Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

The Rash persists

He saw the boys for dinner last week, and it had seemed like it went fine.

I tried calling on Mon this week, and the call was rejected and then after that his phone was off.

I tried to call again on Tuesday, thinking if same happened I would leave it and cancel this week's visit. But he answered, so I gave the phone to the boys and they all chatted nicely. Then I heard he was making plans for dinner, so I asked them to tell him to make plans directly with me. So he said ok, and we spoke and it was cool. He confirmed he'd like to see them for dinner on Wed night, and then asked if he could take them for the w/e. I said it was fine with me, if the boys wanted to go. They said yes. Seemed like good progress, and he sounded good.

I got an email confirming arrangements for both shortly after. All good.

Last night they were meant to be collected between 17:00-17:30. They eventually got collected at almost 18:00. It was fine though, I wasn't really bothered. I was planning to do something run/gym/shopping etc, but hadn't decided and ended up procrastinating. At 19:00 I finally decided to fit in a quick run before they got back at 20:00. But then at 19:10 - literally just as I was about to leave - the doorbell rang. They were back.

I let them in and they said they were in trouble, so had been brought back early. I tried calling ex to find out what had happened, but his phone was off. So I took the boys down to the park and chatted casually to them about what had happened. The said they were just playing (they insist they were both happy and cooperating and NOT fighting) and skipping around etc. Ex was apparently annoyed and wanted them to be still and quiet and to NOT PLAY. They went to the waterfront, where he showed them the pirate boat and told them he'd take them on it some time and got a brochure etc. They were excited about that...

They apparently kept 'playing' and 'not listening' he got cross and yelled at them. They said he told G to shut up, when G tried to show him a coin he'd picked up and then told them to go to the car and marched off. They couldn't keep up so had to run, and were yelled at for not keeping up.

Then apparently ex took out the Pirate Ship brochure and crunched it up and threw it out the window and then dropped them off.

He phoned me about 20 mins later, and I very calmly asked if something had happened. He said the boys don't respect him and 'behave like animals' and they mustn't 'waste his time'. I stayed completely calm and neutral and pointed out that they hadn't seen him for 3 months and that this is very unsettling for them and must be confusing, and that when they don't know what to do, they often do behave 'badly'. He said if they want to see him they must 'behave properly'. I pointed out that WE are the adults, and they are CHILDREN and this is psychologically very difficult for them, and we can't expect THEM to behave like adults. I told him they had been FINE and totally settled, but since seeing him last week they have been acting differently. We need to help them work through it all and get used to being with him again. He seems to selfishly think they they must prove they are worth his spending time with them or something. Which is crap! He needs to convince them he is worthy - surely!?

Anyway, I then asked them about last week, because as I said it had sounded like that went fine..They then told me that they were taken to a restaurant and they sat quietly and 'daddy had his friend Justin there and he just spoke to Justin and hardly spoke to us'. WTF?! So after 3 months of not seeing them, he barely spoke to them, and now last night they were doing their own thing and they got crapped on because they weren't spending time with him they way HE wants...?

I asked the boys if I should rather cancel this planned week-end visit, and they both said they still want to go and will 'try harder'.

I KNOW they can be a handful sometimes, esp when they are together. But he has to realise that the onus is on HIM to develop a relationship with them again, and to at least try to understand things from their POV? Surely he can see that?

Quinn's lip was quivering the whole time he was talking to me, and although he tried to hid it I could SEE how upset he was...
:evil: :evil: :evil:


  1. OMw my heart breaks for your boys. That's so very unfair on them! He's such an ass!

  2. I started crying reading this post. It must be so difficult for them and all they want to do is please him. Gosh, they were just excited to be with him.

    You must feel terrible! When they hurt, we hurt.

  3. Ag shame man, it must be so hard for them and you.