DONE crying

After weeks and weeks of being 100% nice, patient and gentle with my ex in the hopes that some kind of functional relationship could be forged with him I have been rejected 100%. And basically told to fuck off, for good.

He has told me that if he could erase his memory (like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) he would.

He drove off when I wanted to talk to him when I collected the boys on Sunday, he probably would have driven over me if I didn't move. Then I tried phoning to let him know that I just care about him and want to make sure he ok (he is living in a caravan now, and seems to have quit his job...), but he put the phone down on me (so I left it) and then later that evening I got this...

Quote:

All you are to me is pain. Unwanted pain. The sight of you, the sound of your voice, memories and thoughts, and the intrusion of you into my restless sleep. I want no part of it. No memory. No photographs. Nothing. There will be no coffee chats, or outings, no shared visit to the tree. If Lacuna Inc. were real, I would make an appointment and have everything erased. Every memory, every moment, every chance of recollection. Unlike the movie, I would not plant any back door. I do not want to see you, or speak to you, or talk to you on the phone. If you drive past me in your car, drive past me. If you walk past me, walk past me. If we need to be in the same space at the same time, I will not be hostile towards you - we are simply strangers with no relationship. You said you care about me. If you care about me, please respect my wishes and leave me alone. Start now, right here. Do not reply to this email, or call, or initiate a discussion, or try to work anything out, or explain, or offer to listen. Simply walk away, move forward and leave me alone. Please understand then that I want nothing to do with you. Today, tomorrow, or ever. Whatever was, is now gone, existing only in the sense of hurt and loss and void and pain. I no longer want any part of that pain. Please leave me alone. The wedding suit is goodbye to us.

He also sent his wedding suit back with the boys on Sunday evening.

I cried and cried and cried. I never never never wanted it to come to this.

But I am done now. I can not and will not be affected by him any more. I can not feel guilty, responsible or accountable for him any more, and I can not feel not ENOUGH for him any more.

I have to let him and everything about him go now. I can't hold onto the happy memories and photos I have and keep believing that he is a GOOD person and that I was not wrong to believe in him and us. It doesn't matter any more. I can not care any more. I don't want to be reminded any more.

So without an ounce of malice, just in the interest of closing a chapter of my life which is clearly un-salvageable, I have actively moved ON now. **

I realised I had kept my house largely unchanged as I didn't want to rub it in and make it look like 'SEE HOW I HAVE MOVED ON??', esp before it is transferred into my name and while he may still want stuff. And I was being compelled to keep all the emotionally charged things he keeps bestowing on me with big dramatic gestures (as is his style). Like his wedding ring tied with a ribbon, books, photos and now the wedding suit all neatly packaged etc.

But you know, now that I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not wanted, and not to contact him at all ever, I think I am released and free to do as I please with no apology or explanation.

My domestic worker now has the ring, the expensive custom-made suit and a pile of photos in frames. I told her she is free to do whatever she chooses with the stuff, just to take it away. While burning it all would have been symbolic - and I'll admit the thought did cross my mind while I was feeling hurt and angry - but I am not malicious or wasteful and didn't want to do anything compulsive. So instead I gave it freely. I need to be released from it - but someone else can benefit from it and possibly derive joy & happiness from it.

I actually feel relieved to be rid of it all now.

I have rearranged some things and have moved the computer into the lounge where the boys and I can play and watch DVDs together etc. The spare room looks better too. His mail, which I try to give him every time he arrives to collect the kids, but he zooms off before I get a chance to approach the car, is now thrown away. It's been nearly a year. He can change his mailing address if he wants his mail. I will no longer take responsibility for it.

** I am unsure how how to handle the visitation thing with the boys now. The reason I have been trying so hard with him is because the play therapist keeps impressing on me how important it is that I have a good channel of communication with him and consistency and a good visitation schedule etc etc. And also because I really and truly wanted to preserve some of the good stuff.... I can deal with writing off my side, but the kids make it so much more complicated.

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Last night I also did something I haven't taken the time to do for AGES. I made the boys a fun dinner.



BTW my J-boarding is also coming along nicely, I can turn now and propel myself better. Yesterday Griffin exclaimed 'Hey you haven't fallen for ages!', but then a short while later when I asked 'How many other moms can J-board huh?' I was told by Quinn, 'None, but that's cos Moms aren't supposed to J-board'. Sigh. So I guess far from hip & cool mom I am aiming for, I am turning into the cringe-worthy 'OMG my mom is SO embarrassing!' mom.

Q later relented and said 'Ja, you are actually quite good'.