It's been a full month since you left. Not counting our last night which we spent together that night you left us. That's 30 nights and 30 days without you now.
30 is an interesting number for me.
You left on the 30th.
My birthday is on the 30th.
The second cycle of Jewish mourning is for 30 days. The first 30 days are called 'shloshim', from the word meaning "thirty", and represents a full-lunar cycle since the loved one's passing. (The 1st cycle is 7 days, and 3rd cycle completes the first year)
When I was 30 I went on my first trip to Thailand (the place on earth I feel most drawn to and spiritual about. While there I got a tattoo with 2 geckos in a yin-yang design.)
And then the symbol OM... to me always looks like the number 30.
And since you left I have felt such a compulsion to go back into my yoga practise and to find me, and my balance and centre again.
As I am writing this I am actually listening to the chanting of the Gayatri Mantra - which I learned at a workshop with my yoga teacher while I was pregnant with you Natey. Do you remember it?
om bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tát savitúr váreṇ(i)yaṃ
bhárgo devásya dhīmahi
dhíyo yó naḥ prachodayāt
I feel like I need to find and take time in my busy, focused and driven life, to slow down, and go inwards, to feel, learn and remember who I am and what my journey is.
When I was on a course in November just before our Rome trip, we had to write '30' on a card - which we could hold up at any point if we thought we needed to move on, and if someone was babbling too much or going off track. It indicated that the person it was directed at should wrap up within 30 seconds - I actually drew an OM symbol instead...
So with 30-days behind us since you went, it seems like 30-seconds and a life-time.
I miss you beautiful boy. It's so hard to understand. I wonder why. I doubt and question myself. I feel so very responsible. It feels like so much of your potential was wasted. It feels like there could have and should have been so much more.
But I also feel more grounded, aware, spiritual and ready to step into a new phase, than I have for a long time.
I feel like your life, your laughter, light, your love was meant to teach me and guide me.
I am trying to listen, learn, lean in, love and let go, to trust myself to follow where it wants to take me.
Guide me Natey. Om....
Jane I think about you guys every single day when I walk past the pool. Every day I look at my son and know that somehow, his story, was not Natey's when it very well almost was. I am so glad that you are using this horrible experience to find some good, some growth and I pray that you find it. That your heart will heal in time. Not forgetting Andrew....I pray that he too will heal...I read a lot of your blog and I know how wanted Natey was. I think that is what hurts my soul...knowing this boy was so wanted and so loved. BUt sadly asking...why him? changes nothing....
ReplyDelete