omen" and then had to explain what that meant to her son... Afterwards she said "I don't know why I said that..?". We didn't think much of it though and just continued our visit.

We eventually left and said our goodbyes well after the official closing time, as the last of the staff were leaving. Then Natey and I wound our way back from Houtbay to the Seapoint-side. Unperturbed by the holiday maker's traffic, and simply happy to enjoy each other's company as the day wound down. While we cruised through Camps Bay Natey said, "Mommy is not angry. Mommy is not sad. Mommy is happy."
I said, "Yes, I am very happy. Is Natey happy too?"
He said, "Natey also happy"
We drove on in amicable silence. He then said, "Mommy is beautiful"
I was amazed. I'd only heard him say the word 'beautiful' once before (in Rome - more about that in another post). I wondered who had taught him the word. I decided it was Minda, who must have coached him. Still I was positively glowing with love and happiness. Could the day have been any more perfect!?

As we got towards Seapoint I said, "Hey Natey do you want to go to the beach?". He of course said yes. So I turned off at the first opportunity in Bantry Bay and went to a beach I'd never been to before. Natey walked down the stairs and onto the beach himself. We sat on a rock and hugged. I took his last 3 beautiful photos and posted all 3 on Facebook right there. We chatted, he played with stones and shells, and we just soaked up the calm golden warmth of the evening.

After a while we went home. I got us out the car and unpacked and then suggested we swim. He was keen. So we went out on the deck and stripped off. Me to my underwear and him naked. We had a glorious relaxed and cuddly swim. I wanted to climb out. He said "Swim more mommy". I told him I was cold, so wanted to get out, but that he could swim some more if he wanted to and I'd watch him. He said no and decided to get out. We cuddled in the big towel in the last evening sunshine. Then we went inside. (Where I am sure I closed the baby gate leading to the deck. Surely I must have? I always did. I always nagged other people about it!)

Then I started making dinner. Put on a load of laundry. Washed dishes. Copied a movie onto our hard drive to watch later. Made us each tea. Fed the dog and cat... And I actually think I stopped to marvel at how amazing this day was and how everything was just easy and RIGHT. I think I even smugly thought, "I am winning at life today!". Stupid fucking fool!!

Natey was wandering around with me as I went about things, commenting, chatting, helping, asking what I was doing, as he would, "What you doing?", "Why you do that?" And then he appeared with a handful of dog food. I said "Natey. What you doing?"
To which he cheekily replied, "I messing the dog food"
Me: "Why did you do that?"
Him: "Why you do that?" (He never ever did answer that question with anything other than repeating "Why you do that?")

Honestly, I was not bothered. I even thought, "Ag whatever, the dog can eat off the ground..." But I halfheartedly asked him to go clean it up. He disappeared out the back door, down to the dog bowl and came back a short while later. I asked if he'd cleaned up and he gave me one of those head cocked to the side looks as if to say "Lady, do you really want me to answer you?" I think I tickled him and said "You're so naughty!" and just left it at that.

I was still making dinner and pottering about, and then saw I'd missed a bunch of Whatsapp messages from Andrew during the day. Feeling a bit bad that I had hardly communicated with him all day, or much the day before, and being conscious about wanting to connect properly with the important people in my life, I wanted to respond. Natey was asking for Play-dough. I got it out, opened it up and put it on his table. I squashed it down and put a shape in it to show him what to do. I told him I was just going to go talk to daddy quickly.

He followed me. He asked me to play with the dough. He also wanted food. So I gave him a small snack, as we were going to be eating dinner shortly. I had a directory of photos open on my laptop. I wanted to look for photos of Ollie to post in a dedication to him on his Facebook page. I remember clearly thinking "I really want to do this, but I don't have to right now. It can wait. Right now I am spending time with Natey. I can do this when he is asleep".

So instead I flicked over to Whatsapp and sent about 7 lines to respond to Andrew's messages. This was at 19:57-19:58 (I still have the time stamped messages.)

I then listened. It was quiet. Weirdly quiet. Too quiet. I almost called out, instead I got up and walked to the dinning room, just a few paces away, around the corner.

Natey was not at his table. I immediately thought "Oh he's gone back down to the dog food". I was about to head through the kitchen to the backdoor to look down the stairs, when my instinct told me to 'sweep the pool'. Something I have always done. Every time I am not sure where a child is I always check the pool first. By default and as a routine. No part of me thought he was near the pool. I knew he wasn't. I nearly turned back, feeling silly...

Then I noticed the dog sitting out on the pool deck. I didn't think about it really. but how did he get out there? What was he doing there? Why was he sitting there, weirdly still, just staring into the distance?? So I walked out to the deck. Glanced at the pool and saw nothing. I almost turned back again. I called Natey's name this time... I think my sub-conscience realised that if he was by the dog food the dog would have been with him, right...? I walked another 2 steps forward, to where I could see right down into the pool - and was horrified to see Natey there at the bottom of the pool...

RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!

WHAT THE FUCK!?? He was JUST standing next to me. Not 2 minutes before. I had JUST said, "Let me just talk to daddy quickly". Not annoyed, or in anger, or pushing him away. In a light and friendly way.

I bounded into the water, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him up. As I brought him up my main concern was that he was going to be crying and upset, and what a shame it was that I had created this sad blip on an otherwise perfect day... But then I realised it was far worse that that. He was not coughing, or spluttering, or choking. Or Anything.

I rushed inside with him, grappling with his wet slippery naked body, pretty much falling over the baby gate and trying to hold him head down so the water would drain out of him. I put him down on the dinning room carpet and started mouth-to-mouth and did some chest compressions...

That sound of the air automatically exhaling after you do mouth-to-mouth will haunt me forever. Every. Fucking. Time. It happens I am convinced the person is breathing!! (I had also watched this just 2 months before when a colleague collapsed at our team-building event and I helped the guys with CPR efforts before the paramedics arrived... Sadly we watched our colleague die that day. But still the CPR was fresh in my mind. I knew the drill.).

After a very short time I realised I needed more help. I needed to get assistance, and an ambulance. Knowing our neighbour down the road had his full contingent of armed security standing guard a few hundred meters away,  I picked Natey up and I ran out to the street clutching him in my arms, pushing our alarm panic-button on the way out. I yelled out to the guards, "Help! Do you know CPR?!"

They saw me and came running up to us. By which time I had put Natey down next to the driveway and was carrying on doing CPR myself. I also sucked some saliva and vomit out of his mouth. Once they arrived and seemed to indicate they knew what to do, I let them take over. I told them he'd fallen in the pool and wasn't breathing. And they got started. I asked them to call an ambulance too and then ran back in to the house to grab a phone. I got the house phone and my mobile and ran back out to make sure they were doing CPR properly. I fumbled the phones and couldn't remember what number to dial but eventually dialed 107, and managed to place the call.

Ages and ages seemed to pass. I still ran inside pulled on some shorts (I was still just in my underwear) and then phoned again. They told me I had just called. I told them then why was NO ONE coming? They told me that were coming and to wait. I know I made what I think was the second call to 107 at 20:05. that's 5-6 minutes after sending the Whatsapps! (The SMS reference for the first call came through at 20:06, less than 7 minutes after. That was after finding him, doing CPR myself, taking him outside, doing more CPR, handing over to the security guys, going back into the house, going back out again, and then dialing and making the call to the emergency services. He can't have been alone for more than a minute or 2.

How in that time could he have got out onto the deck and climbed into the pool? Silently, with no noise from the gate. No talking. No dog bark. No splash. And more importantly WHY!?? WHY did he go out there? What was he doing?!

(Later that night we found his beloved front-loader truck floating in the pool. It had not been in the pool before. It was drying just outside the door from the day before. He must have climbed in with it. Gone down onto the second step... and? What?? Reached out for it and slipped in??)

How can that happen so fast!!!!? How can the child who'd stayed pinned to me in blissful loving amicability all day, telling me every thought and feeling, just wander off like that? I can't can't can't make sense of it or understand it. My brain just can't erase that image of my beautiful perfect baby. Andrew's beautiful perfect baby. Lying there at the bottom of the pool. Probably dead already when I found him.

How the fuck can that have happened when I loved him so much and when I was RIGHT THERE, with him, watching him and caring for him? Loving him and playing with him? Consciously focusing on him.

WHY was I so stupid to not let Andrew get someone to help me watch him?  Why was I selfish about wanting to have him to myself??

I failed Natey. And Andrew. My boys and myself. I should have played dough with him like he asked me to!

I frantically called Andrew, the alarm was still blaring. He was riding his bike home. I told him to get home immediately. He jumped in a taxi as fast as he could.

I was getting more and more anxious because the ambulances were just not arriving. I was running up and down, fetching towels, blankets, pillows, my handbag, pulling dry clothes on. Just running up and down as if that was doing any good! Pacing, praying. Wringing my hands. Asking why no one was coming!!??

Eventually the security guys said, "We have a siren, do you want to go?" I said yes. And so we piled into their Mercedes armoured vehicle. They turned on the siren and drove like mad-men, racing and hooting, accelerating, braking hard... Go go go! After 4-5 blocks an ambulance passed us speeding up the hill. Our driver  veered to the side of the road. The ambulance turned around and came back to us. And then another arrived and then another and another and another, and police and who knows who else? There must have been 4-6 ambulances, paramedics and police cars. We all piled out on the side of the road. The paramedics got to work. At first asking about the scar on his chest. I explained it was an aortic valve condition, but that it was fixed and he was fine. Please to just save him. They got an oxygen pipe in and got an ECG trace going... There was no heartbeat. NO FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!! I watched as they did CPR. Chest compressions, oxygen, adrenaline... There was a some movement on the ECG, then nothing, then something. I was praying to a god I don't believe in, begging, pleading, bargaining. I called Andrew again (at 20:19). Sobbing. Begging him to just get there... Stupidly believing that once he arrived everything would be ok. It always is when he is there.

I paced. I watched. I waited. Some well-meaning bystanders tried to make me go sit down, where I couldn't see or be 'upset'. Fuck that. I was staying right there. Watching. Willing. Being responsible. Wanting it to be ok. Andrew's cab pulled up and he rushed over.

We held each other. We watched. I said I was sorry. I nearly passed out. I thought I was going to faint, or vomit, or die. I wanted to.

I was chanting, "Breathe baby" under my breath.
Andrew said, "He's not going to make it".
I just said "No no no no no no".
They said "Let's go to the hospital"
A ray of hope!?

We all piled in to various vehicles. The security guys took Andrew and I in the Mercedes. We flew off in 4-5 vehicles. Sirens blaring on all of them. The whole of Sepoint and Fresnaye knew something bad was going on. We arrived at the hospital at 9pm. We went into the ER. A female doctor dressed in all black scrubs (I have never seen that before?). Took one look and said to the team, "Why did you come here?"

They hesitated and then glanced at us. Someone turned to us and said, "Can we take you to the Comfort Room?"
Andrew said "No we are staying"
I said "We won't interfere, please just do what you need to do."
They were still doing CPR. It was 21:05.
The paramedic looked at the doctors and said, "We've been doing CPR for an hour. We came because we wanted to show the parents we were doing everything we could."

That line told me what I needed to know. It was over. He was gone. The love of my life. The absolute love and light of Andrew's life. The light of Quinn and Griffin, Melinda, all of our families and everyone that knew or even saw him, was gone. Dead.

They all walked out then. And pulled the door closed. Leaving Natey lying there on the stretcher. And Andrew and I just standing there. Andrew took out his phone and started taking photos. He also used a pair of scissors to cut a lock of Natey's hair off. Realising he was never going to reach his milestone 3rd birthday and first haircut...

I immediately walked up to Natey and started taking everything off him. Andrew looked concerned and kind of did a double take then (I think he was wondering if I was allowed to be doing that.), I didn't care. I carefully pulled out the oxygen tube, pulled off the ECG probes, pulled out the IV line. I picked up my beautiful perfect baby boy, wrapped him in his blanket and went to sit down with him.

I sat there with him, cradling him to my chest, smelling him, breathing him in, kissing him over and over. Waiting for him to just open those beautiful eyes and be fine. He looked like he was sleeping. He was soft and warm, his lips were full and rosy. He felt like he was THERE.

After a while they took us to the Forensic Pathology Services (aka the Morgue) in the ambulance. We had to say goodbye to him there and hand him over. We had to talk to officials, police men, paramedics. Nothing made sense. I have no idea what happened there.

A kindly police constable took us home afterwards. Where we didn't sleep. The next morning we had to go back and see him again at the morgue to 'identify the body'. Worst experience ever.

Our beautiful baby. Beautiful beautiful beautiful boy. Our perfect fairy-tale.
The End.