Q has a 'criminal' record

So Q has now officially 'done time'.

And to be honest I think it was largely unfounded and rather unfair.

Now I am the first one to support something like this if it is founded and if the child did wrong... I mean if a kid lies, cheats, steals, swears or is obnoxious or disobedient, sure throw their asses in jail...er I mean detention. ;) If they don't do their homework multiple times, again lock them up I say...but in this case the reasons are:

- 'Not handing his project in' . BUT HE DID! It was due on the Monday and he handed it in on the Friday before. The teacher in question mislaid it! She finally found it about a week later - but the demerits remained in place. He had done 1.5 of the required 2 bracelets and did do the paper work part of the project. So it wasn't perfect but it was done and handed in...early nogal!
- Not having his glasses occasionally. I explained to his class teacher that he DOES NOT NEED THEM EVERYDAY. The optometrist even said not to get into the habit of wearing them too much as it will just make his eyes weaker. He actually does wear them almost every day now though. I explained this to the teacher after she wrote a nasty note in his dairy about it one day.
- His diary not being signed. Yes this has happened a few times and at least half the time it's been MY fault. The homework has been done and ticked off but the initial is just sometimes left out. Sue me!
- Leaving his PT clothes at home ONCE (Last week the day after Angelique's birthday) ... and Tiny is supposed to help with this but she's been a bit distracted and caught up in herself.

I was quite annoyed and despondent about it because he has really really really tried HARD this term. I mean he has gone from his readiness to even be in Grade 4 being questioned to getting:
- 36.5/40 for his maths test
- 24/25 for History
- 27/30 for Science
- 19/20 and 15/20 for Afrikaans spelling
- 14/15 for English spelling
- 16.5/20 for his first oral
- 10.5/20 Xhosa etc.

I mean he is doing WELL.

He has improved his writing dramatically and is really applying himself. He is well behaved at home and does his homework EVERY day at after-care and then again at home. So I felt a bit deflated that it was really not justified and he deserves praise for the effort and achievements he has made and not to be chastised for a few minor and inconsequential things.

So I really don't think it was fair. Luckily he is a robust and resilient child. I spoke to him and asked him if he wanted me to contest it, and he said no he'd just do it and get it over with.

The big day was yesterday. Afterwards I asked how it went and he said, 'Oh, quite fun'. He said they had to write out the school's 'Code of Conduct' and had to write as much as they cool in and hour, so he 'just wrote really slowly'. Hahahaha. He then went on to say it was a good thing he went and saw what it was all about because 'Imagine getting to Grade 7 and getting your first detention then, and totally not knowing what to expect!?'. Um, ok if you say so...

So ja our term ended with his first detention session. But I don't think he was too traumatized by the experience at all. ;)

Spirit is the new Black

I have been loving the local SA band The Dirty Skirts for quite a while. I have seen them several times at Rocking the Daisies all 3 times, at the Nokia Trends Lab and recently at a Kirstenbosch Sunset Concert too - where Dom from Goldfish played with them and they all ROCKED big time.

Some of my fav songs are: Feeling The Pressure, Homewrecker, Is This It?, Stereo, Daddy Don't Disco, Spirit Is The New Black, Happy Ending and now the new hit:

The Dirty Skirts - Rolling Like Thunder ***

Waste my time
Lost your thunder
Everything's been said
And it's done
Better of being

She's snowing outside
We were always winter
We'll be spring.

Ahhh Ahhhhhh
I think you'll be amazed again
Cos we're rolling like thunder

Ahhh Ahhhhhh
I think you'll be amazed again
Cos we're rolling like thunder

Broken You
After everything you've been through
Oh the miracle is
You're still open

Can't....(?***)
Time to leave the ice
You were always winter
We'll be spring.

Ahhh Ahhhhhh
I think you'll be amazed again
Cos we're rolling like thunder
Ahhh Ahhhhhh
I think you'll be amazed again
Cos we're rolling like thunder

Shut-up dup dup
Shut-up dup dup
Shut-up dup dup
Shut-up dup dup
Shut-up dup dup....

*** Ok, does anyone know the actual lyrics to this song? I have tried transcribing them, but don't actually have the song and some of them are not clear, and now last fm will only let me hear a 30-sec clip. :/

----------------

Is this it? ;)

Operation Shit-Storm!

We were all knocked by some kind of tummy bug over the week-end. I just felt crampy, lethargic and a bit spaced out from when I woke up yesterday morning, and G had a crampy tummy too (J's daughter was apparently vomiting all day too).

TANGENT: I actually had the scare of my life yesterday morning, I bought a bottle of ice cold sparkling water as I was feeling crappy and thought some water would help. As I was driving away from the shop with Q, I opened it and took a large sip while stopped at a red light. As it hit my diaphragm my chest totally spasmed, I doubled over and could not breathe or move or even see properly. I got cold and sweaty and just WEIRD. I gasped and told Q though pants that I was not sure if I could drive... luckily no one was behind me so I was able to hessitate for a while. I finally managed to pull away. I rounded the corner and then pulled off the road as soon as I could, to get out of the traffic. I was fairly sure I was going to pass out actually. It really felt like it. I opened the window and lay back for a few minutes trying to breath and get the cramping to subside. I think I must have had wind trapped under my diaphragm, from the tummy-big thing, and the cold water must have reacted badly with it. It was incredibly scary, all-consuming, and what I gather a heart attack must feel like (you know those ppl who rush to hospital and then get told they have indigestion? It must be THAT). Damn it freaked me out. Anyway so that's the kind of day I'd had...Tangent over.

Quinn had been fine all day. Until I heard a very weird noise and came out of a super deep-sleep last night at 12:15. I wasn't sure what I'd heard but I just knew it was a weird noise IN the house. I ran to the passage to find only darkness. I called out and no one replied... So I walked down the passage a few paces and saw that the bathroom door was closed. So I turned on the light and flung it open to find...

Q quivering in the bathroom (in the dark) literally covered in shite.

TG he made it to the bathroom - but only JUST. He stood just inside the entrance to the toilet and just literally exploded. Uuuurgh!

I'll spare you any MORE details but OMFG that is by far the worst mess I have ever had to deal with EVAR. I can not describe how much it grossed me out, and I have changed PLENTY o nappies....I totally freaked out. Had to get Q and clothes into the shower and he dealt with that and his clothing and I had to clean the bathroom floor....

*erases memory*

NOT a good way to wake up. I must say the morning came far too soon and the thought of a day in bed appealed A LOT. But I logged onto my work email from home last night (first time ever actually, it was mostly to test and see if a personal email had been repsonded to) to find a message to all from the CEO announcing salary and head-count freezes across the board and 9 more retrenchments... So I thought it was best to just get my butt here and do my job with a smile on my face!!!

The book of love is long and boring

I have realised in recent weeks that I really want to be meaningful to someone. The thing that moves me the most in movies, songs, and stories is when a depth of feeling is expressed for someone. I do not think I have evoked really deep feelings of love in anyone. Ever. It makes me feel quite sad.

Of course this is nothing you can force. Or even really look for. It either happens or it doesn't. But wow, wouldn't it be wonderful to be adored. To know that you really move someone and take their breath away. That you are ENOUGH for them.

That's what stood out for me in Slumdog Millionaire. The depth and breadth and all-consuming love that he felt for her is simply breathtaking. It literally makes my heart ache.

I am a romantic at heart, truly. I believe in love.

I had not heard this song before today... but I would love someone to feel like this about me...
I'd love it if someone read to me.

Book of Love - Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb

But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

Griffin 'arrested'

Griffin was invested as a fully fledged cub tonight



He knew his 'Cub Law' and 'Cub Promise' perfectly and took it so seriously. It was adorable!

SOTD - just be patient and don’t worry

As you know I have like 1000 (at least) songs on a random play play-list at work. I get interrupted at work OFTEN so end up listening for about 25-35% of the day probably.

Today THIS song came up no less than 3 times! I tried to ignore it but then I went for a run and was listening to the random shuffle on my iPOD and what played, you guessed it...

So I guess this is my song of the day today.

Coldplay - Death And All His Friends (<-watch this video it's amazing)

All winter we got carried
Away over on the rooftops, let's get married.
All summer we just hurried
So come over, just be patient and don't worry.
So come over, just be patient and don't worry.

So come over, just be patient and don't worry.
And don't worry.

Try.
Try.
Try.
Try.

No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end.
I don't want to cycle, recycle revenge.
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends.

No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end.
I don't want to cycle, recycle revenge.
I don't want to follow death and all of his friends.

And in the end we lie awake
and we dream of making our escape.

And in the end we lie awake
and we dream of making our escape.

--------------------------

In other news: Apparently I am a mango....

You Are a Mango

You are unique, sassy, and a lot of fun. You are definitely not uptight in the least. You take a whimsical approach to life. You believe in finding your bliss. Other people find you enchanting and alluring. They want to capture some of what you've got. You're downright radiant. You follow your passions and do what you love. Because of it, you glow.

What Tropical Fruit Are You?

Angelique's Party

It was Angelique's birthday yesterday. She would have been 11 years old...

The boys and I had a little party after dinner to 'celebrate' and remember her. We each had a candle to blow out and took a moment to say something meaningful to each other.


In case you don't know her story is HERE

This year was the most difficult anniversary for me. I usually have something good and positive and hopeful to focus on. This year I didn't, there doesn't seem to be any positive spin on it.
Even last year, when things were at a very low point, we went up the mountain together and I was led to believe it would all be ok, and that I was ok, and it was all meant to be etc.

The whole foundation of belief and meaning I had built around it has been shattered. It was not real. Or not in the way I believed it to be anyway.

It was just a shit thing to happen. Which hurt like hell and still does.

I have also realised just recently that I have no soft place to land anywhere. I have always thought I was strong because I just was, I now realise it's because I HAVE to be. It's hard to explain. But part of me wants to be able to be weak, scared, fallible and vulnerable. Just for that to be an option sometimes...

Back where I have come from

James - Space

Break my shape - in light I trust
None exist - save space and dust
None exist - just lights in time
Space divides the borderline

Don't exist just lights in time
Space divides the changing line
Space between and space inside
My four walls my shape defines
Space defines

You'd better get over yourself
You gotta get out of the frame
Gotta learn to see yourself
A total stranger
You gotta get out of the frame
Gotta give yourself a brand new name
Gotta learn to see yourself
A total stranger

It's a shock to my system
To wind up back where I have come from
It's a crime in my child's eyes
To find out life is in disguise

You'd better get over yourself
You gotta get out of the frame
Gotta learn to see yourself a total stranger
You gotta get out of the frame
Gotta give yourself a brand new name
Gotta learn to see yourself
A total stranger

It's a shock to my system,
to wind up back,
where I have come from.
It's a crime ,in my child's eyes,
To find out life,
Is in disguise

It's a shock to my system,
To wind up back, where I have come from
It's a crime,
to my child's eyes,
To find lifes' In disguise
Oh no , it's gone
It's gone, nothing to hold me
Oh no , it's gone it's gone
Nothing to hold me

Calling ,calling, calling you to see through me

maybe I just misunderstood

Falling Away With You - Muse

I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

and I'll feel my world crumbling,
and I'll I feel my life crumbling
and feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

and I feel my world crumbling,
and I feel my life crumbling down,
I can feel my soul crumbling away,
and falling away,
falling away with you

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find

What is wrong with me?

Travis - Dear Diary

Dear Diary
What is wrong with me?
'Cos I'm fine between the lines
Be not afraid
Help is ons it's way
A sentence suspended in air
Way over there

Dear Diary
What else could it be?
As nightshade descends like a veil
Under the sail of my heart
Be still, don't stop until the end

Dear Dairy
What is wrong with me?
'Cos I'm fine between the lines

You don't really care about me

ANNIE LENNOX - "The Thin Line Between Love And Hate"

It's a thin line between love and hate
It's a thin line between love and hate

It's five o'clock in the morning
And you're just gettin' in
A knock upon the door
A voice sweet and low says (who is it?)
She opens up the door
And she lets you in
And never once does she say "where have you been?"

She says "Hold it,
Are you hungry, did you eat yet,
Let me hang up your coat now"
And all the time she's smiling
Never raises her voice
It's five o'clock in the morning
And you don't give it a second thought

It's a thin line between love and hate
It's a thin line between love and hate

The sweetest woman in the world
Could be the meanest woman in the world
If you make her be that way
She might be holding something in
That's really gonna hurt you
One of these fine days

There you are in the hospital
Bandaged from foot to head
In a state of shock
That much from bein' dead
You didn't think your woman
Could do something like that to you
You didn't think she'd got the nerve
Accidents speak louder than words
Louder than words
Louder than words
Louder than words

Come on
Come on, baby, baby
If you won't give a damn about me
Come on baby, baby
You don't really care about me

Hear what I say
Hear what I say

FUCK MY LIFE

a pig, in a cage, on antibotics

Radiohead - Fitter Happier (I am not)

more productive
comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics

Happy Birthday my angel

11 years ago today...
I miss you.
I miss the hope and dreams I had.
I miss the feeling that I was whole, and enough and loved.
I miss my innocence, my idealism & my trust.
The truth is I miss you.

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

Lily Allen - The Fear

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm program to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear

Orgasmic box scheme

I have subscribed to an organic fruit & veggie box scheme:

I have selected a fortnightly delivery to start with. My first box will be delivered on Thursday. I am excited to see how it goes.

It is reasonably priced, convenient and ethically & environmentally friendly.

Check it out here: GANICS

• We care about our producers, we are flexible and appreciative with them
• We work with small, independent producers
• We buy our produce on the basis of taste, not looks
• Our fruit and veg are seasonal
• Organic food is everything we do – not just an add-on
• Everything we sell is delicious!
• Everything we sell is natural – no additives
• Everything we sell is ethical – no moral dilemmas in the aisles!
• A weekly shop takes under ten minutes with us
• We can deliver regularly so your shopping takes care of itself
• Our customers are proud to buy from us!

I'll report back on the orgasmic part once I have tried and tested it. ;)

Update: My first box arrived last night:

Here it is...



I think it looks yummy!! Haven't tasted anything yet, but it all looks fresh nutritious, natural and tasty... (It's quite a deep box so you can't see everything and I just took a quick snap on the way out last night....

Interview with the boys

I first saw this posted on BN, and then FB and then everyone's blogs...

Griffin's Interview

1. What is something mom always says to you? (He thought for some time...) Come here & Good morning & good night.
2. What makes mom happy? A hug & a kiss.
3. What makes mom sad? When she misses her husband. (WTF!?)
4. How does your mom make you laugh? By watching Little Britain with us.
5. What did your mom like to do as a child? I don't know? Play with friends?
6. How old is your mom? (thinking) 42 (Gasp!) What is that right?? Wait is daddy 44? How many years are you younger than Daddy? (10), so if daddy is 44...43,42,41,40,39,38,37,36.. 36? 24??
7. How tall is your mom? (Stands on bed and points to my height quite accurately.)
8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? (Little) Britain
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? I do not know, because then I am not around, so I can't see it. *giggle*
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? For being a good actor in movies when they do silly things. Like 'Computer says NO' (That's from Little Brittian lol!) OR a drawer of Bart Simpson.
11. What is your mom really good at? Baking (I'd just made muffins) & cooking.
12. What is your mom not very good at? Art
13. What does your mom do for her job? What are those people who help people get their babies out? Not doctor-doctors? (Midwife) oh yes that what you do. Cos you do! (I don't! I was a doula for a while)
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? I have no idea. What is your favourite food? Sushi!... and Pillow pasta? (Butternut Raviolli)
15. What makes you proud of your mom? When she gets her work done well.
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Lisa from Bart Simpson.
17. What do you and your mom do together? Do fun stuff. Play, read, make cakes, and watch movies.
18. How are you and your mom the same? Freckles, sunburn.
19. How are you and your mom different? Your eyes are greenish, mine are brown.
20. How do you know your mom loves you? erm she gives me kisses and loves, and she says she loves me. That's the easiest one!
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? Er... about him taking us out on some days when she wants to go to one of her friends.
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? The movies.

Quinn's Interview

1. What is something mom always says to you? Make me coffee
2. What makes mom happy? Me giving her coffee, Being nice
3. What makes mom sad? Me and Griffin fighting
4. How does your mom make you laugh? Farts & Letting us watch Little Britain
5. What did your mom like to do as a child? I don't know.
6. How old is your mom? 34
7. How tall is your mom? I don't know.
8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? Scrubs & Little Britain
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? I do not know. Go for a run. Or Stay at home alone.
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? Farting or singing.
11. What is your mom really good at? Cricket (Do you think so? ) Ja, because you can catch the balls.
12. What is your mom not very good at? Burping & art.
13. What does your mom do for her job? Project Manager
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? Watermelon
15. What makes you proud of your mom? Erm... I don't know.
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? The Invisible Woman.
17. What do you and your mom do together? Have fun.
18. How are you and your mom the same? There's nothing the same, you are girl and I am a boy.
19. How are you and your mom different? I'm a boy, she's a girl.
20. How do you know your mom loves you? She told me.
21. What does your mom like most about your dad? Erm...I don't know.
22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? Outside.

Men's Health Lighthouse Results

So the results of the Men's Health Lighthouse Ten are out, and here are the official records:

Total Number of finishers: 1697
I came: 693 with official time of 53:55
Rob came: 753 with official time off 55:15
Steve came: 917 with official time of 57:33

Number of Female finishers: 704
I finished: 143 out of the females

The other idiots I ran with don't seem to have filled in their cards so I can't find their official results, or taunt them about it. Harumph! ;)

Going well

So after Saturday's post about not being able to sleep very well since the break in in September and feeling vulnerable, I have ironically slept really well. I suspect it is a combination between having finally worked through to the 5th step of the 'healing/grieving process' of Acceptance, as well as doing some CBT on myself.

Basically you think something through, then actively change your behaviour and then it changes your instinctive/subconscious thought patterns in turn. I used to lie awake thinking I could hear someone breaking in the house and then not be able to go to sleep. Now I make myself believe everything is fine, and to think relaxing thoughts and I am going to sleep about 2 hours earlier and sleeping MUCH better. It can snowball either way - positive or negative but you CAN direct it.

So I make sure my evenings are more relaxed and productive now, and don't let myself get too wound up. I am doing less noise & laptop stuff and more bathing & reading and stuff. Then I think positive thoughts and don't let my mind go down the negative 'what if' or 'is that sound something bad?' path, but rather assume that things are fine. I have managed to go to bed no later than 11pm for 4 nights now, fallen asleep pretty easily and had a good night's sleep. When I wake up in the night I snuggle down again and go to sleep without thinking bad thoughts, after a cursory quick listen. I have decided that worrying about it really is pointless and is not going to help at all. So I am just not going to!

I am also trying to apply a bit of NLP to my daily life. Your internal (and external) dialogue can be quite powerful too. So I have been actively trying to put myself down less and not be so self deprecating - even in joking ways, and value MYSELF. Because that's the only way others will value you. Know what I mean?

Think Positive

If you think you are beaten - you are.
If you think you dare not - you don't.
Success begins with your own will...
It's all in your state of mind.
Life's battles are not always won
By those who are stronger or faster
sooner or later the person who wins;
Is the person who thinks he can!

Then another update on Quinn and his progress in Grade 4. I think you'll remember my saga a few weeks ago with Quinn's teacher and saying he was not coping at all with Grade 4?

Since then I have upped his extra homework at home (additional to all the after-care homework), been very consistent about making sure he stays on top of everything, and giving him extra input and attention. He has been doing well in all his tests since from what I can tell (14/15 for spelling tests and 27/30 for his science test etc), and seems to really be ENJOYING learning. (He loves attention too so its win-win)

Well I emailed the teacher on Friday to ask how he is doing, and to find out if she wants to see me again before the end of the term. She rewponded...

Quote:

I have been meaning to make contact. His handwriting is 100% better. He still from time to time makes very careless errors when copying from the board. I suspect that he is not looking at the board and just writes his own words. He is working much better, is more organized and is coping far better with all the Grade Four demands.

I am so pleased. I was feeling so despondent after that first meeting. Although it is hard to find the time to get it all done, it is actually rather rewarding. YAY!

I'd love to see you buried

I wish I could cut a certain person out of my life for good. It seems divorce was not enough of a severance.

The Parlotones - Rock Paper Scissors

See you later alligator - in a while crocodile
With a big fat smile coz I'm in denial
Skip skip heart attack oh my god look at that she's found another lair

Cigarette burns not it's romance turn
No one gave me warning that this love thing hurts
Shock shock horror horror spill spill red wine down my shirt

I no longer wish to fall in love,
But I might tell you I like you very much,
And I no longer wish to get married,
But I can tell you besides you'll be buried

Flashy fancy face and a big bank balance
Sip my blood through a golden chalice
Chase Chase Chase to erase your face
And now it's tick tock boom
Boom boom boom realigned my zoom
Hope she thinks I look well groomed
Rock Paper Scissors cut cut cut it out of my life

I no longer wish to fall in love,
But I can tell you I like you very much,
And I no longer wish to get married,
But I can tell you besides you'll be buried

This is the saddest, saddest song you'll ever hear
This is the saddest, saddest song you'll ever hear

Thank you very much

I no longer wish to fall in love,
But I can tell you I like you very much,
And I no longer wish to get married,
But I can tell you I'd love to see you buried

This is the saddest, saddest song you'll ever hear
This is the saddest, saddest song you'll ever hear

Thank you very much

-----

Fuck you very much!

What's in a name?

The boys and I had a long drive on Saturday morning to an adventure race we were participating in, and at one point Quinn said, 'It's important to have boys, because if you just have girls the family name can't carry on'. He said daddy had said so...

So we got into quite a discussion about it and I told them that it's not necessarily so, because girls can and do keep their own surname when they get married sometimes. And that anyone can change their names, or not, as they wish to. The family name tradition is no longer such a big deal.

I told them that I did choose to change my name when I got married, and have kept it now that I am divorced, so that I have the same name as them. But I went on that I could choose to change it back to my maiden name if I wanted to. We discussed further and then Quinn asked if he could also change his name to my maiden name and I said yes he could if he wanted to, or he could change it to something else entirely.

Then before I knew it both boys had decided they want my maiden name as their surname too! They think it is nicer.

I am not really sure if I can or should pursue this. I will probably just leave it for now anyway, I am sure they are not that set on the idea, plus I have a feeling it would cause issues, and more of those I really don't need...

LMFAO - Eddie Izzard as acted in Lego

I have not been as amused and impressed by something for a long time... You have to watch these!

Eddie Izzard clips with Lego enactments...

Death Star Canteen



Cake or Death



There are a bunch of others, I shall be watching them tonight!

Youniverse

I did these quizzes this week and really enjoyed them. They are pretty accurate and I love the visual way the results are displayed after each one.

I have saved the results pages at work... I'll post some tomorrow. For now here is the 'widget' view.

Personality:

Mind:

Travel:

Innocence Lost

I have lost some of my sense of security.

I have always been a happy-go-lucky non-paranoid person. I'd leave doors open all the time, forget to lock them, and have even gone to sleep with our front door open and sometimes our front gate unlocked. But after waking up in September with 2 people INSIDE my house stealing stuff, and also getting the local community crime update emails several times a week where I hear of break-ins during the day and night, hi-jackings, and now a few people being shot and killed literally streets away from me. That has all changed. I just don't feel very safe any more. :(

I can no longer seem to relax and I can't go to sleep. I pretty much never go to sleep before 12am. I stay awake and keep lights and sounds buzzing around me and when I do turn of the lights and settle down, I lie awake listening for sounds and often get up to walk around the house to check is anything is amiss. I make sure my cell phone is next to my bed now, and I have a stick nearby too.

The dog sleeps outside, in the hopes that she will bark and alert me if anyone is ever out there. When I was here alone without the boys last week, I locked my bedroom door.

This is not me. I HATE IT.

I hate feeling vulnerable. But I do.

Turn your back and leave the lonely days behind...

Keane - Put it Behind you

Times goes by at such a pace
It's funny how it's easy to forget her face
You hide the cracks, the facts will find you
Turn your back and leave the lonely days behind you now

You better put it behind you now
You better put it behind you now
Too much to hold on, hold on to
You better put it behind you now

All the things you took for granted
Hit you like a bullet in the gut
You can't get up
Well are you gonna even try?
Cos if you never even try
Time will pass you by

You better put it behind you now
You better put it behind you now
Too much to hold on, hold on to (Hold on, hold on to)
You better put it behind you now
You better put it behind you now
Too much to hold on, to hold on to (Hold on, hold on to)
You better do what's best for you

Don't care what she said and (Better
put it behind you now, better put it
behind you now)
Only in your head (Hold on, hold on to)
Time will help you out (Better put
it behind you now, you better put it
behind you now)
Still you don't see her (Hold on, hold on to)

You better put it behind you now
You better put it behind you now
Too much to hold on, to hold on to
You better do what's best for you

The sun comes out and everything's alright.

What better way to cheer up, than a hike up Lion's Head to watch the Sunset and full moon rise!?

The weather was simply perfect and we were all keen so we decided to dash through and climb Lion's Head for a sunset picnic since it is near as dammit to full moon...

It's the 3rd time the boys have been up at night now, but it was the only time we have had good weather. Jan and Feb were cold, windy and we couldn't see much of the sun or moon. Last night was PERFECT!

This time Roxy (aka Weiner, aka Springfield, aka Teeny Beep, aka Snoopy etc) came along. She did remarkably well actually. Although she needed to be carried for the very steep and rocky bits and she was abseil dog some of the time, for the climbing sections.


The spectacular sunset & moon rise on Lion's Head last night! You can't but help to feel lucky to be alive!


Quinn with his dog friend at the top of Lion's Head.

I know getting out is good for us all, and it gives me good one on one (erm two) time with my babies. We talk about loads of things and get to relax. But we used the time effectively too and practised Quinn's Afrikaans speech and discussed his stuff for his test this week - which is Science this week and focussing on space and the solar system and the atmosphere etc - so it was like home school really. I told Q it was 'mountain school' he thought that was cool. I specifically didn't invite anyone else along because it was spur of the moment and I wanted to do it WITH them as family time.

Quinn also took his camera along and was taking some really creative shots including taking pictures of his finger pointing to the moon and him holding the moon between his fingers etc. I was quite impressed that he thought of that, so I offered to pose for him and he was directing me to get my hand in place; 'left, left, up, down, a bit more' etc. it was cute.

I did get them home quite late in the end, because we stayed at the top for quite long staring at the gorgeous sights. So we only got back after 9pm, but I think it's worth it for the experience and memory and learning and bonding and all that goes with it. To me that's more valuable than early to bed EVERY night. In my experience it's the out of the ordinary things that you remember the most and for the longest, and that really stand out when you think back on your life. I hope my boys remember it as a good time, I know I will.

I just found out that yesterday was in fact the International Day of Awesomeness *. I think I celebrated appropriately. It was like totally awesome man!

* I love that the first link I found was a reference to the awesome UBUNTU and features Jorge!

DONE crying

After weeks and weeks of being 100% nice, patient and gentle with my ex in the hopes that some kind of functional relationship could be forged with him I have been rejected 100%. And basically told to fuck off, for good.

He has told me that if he could erase his memory (like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) he would.

He drove off when I wanted to talk to him when I collected the boys on Sunday, he probably would have driven over me if I didn't move. Then I tried phoning to let him know that I just care about him and want to make sure he ok (he is living in a caravan now, and seems to have quit his job...), but he put the phone down on me (so I left it) and then later that evening I got this...

Quote:

All you are to me is pain. Unwanted pain. The sight of you, the sound of your voice, memories and thoughts, and the intrusion of you into my restless sleep. I want no part of it. No memory. No photographs. Nothing. There will be no coffee chats, or outings, no shared visit to the tree. If Lacuna Inc. were real, I would make an appointment and have everything erased. Every memory, every moment, every chance of recollection. Unlike the movie, I would not plant any back door. I do not want to see you, or speak to you, or talk to you on the phone. If you drive past me in your car, drive past me. If you walk past me, walk past me. If we need to be in the same space at the same time, I will not be hostile towards you - we are simply strangers with no relationship. You said you care about me. If you care about me, please respect my wishes and leave me alone. Start now, right here. Do not reply to this email, or call, or initiate a discussion, or try to work anything out, or explain, or offer to listen. Simply walk away, move forward and leave me alone. Please understand then that I want nothing to do with you. Today, tomorrow, or ever. Whatever was, is now gone, existing only in the sense of hurt and loss and void and pain. I no longer want any part of that pain. Please leave me alone. The wedding suit is goodbye to us.

He also sent his wedding suit back with the boys on Sunday evening.

I cried and cried and cried. I never never never wanted it to come to this.

But I am done now. I can not and will not be affected by him any more. I can not feel guilty, responsible or accountable for him any more, and I can not feel not ENOUGH for him any more.

I have to let him and everything about him go now. I can't hold onto the happy memories and photos I have and keep believing that he is a GOOD person and that I was not wrong to believe in him and us. It doesn't matter any more. I can not care any more. I don't want to be reminded any more.

So without an ounce of malice, just in the interest of closing a chapter of my life which is clearly un-salvageable, I have actively moved ON now. **

I realised I had kept my house largely unchanged as I didn't want to rub it in and make it look like 'SEE HOW I HAVE MOVED ON??', esp before it is transferred into my name and while he may still want stuff. And I was being compelled to keep all the emotionally charged things he keeps bestowing on me with big dramatic gestures (as is his style). Like his wedding ring tied with a ribbon, books, photos and now the wedding suit all neatly packaged etc.

But you know, now that I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not wanted, and not to contact him at all ever, I think I am released and free to do as I please with no apology or explanation.

My domestic worker now has the ring, the expensive custom-made suit and a pile of photos in frames. I told her she is free to do whatever she chooses with the stuff, just to take it away. While burning it all would have been symbolic - and I'll admit the thought did cross my mind while I was feeling hurt and angry - but I am not malicious or wasteful and didn't want to do anything compulsive. So instead I gave it freely. I need to be released from it - but someone else can benefit from it and possibly derive joy & happiness from it.

I actually feel relieved to be rid of it all now.

I have rearranged some things and have moved the computer into the lounge where the boys and I can play and watch DVDs together etc. The spare room looks better too. His mail, which I try to give him every time he arrives to collect the kids, but he zooms off before I get a chance to approach the car, is now thrown away. It's been nearly a year. He can change his mailing address if he wants his mail. I will no longer take responsibility for it.

** I am unsure how how to handle the visitation thing with the boys now. The reason I have been trying so hard with him is because the play therapist keeps impressing on me how important it is that I have a good channel of communication with him and consistency and a good visitation schedule etc etc. And also because I really and truly wanted to preserve some of the good stuff.... I can deal with writing off my side, but the kids make it so much more complicated.

---------

Last night I also did something I haven't taken the time to do for AGES. I made the boys a fun dinner.



BTW my J-boarding is also coming along nicely, I can turn now and propel myself better. Yesterday Griffin exclaimed 'Hey you haven't fallen for ages!', but then a short while later when I asked 'How many other moms can J-board huh?' I was told by Quinn, 'None, but that's cos Moms aren't supposed to J-board'. Sigh. So I guess far from hip & cool mom I am aiming for, I am turning into the cringe-worthy 'OMG my mom is SO embarrassing!' mom.

Q later relented and said 'Ja, you are actually quite good'.

Reclaiming myself

The Parlotones - Sun Comes Out

This is more than I can take.
I wont tolerate this any more.
It's more than I can take.

Wake me before the sun comes out and everything's alright.
The sun comes out and everything's alright

I'll take what I can get.
Just don't leave me the scraps.
I'm worth more.
I'm worth more than that.

Wake me up before the sun comes out and everything's alright.
Sun comes out and everything's alright.
Alright alright alright.

Hold on for one more day
I don't believe in much but for this I'll pray.
Alright alright alright alright.

Hold on for one more day
I don't believe in much but for this I'll pray.
The sun comes out and everything's alright.

-------

Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient - Aristotle

My care is for myself;
Myself am whole and sole reality. - Robert Browning

Our only responsibility is to live our own life and take care of our own children. - Leon Kass

---------

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
- Stacey Charter

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Maureen Dowd

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

James Morrison - Broken Strings

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse
So how can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

Muse is my new black

OMG I am so enjoying muse in the past few days... nicely emo but with a little hopeful smile in the corner of the mouth. I am luurving it!

I am excited about this week-end, it is going to be fun. I am still trying to weasel out of the nurse outfit challenge I got myself into on Wednesday night. Where I somehow agreed to wear my nurse outfit on the side of the road at the Argus (or R-Juice as Frenchie says) in support of them. WTF was I thinking!!?? It was the beer talking, I take no responsibility! We'll see how brave I feel on Sunday!

Tonight I am seeing the inimitable and fabulous Aunty Dave though. One can not wait! :)

Supernatural, superserious - Enjoy yourself with no regrets.

I went to see 'He's Just Not That Into You' last night with what I guess is my BFF. We had fun. We had a drink before the movie, caught up and spoke a lot of shit, as we do.

I really enjoyed the movie too. I did not know a lot about it before, except that it's a book title and I may have seen snippets of it on Oprah years ago when I was (mostly) happily married. I didn't realise the cast was pretty impressive: Scarlett Johansen, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Ben Affleck, (yummy)Bradley Cooper etc.

Anyway this song was in the sound track and it caught my attention because I have been hearing it in the car over the past couple of months.

Right now I have no idea whether He's Just Not Into Me or not, but either way it doesn't REALLY matter. My life is full and meaningful and I am not crying. Why would I?

--------------
REM - Supernatural Superserious

Everybody here,
Comes from somewhere,
That they would just as soon forget,
And disguise.
At the summer camp where you volunteered,
No one saw your face, no one saw your fear.
If that apparition just appeared,
Took you up and away from this place and shared

Humiliation,
Of your teenage station.
Nobody cares,
No one remembers and nobody cares.
And you cried and you cried,
He's alive, he's alive.
And you cried and you cried and you cried and you cried.

If you call out safe then I'll stop right away,
If the premise buckles and the room starts to shake,
The details swap,
And the story's the same.
You don't have to explain.
You don't have to explain

Humiliation,
Of your teenage station.
Yeah you cried and you cried,
He's alive, he's alive.
And you cried and you cried and you cried,
And you realize your fantasies are
Dressed up in travesties.
Enjoy yourself with no regrets.

Everybody here,
Comes from somewhere,
That they would just as soon forget,
And disguise.
And you cried and you cried,
He's alive, he's alive.
Yeah you cried and you cried and you cried and you cried.
Oh, you cried and you cried.
Oh, you cried and you cried.

Now there's nothing dark and there's nothing weird,
Don't be afraid, I will hold you near,
From the séance where you first betrayed
An open heart on a darkened stage.
A celebration,
Of your teenage station.

It's an experience;
Sweet, delirious,
Supernatural, superserious.
An experience,
Sweet, delirious,
Supernatural, superserious.
---------------

There's a huge difference between want and need, and I KNOW I am not needy. Never have been and never will be. I have been emotionally independent pretty much my whole life. (Not having a nurturing mother will do that to a person.)

I know I battle to let people into my heart and to trust them, and perhaps once I do my feelings are a bit overwhelming and it makes me feel a bit unsure of myself and vulnerable. But I am real and honest. I do not play games or pretend.

But I am me, take it or leave it.

P.S. This morning when I dropped the boys off Griffin said 'Mommy you look pretty today'. This is not something I hear often, from anybody. It was so touching. Wow.

Unintended

As usual I have a huge song list (off a colleague's pc) circulating on my playlist. It's usually just back ground noise, but every day or 2 a song catches my attention and stirs me.

This one just made me cry...

Muse - Unintended

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

Men's Health Lighthouse 10km Challenge

So last night I did the Men's Health Lighthouse 10km Challenge for the first time and I had so much fun!!!

I managed to convince a bunch of people to do the race too. 2 ex colleagues that I used to joke around with and have mentioned in previous posts - S(ex manager) & J(tall Frenchie), then 3 others from work, and 2 other friends. (2 ended up bailing on the day though.)

The race was in Sea Point starting and ending at the Moullie Point Light House. So the usual Sea Point promenade route that the Gun Run and Mitchell's Brewery races use. It's flat and can be very windy and congested, but the conditions last night were good. It was hot but not killer and there was a nice gentle breeze.

To make things interesting I laid down the gauntlet by issuing a 'Beer Challenge' again, like I did at the Mitchell's Brewery Sundowner race in December. So the rules were; anyone I beat had to buy me a beer, and I had to buy for anyone that beat me. Now S and J are both well over 6ft tall, and in J's case I think he may well be over 6ft5! But that's not all, they are also training for Iron Man which is in a month, so they are not to be messed with.



We spent the day messaging and taunting each other and then joking about who gets to oggle who's ass during the run etc. It was quite funny. I told them not to worry and that I was taking lots of money because I thought there was no way I could beat them. I was just enjoying the jesting and challenge of it.

So we set off together and J was running next to me, while S started with his dad. I got a bit stuck in a bunch and after a minute or 2 J broke away and went on ahead. Dang! Oh well, I expected it.

At around 4km I saw him walking! So I ran past saying 'Hasta La Vista Bebe!'. Next thing I hear ominous plodding right on my heels and it was none other than J - like RIGHT in my footsteps. Of course I started running a bit faster and then accelerated trying to break away from him. By 6km he says 'I bow down in the wake of your stamina' to which I chirped, 'At this point I just want to get it over with'. His response was, 'That's the first time anyone has ever said that to me!' with feigned shock and horror.
Anyway I was getting tired just after the 6km mark, so he passed me. I took a 30sec walk break, while he wasn't looking, to prevent an immediate coronary. Then I saw he was walking again; he said he was getting 'mondo stitches'. So I passed him again and with 3km to go I just WENT. Man I was getting tired though.

I managed to finish in 53:53. J finished in 55 something and S in 57 something. I beat the other 2 I saw from work too! I can NOT believe it. Ok, they can all run WAAAAY further than me, but I beat them fair and square this time!

So I had my fill of free beers and caught up with the rude and inappropriate conversations we used to have, and I did some babe spotting for them. They are SO funny. They stop mid sentence and their eyes glaze over when they spot a hot woman, and they can't function until she passes their line of sight.
Anyway I really had fun and am glad I went. I miss those guys at work!

This is me last night after the race - drinking my free beer!

I'd like you to need me one time

Freshlyground - I'd Like

What would you do if I kissed you?
What would you do if I held your hand and laid you down?
Would you find me overly unkind to you?
Would you call me insensitive, and say that I deserve to die?
What do I do with all these feelings tearing me up inside?
What do I do with all these wasted hours dreaming of you at night?
I' d like to call you sometime…
What would you do if you knew the truth?
What would you do if I told you the story of my life?
Would you find me overly familiar towards you?
Would you call me crude, fling me aside to the birds?
What do I do with all these feelings holding me back inside?
What do I do with all these wasted hours dreaming of you at night?
I'd like to call you sometime
I'd like you to need me one time
I’d like to call you sometime
What would you do if I kissed you?
What would you do if I held your hand and laid you down?
Would you recognize it’s a need I've been fighting for so long?
Would you recognize it’s a hunger only you can fill?
What do I do with all these feelings warming me up inside?
What do I do with all these glorious hours dreaming of you at night?
I'd like to call you sometime
I'd like you to need me one time
I'd like to have you all the time
I'd like to call you...

I wish I was special

Creep - Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run
Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here

Where did that come from?

I have somehow turned into Meredith Grey, it's fucking pathetic. I will stop it now.

I think I thought I was Izzy, but I am not I am ridiculous annoying Meredith. How the fuck did that happen?

I shall go back to Christina right this minute.

LMFAO.

I kill myself. Bwahahahaa!

Just because I'm hurting

Coldplay - Lost

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Save me from being confused

Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar

Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist

So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
To save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord