Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Thursday, 4 November 2010

The key to failure is trying to please everybody...

 "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." ~ Bill Cosby

I know I should just let this go and not dwell on it, but I feel like venting a little so here we go.

I am busy. VERY BUSY. At the moment. I am neglecting everyone. My own family and close friends are not getting enough of my time and attention. Heck not even my children are getting enough attention. And I have very little time to myself. I was ratty and even a bit bitchy on what was meant to be a relaxing walk with a friend and kids and dogs on Sunday because really I just wanted some time to MYSELF. I need a time out.

I am working harder than EVER before - seriously doing things like preparing tenders for close on R1M projects in 3 hours, launching projects that are so hectic the dev goes blind an hour before the launch from too much time in front of the screen, sourcing Indian guys to develop for us at short notice and making my boss pay them on blind faith that they WILL deliver what I have promised! Not to mention doing my normal job tasks in between, and our team is so lean I get to do testing, desktop support, reception, pretty much all and anything now too as well. Also the company is retrenching so everyone wants to chat and skinner about that too. It's farking stressful and so so busy and the multitasking required is frankly beyond me. Look I can multi-task, but I have come to realise there are only SO many levels I can handle at once and then things start to unravel. So I have no choice but to prioritise.

Now I am on the redundancy list too. But as an outsourced contractor I don't get retrenched with a package, I just get told, 'Cost cutting', 'Your role is deemed least needed and they don't want to pay'. Yet I am busier than ever - refer to above. Yeah I know it doesn't add up at all. Go figure! So over and above all that I am job hunting too. I have had to turn recruitment agents away when they call me or I miss their calls because I simply do not have time to take on another thing at that time.

And because that's not enough on my plate already, the tenants of my rental house are leaving so I have been looking for new tenants, facilitating viewings of the house and meeting with prospective tenants. Oh and drafting suitably legalese-sounding Addendums to the contract to cover a new-sub-let clause the prospective new tenants have asked for.

And it's Griffin birthday next week so I have been trying to arrange a present for him. (DO NOT EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT CHRISTMAS! I am not even thinking about that yet.)

Oh and Tiny now also doesn't work for me on Thursdays anymore, so I had to do the whole morning breakfast and school lunch thing on my own and short out the house when I got home etc today.

And I have to prepare snacks for the cubs Halloween party tomorrow night - oh crap and for the yoga brunch on Saturday... oh and a picnic event I am going to on Sunday!!

On top of that I have tried to keep up with running, gym & yoga and some socialising in between, as well as facilitating the boy's social lives... crap and homework too!

Right so with that perspective today was a pretty normal day. Not bad, over- stressed or emo really. I thought it went well. But here's how it went:

Woke up, felt super tired and wished I could stay in bed... but that is never an option so I got up.

Got boys up. Cleaned up dog poo and wee in kitchen, set off alarm by mistake. Spoke to ADT assuring them I was fine, and sorry. Made coffee. Got dressed, made sure boys were dressed. Sorted out dishes, fed dog, took dog out, made sure lunch and breakfast was sorted. Left almost on time. Yay, for team work. Got boys to school, got nice kisses and cuddles and felt good. Got to work on time. Yay!

Got stuck into work, sorted a bunch of stuff out. Spoke to colleague who had Tiny at his house today. (Hope that went well! If it did I can give her a slight daily increase and still save a little each week and she'll get a bit more each week and hopeful be happy! Holding Thumbs.) Then I dashed off to fetch driver's license which I've been postponing for a month, then went to car license place. Took longer than I'd hoped, but got it done. Yay. Got back to office and ALL HELL had broken loose. Toys were being thrown out of cots and I was needed to intervene and mediate. Spoke to 3-4 people found out what was up and got stuck in. Intended work went out the window and instead I was in the server room unscrewing bolts and taking out cage nuts, finding power cables and patch leads and packing servers up. Helped to lug the 6x 20kg-each servers to the waiting car and decided to jump in to go for the ride to ensure there was no MORE drama. Got severs to destination at MTN Business and met their techie. Carried Cisco switch, cables, shelving and 1x servers through Great Westerford building and into server room. Had a geek-gasm moment being IN the MTN Business (ex Verizon) server room - slightly astounded at their lax security though! Getting into the Old Mutual server 'room' (more like a building) is MUCH harder. Get servers and Network Eng sorted out. He was not grumpy anymore. YAY, mission accomplished. Get back to office let boss know all is well and get list of another dozen things he wanted me to sort out. Get started on that.

Fill out 7-page form for recruitment agent and send back. Have my bi-weekly call and argument with Discovery about why they are not paying 100% of the bill for Quinn's op, when they did last time. I have about 12 reference numbers now and have the hospital bill sorted, working on anaesthetist bill now. we are making progress finally. YAY!

Indian dev nagging me cos I haven't responded to him for 2 days. SHIT. Placate him and tell him I'll dedicate time to him in the morning. The UK dev unhappy cos I am 'ignoring' him. Chat to him and make sure he is ok and his project is on track. Then SA Tax manager wants to know if I got his invoice? HUH!? Oh shite yeah I am getting them to help me with that little issue of me owing SARS R17 000, or so they claim. No idea if they HAVE helped the situation, but I owe them R170 now. A mere half the price they woulda/ coulda/ shoulda charged me if I were not a most valued friend and colleague. ;)

More work, work, work, get laughed at for staring and pointing intently at my screen while trying to work out a complicated leave situation (yeah I get to be HR too). Have to chat to colleagues about the future of the company and if I am leaving and what option I have and what they are doing. Coupla Facebook chirps thrown in in between else I would have gone totally mad...

Finally home time. Dash off rush to collect kids. Take them home. Drop Q at friend on the way to make arrangement for this friend to come to cubs party tomorrow. Take G home, get Roxy sorted, clean out kitchen (cos no Tiny today), get changed for yoga. Leave instructions for G to let Quinn in. Warn him to be careful about builder next door! Lock up and run, literally to yoga. I only had 20 mins to get there. 3km away. Get there have missed call from Quinn. Make sure they are home and safe and house is locked, phone battery dying, put phone on silent and go into yoga. Exhausted but enjoy my class anyway. Walk home - too tired to run.

Boys safe when I get back. YAY. Clean pool: sweep, chemicals, back-wash, clean leaf basket and top-up water. Make tea, listen to Quinn's science test revision. Sign diaries, make dinner. Get them in PJs. Eat dinner. Realise I haven't checked my phone, and decide not to worry about it and rather focus on the kids - for a change. Recently I have been phoning and emailing DURING dinner. Instead we chat and look at Quinn's snake and reptile book. Realise it's after bedtime by then, so rush them off to bed.

By now I am exhausted, but not unhappy. It's been a long week of long days, but I am coping. I am running on a speeding barrel but I have a sense of momentum and balance. I am coping!

Still in my sweaty yoga/running clothes I sit down turn on laptop to check emails, start responding to recruitment agent's message... only to get a message on Facebook 'Nice, you are on Facebook, but you can't answer my call.' or words to that effect. My first thought is 'Must be a joke'. But no. So I say 'Seriously don't hassle me now, I am really busy and haven't had a moment, I am not even on Facebook' I was just told, 'Fine, bye' and cut off.

On checking my phone I have a missed call from during my yoga class from said person, criticizing my voice message and that I don't need to say I can't take the call because obviously I can't if the voice  mail is answering and anyway it is probably more like I don't WANT to take the call... Try to call back, but am ignored.

I am so upset. I almost never screen calls, and even if I do I get back to the person as soon as I can, and I respond to sms's as quickly as I can. Which is NOT always super quick, but it is when I can.

This person has had more attention than ANYONE else recently. And I am really hurt and offended now. I am BUSY. I get to do everything on my own. I don't get maintenance, or get to ask anyone to buy milk or bread on the way home, or have anyone else to fetch or carry my kids, or anything. I DO IT. I do it all as well as I can. I am tired of having someone pissed off with me because I am not good enough, fast enough, attentive enough or just ENOUGH.

I almost never hassle people. If I am down I keep to myself, if I am with people I try to be happy, fun, cheerful and add to them not ever take away. I try to never be demanding. Ever. I am upset that other people think it is ok to be negative, demanding and draining on me, and what's worse is I seem to LET them.

I am sad, and angry now, that my evening has been marred by unnecessary. Bullshit.

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