Thinking & Feeling

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.” Horace Walpole

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.”

"A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble." ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

And so when after telling him for the final time on the weekend that it is over and that I am not prepared to be treated like and old familiar jersey anymore. A jersey which he can wear when he pleases, and then toss behind the chair if visitors arrive, or when he wants to wear something more styling when he is out. I started getting my strength back. Feeling free and unrestrained by his tethers. Allowed to do and say what I want again...

Yet he still called me 4 or 5 times throughout the day. This I accepted and spoke to him in a friendly yet detached manner. Calm and unfazed by it.

But when I dashed out for a quick run in the evening only to return and find him IN MY HOUSE, with my CHILDREN. The compromise, charity, generosity and continual acceptance of everything wrt him suddenly stopped-dead. I was not amused. Worse, I was angry. Livid actually. What a damned cheek!

I am sad to let go of this relationship which I had really really thought was special. I have felt all the emotions and phases of loss. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Despair, but now finally I have a level of Acceptance.

I no longer cling to hope that it will change, and that one day I will be enough for him, and make him happy to the point where he doesn't chase and see multiple women at the same time. I am no longer prepared to take what I can get. I have realised that he is no longer enough, or good enough, for me.

It is funny how when your emotional rose-tinted spectacles are off you can see things more clearly, and see that someone you thought was perfect is really not all that after all.

I looked at him last night and felt no positive emotion at all, just disdain and contempt. This is how I knew I was doing the right thing.

“A heart needs only its own voice to do what is right.”
~ Vanna Bonta

And so, I sent him off with his tail between his legs. Sure, now he thinks I am mean, possibly unkind. But it has got to the point that I simply have to stop caring about him and what he thinks and feels.

It feels liberating. I didn't realise how trapped he was making me feel.

I intend not to compromise my integrity again. I have learned a lot through this.

Living with integrity means:
  • Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
  • Asking for what you want and need from others.
  • Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
  • Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
  • Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.
~ Barbara De Angelis


  1. Good one you! You do deserve more than that.

  2. I came accross you blog a while ago and have read it from start to finish. I have one small problem. I feel as though I've read a book that had an important chapter torn out! How did you go from that wonderful ten year anniversary celebration with your husband to divorced? Yes I know I'm being nosy and it's probably inappropriate to ask - but as a reader it's frustrating so I thought I'd try my luck and ask you anyway....

  3. Hi anonymous. It's not inappropriate. At first I didn't know what was going on was terribly confusing and upsetting. My marriage was very up and down from the start. But I had thought by the time we got to the 10 year anniversary we'd pretty much figured it out. Turns out he'd just got better at hiding the truth and I got better at avoiding/ignoring warning signs and 'keeping the peace'.

    After that amazing anniversary, literally the next day he started ignoring me, and I had no idea why. I tried and tried to understand, fix, help etc to no avail, until I gave up... if you mail me at I'll mail you what I wrote about it all (in anger just after my divorce). I took it down because it had too much info to stay published. (Also his friends and colleagues had access to it and he asked me to respect his privacy etc.).

  4. Thanks Jane, that's good enough!! If my curiosity overwhelms me I'll mail you : )