Touch wood & don't step on the cracks...

I have developed quite a fear of acknowledging that I am happy, because whether it is my subconscious sabotaging me, or karma, or who knows what..? Every time I do it, it screws up, almost immediately... it seems so tenuous.

Case in point... last time I wrote about how happy I was before a week-end away with J, leaving on that Friday. It didn't end up at all as I had expected, even though we did have a good time, I noticed a distance in him, and I felt rather avoided at times. It signaled the beginning of the end of that... and brought much heart ache and angst and tears for me. It took me about 6 weeks to really accept the fact the he 'just wasn't that into me', even though I had really fallen deeply for him and with complete abandon - which I had thought was reciprocated.

I had to deal with it, toughen myself up again and move forward. But it took me much longer than I expected and for a few months after I held on to a small hope that we'd actually get back together.

Suddenly one day I realised I had stopped looking at his face book updates, and thinking about him, and wanting to speak to him, and having my heart stop if I saw an email from him - holding my breath when opening it, just in case... When my mom died, and I was bombarded with (mostly very much appreciated) phone calls, to the point of saturation. And when he called I actually decided not to answer. That was the moment I knew I was over him. I no longer needed him, and in that moment I didn't want him either.

We are still friends - I think - and I'd like to still see him in future, but he is no longer an emotional attachment for me. He is a friend now.

I have avoided forming emotional attachments since then. I hadn't wanted to. A is sweet, and kind, and caring, and good, and clever. But I did not want to get emotionally intense. I held back, I fought it, I resisted, I was fierce about being independent. I wanted space, distance and autonomy. I knew I couldn't feel deeply. I knew I wasn't going to let myself get attached. I don't know why, but I know I had barriers. It may have been largely because of the experience with J, and because I was still processing that...

So when I got to the point of deciding I actually didn't need, and moreover even really WANT anyone in my life, I felt pretty liberated, free and relieved. I was reveling in my aloneness and ability to do as I please when I please. To take long baths, listen to my music as loud as I like, stretch across my bed and watch crap on my laptop, in bed, as late as I liked. I was content and fulfilled. By myself...

So no one was more surprised than me, when out of the blue and seeming out of the sky, C appeared and literally just happened into my life... he says he'd seen me running several times before, and on the day we met he'd seen me running and the boys were cycling behind me. He has been close yet far for a year or so, and we have worked out that we must have almost met about a dozen times. But didn't until then...

I am still full of barriers, barricades and fears. I am still not able to really trust, or believe, or feel unconditional. I am no longer capable of wild abandon. But I am hoping I'll be able to learn. And I am hoping if I say it quietly it will be ok...

But I feel a bit of happiness creeping in...

On cliff jumping & barrier breaking...

" Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

And the award goes to...

I had my performance appraisal at work almost 2 months ago. It went very well and I was given a nice performance based bonus and 5% increase at the time. I was thrilled! Having been a contractor for 10 years previously bonuses were unheard of and increases are generally pretty sparse too, and especially in this financial climate I was really over the moon about it. I had just been happy with finally having paid leave and sick leave here, and frankly just HAVING a job right now was my main priority with the recent retrenchments . I wasn't even expecting an increase...

I really like working here. It is a great company and has an excellent balance between fun, and challenging, and it is interesting enough without being too all consuming and stressful. It really is a perfect fit for me right now and where I am in my life and with my kids. I almost never wake up not wanting to go to work, and the days I do are only because I am sick and/or tired, not because I don't want to be here. I know I am very lucky in this and I don't take it for granted.

I am the IT Team Leader & Project Manager and I am also on the social committee. 1.5 days ago I was told I had to quickly arrange braai function for lunch time today - for 110 people! Apparently they wanted to announce some awards and wanted to make it a bit more festive by giving everyone lunch and a bit of a social. We have been VREK busy in IT this week though with one disaster after the next, so I quickly delegated most of the stuff and got on with my own job and all the crises we have been having.

Anyway, so a short while ago we were having the braai. I decided to go out for a bit to see how it was going, because the weather is good, else I would have stayed working. The director gathered everyone together to make the announcements for our 6-monthly company awards. He announced the winner of the shield for the Best SA Sales Person for the past 6 months, and it was someone from the Forex Team, and then he said and, "The award for Best SA Operations person, is ... someone in IT again..." and it was ME!

I can not believe it! That was totally unexpected!

Now she's coming through

She's a Star - James

Whenever she's feeling empty
Whenever she's feeling insecure
Whenever her face is frozen
Unable to fake it anymore
Her shadow is always with her
Her shadow will always keep her small
So frightened that he wont love her
She builds up a wall

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark

She's a star

She's been in disguise forever
She's tried to disguise her stellar views
Much brighter than all this static
Now she's coming through

Oh no, she knows where to hide in the dark
Oh no, she's nowhere to hide in the dark

She's a star

Don't tell her to turn down,
Put on your shades if you can't see,
Don't tell her to turn down,
Turn up the flame.
She's a star

It's a long road
It's a great cause
It's a long road
Its a good call
You got it,
You got it,

SHE'S A STAR

Randomz

Quinn has taken a liking to surfing after his week-long holiday camp where (among other cool things) he got to try it out a couple of times. So he has finally had an approved (by me) usage for his 'granny money' and now has a second hand surf board and wet suit. We'll report back on how it goes. I am looking forward to watching him try it out!

Griffin has been given a pair of roller-blades and can be found failing/falling everywhere from the street, to the kitchen to the grass in the park on them. I have warned him not to land in the swimming pool,with them on. That would probably not end well!

The blades don't really fit Quinn, but they'll be sharing both items. They are both doing great at the moment and our little family is ticking along nicely. It makes me feel good.

They are of course chuffed as anything with their new toys. I'll take photos of them in action soon.

Work is ok, although yesterday was a day from hell where everything that could have gone wrong with our network did. ARGH!! It was an all-day long avalanche of shite and hair pulling, until the directors weren't even anxious about it anymore and everyone just backed off and let us get it resolved, somehow, anyhow. What a cock-up! Still the end result is good and we now have proof of the things we have been on about and management is taking notice. Finally.

I seem to be getting some fitness back. I have run almost every day for about 3 weeks now, and have done about 130km this month already. Last night despite the hectic day at work, and feeling like curling in the foetal position and rocking back and forth, I got out there and did a run anyway. And it ROCKED. I managed to pump hard up the hill and felt quite strong even. YEE-HA!

I have a girl's night out for wine and pizzas (mostly wine) tonight. I can't wait! It is going to be fun.

The warmer weather has been wonderful too. I am sure winter is far from over, but this year I haven't loved the cold and rain so much and have far preferred the warmer sunshiny days. I have needed them. That and being in the mountain. I have gone into the mountains a good few times this winter. It really makes me feel centered and calm again.

I am in a very good place right now. I have seen nearly ALL my family in the past couple of weeks. My mom (dead), my gran (turning 90 in a couple of months), both my sisters, my dad and my step mother. It was good to reconnect with everyone, and good to finally wrap up all my mother issues and be able to once and for all move ON.

I actually feel like I have metamorphosised in some way and shed a lot of old stuff and have come into myself suddenly. Like I suddenly know who I am and where I am going. I am ready to take flight.

I have booked (and paid for) 2x flights for the boys and I to go to JHB. Once in December for my step-sister's wedding, and then again in February when we'll be traveling into the Berg to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday. I am very much looking forward to both.

This is what I wanna be

"Suddenly I See" - KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
(Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I’ll find my fish, I’m colourful

This is one of my favourites, from one of my favorite bands.

The Parlotones - Colourful

Honey you’re my favourite
I wonder do you feel the same
honey you’re delicious
I wonder do I taste the same

I’m an old romantic
sitting here clutching my bleeding heart
if I’m not good enough
then I’ve had enough let’s make this fast
who cares I’ll find my fish I’m colourful

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some handsome knight in shining armour
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

well honey you’re the reason
for this poet-inspired love affair
honey this is treason the king is gone Rapunzel let down your hair

I’m an old romantic
sitting here clutching my bleeding heart
if I’m not good enough
then I’ve had enough let’s make this fast
who cares I’ll find my fish I’m colourful

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some handsome knight in shining armour
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

You lift me up take me higher higher
you fill me up with desire.
You lift me up take me higher higher
you fill me up with desire.

I get so nervous I stutter stutter
I am so clumsy I fumble stumble
I’m not some romance god but does it matter?
I’m colourful, I’m colourful
I’m colourful, I’m colourful

That’s a whole lot better

This song caught my attention today...

James - Bubbles

Take an axe to your past
To your family tree
Carve a face from the wood
An effigy

Make wings from the leaves
Hide from the bark
Kindling
for the hair
Rose for his heart

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light

Draw the blue from the skies
into his eyes
Carve the lines on his face
A map of the race

Juice from the root of a beet for his skin
Set the tides
of the blood
with the pulse of the drum

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light
I’m alive
I’m alive

Wash the boy in the stream
So tenderly
Press his lips to your lips
Give him your breath
He awakes with the weight
of the vision he holds
Sees the rent in time
through which he must fold

Someone to draw you right
Someone to catch the light
I’m alive
I’m alive…

Stir the heart with a drum
Kiss smoke in his mouth
Show him signs of a life
That’s a whole lot better

And he calls down the rain
Tornadoes & hurricanes
There’s a world in his veins
That’s a whole lot better
I’m alive
I’m alive…

Fingers raised to the sky
A snake for a spine
He’s drunk on a life
That’s a whole lot better

Teach him songs of the bees
Double helix and honey comb
Play him wind through the leaves
That’s a whole lot better
Alive, I’m alive…

I heart Spike

Customer Service still exists out there, and in the most surprising place too.

Years ago I had a Ford Laser. The brakes were grinding so I took it to a place called 'Brake & Clutch'. Makes sense right? Anyway they decided the disks were worn and needed skimming. But on a Ford Lazer if you take the disks off they get damaged, so they'd need replacing... at R3500. This was around 10 years ago hey! I said 'No freaking way!' and took my business elsewhere.

I phoned around and found the lovely Spike in Pinelands. Yes, that is his real name. He talks to you clearly, and in English and not condescendingly or like you are retarded (Since I do know a thing or 2 about cars). He explained that he could do the same job for R600. Because although yes the disks did indeed need skimming, and yes they would be damaged if removed, he could and would skim them ON the car. Cool, Sold!

I was thrilled with the service and the MASSIVE saving. Since then I took my car to Spike every time it needed anything. He would always diagnose, explain, give options and make a recommendation. Spike is fabulous. You know he is telling the truth and he has total unequivocal integrity. I mean he is the kind of guy who will drive your car with knees around his ears so as not to mess with your settings. So when you get in it, your car is just the way you left it.

He is always friendly, polite, courteous and simply nice. Always happy to drop you off, and collect you again. And the prices are never shocking. Ever.

In 2004 I sold my Ford and got a Hyundai Elantra. I serviced it with Spike. One day the distrubutor packed in and I NEEDED the car that day. I called Spike. But that part (Distributor cap) is not a spare they carry and it would need to be ordered. Damn. I had no choice so I placed the order. I was about to cancel all my meetings for the day, when he called back to say as luck would have it that had another Hyundai in having distributor work done, and if I come over now they'd use that cars new distributor for me, and the newly ordered one could go in that car later. 30 minutes later I was sorted and on my way... No extra charge at all. He is THAT amazing.

Anyway, I had not been there for years. I got my Panda in 2006 and don't think I was there for 1-2 years beore that.

Last week my brakes on the Panda started grinding. Fiat wanted about R1400 to replace them... *sigh* I phoned a few places looking for spares and getting quotes, when I finally remembered good old Spike. I was told he was away on leave but I booked the car in for today anyway.

This morning I arrived and there he was. He knew my name and said, 'You work at Old Mutual don't you, and drive a Hyundai?' Holy CRAP how is that for a memory?? I had to update his impressive memory database with my new info and I left him with my Panda.

He phoned later to tell me there was a slight problem and that those brake pads are not really available outside the dealerships yet, because the car is still so new and relatively uncommon, but that the brakes are not that bad, but I'd probably need to go to the dealer sooner or later.

When I was collected to fetch my car he surprised me by telling me he had managed to make a plan with some local pads and my car was now good to go for another few years, total cost R550. And my car was all washed and clean and lovely.

Spike is da man!

Raindrops

This is my favourite song at the moment.

The Basement Jaxx ROCK.


In a desert
You're standing
A silhouette
In motion

On the glory afternoons in June I need you
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
You'll feel so good upon my lips
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
Even though you're a million miles away

There's a space out there
And then when we can move

On the glory afternoons in June I need you
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
You'll feel so good upon my lips
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
Even though you're a million miles away
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
You feel so good upon my lips
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
Even though you're a million miles away

You taste so great, on my lips
You taste so good, on my lips
Your moisture drips upon my lips
Just like a waterfall Straight through the heart of me

Raindrops
Raindrops
Raindrops, raindrops
Raindrops, raindrops
Raindrops, raindrops

Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
You'll feel so good upon my lips
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
Even though you're a million miles away
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
You'll feel so good upon my lips
Just like raindrops (Just like raindrops)
Even though you're a million miles away

When I want you, I'll follow you
I'll follow you
When I want you, I'll follow you
I'll follow you

Be Coming

"When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be"

Verb-all

Quite a few people have done this, so here we go...

I am: alive. Free, single and ok!

I have: a horribly puffy eye from my chlorine exposure yesterday. A lesson that I need to take care of MYSELF properly too.

I know: I am strong, capable and independent.

I think: a lot. Often too much. Although I am learning to think less. It's good.

I don’t think: I want another partner like Richard again. I am learning that I want and need something quite different. (If at all).

I want: to go to Thailand again, and many many other places too.

I have: to raise my children well and put them first. It is my main responsibility always.

I like: my job and the company I work for.

I dislike: talking on the phone.

I hate: I don't hate easily. But I do hate feeling like I have let people down, or they are disappointed in me.

I dream: quite a lot. Nothing notable recently apart from quite a gruesome dream a couple of days after my mom died, about a man with a gushing bloody nose.

I fear: that I am not good enough.

I am annoyed: by too much clutter, noise and mess. It makes me feel unable to be mentally calm.

I crave: Peanut Butter

I usually: Run 20-40km per week. I LOVE it.

I search: for contentment and comfort (emotional mostly)

I hide: behind humour sometimes.

I wonder: if my children will end up feeling about me, the way I felt about my mom. I really really hope not, and I try hard to prevent that from happening.

I know: I am ok. I know myself (now).

I just can’t help: having a 16-year old boy sense of humour.

I regret: giving up the Ubuntu job. Even though I really HAD to. That was really phenomenal. I still miss it lots 3 years later.

I love: quietly but deeply. I am a bit reserved about showing love openly now.

I can’t live without: yoga. It keeps me sane, nurtured, grounded and alive.

I try to: be a good person, and do the right thing.

I enjoy: being in the mountains.

I don’t care: about status, brand names and keeping up with the Jones'.

I always: try to admit it, if I am wrong.

I never want to: re-live the last 18 months again!

I rely on: my domestic and nanny Tiny a LOT. Without her I would not have coped. She is an angel.

I believe: in being true to myself. Listening to my mind, body and soul.

I dance: terribly. But the crazy dance parties in my bedroom are the best!

I sing: The worst. Seriously I am bad. Luckily the boys haven't noticed yet and allow me to belt along badly to songs and get the lyrics wrong etc.

I argue: a lot. But I am learning not to so much. People must have their own opinions, and do their own research and come to their own conclusions. I am not going to argue with people about their beliefs and opinions.

I write: on my blog as a record, release and way to vent. There's nowhere I else I can really do that.

I win: running beer challenges!

I lose: not much. I am quite organised and together with keeping track of stuff.

I wish: I could work half-day and spend the afternoons with my boys.

I listen: to music as much as I can.

I don’t understand: why almost every relationship I know (long term and otherwise) seems to be splitting up now. It saddens me that almost no one can really make it work now.

I’m scared of: screwing up my children.

I forget: not much.

I am happy: when I feel safe, loved and enough.

Dork of Hazzard

Frik. I have become a hazard to myself. I swear I used to be much more sensible and together and now suddenly I am doing the stupidest things!

Like a fool I got a bee in my bonnet about cleaning the pool earlier while it was raining. By the time I wanted to put the chlorine in it was raining hard so I was flinging cupfuls at the pool from the Lapa. Fark just saying that I can see how bloody stupid that was...

Anyway so I went inside and a few minutes later my eyes were itching. Like a cat allergy itch. So I start rubbing them. Then I started sneezing, and then my nose was running etc etc. Eventually my eyes started swelling closed and I was thinking 'crap I am getting flu', but it came on in minutes. EVENTUALLY I realise 'holy shit it's the CHLORINE!' after I blew my nose and it was that yellowy green Hydrochloric acid colour.

So I just immersed myself in the bath and rinsed and rinse and snorted water etc etc.

I am mostly ok apart from irritated throat and very swollen eyes (think mumps type swelling). I can breathe etc fine.

I am such a twit really!

I was starting to panic mildly because when I was about 13 we visited someone in hospital who had inhaled chlorine and his lungs were full of fluid. He was in ICU for a while and in hospital for several days.

I may have a bit of that but for now I can definitely still inhale, though not very deeply. I think I am ok. My eyes were getting freaky swollen, but now they seem stable and may have gone down a little already.

My first worry about my lungs was that I won't be able to run tomorrow... I'm not addicted I swear.... um I can stop any time I like. Really! ;)

Second worry is that I look like a FREAK. Hahaha.

What's done is done

and can't be undone...

My mom on her birthday in 2003

Today was long, tiring and quite heavy.

The day went pretty well, my sisters and I went out for breakfast this morning to discuss the paperwork side of things (surprise surprise my mom left me with a 1/4 share of debts - thankfully it's not TOO bad though). We sat and chatted for a while, starting with the emotional heavy stuff, and the hurt and sadness etc towards our mom and reasons for us all choosing to cut her out of our lives at various times, with only Belinda really being there for her in the past 2 years. But after while we were done and we started remembering the funny and happy stuff too, so that was good.

The memorial was much more emotional than I had expected it to be, and I did end up crying quite a bit. First for my mom, and then for my ingrained feeling of not being mothered at all ever (which has left me feeling unworthy and inadequate for the most part), and then for my daughter, and then for my failed marriage, and then for my children. So basically I was crying about everything. But then I was done and it was over and I feel better now and like it is a chapter which is now closed.

All in all I think the day turned out well and we needed to go through it.

Memories

Todays is my mother's memorial service and ash scattering ceremony...

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

(Elie Wiesel: Oct. 1986)

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

(Kahlil Gibran)

And I can't stop running

Coldplay - Gravity

Baby,
It's been a long time coming,
Such a long, long time.
And I can't stop running,
Such a long, long time.
Can you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear that sound?
Cause I can't help thinking
And I won't stop now

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun,
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone,
On everyone.

Baby,
When your wheels stop turning
And you feel let down
And it seems like troubles
have come all around
I can hear your heart beating,
I can hear that sound,
*but* I can't help thinking.
And I won't look now.

And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone
On everyone

I wake up all alone

I am liking this song at the moment. I am also liking being on my own. It's what I want and need right now...

"So Close, So Far" - HOOBASTANK

I wake up all alone
Somewhere unfamiliar
Been gone so many days I'm losing count
When I think of home I see your face
Though I have to wait

You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

I miss hearing your laughter
All the little things
Forgotten what it's like to hold you
Cuz where I am right now
So unforgiving
It's numbing everything

You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
You're so close yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

(So promise)
No matter how long it takes for me to get back to you
You'll wait for me
(I promise)
No matter how far away I go I'll come back for you
Just wait and see

I miss being at home
I miss your face
Don't think I can wait

You're so close, yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you
So close, yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

In other news...

Friday 3 July 2009 was a big day. Not one I am likely to forget...

Not only does it mark the day my mother died. But my house transfer went through too.

After seeing my mother's body off with the undertakers I went for a run/walk in the forest and mountains. As I was heading back to my car my lawyer phoned with the news that the transfer was finalised.

So another step taken, and another step hopefully closer to a resolution and better and more functional relationship with Richard.
Although I battled for hours to get hold of him and the boys on Friday, so I could tell them the news. I finally got hold of Quinn at about 6pm. Richard did not speak to me.

The boys were dropped of last night and as usual he did not look at or speak to me at all. I had thought he'd acknowledge it in some way, or offer me a hug at least... I guess not. :(

There's a time for us to let go

This morning I was woken by a phone call... it was one of THOSE phone calls.
My mom died this morning at 06:15.

Rest in Peace mom.
Sandra Schoenraad/Fraser/Mathews. (28 Jul 1946 - 3 Jul 2009) :`(

Paul Van Dyk - Time of our lives

There's a time for us to let go
There's a time for holding on
A time to speak, a time to listen
There's a time for us to grow

There's a time for laying low down
There's a time for getting high
A time for peace, a time for fighting
A time to live, a time to die

A time to scream, a time for silence
A time for truth against the lies
A time for faith, a time for science
There's a time for us to shine

There is a time for mixed believing
There's a time to understand
A time for hurt, a time for healing
A time to run to make a stand

Oh, this is the time of our lives
Oh, this is the time of our lives
Oh, this is the time of our lives
...

This is very very hard. It was somewhat expected because she hasn't been well, but even so it is still a shock.

I went to the home she was living in this morning and I was left alone in her room. With her there under a sheet and I was suddenly literally TERRIFIED of looking at her. It's been nearly 3 years since I saw her... I was kneeling there frozen with fear and indecision.

I eventually touched her arm through the sheet and it was still soft and slightly warm. I phoned my sister and bawled my eyes out and told her I didn't know what to do. She told me I must look - to get closure - so after the call I did. It was not easy. She had got so thin and frail and I barely recognised her.

I don't think anything can prepare someone for seeing their parent dead. It was literally shocking. I stayed there with her with my arm on her leg until the undertaker came and they took her body.

My sister is coming down later as she has power of attorney and she wants to be here, so between her and I we are going to take care of everything.

I went out into the mountains afterwards and did a 10+km walk/run - just in what I was wearing - and now my feet really ache, but I needed to be out on my own and with my own thoughts etc. It helped.

I just want to hear and see my babies now, but they went to their dad last night (till Sunday) and I can not get hold of them. Quinn's phone is off.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I may be quiet for a while.

I’m here changing more

I've heard this song twice today and both times it caught my attention, and so it is today's SOTD.

CONSIDER ME - Prime Circle

Do you know who you’re friends are and what they say
Do you know what’s coming round again and again?
Do you know if you’re acting like someone else?
Do you know if it’s dangerous or the safest bet?

Cause I’m here waiting for
I’m here changing more.

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

Is it always the same or just moving along?
Do you have to put that face up to act strong?

And I can’t take anymore, but I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through
Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

I’m here waiting for, something better just to come along
I’m here waiting all this time, waiting for the world
To change it’s mind.
I’m here waiting for something better to come along
I’ll take a chance on you, you take a chance to

Consider me, consider you, consider the world
And what we put it through

I’m here waiting for, something better just to come along
I’m here waiting all this time, waiting for the world
To change it’s mind.