Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Today was a tough day...

Today was a tough day, because it was full of meetings that I had to attend at work. And the usual conflict and heated debates are starting up again, the usual deadlines, demands, and overwhelming load to juggle is coming back. I need to get back on my game to be able to catch up and keep up again.

Today was a tough day, because in under 2 weeks I start a PGDip, a serious qualification requiring a serious commitment of time, effort and attention. Can I do it? I don't know? Can I not... no I have to try. I can not give up on it now. The reading material and pre-assignment arrived today and has to be in by 5 Feb. It's overwhelming already.

Today was a tough day, because 10 minutes before I had to leave work, early, to fetch Quinn to take him to a new ENT - as it was time for his annual ear clean-out - I lost my mobile phone. I left it somewhere in the building at work. I ran up and down for 15 minutes and then had to leave without it. So I was unable to contact Quinn, or the doctor's office or get their address or contact details etc... And then I realised I have so many photos and Natey memories on my phone that were not backed up....

Today was a tough day, because the new ENT's office is in the New Christiaan Barnard hospital. So not only were we stuck in traffic, late, and I had no phone to communicate with, but I also had to drive to and past the ER we took Natey to where he was pronounced dead. I had to drive right in there and past the door.

Today was a tough day, because when we finally found the doctor's office, we had to walk past the empty office next door, with the name Dr Oliver Raynham neatly tuck on the door... only that office is unfinished and empty and dear Doc Ollie will never be able to fill it.

Today was a tough day because I popped into the gym. Too late for my usual spin-class. But I was there last week, clearly looking less fun and happy than usual. But my regular instructor saw me and came over to ask if I am feeling better this week. I said no not really, and after a few light-hearted and well meaning comments on his part 'It's not so bad' 'Chin up' type stuff... I had to tell him. Which left me clutching him and shaking and sobbing onto his shoulder...

Today was a tough day, because 2 beautiful and loving friends got me the most kind and thoughtful gift. A beautiful Pandora charm of an angel wing, with 'Nate' carved into it, and a leather thing so I can wear it close to me heart. What a beautiful, kind, generous and thoughtful gift.

Today was a tough day, because a beautiful kind and caring soul, someone I went to school with, but was never close friends with, and who  befriended on Facebook. We've liked some of eachother's posts over the past few years... gifted me

Today was a tough day, because while I feel and appreciate SO MUCH LOVE from everybody, my heart hurts so much. I don't deserve gifts, or attention, or to be so showered with love and kindness.

Today was a tough day, and this feeling of being more loved, but lest deserving than any time in my whole life is so very confusing.

Today was a tough day, because you are not here Natey, and you are all I want and all that matters.

Today was a tough day...


  1. "my heart hurts so much. I don't deserve gifts, or attention, or to be so showered with love and kindness". No, no, no! You are wrong Jane, you do deserve it. You are such a kind and gentle friend. You deserve love, you deserve kindness, you deserve compassion, you deserve friends.

  2. You do deserve more than gifts and attention. You deserve all the love and kindness you are getting. We are all just one moment away from such a tragedy xx

  3. So touched by your posts ... be kind to yourself. You are indeed deserving of all the love and kindness and comfort in the world.

    Thinking of you a lot - my heart hurts for you and I wish you all the comfort and healing and gentleness that you need ...

  4. My heart hurts for you constantly Jane. I just. cannot comprehend your pain, it is far too much. No one should ever have to go through this.

    You are so deserving of love and gifts and good thoughts.

  5. You so deserve it and would do the same for any of us if we were hurting like you are. None of us can take away the pain so all what we can do is love you and your family. Gestures and gifts and little things to try and love on you. I am sorry it was a bad day, and for the bad ones ahead.
    Last week when I ran I just couldn't. I thought of heart ache and how my heart had this literal hole in which meant less oxygen which meant I couldn't run. Then last night in the mountains in Kirstenbosch I kept on thinking beautiful, beautiful and how Natey had started using that word. So I ran and chatted to him in my head picturing him saying beautiful and then I told him right now you were too sad to run and see it but next year when your heart is a little better you will also get to see beautiful, beautiful.

  6. My hearts so much for you. :( I read your words and just cry.

  7. Be kind to yourself. Your pain, anguish and guilt are too much for a body to bear. Let those around you near and far send as much love as they can. Your load is too heavy, accept that every one you have touched feels the need to try and help you carry it even if it just for a few seconds or a minute.

    You are more than deserving of this. You have touched so many lives both now and before. You've helped when you had no idea you were. You have given of yourself without realising that you are.

    Let those whom you've touched so deeply and helped with life long changes try be there for you in even the smallest of ways.

    Without a shadow of a doubt I know you would do the same for them were they walking this painful and excruciating path that you are on.

    I wish I were more eloquent or that I could wrap my arms around you right in this moment. You are deserving and for as long as you will allow it people will keep reaching out to you.

  8. Aah Jane. I am so dearly sorry. You deserve every bit of love we all have to offer. I wish I could give you the best gift of all, to bring Natey back. But I can't. And for that I feel angry and so hurt reading the pain you are feeling. You don't deserve this pain. Gosh this post just brought me to tears. You need to please be easier on yourself. I'm so so so sorry. Please look after yourself. Natey would want that. He wouldn't want you hurting so much. Easier said than done, I know. I am sorry for everything you are feeling. I really do wish I could make it all better. Change everything. Please take care... Lots of love Shahnaaz xxx

  9. Many tough days ahead.... xxxx :(